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This is a question Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Tingtwatter asks: Ever been on the receiving end of some quality health care? Tell us about it

(, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:49)
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I was going out with a girl who is the biggest nympho I have ever met. She's the only girl who's ever outstripped my sex drive. Seriously, if we had sex five times, it was a bad day. And I think it's probably pretty obvious that a girl who is this voracious is not a make-love-gently-and-kiss-me-tenderly-until-i-cry-of-happiness kind of girl. Oh no, it was hard, energetic, sweaty, dirty sex.

It was a good day for her. We had been at it for a while. It had been as vigorous as usual (I don't think I've ever had better abs), of numerous separate occurrences, and to be absolutely frank, my cock was practically red raw (she was on the pill, so no condoms). But she needed another hit of my love drug, so like a trooper, I put aside the slight pain in my happy parts and went to work.

As we did the good-time dance, the pain became more and more noticeable. With every thrust and parry of the pork sword, there was a sharp stinging sensation, which slowly turned from soreness to a slight discomfort, to an irritation, to a significant distraction. I went from a wry smile to a raised eyebrow to a grimace at every pressurisation of the pleasure piston. I was beginning to think that it might be a good idea to stop.

But I did not have time to finish this thought. Oh no, it was too late. After one almighty drop of the vaginal depth detector, the distraction became searing, burning agony. The grimace turned to a convoluted, tortured, shocked expression.

I pulled out. I looked down. There was blood. A surprising amount of blood.

For a moment, I was confused. She had been on Shark Week only a week earlier, and surely even the most enthusiastic intercourse couldn't actually rub the skin off my most treasured possession?

No. Another look told me what I needed to know - my precious, valuable, unique, irreplaceable one-string bass needed a new E.

Oh dear god, the horror of looking down at that torn, lacerated sliver of skin, which seems so unimportant until it's gone... my banjo will never play the same tune again.

Tenuous link to question subject: when I went to the doctor he said "Well, you've probably done yourself a favour. It was obviously too tight anyway. Keep it lubricated and you should be fine." Thanks doc... bit late for that.

Men of the world - if it hurts, don't carry on. I implore you.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 17:59, 29 replies)
This really happened.

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:15, closed)
What can I tell you
It did. Artistic licence in language is employed, but this is genuine. I could tell you more details about the numerous times she cheated on me or the time I shut her out of my bedroom and went to sleep, unable to hear her as she beat her fists to a pulp on it, etc etc. Or I could supply you with a photo of the cock in question, complete with tear. But I won't.

You may be a cynical motherfucker for a reason, but I ain't lying.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:21, closed)
This is the worst 'this really happened' justification since 'it was caight on CCTV, honest'.

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:23, closed)
You can think so if you like
It still happened.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:24, closed)
I believe you, kid
It happened to somebody who was with me, and I'm a 5-a-year bird myself.

The mixture of horror and pride was almost worth having sex with such a complete arsehole.
(, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 14:00, closed)
You do know that banjo snapping is reasonably common?

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 21:55, closed)
One of my mates
Snapped his banjo string shagging a lesbian up the arse in a horse field.
He got his Mother to drive him to hospital.
He told the nurse he got it caught in his zip. She didn't believe him, laughed at him, then stuck it back together with blue glue.

Later, I told everyone in the pub. The weekend after, in a different pub in town, a mate and I were at the bar when we overheard a bloke telling his mate a story he'd heard about a guy who ripped his cock shagging a bird up the arse in a horse field.

This very much did happen. Every single part of it.
(, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 10:14, closed)
You should write for Mills and Boon.
Pleasure piston? Fuck off you virgin cunt.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:20, closed)
Someone will be along to say 'You terrible bullies, this is a satire and really well written and OH MY GOD I'VE JUST CUM' at this post shortly.

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:22, closed)
I read it the first time as 'pleasure piston broke'.
I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:28, closed)
How do?

(, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 13:43, closed)
If you tell the internet, it didn't happen.

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:21, closed)
Obvious troll is obvious.

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:23, closed)
Is it trolling if it's the OP who looks stupid?

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:25, closed)
Is there anything I could possibly do
to convince you this is true? If you don't like the way I wrote it, that's fair enough, but man... it's true, damnit. It hurt. I only bother lying in QOTW if it's for punnage purposes.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:29, closed)
I suspect
you'll just have to accept that, true or false, Amorous Badger has called you a liar. You'll get over it, in time.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 20:00, closed)
thin-skinned I am, in many places.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 20:02, closed)
You have to remember...
that claiming to have known the touch of a woman on this website is automatically a lie of the first order, and Amorous Badger will call you out on it. Unless she was ugly, it ended in disaster or there's vomit involved, it's just not true, because sex is only ever bad and infrequent. What this says about Badger and his ilk I do not care to speculate.

Although to be fair going 'it's true honest!' doesn't really help your case.
(, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 12:46, closed)
I never once said
she was hot. Does that help?
(, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 14:33, closed)
Then it's rubbish trolling.

(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:32, closed)
I don't get it
Why does everyone say this isn't true? I mean, the only thing that seems implausible to me is how much they had sex, but surely there must be some girls out there like that? Then again, I still haven't figured out what the banjo string is anyway. *sigh*
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:52, closed)
To be fair to them
It does read a lot like the blatantly made-up stories that feature here a lot. Having posted it I can't blame people for thinking it's not true. Lesson learned - I will never again embellish a story with puerile euphemisms. Now watch as they tear me apart for going "lol yeah I suck, haha".

PS the banjo string is the frenulum.
PPS no that's not my penis.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 18:59, closed)
it's literally a banjo string
sometimes when you're a guy and you're using a public urinal, a guy will pull up next to you and play the first bar of dueling banjos on the underside of his cock. it's considered immensely rude not to reply

also: i meant to click reply, not i like this. bah
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 19:01, closed)
in a thread nominally about doctors, nurses, dentists and hospitals, there's an awful lot of I HAVE A WILLY and THIS GIRL TOTALLY WANTED TO DO THINGS WITH MY WILLY and not very much about doctors, nurses, dentists or hospitals.

Also, 95% of the time (or, on the internet, 99.9 recurring % of the time) when a man calls a woman a nympho he means either a) she enjoys sex, which women are not supposed to do; b) she enjoys sex but not with him and he's far too New Man (tr: Nice Guy) to call her a slag; or most commonly c) he is lying through his teeth.
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 19:08, closed)
Happened to a guy I'm at college with
his girlfriend just thought it was ok, while what looked like minor arterial wasspurting from his jed-end.

A sit down in the shower and a trip to the hospital sorted it out though
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 19:38, closed)
and it's plausible.
(, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 10:14, closed)
I bet you shagged her on the back seat of your Honda Accord too.
Also, "pleasure piston"? We're not trying to write pr0n here.
(, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 0:31, closed)
QOTW checklist
Entertaining? Definitely.
Unnecessarily verbose yet amusing descriptions (of body parts)? Yes indeed.
Cringe-worthy? Absolutely.

Killed 2 minutes and gave me a chuckle, I'd say that's a win. Honestly, who really cares if it's true or not?
(, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 5:13, closed)
I care
damnit :(
(, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 13:18, closed)

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