I'm planning my midlife crisis.
First I'm going to buy a shed. A really big shed, maybe one that has a little veranda bit on the front of it.

Then I'll need to buy a car, obviously the only choice is a Honda Accord, the difficulty will be deciding what totally rad paint job I am going to get. I'm thinking I may paint a massive Mr T face on the bonnet, maybe he'll have a little speech bubble painted in blackboard paint so I can write appropriate sayings depending on what I'm doing. On my running over drug dealer days he'll be saying "I pity the fool who be selling drugs" and when I am picking up hot young models who are many years my junior he'll be saying "Quit your jibberjabber" and if they try and talk over my amazing stories of the time I flew a plane that was full of provisions for orphans into a war zone and only one engine was working and all the other people jumped out but I stuck with it and single handedly saved everyone, then I'll point and Mr T and they will totally know to shut up and keep basking in my reflected glory.

I should probably also schedule in some time for spouse beating, massive drug taking and becoming a doctor or something.

Cheers.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 3 May 2013, 11:10, 4 replies)

Thing is, the older you get, the more you realise it doesn't matter, and don't care.
It's fun watching young 'uns get freaked out by the thought of people older than them having sex.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 May 2013, 10:34, 1 reply)

Working the bag.
Being an (almost) married father of two, I was starting to get fat and disgusting. So to try and recapture some of the vim and ginger of youth, I bought a big heavy punchbag and hung it in the garden. Battering the fuck out of it makes me feel vital and energised and oh-so-terribly manly, and fools me into thinking I’m still young and healthy.
When no-one’s around though, I like to pop into the garden and start reasoning with it. I stand there pleading and cajoling, asking why it’s being ‘like this’, before dramatically flinging myself into the air and landing in a heap. Then I scream “WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” or similar before jerking up and down convulsively as I’m kicked in the face and guts. I’ll eventually end up on my knees waving my arms in the air like in Platoon and softly moaning “noooooooo” as the final blow knocks me unconscious onto the grass.
Without fail though, I always jump up shouting “TIGER UPPERCUT!” and throw one last mighty wallop. This usually cocks up and I hit a tree or skin my knuckles or something, then I have to rush inside and hold my hand under the tap.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 3 May 2013, 9:47, 4 replies)

I've got a theory...
... that my generation (early forties) and younger won't have mid life crises like they used to be. Here's why:

In the olden days (i.e. when I was a kid), blokes in their forties had often left school at sixteen or eighteen, or if they were lucky and/or posh had gone to uni. In any case, firmly on a track. They'd meet a girl, get married (quite possibly to one of the first few women they ever had sex with), and by their mid-twenties there'd be kids in their house. They'd get their heads down and pay a mortgage and start working their way up the ladder at work.

And then when they got to be about forty, in the mid seventies, their kids would be in their mid-teens. Girls would be flowering and bringing friends home. Boys would be getting girlfriends and bringing them home. Either way, these men would be reminded of the freshness of youth. Kids would getting independent, learning to drive, and taking advantage of new opportunities available to them due to increased affluence. At exactly the same time, their parents, who would by now be in their sixties and seventies and getting decrepit and dependent, would serve as a reminder of where their life was inevitably headed. Their wives, naturally, would be concentrating harder on running the house and possibly their careers than on making themselves look like sex kittens, and to top it all, after twenty years or so, their career would likely have plateaued. At this point, they'd look in the mirror at their greying temples and the beginnings of wrinkles, and they'd start to think about all the things they'd missed out on because they married young. And they'd think "this is my last chance". And they'd get a sports car, or a motorbike, and start wearing age-inappropriate clothing and chasing younger women, all in a bid to recapture something they felt they'd missed out on - an independent youth.

But for people now in their forties, the average age we got married - if we even got married at all - is much higher. More of us are delaying having kids, or not having them at all. We grew up in a time of relative prosperity, and the rise of Loaded and FHM were symptomatic of a society where it was acceptable for men in their twenties and thirties to behave like teenagers, playing computer games and buying toys and chasing women. Fundamentally, as a generation, we didn't miss out, because our adolescence was extended into our twenties and thirties. So we arrive in our forties and what do we find? We work indoors in an office, we always slathered on sunscreen, and we followed that skin care regime in "Men's Health", so we don't look that old. If we're married, our wives did similar and they look fabulous. Our kids, if we got any, are still toddlers or at least ten or under because we delayed breeding - and we get to play with their toys. And our parents, far from being decrepit, just Skyped us from bloody Thailand because their ludicrously generous final salary pensions mean they're better off than us. There's no such thing as a "career plateau" any more because there's not the same concept of a "career" - work is far more fluid than it used to be, hardly any jobs for life any more. Nothing about this scenario is telling us we have a last chance to grab something we never had, because anything we wanted, we had and to an extent still have. Also, in the event we find ourselves single and wishing for female company, the internet means meeting someone compatible and age-appropriate is simplicity itself.

My only vaguely MLC purchase was a left-handed electric guitar, which I bought, plonked about with briefly, then placed on a stand in the corner of my movie room, there to gather dust because I can't be bothered learning to play it. Other than that, at 44 I can't see the need for a crisis because life's been pretty sweet up to now, and the same goes for most of the blokes I know.

And yes, I know we're lucky.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 3 May 2013, 9:20, 10 replies)

it's my 38th birthday today
I'll be going to work as usual.

not interesting in any way. much like this whole qftw.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 3 May 2013, 7:33, 30 replies)

I noticed with my mum and Monster-in-Law
that once they hit about mid-40's they seemed to start hanging out in groups of similarly aged women. I call them the Middle-Aged Lesbian Set.
EDIT: Think Towns Women Guild, CWA, Bridge Club and Wed. morning coffee club meetings. It can be quite un-nerving when you come across more than about 4-5 of them in 1 group.

By that stage many of them have been thru at least 1 major relationship breakdown so even tho they might not actually be munching rug they mostly all hate men or at least one particular man. Strange how we all seem to get tarred by the same brush tho...

They all have reached the point in their careers where they aren't really going to advance that much any more. Which can leave them feeling a tad bitter if they haven't assailed the glass ceiling in quite the way that they wanted to.

Their kids are mostly grown ups so they don't have to be the vigilant nurturer that they might have been when their children were young. Some of them are even grandparents and often the dote on and spoil their grandchildren far more than they ever did their own kids.
And supposedly they are in their prime.

Owing to some *ahem* biological changes they also have all turned into absolute bitches. To a woman.

So there's all of that to look forward to for teh laydeez.
Originally a response to this post.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 3 May 2013, 7:10, 7 replies)

I had a breakdown this morning.
Only took the RAC about 15 min. to attend and get me back on the road.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 3 May 2013, 6:50, Reply)

I'm 45 this year...
...but I make sure I have a big fuck-off party at every opportunity with heaps of mates and have a bloody good time. Yeah - we are all getting old - but you've got to OWN it.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Fri 3 May 2013, 5:43, Reply)

Now I've hit my mid(ish) thirties, and am married with a kid,
I am going to take a leap into the unknown. I am going to be moving shortly to a different country - one dependent on its hydro-carbon economy, where the language is impossible for outsiders, where nationalists and loyalists clash daily, where the cuisine consists parts of animals other countries refuse to eat, and where the unemployed youth engage in knife crime and drug abuse.

Yep, I'm moving to Scotland.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 3 May 2013, 5:17, 2 replies)

Can anyone tell me
what a proper midlife crisis consists of?
Men apparently get a red sports car.
What the hell are we ladies supposed to do?
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Fri 3 May 2013, 0:11, 15 replies)

That fading fear of falling
When I was younger, I used to be afraid of falling, but now I welcome the chance. I took up bungee jumping for the thrill and welcome opportunities to clamber onto the roof. I watch videos of wing-suited daredevils with envy. I think I'm getting ready for old age, when I'll fall all the time.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 2 May 2013, 23:35, Reply)

I'm getting a big tattoo of my favourite band
once I'm sure they are safely dead and no stories about them kiddy fiddling will come out. I'm fairly sure they're clean but Who Knoze.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 2 May 2013, 23:16, 3 replies)

I put it to you that qftw is undergoing a sort of midlife crisis,
as it's desperately trying to cling on to the days when it used to be cool and relevant.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 2 May 2013, 23:08, 16 replies)

At 43
I'm seriously considering buying a metal detector to hunt for old coins.

I think that says it all.
( gub~gub feeling great at GMT-8, Thu 2 May 2013, 20:30, 5 replies)

I'm buying
all the things I wanted when I was a kid.

A C-64, proper real 1702 monitor, 1541 disk drive like rich people had, and ALL THE FUCKING GAMES :D

Annoyingly, the games are 3 - 4 x the price they used to be!

Only got a few more carts to collect, and I'll have the lot. Then start on the speccys!
(yeswehavenopasties, Thu 2 May 2013, 20:03, 5 replies)

on my 38th birthday i had a massive breakdown and bought a house on the side of a hill
and lived on my own there for four years, grew my hair out, became a hermit
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 2 May 2013, 18:38, Reply)

Fending off a mid-life crisis
When I turned 35, I was having a weird time and spending a lot of time on my own. Just meditating that life hadn’t turned out how I’d expected when I was young. I think it was the birthday that really threw me, for the first time, and made me think ‘What am I doing with my life?’. I want to tell you the story of how I pulled myself out of it.

On one of my long walks, I was out in the forest near home one weekend, I got into a bit of an altercation. Basically, some chav’s big dog had a go at me and I got into an argument with the guy. Not sensible, but I was really angry. He only went to let the fucking dog on me so I sprinted off through the forest! Luckily, an old guy came to my aid and got rid of the dog. I was in a state, and he took me to a pub nearby to recover. I didn’t really feel like it but wasn’t arguing with him.

It was a weird pub I’d never been to before. Loads of layabouts hung around in the street nearby, and then we had to cross a river to get there, which didn’t seem to bode well, but we went in. Old chap was called Virgil. We got chatting and I was actually pretty happy just to be talking to someone who had the time to listen. Got another pint in and he said he wanted me to meet some of his friends in the pub, all of whom were older men like him. The guys in the first room seemed like a nice bunch. A friendly group of guys who asked me lots of questions about what I got up to, my life, and the World outside. It almost shamed me to admit that I wasn’t living much of an exciting life myself and didn’t have much to say.

This was when Virgil said to me that the people I really ought to meet were in the back room. We went through, and it was a totally different world. Nearest the door, there were an old couple getting off with one another, then the next table was a bunch of fat guys eating cheesy chips, then a table of blokes who looked a lot like Estate Agents, and at the back of the room, a few guys who looked like total roughnecks (tattoos and black eyes all round), a few Mormon missionaries, and another table of horrible looking thugs. Weirdest pub I’ve ever been in.

Anyway, we had a chat to all of these groups, one by one, and realised that they were all even more unhappy than me in some ways. Basically, what Virgil pointed out to me was that all of these people were suffering in their lives in ways which reflected paths they themselves had chosen in life. Really snapped me out of it and set me back on the straight and narrow.

Weirdest thing about the whole experience was that they all kept banging on about 13th Century Florentine Politics….
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 2 May 2013, 18:32, 5 replies)

Adrenaline Is The Elixir Of Youth
Motorcycle racing has become my thing. Costs a fucking bomb, but jesus it's fun. And always fun beating guys who are 10+ years younger than you. Added bonus is that you want to get fit to go faster.

Falling off isn't so much fun, though
(Pleiades, Thu 2 May 2013, 17:57, 1 reply)

I was having a difficult delivery but
fortunately one of my siblings is a doctor.
I instructed the nurse to summon her thus,
"Midwife cry sis!"
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 2 May 2013, 17:51, 2 replies)

Not even symptoms of it yet.
Im 31 like so I don't expect it.

don't go out on weekend drink binges much anymore. Actually prefer it as hangovers are horrendous these days.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 2 May 2013, 17:29, Reply)

I just started parting my hair on the opposite side,
it really has made all the difference.
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Thu 2 May 2013, 16:51, 2 replies)

So are we in for a week of "I'm middle aged but I have a ridiculous car and still fancy teenagers" because that's what it's shaping up to be.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 2 May 2013, 16:42, 18 replies)

Bought a cabriolet?
What you think you look like....


What you actually look like.....

(dave likes cheese, Thu 2 May 2013, 16:25, 5 replies)

I had a breakdown when I was twenty one.
I really hope it wasn't a mid life crisis.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 2 May 2013, 16:24, Reply)

I've been through a few milestones
with nothing except a nod to the fact that I wouldn't give up my current advantages and limitations to be a teenager again.

I used to work with a guy that on his 40th persuaded his mother to buy him a florescent green satin Fred Perry jacket. I bit my tongue. It was somebody else that told him it made him look like a clapped out poof.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 2 May 2013, 16:18, 1 reply)

I think one of the measures of approaching middle age is that age gaps start to matter less
I met Sophie Aldred the other day and all I could think was that I definitely still would
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 2 May 2013, 16:12, 6 replies)

Had my midlife crisis at 28
(which is no bad thing, since life expectancy in my family is mid 50s). Anyway, bought a miata, drove it like I stole it. Now I'm 40 I should probably buy another one, although 'er indoors would probably not approve because it only has 2 seats and the kids would not enjoy being in the trunk.

I do enjoy being carded a lot more now. It used to be a pain but now it's just fun to see the look on the clerk's face when they realize you're actually double the required age.
( BamaSS, Thu 2 May 2013, 16:02, 2 replies)

Christ you're all even more tragic than I thought.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 2 May 2013, 15:50, 21 replies)