My uncle told me...
that if i told anyone about "our little secret" he would have to go away for a long time. And it would be all my fault
(mister nice guy, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 11:54, Reply)

My bloody parents
told me that if I played with my belly-button, my arse would fall off.
(PsiPhi, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 11:46, Reply)

My Grandpa, egged on by my parents...
Used to tell me to knock on the pillar by his front door to use the "magic switch" to turn the outside lights on and off. It was when I was 15 that I finally realised he had his hand on the switch just inside the door! They weren't laughing with me...
(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 11:24, Reply)

The Queen
When the Queen is in her ceremonial car, she does that silly circular wave out of the window.
My parents told me that she does that so much that she can't do it with her real hand, or it would get much too tired. So she has a mechanical hand that she operates by turning a handle, thus saving her real hand from harm.
Genius.
/edit: I spoke to my Mum about this last night, and apparently she nicked the idea from a Carry On film. That has ruined my illusion worse than finding out it wasn't true; I was so utterly impressed by the imagination and pointlessness of the lie. Boo. Mind you she also said that my younger Brother believed it until he was about 16. He's going to become a Dad himself this week, and I hope he lies to his kid in the same way.
(oiseau, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 11:03, Reply)

My parents once told me...
that donner kebabs were in fact severed elephant legs. Seemed reasonable at the time. And of course the old classic; "when you hear the ice cream van play that tune it means that they have run out of ice cream". I am *so* going to use that one on my kids.
(subsine, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 10:49, Reply)

Morroccan
My brother told me that I was a Moroccan, and that my parents found me when they were on holiday there. When I asked why I didn't have a huge nose like the other Arabs we saw (we were in Morocco on hols at the time) he said it was because I fell off a camel and squashed it. Parents fully backed him up and I believed him til I was about 6.

My dad told me that if I burst the bubbles made by washing-up detergent the King of Bubbles would get me. I defiantly said I would pop the King of Bubbles, but apparently the King of Bubbles is made out of cement... Barst. Still feel anxious when washing up.
( Strangey is present at, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 10:08, Reply)

As a kid I used to
love the thing where you started with your finger about 6 inches from your face and then moved it in to your nose so that you ended up with cross eyes. My mum wasn't impressed and told me they'd eventually stay like that.

I never did it again.
(conuil, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 9:57, Reply)

My Aunty J owned a parrot...
... many years ago. These days I disapprove of caging animals, especially birds, but to a 7 year old there was nothing cooler than an imprisoned cockatu.

When visiting at Easter time Aunty J would give myself and my little brother a Cdbury's Cream Egg and say that the parrot had laid them.

One day something troubled me.

"Aunty J," I asked "if she lays them, how does she get the tinfoil wrapping on?"

After a moments thought she replied

"She's just very talented."
(microsaulxp, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 9:47, Reply)

Not my parents, but my uncle told me...
I was about 10 when i got my first home computer, a Commadore Vic 20 no less (2 whole k of ram!), which my uncle bought me. He convinced me that if I typed any rude words not only would it shut itself down never to work again, but also automatically call my parents phone and tell them what I'd been doing.

Like a mug I believed him. Yes this was a long time ago.

10 Print "Twat"
20 goto 10
(saaaaaaausage you say?, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 9:28, Reply)

warm and gooey
my uncle (not technically a parent - but i am from burton on trent) told me when i was ickle that the splash from raindrops hitting puddles were actually fairies dancing.

obviously a bunch of arse, but i still like the concept - and i still watch puddles in the rain to this day with that in mind.

im 26. and male.
(magictorch, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 9:23, Reply)

Bernard Matthews Turkey Roasts...
...those squat, frozen cylinders of reformed turkey meat; we had one for Sunday lunch once. I didn't know what it was, so Dad told me it obvious from the shape - it came from a giraffe's neck.

I was too shocked to realise that there was no indication of a neck bone. But not shocked enough to stop me polishing the lot off. Lovely.
( biggus_richus, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 9:14, Reply)

I was young and stupid...and hungry
and I wanted more sausage, as you do. So my dad just cut the one I had in half and told me I had to. I knew there was something wrong, but I just couldn't work it out. He still likes to tell me that story. Personally, I don't actually remember it, and maybe that's the real lie.
(christophaloph, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 9:10, Reply)

Showing my wrinkled old...
When I was around 6 years.  My mother, who was always trying to get culture into us young'uns, insisted on my watching the "Portrait of Dorian Grey" a movie about a man who sells his soul to the Devil.  Dorian never grows old, but a painting of him does.

Already about terrified of crabs, bugs, Ect. I saw the face of the old man in the painting in anything with a frame.  Mom is just at wits end with this problem and gives me a childrens asprin.  "It'll go away if you take this!"

Not from my parents, but from the scoutmaster!  You should have listened to what I would have to do in order to join the Boy Scouts.  Goodbye to the sadomasochistic 60's!
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 8:22, Reply)

Wasps and Bees, oh my
My dad told me that bees were friendly and wasps were mean, and that I should run screaming from wasps but be calm and peaceful around bees.

At primary school, a bee came in. All the little kids freak out and run screaming from it. Of course, I stand still, smug in the knowledge that bees are our friends. It stings me. I had such a go at my dad that night.

His response?

"It might have been a wasp in disguise, they're really tricky..."

Gah, parents!
(kiwanotree Meh, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 7:20, Reply)

My uncle
was in the movie "The Blob" (the original) and when we saw the movie on TV we saw him get eaten by the Blob (he was the guy in the bathtub) and my parents said that the reason he was eaten was because he didnt finish his homework. It didnt make me do my homework as much as it made me creeped out. God was I a sap.
(Peripheral Visionary, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 6:43, Reply)

It happened very rarely, but every now and then the tables could be turned....
When I was really young, my parents bought my sister and me each a mechanical alarm clock - the kind with the two bells on top. I took mine up to my room, and about half an hour later my mother came in to find me sitting on the floor, surrounded by tiny clock parts. I was just learning to use a screwdriver. She gulped a few times, said nothing, then turned and walked out.

Another half hour after that, she came in again to find me sitting on the floor, playing with a complete alarm clock - and it worked! She was absolutely amazed. Stunned. She told all her friends about her genius son who stripped an alarm clock down to its tiniest little spring then put it all properly back together again, and it kept perfect time.

What she didn't know was that once I'd taken the thing apart I realized there was no way in hell I could figure out how to get all those pieces to fit back together... so I went over to the next room and took my sister's clock.

To this day she doesn't realize the stunt - and it served me very well when I wanted to take apart the vacuum cleaner, the stereo, and anything else I could get my hands on. I had open reign on the household machinery.

I learned my lesson though - after the clock I made sure I laid all the bits and pieces out in order so I knew how they went back!
(arvana, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 6:37, Reply)

I just remembered this
As most of you probably know cans of Planter's Peanuts have a picture of "Mr. Peanut" (a peanut wearing a top hat, glasses, face, arms and legs) on them. When I was about 3 years old my dad pointed a picture of Mr. Peanut on the can and told me that, they make peanuts by "chopping the arms, legs and face off." It didn't really upset me, but I actually believed this for a few years.
( ein, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 5:58, Reply)

That people only have sex
when they love each other very much.
( ein, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 5:51, Reply)

ma and pa told me
i was a twat. fuck they can tell some lies.
(fushundchups taste better with vinegar, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 5:20, Reply)

Thunder & Lightning
When I was about 6, I was told that lightning was created by friction when 2 raindrops touched each other as they fell.
Thunder was 2 clouds bumping.

(yay first post)
(isajones, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 4:41, Reply)

Not a mum. At least, not MY mum
It was a few months ago in my freshman science class, as I am a homeschooler it is taught by a mother who just *happens* to have a degree in science. Hmm....anyway, we were in class and talking about evolution and stuff, and she's a "fundie" (fundimentalist christian, the poofs) and was going on and on about how there was so much proof that the world is 6000 years old, and the sad thing is at least half of the kids in the class believed her. Poor, poor, little dunderheads...
(Mreek, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 3:10, Reply)

Liars
My parents used to say, if you stayed in the bath after all the water had drained out, you'd be sucked down the drain.

Also, the old one... "Parsnips taste just like roast potatoes!" So, I tried them... I nearly gipped.
(Frogster, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 2:29, Reply)

My stepfather once
told me that his bedroom visitations were normal.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 2:27, Reply)

Shark Radio
We had a box of matches in the kitchen, with the slogan "MAYNEWS is Good News!" written on it. Bored, I told my girlfriend (now wife), that I'd written that slogan and hadn't received a penny in royalties. I thought nothing more of it until a couple of years later, at a dinner party, when my wife brought up my skanking at the hands of the tightwads. Maynews.
(mrorangespangle, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 2:19, Reply)

Hair colour
My mum used to tell me that my hair wasn't brown, it was dish-water blonde.

Took me many, many years to twig what what she was on about.

Also, if I found a gift with my name on it, Mum and Dad would say it was for Steven Barnacle. However, I now use this to explain to my missus how the appaling mess in the kitchen got there...bloody Steven Barnacle.
(Rubberband_in_Oz, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 2:11, Reply)

my mum told me
that every time the ice cream van plays it's music, god kills a kitten.

She also said that my dad moved to Germany to work in offices. I recently found out that he went to prison for being a dirty pervert.
( SarahRatt, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 2:11, Reply)

Lie from Father
"Yes, I'll call you. I promise."

That was 21 years ago, when I was 13. Haven't seen him since.

A friend's mother told me that black babies were born white and gradually turned black. (I turned that into a compo entry not too long ago.) She was absolutely adamant - I'm not sure if she was pulling my leg or if she actually believed it herself.
( HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 2:06, Reply)

Bird Brain
One day before leaving for school I told my mom that Tweety, our parakeet, was stiff at the bottom of the cage. She told me that she would put him in a paper bag and bring him to the doctor. When I got home that day, Tweety was fine, but he was a green instead of blue. My mom told me the medicine does that sometimes.
Tweety lived a very long time, but every so often he would have to go to the doctor and sometimes his color would change.
(Blob, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 1:57, Reply)

wee-wee stealing fly-flys
When I was about ten, and my cousin about 5 - I told him that airplanes wanted to steal his 'tassel'. Read: penis. For about two years, he would run screaming to hide inside whenever he heard or saw any plane/helicopter in the sky. My grandmother finally found out why, and I copped a fair bit of flak.
Worth it though - it's his 21st soon, may have to remind him.
(Kruse, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 1:57, Reply)

one time
my dad said that it was normal for men to dress as women and go to gay bars

this came off badly at my first week in uni
( Sunshine Elephant, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 1:39, Reply)