Lies...
I remember the final days of the 'Black and White Minstrel Show' being on T.V. When I asked my dad why the Minstrels had black faces, he told me that their cars kept breaking down on the way to the studio, and that they got all black and oily repairing them. Later, I realised that this was bullshit, because my West Indian friend's dad didn't even have a car....
(quolkalamazoom, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 13:13, Reply)

No parents again...
Well, this one doesn't involve my parents either, but we've got this really thick friend and we'd blagg her head whenever we got stoned.
Me and a friend would pretend to her that we were psychic. I'd ask him to think of an animal, then pull a "concentrating hard" face for a bit, and say the name of any old animal, to which my friend would always reply "Yes, that's right."
Our slightly moronic friend really believed that I could read my other friend's mind. We could do it again and again, and she never saw what we were doing. Fabulous.
(Tommy B!, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 12:57, Reply)

Ummm...
Well, this isn't a lie that my parents told me, but me and my mate told our little sisters that we had brought them a glass of apple juice. They BOTH drunk it, at which point we revealed that it was, in fact, our urine. Hahahahah!!! They were only about 4 years old an' all!!! But I was 7 at the time, not, 20, how evil do you think I am, you bastards???!!!
(Tommy B!, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 12:51, Reply)

Two things that stick in the back of my throat a little
One: my parents, the devious swines, always told me that it was against the law for children not to go to school. After I left in 1996, I found that this was patently not the case. Most of my peers were not, as I thought, my classmates; but were in fact helping to bolster Britain's gambling community or alter its crime figures.

Two: whenever, when I was young, there was a reference in Bergerac or Juliet Bravo to the practice of fisting, rimming or feltching, I asked my mum what they meant. Her reply was always "I'll tell you when you're thirty". Now, I won't be 30 until April 2010, but I don't hold out much hope. Frankly, I think I've been had again, and I'd better read up about them in my own time.
( dotmund .co.uk, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 12:40, Reply)

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition, & Repetition
Oh for goodness sake, how many times are people going to post that sodding story about Ice-cream vans playing their music when they've run out! It was funny the first time, but does someone really need to mention it on every single page?!?

Oh and "Nico at uni! w00t! (previously named viper_2090..."... your post on page 16 is the same as my post on page 9! WTF?

Don't worry though, you're not the only one who doesn't appear to have bothered to read the other posts... obviously some people feel that if they tell THE SAME EFFING STORY, it'll automatically be funnier!

Sorry, I'm in a ranty mood at the moment. Rant over.
(minister of heresy, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 11:32, Reply)

brussel sprouts
My mum told us that sprouts were just mini cabbages, from the inside of a normal cabbage. I always felt that it was such a waste to remove all that outter packaging just to get a sprout. Now I know better as the supermarkets let you buy them on branches (or whatever the correct term is...) Ignorance is bliss
(pondloife, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 10:48, Reply)

Brotherly love
My brother and I were babysitting our younger sister while our parents were at a neighbours house. (She was about 8 and we were 14 and 16) We convinced her that night was the night plastic bags came alive and ate people. (over active imaginations)

We had previously placed a plastic bag in the middle of the living room and tied a piece of string to it, trailing it under the couch we were sitting on and up the back. She was shit scared from our 'scary' story.

We pointed out the bag on the floor and almost immediately I tugged on the string, the bag flew toward our couch.

My sister saw this, panicked, shrieked, and leapt about 5 feet to the seat opposite us. (an exceptional jump for an eight year old).

She told our parents and they nearly pished themselves.

She hates us now. Oh well.
(logan28, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 10:43, Reply)

My mum told me
once before I went out with my girlfriend, If I had sex before I get merried, My cock would fall off. It didn't.
( tolin its me, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 10:21, Reply)

My dad was full of gems of sadistic parenting
Because of him I beleved up till an embarrassingly late point in kiddiehood that every electricity pylon we drove past was the eiffel tower, and that The Body Shop was some kind of macabre emporium at which to stock up on brains, bones, blood etc. Oh, and that he'd murdered lots of people.

Perhaps the most eevil though came when, on holiday in france, i got a particularly nasty cold a few days b4 we were due to fly home. My lovely concerned daddy convinced me that if the cold hadnt gone by the day of the flight, my head would almost certainly explode on the plane. He'd seen it happen many a time b4, he insisted, and wasn't prepared to get snot all over his jacket again. I nearly shat meself when i woke up still snuffly on the day of the flight...
(the divine dibzee, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 10:16, Reply)

Baloon Tree
My dad convinced my that one of the trees in the garden was a baloon tree. One morning I awoke to discover it in full fruit.
(rattus, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 6:31, Reply)

I was an unwanted child
My dad always told me it was normal for a dad to try and teach his kid how to swim by putting them in a burlap bag with a big rock and dropping them in the middle of the lake. He would get really mad at me for getting out. Also, he told me electric appliances were my bath toys.
(Fragger, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 5:58, Reply)

Sometimes
in retrospect it's probably better that parents do lie. I once asked my dad 'what's a prostitute?' and straight faced he replied 'someone who shags for a living'. Needless to say that was the only 'talk' I ever got.
(Vectrex, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 5:49, Reply)

pain
This is going to hurt me more than you........
How does that one work?
(kattyfromsydney, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 4:50, Reply)

Pigs
My mother told me that that one song.. 'standing in the middle of the road with my past behind me' really said 'pants'. I found the truth a long time later.. in public. Also, she told me that adults didn't have bellybuttons, because I kept asking to see hers. She also told me she was 80 when I was about 5. I told my teacher, and was punished for lying. She took lying to her children for a sport, and still does it constantly. Not really to stop us from doing anything- just believable (to me) tidbits like 'Hamlet? Oh.. that means a young pig.."
(haykoe, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 1:35, Reply)

Aussie lies
Living in Australia we spent a lot of time at the beach and my parents use to keep us in line by telling us that if we didn't swim between the patrol flags the lifeguards wouldn't help us if we got in trouble (I still think lifeguards are selfish slackers).

They also told us that the wombats and kangaroos lying by the side of the road were 'napping'.

That christmas presents were magic are were programmed to disapear if children looked at them without their parents in the room. Kept us in bed til 9 or 10 am waiting for them to come and get us!!

Also, my big bro told me and my twin sister that I was adopted, apparently they liked the look of my sister so much and had gone to the orphanage and found a match. He also claimed that they did it so they could use us as child stars on TV and always have a spare (not so outlandish as we did play the role of a baby on cell block H for two years). Believed him for years, bastard.
(purplekitty, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 1:01, Reply)

Not exactly a lie, (she believed it)


Before bed, my gran would go round her house making sure every electric plug was in it's socket. When asked why:

"To stop the electricity leaking out"

Like I said, it confused me when I was 5, but i think by about 6 1/2 I'd figured out that my gran was nuts.
( gp_guineapig, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 0:54, Reply)

Jack frost
During winter season, my parents would tell me that if I did not go to bed before 8pm that Jack Frost would come and pull my eyes out. During summer, it would be Mr Thompson from the bad childrens home who would come and pull my legs and arms off. Also I was made out of cabbage and my brother was a turnip
( The Duke of Prunes, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 0:50, Reply)

icecream truck LIES!
We were told that when an icecream van was playing its music, it meant that they were out of icecream.

BASTARDS!
(casey, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 0:25, Reply)

Damn parents
thought it was wrong to ever tell us lies. Even about santa. When I was about 3 some neighbour kids told me about him and I ran into the house saying 'guess what! there's this fat guy going to come down the chimney and give us all presents!' They instantly told me the truth, what a horrible shock.
(Lazystudent, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 22:58, Reply)

Tar Worms
  One day whilst walking home from the park I noticed some small round holes in the pavement. Some men from the council or the water board had obviously being trying to find a pipe or cable. I asked my mother "what are those holes for?" She replied they were made by worms. "But worms can't eat tarmac!" I replied, "But these are Tar Worms" said mother.

  She then went on to explain how Tar Worms had evolved from normal worms when humans started building roads. They were an inch thick and had really sharp teeth to get through the tar and stones. For quite a long time I would leap over the holes to avoid the worms.

  She also told me that she was a witch and would do all sorts of nasty things if I didn't behave. I read in Roald Dahl's "The Witches" that real witches had blue spit, so she couldn't be a real witch. Cue mother getting some blue food colouring and cackling loudly as I ran to my room.

  "nig nog": I once found a copy of "The Ten Little Nigger Boys" which belonged to my mother when she first started teaching. I believe it is now banned by schools.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 22:37, Reply)

trapped.. forever
my brother and his friend once told me to come up into the loft with them, so i went up first, and they even got me to help them fold up the ladder before they shut me in there for like half an hour, they did this all the time, in fact we used to play hide and seek, and either i was really good at hiding, or they didn't actually try to find me... bastards
(mandwhy, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 22:26, Reply)

All the time
"I'm only gonna tell you this once!"
(Cashmere, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 22:01, Reply)

chocolate lies!
as a kid i didn't like dark chocolate, round a family friends once i was offered a chocolate covered digestive, alas dark chocolate but so i didn't look rude my dear mother told me it was milk chocolate that had just gone dark in the sun, 'a bit like when people get tanned on holiday dear' is the lie that still haunts my dreams. naturally i gobbled down a biscuit in my ignorance!

parents, they only have kids to mess with their minds!
(foulolechris, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 21:40, Reply)

Stop this sick filth!
My parents had no qualms about telling us fully fledged lies - waxing lyrical about santa and his elves. The fact that they dragged me and my sisters round argos on christmas eve unfortunately wasn't enough to tip us off. It's no wonder really after they went to such lengths to back up their lies. Each christmas eve they would give our west highland white terrier a trim, placing several white hairs in the glass of tennent's extra strength we had left our for the old fella himself. My dad would take a bite out of the carrot, leaving very reindeer like teeth marks with his falsies. Needless to say we were pleased to see that santa had visited but also concerned about what type of degenerative illness could cause him to lose quite so much hair all in one go.
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 21:28, Reply)

My grandfather once told me
that when you went swimming, some of the water went up your, er, 'parts,' and that's why you always have to pee after swimming.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 21:24, Reply)

older sisters are worse than parents
My older sisters and cousins told me an that an area of grey rock on the side of a nearby mountain was the devil's cave and that he came out to 'get' little kids. they even made a tape of 'woooo' sounds to scare me and my younger cousins.

On a similar note they also spent these times taunting me by shouting 'double chin! messy hair!' repeatedly at me. sob!
(evil_beetle, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 21:12, Reply)

My mother always told me...
"If you don't stop pulling at your toggle [penis], it'll be down to your knees"

Oh, how she lied!
(Top chumps, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 20:55, Reply)

Bunnies: It Can't Be Only Me!
I've read through the entire thread now, and have been forced to delurk for my first ever post, by the strange lack of tales about bunnies.

I mean, I can't be the only one who's parents made them quiver with terror at the mere mention of the fluffy toothed ones, can I?

For those of you who had parents who cared and therefore don't understand, it goes like this: the parent describes the bunny as "a hairy creature, with big teeth and big ears, that lives in a hole in the ground". However, they don't also mention that the bunny is a) small b) cute c) hasn't got fangs and d) only eats grass.

So basically I thought bunnies were a sort of giant, hole-dwelling troll. :( My parents never bothered retract their clumsy explanation of what a bunny is when they were having so much fun torturing me. "Be quiet, or I'll let the bunny rabbits have you!" would keep me quiet for hours.

Apparently, it all came to end on my third day at school, when my primary school teacher asked me whether I wanted to help feed the bunny she had bought in. Though I don't remember it myself, they say it took about 45 minutes to coax me out from under the headmasters car...

I still don't like going near bunnies; I have to force myself to remember that they aren't evil. Surely I am not alone in being mentally scarred in this manner...? Come on, confess it, you buggers.

Actually, now I come to think about it, my dad told me that the empty boiler suit that he had left down in the garage crawlspace was all that remained of the last person to annoy him, and my nan told me evil gypsys go around offering doped sweets to children, so they could sell them into slavery in Persia. My family was EVIL.
(IChewCandlewax, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 20:52, Reply)

A scottish friend of mine was told by his dad that jam was blown into the middle
of doughnuts with straws by an army of old ladies in Cowdenbeath as part of a government scheme to cut down unemployment.
( Cromagnon Don't waste my motherfucking time!, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 20:33, Reply)

willetts
In a video of an irish wedding we saw some great dancers dressed as scarecrows. The guy danciong at the irish wedding was my "uncle", or so i was told, it was only when i asked him why hed never told us he could dance and the whole room cracked up that i realised. Damn punks.
(Willetts, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 19:44, Reply)