Team Spirit!
I attended an interview for a management position along with four other 'hopefuls'.

After getting each of us to complete a psychometric test they then gave us a 'group' exercise. We had to pretend we were in a plane crash somewhere in the middle of a desert.
We had a list of twenty items which we had to put into their order of importance. ie. Water, Flashlight, Compass, Gun, Parachute, blah blah blah.

Anyway, this one guy (you always get one) really got into the game, he said he was a survival expert, had been everywhere and done everything, so he decided he knew the right answers and wouldn't listen to anyone elses ideas.

Eventually I got so pissed off with this bloke I snapped and shouted at him: "RIGHT! I'M TAKING THE GUN AND SHOOTING YOU IN THE HEAD!" (putting two fingers to his forehead and shouting 'BANG' at the top of my voice and pushing his head slightly to get a nice 'recoil' effect.)

He looked absolutely stunned for a moment, and the interviewer sitting in the corner started laughing. This obviously upset the guy and he replied: "You can't do that."

I said to him: "Dead men don't talk." and then proceded to ignore him.
The other three interviewee's thought this was hilarious and also decided that as he was dead they couldn't hear him either.

In the end he got so upset that nobody would speak to him, he packed up and walked out!

Later, the interviewer asked me to explain myself. I told him that while teamwork was obviously important someone still has to be responsible for stearing the team in the right direction. So they only gave me the bloody job!

Sorry for Big Length and Girth etc. :)
(SproutsAreEvil, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 14:12, Reply)

shagged his daughter
got the job
shagged her again
dumped her
dad found out
sacked before start date!

the end
(grebe, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 13:55, Reply)

unholysmoke
more like 8 mm
(montyzuma, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 13:20, Reply)

I applied to do maths at Oxford
I breezed through the exam and got to the interview. Two smug toffs vs. me with broad Somerset accent.

Them: So I see you avoided question 4 in the exam...
Me (thinks): Yeah, there's a good reason for that.
Them: ... so could you do that one on the board for us now?

By the end of the interview I'd decided I hated the place and its denizens and there was no way I'd go there even if they begged. So:

Them: Is there anything you'd like to ask us?
Me: Yes. You have quite a separate application system to the other universities: I have to put you top of the list, I can't apply to Cambridge as well, I have to sit an exam. Surely maths is maths. What makes Oxford any different to all the others, apart from its historical reputation?
Them: Umm... [squirm]

They turned me down, but it was worth it.

I got at 1st at Southampton instead.
( teedyay, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Badum tish. I'm, here all week...
I had an interview for a multinational company for Marketing Manager job. Mockter and Scramble, we'll call 'em for the purposes of this.

I was asked to provide an example of when I'd been particularly creative when solving a problem. My response:

"I told my son that when an ice-cream van only plays the music when it's run out of ice-cream'.

Didn't get the job...
(Lord of the Pies, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 13:18, Reply)

Shortest interview ever.

This girl applied for a software engineering role we had at the MOD. Her CV read like a Computer Science professors, so I invited her along, I was pretty sure that she was exaggerating but decided to call her bluff on the off-chance she might not be lying her a** off and could be the exact person we wanted.

ME: 'I notice you've listed almost every programming language known to man on your CV - but there's no indication of your skill level there - so how competent would you say you are at them, what are your top 5 skills?'

HER: 'Erm... actually I can't really program. It's the lecturers fault, they don't teach us properly'

ME: [stunned silence]... you realise this is a programming role for flight simulator development, don't you? Why did you apply?

HER: to find out more about the role... and because my boyfriend lives in China and this place is near the airport.

Lets see: applied to the MOD (Official secrets act and all that) with no technical skills for a job that requires advanced programming skills because you want to have easy airport access to your boyfriend IN CHINA (not exactly on our 'friendly' list at the time - or even now).

Oh how we wept with laugher.
(coding_monkey, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 13:04, Reply)

Wrong train station ...
After uni, I goofed off for some while, then applied for jobs. Was invited to two interviews at two different companies, within the same week.

The first one went without problems and I decided that I'd go to the second one even if I got the first job.

So I get off at what I believe to be the correct train station and start walking in what I think is the right direction. Eventually I figure out that I'm off by several kilometers and I head in the correct direction at an added pace. Make a phone call to explain the situation.

In the end I arrive sweaty and 45 minutes late. They seemed forgiving but I don't think I made a good impression. Fortunately, the night before, the first company had called to offer me a job so I wasn't too bothered..
(spinoza, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 12:59, Reply)

Hangovers
I'm struck by how many people here claim to have turned up to job interviews hungover, tired, recovering from MASSIVE, KER-AZY drugs benders, etc....zzzzzz....

You lying toads. Admit that you were tucked up in bed the previous night by 8.30 with a cup of cocoa and a copy of the company's brochure.

You're fooling nobody.
(Ian Maiden, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 11:51, Reply)

unholysmoke
Surely not?
(jernobyl, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 11:42, Reply)

micro$haft
Hungover, tired and pissed off that I wasn't in bed, I turned up at *the makers of windows* (in reading) for a sandwich placement interview.

Interview started by a group of us being left alone in a room and asked to write our names of a bit of card. The pens smelled of shit and they didn't write on the cardboard so I got my own pen out and used that. Test 1 passed it seemed...

Next test was a group molest and competition to see who could name all of the flavours of the pens. WTF?! Needless to say they all smelt of cider to me, so I didn't win the teeshirt.

After a brief walk around we were bundled into groups in a room and asked to organised a trip to Rome. No other explanation - just some guy with a hardon just filming us in the corner. Our plan consisted of driving there in an old bus because some dappy bird suggested it and the rest of us were still wondering WTF we had got into.

For the next 30 mins I was stuck next to some twat on the help desk, where I watched him play on the internet and download video clips from a website in the Ukraine of a girl urinating out of a window.

Final test of the day was being shut in a room and made to call up the bloke in the room opposite and describe to him how to make this lego model. Except it wasn't a model - it was the product of some disabled child that had put bricks together thinking it was a giraffe. I got pissed at the guy on the other end as he pretended not to know what a lego brick was and twice dialled the wrong phone number.

I didn't get the job.
(lambchimp, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 10:56, Reply)

University Interview
Walked in and sat down.

The bloke looked me in the eye and said 'impress me.'

So I looked right back at him, stood up, and pulled out my eight-inch cock.

Got in too.
(unholysmoke, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 10:01, Reply)

Bread...
Went for a job as a warehouse worker for Hovis.

Sat down...interviewer came in (me mates mum put a good word in for me...) he said

"So...you went to university eh?"

"Yup"

"Well shifting bread isnt rocket science, you want the job?"

"Yup"

"Ok you start next week"

"Cheers!"

Job done. I really needed the fucker too :D
(Hoppkins, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 9:21, Reply)

Sweaty Betty
I am brilliant in interviews I have to be honest, but I sweat like a fucking cunt most of the time. even if i feel as cool as a cucumber the sweat drips down like a bitch. I make sure I wear white shirts as i made the mistake of removing my jacket once and I had big fuckoff wet patches under my armpit and on my back!! So much for the sure powerstick!! I swear some offices make the interview room extra warm to fuck you up.
(manny fagnet, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 9:12, Reply)

British Gas Aids
Over the summer was a little strapped for cash so me, my brother and a mate went out job hunting. We all got interviews for the job of british gas door to door salesman, mmmmm good. First off in the interview was asked to stand up and sing "im a little teapot, short and stout" with fucking actions (not shagging but teapot ones) and then get on the table and do an impression of a chicken.

We all passed and for some reason went on to do the two day training.

As a class we were asked who can tell a joke, i thought aha its all about confidence, so said "me me"

God knows what happened in this moment, but decided would be a good idea to tell the following gem

"Whats the difference between neil armstong and michael jackson?"
"Neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson fucks kids"

HA, how i laughed.

No one else did. I quit

EDIT:our trainer was called swampy, hahaha, what an ugly decrepid aids infested spanner he was
(Stone Cold Minge Binge - Wrist Deep in a gibbon, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 9:12, Reply)

myskinnywhiteass can't believe it wasn't yak
Twerp.
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 8:02, Reply)

What a lush.....
Probably the worst interview I ever had was one for "Food City", a local grocery store. The night before I came down with a nasty fever, and looked like hell in the morning. Though this being a time when I could barely afford toliet paper, I REALLY needed the job and forced myself to go. Apparently, the interviwer had, had a bad night as well, and had come to work quite snookered.

Over the course of the 3 hour interview (which should have taken about an hour) the interviewer alternately burped, dozed off and at one point began to look ill. I leaned forward to ask if he was okay- just as he began to spew. Luckily, I leapt backward, avoiding being hit, though sadly, tripped over my chair, hit my head on the desk behind me and went unconcious.

I woke up on the floor, just as the interveiwer told the manager that I had come to the interview drunk and had vomited everywhere. (Imagine the bastard blaming it on me!!!) Needless to say, I gathered myself of the floor, stomped up to the interviewer and promptly told him to "F*ck off".

Hmmmm.....anyone wonder if I got the job? (If you think I even wanted it, poke yourself in the eye!!)
(Carslyle, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 6:23, Reply)

Day from Hell (Apologies for length)
On the day of my interview the car had to go for service, cue shitty peugot (wifey decided 12 miles was to far on a scooter), there seemed to be enough fuel so off I go to sunny Kiddy.

Two miles from the interview the piece of crap runs out of fuel(screwed fuel gauge) on a hill, I get out in spiffy suit and shiny shoes to push the car to the side of the road and slip and fall due to leather soles, I chase car dive through window and apply handbrake.

Phone interviewer and explain the situation, assured not a problem would I like someone to come with fuel, no says I not wanting to look a total mong..walk to garage round corner buy fuel can and fuel and everything is rosy.

Get back in car turn the key and the heap of shit won't start, phone interviewer again, explain the new situation, told to wait there and they would get one of their engineers to come and help me. Turns out the battery clamp was cracked.

Arrived at interview 45 mins late, scuffed shoes, dirty hands and a wild look in the eyes, and got told to make the tea.

Oh and I got the job
( juanking ...and then it fell off, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 23:03, Reply)

An eye-watering missed opportunity
Once, we had to interview this guy who had a suspiciously good CV. He'd got a First at Oxbridge, fluent in Greek, Japanese and Russian, black belt in karate, in charge of various programming projects, worked for the government, last two projects classified.

Convenient, that. No references.

Even before he came in, we called him "James Bond" (we can't remember his real name). Anyway, he misses the first couple of interview slots - his car is a wreck, apparently - but soft-hearted nicies that we are we invite him back for a third attempt.

The informal, chatty part of the interview goes well, then we inform him that we're going to do a technical test. At this point, he goes very pale and sweaty, and with good reason.

Nothing. He can't declare a variable, can't write a loop in C++ (need I say that this was a programming job) so we let him use any computer language he likes. Absolute blank. In the end, he manages to write a total of 1 line of code, misspelled, illegible.

Now here comes the missed opportunity thing. Had we (innocent twits that we were) twigged at this point that his CV was a complete pile of sun-ripened donkey tripe, we could have grilled him till he squeaked. He'd obviously chosen unlikely languages, but we actually had people in the building fluent in Greek, Russian and Japanese. And the Japanese guy was into karate as well.

But no. Muggins here decides he's having a panic attack and let him off with a "thanks, but no". (*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*s head against table in utter shame.)

The agency rang up the next day to apologize - the next interview he had was even worse, as the interviewer was the one bloke who HAD got a first from Oxbridge in his subject in the year on his CV. THEY grilled him till he squeaked, then shopped him to the agency.

I'm sure he's working in the city now. Probably on a government IT initiative. Maybe air traffic control.

Frightening, isn't it?
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 22:01, Reply)

why the forms? why?
Applying for a job at Booths (northern supermarket chain) a few years back to be a weekend shelf-stacker/tillgimp, I went to pick up the application form, which was the size of a small dictionary and contained such vital queries as "what key skills can you bring to this job?" (ability to lift boxes and use my index finger?) and "when have you shown originality of thought in dealing with a problematic situation that occured in the workplace?" (calling for more change and a mop in aisle six?) I think I cracked on about page 9 ("What would you say was your proudest achievement?") and wrote something along the lines of "completing this ridiculous form without stabbing myself in the eye with the pen."

Never heard back from them, oddly enough. But then of course, I went to Oxford, where me and my overpriviledged, get-everything-we-want-far-too-easily chums and I lounge around all day cockily talking about how damn rich we are, of course. So everything’s just dandy.

Get over yourself, you ballbag, and stop with the stoopid misconceptions. people are only telling stories.

/rant – sorry all
(jennymnemonic, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 21:59, Reply)

job interviews...
Not me, but almost... I was out in the middle of nowhere installing one of many dams on a bog on the border mire's talkin to a friend about my forthcoming job interwiew... He told me that one of his friends had a very good interview, spoilt only by the obligatory handshake at te end... Instead of opting for the traditional handshake, he opted for the over-the-top-kind-of-holding-the-thumb-thing... hard to describe in writing but i think you'll get it... Anyway, for some strange reason that thought stuck in my mind throuought the interview. In the end I was so close to doing it myself but managed not to... I didn't get the job anyway...
(FlangeCat, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 21:28, Reply)

Another
Who'd have thought it, me, a rich, gifted, will-get-everything-way-too-easily-in-life and I'm well cocky brainbox, flunked my Oxford/Cambridge/any other uni that isn't a former polytechnic interview with some "crayzee" "professor". Man, I'm bad.
(ryry, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 21:20, Reply)

Only Debenhams...
I'm still in school, and thought I'd try for a nice part time job in Debenhams. I was told to meet 'Janette' in the lingerie department, at 5 o'clock.

Characteristically late for everything, I came straight from school and turned up at 4.50. And stood. And stood. After a while, self-consciousness came into play, and I kept trying to divert my eyes to where seemed most wholesome, away from busty mannequins and thongs - which was the floor, or the entirely blank ceiling. Odd looking in itself. But by 5.03 I needed the toilet, quite badly, and my legs had developed a slightly agitated twitch. And, I realised, as leggedy young sales assistants and grey-haired betties alternated walking by, that I was in full school uniform, and must have looked the absolute embodiment of spotty teenage perversion.

Anyway, 'Janette' turned up at about ten past, whisked me away (to my relief) to an office upstairs, ceased smiling completely and proceeded to interview me with an air of pity for a full thirty minutes. ('Have you ever pulled through a time of adversity?' - 'um, not particularly... GCSEs were quite hard, and... I didn't use to have many friends...')


As seems to be the way with these more piteous stories, I didn't get the job.
(Turnipton, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 20:28, Reply)

Interview for a Spook Agency
I had been working for about 4 months after leaving University, for the Australian Defence Department. Saw a vacancy in one of the unnamed spy agencies, in the same compound as where I was. Get an interview, walk up to the front desk of their hightly secure building. Guy behind the desk looks like he spend the last 20 years as a bare knuckly boxer, and has his right hand 3 inches from a large revolved.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT" he bellows at me.

"Um, I'm here for a job interview" I stammer.

"WOTS YER NAME" he screams.

I give him my name.

Bullet head squints at a list of names.

"YER NAME ISN'T ON HERE" he yells.

I have visions of being locked in some dark dungeon, when the person I was to be interviewed by - who I knew - appeared at the desk to rescue me.

After that introduction, I didn't get the job - but I was told I came second. Bugger it.
(Maclir, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 19:22, Reply)

When I got stuck ...
I went to an interview and a large telecoms company. When I arrived there was lots of "repartitioning" going on and walls were being moved around. I did the first part of the interview fairly well, and managed the barage of questions easily (mmm - rub that ego boy!). The second part was in another room, and the nice Personnel lady took me in and told me to complete a quick Q&A sheet.

"I'll be back in about half an hour", she said.

Well.. 30 minutes came and went. I sat and sat, waiting for the nice lady to come back... however, she did not. After about 45 minutes I got a bit concerned, but not wanting to be found wandering around the corridors, I figured it'd be best to sit tight. After an hour I heard a rumble of feet outside the door as people went to lunch. By this time I was busting for a piss (sipping all that water due to the nerves wasn't a good idea). I decided to get out. There weren't any phones in the room so I figured the only option was to walk out...

... then I found it... a key-coded door. But it was on the INSIDE.. My brain couldn't comprehend it.. I realised it must've had something to do with the rapid office moves.. I was stuck, and really, really needing a piss.

... Aha! My mobile!

I grabbed my mobile... but there wasn't much of a signal. So I ended up standing on a table. The only number I had was for the job agency that got me this interview, so I called them. After explaining my situation and getting my "caring sharing" agency rep saying....

"Hang on, I'll put you speaker phone - can you just tell me what's happened again?"

I was really needing a piss and really wasn't in the mood for it at the time.

"You're joking right? There's no way they'd put a keylock on the inside. And you're standing on a table now ? Eheheheh ? Really? AHHAHA!!"

.. After a few more minutes I managed to pursuade them that NO, I really wasn't joking and I really WAS stuck. They eventually called reception and a security guard came up to let me out, "I told them to take this bloody door off, it's the old one - this used to be the corridor where you're sitting now".

.. After a quick trip to the bog I met up with the Personnel bird, who apologised endlessly and gave me some free o2 (doah! sorry) pens. She'd buggered off for lunch and left me. Cow.

Anyhow, I got home and people took the piss for weeks afterwards. I got the job in the end, but decided not to take it.
(G-Funk, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 17:59, Reply)

Golf
Recently we were interviewing for a position at our company and the interviewee's second name was a golfing reference (par), now we had this a week before with someone called pie and so two of the people going to interview him decided they would get as many golf references in to the conversation as possible. The thing was they were playing against each other with a third 'moderating' and taking scores.

Things were even (about 7 all) until right as they were leaving A won by pulling out the old I'm a bit GREEN today as I was out on the piss last night and I've got those massive solid BOGEYS that you get after a night on the beers thus clinching the competition in the dying seconds

The guy in question was told about the competition when we phoned him about coming back to meet some more people in the company and sprayed his coffee over his computer while trying not to laugh and so we hired him.
( weekendsession, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 17:01, Reply)

At my Oxford interview I...
- walked into the room and fell flat on my face having tripped over the edge of the rug, which gave me an attack of hiccups that lasted the rest of the interview

- used the words "big slut" when asked to describe a character in a play

- used the word "suposably" at least twice, interspersed with loud, involuntary hiccups

- made myself laugh so much at my own hiccups that they had to send me out of the room to "get a glass of water and calm down"

I got in. Never heard the story of the Wadham chicken-buggerer, but the legend of the guy who vomited into the tutor's lap is, I can reveal, all true. He lives next door.

Must have been a dry year...
(jennymnemonic, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 16:44, Reply)

British Rail...
Needed a bit of summer work a few years back...told agency couldn't work weekends and was only interested in working for a couple of months (due to moving away in few months time) turn up at interview..

Interviewer: so you ok with working Saturdays?

me: urrm

Interviewer: Well, how committed to the role are you ..? We like to think people can make a career here.

me: urrm

both decided that agencies where shite and sorry to waste each others time.

Wouldn't have minded but had to get a train to the interview and was caught trying to dodge the fare by some 15 year old British Rail jobs worth cunt.
(simpson, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 16:31, Reply)

Had an interview with a law firm once.
Or, rather, a series of interviews. By the time I'd spent over 6 hours wandering around the place, meeting people, having multiple grillings from various lawyers and several psychometric tests, an HR bod asked me to describe myself in three words. "Very very bored" I responded. Didn't get the job oddly enough.
(lolly, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 15:21, Reply)