*Flounce*

I was never in a nativity play when I was little which is why there's no story from me this week.

Then I read CHCB's wonderful script for the B3ta Nativity and the first thing that went through me mind was:

"They have to cast me. I'm a veritable QOTW icon. I've been posting here for over 5 fucking years!"

Guess what? No part for Legless even though I'm probably the most qualified person, ever, to not appear in a nativity play. Consider the evidence.

My father is called Joesph.
My mother is called Mary.
I was named after my father (anyone spot a biblical connection here?)
My username is Legless so I should have been a shoo-in for the inkeepers part.
I'm a country boy and used to work on a farm but do I get the part of a Shepherd? Or even a sheep? Do I fuck as like. It goes to some city cunts who've proably never even *seen* a sheep (never mind caught one and put it in someones tent.)

Bastards. Even fucking Apeloverage got a part and he's a cunt.

So you can stick the usual "cheers" up your arse. I'm off to the pub.....


Edit. My mum and dad really are called Mary and Joseph.


To get...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 6:51, 45 replies)

Oh dear...
...I feel your pain. Of course, chances are you are just having a pretend "flounce" so everything I'm going to type is out of context, but fuck it, I'm typing it anyway.

QOTW has changed somewhat over the past few months. In what I would call "The Popbitch effect" it appears to have mutated from what it was to something else entirely.

Now, I might be a credulous fool, but in the past, "back in the day", there seemed to be a likelihood of many of the stories on here being somehow rooted in fact. Certainly, speaking for myself, I've never made up anything posted on here, and what made the contents of this part of B3ta great - as far as I was concerned - was that they offered the reader a glance into other people's lives. Some of the stories were funny, some touching, some just worthy of a quick glance, and the overall "signal to noise" ratio was quite good. A bit like how Popbitch was back in the days of the (sadly missed) Rev. at the start of this decade.

This year, things seemed to have changed. Whether it's the desire for "front page" status or just to exercise creating writing skills, coupled with admittedly some poor question choices (maybe resultant from the fact that most good questions seemed to have been covered), the contents of QOTW are now less about a glimpse into the lives of others, more instead a "who can deliver the best punchline" competition.

In the past, some stories were fictional. Chickenlady for instance would occasionally use the QOTW to practise her erotic writing, but would warn everyone at the top of her posting that this was the case.

Now, however, it's like a free-for-all in the "made it up as I went along" stakes. The problem (for me) is that I am staring at rows and rows of fictional writing in book form in front of me, and (for me) it was the ring of truth in the contents of the QOTW that made it what it was. If I want pure fiction, I have that covered, thanks all the same.

I'd like to suggest that a new subcategory is added to QOTW for "punchline / fictional entries". That way, those that want to exercise their creative skills (and don't get me wrong, some of the writing is great) can do so in that location.

That way, maybe the signal / noise ratio can get back to where it was. QOTW used to be a must-read for me, I'd have to read every page and I felt guaranteed of a few moments of interest on every page.

Now...that's not the case; the odour of bullshit permeates far too much of it.

For those of you who want to comment that "complaining" about a free site is somehow out of line - well, I am entitled to my opinion. I'm not flouncing, moving out of here, asking for my financial contribution back, or any of that malarkey. Just stating what appears to me to be the case. I don't think I'm alone on this either, which is why many stalwarts of QOTW who were posting regularly seemed to have decamped to Off Topic or disappeared for good.

And Legless, sorry to hijack your original thread.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 7:30, closed)

this ^^
With bells on.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:14, closed)

No Worries...
And I agree with much of what you say. My tales, contrary to popular belief, were always rooted in truth even if they were sometimes slightly embellished.

These days QOTW looks like an amateur writing club but even so there's still some great stuff written - it's just not all my cup of tea.

Still. I can't complain. I've had a good run on here and all things, even QOTW, change and move on. The new crowd seem to be enjoying themselves and, at the end of the day, that's what this is all about.

I'll still read QOTW and I'll still contribute the odd story but I think the days when I'd have QOTW almost permanently open are done.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:18, closed)

Crying shame really
Personally I tend to alternate between /talk, offtopic and here. But I find myself reading older stories with increasing frequency. Still, cheers for the giggle and reminding me of your sheep story. I remember crying with laughter the first time I read that.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:45, closed)

I'm personally getting to the point...
Where I read the best-of pages to old QOTW to the point where I've read the best ones multiple times.

End of days?

(and yeah, maybe I personally contributed to the downfall by not posting as much as I could have...but come on? My mum was too lazy to sew my angel costume and thus I just had a sheet with a headhole, and the whole thing blew up over my head on the jungle gym afterwards. But that's not worth posting. I'm pretty ashamed to even include it in this reply as an example in point).
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:24, closed)

Very well put
and it's something I'd kind of lost sight of. I don't tend to post much in the way of stories anyway, but I still read pretty much every entry, and it is and was good to get a glimpse into other people's lives.

Maybe some kind of "This is made up" button might be good, but only if people would use it...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:33, closed)

I actually agree with much of this:
and to hammer it home a bit for you - there is a place where people can piut fictional/punchline/off topic entries. It's the Off-Topic board, and it's just a click or two away.

That's what it was put there for, though we seem to have lost sight of that a little bit.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:31, closed)

^absolutely this^
I thought it was just me, but I find myself reading everything from the regulars with a pinch of salt.
(bobming, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:18, closed)

You said everything I wanted to say
only much more eloquently. Nice one.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:52, closed)

Epic flounce, Legless
Seems as though the QOTW mafia has set up camp for all to see now. I feel your pain, dear chap. I didn't even pass the auditions.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 7:35, closed)

Yeah
We're now the has-beens......


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:20, closed)

There weren't any auditions.
£5 in unmarked pound coins and a quick grope behind the /links board secures anyone a place.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:26, closed)

Damn
If only I'd known. £5 to grope CHCB? Bargain! Heres £20 in 2p coins- what do I get for that (apart from a hernia)?
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:39, closed)

Jokes aside, you'd be surprised
£20 in 2p coins isn't that heavy.

I just (last week) managed to fish a full £280 from around the floor and shelves of my flat. In coins (and one fiver). About £19 of which was in 2p coins. £~8 in 1p coins.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:53, closed)

The problem is.............
That even when the stories are true, some people think you're lying. I mean, how could anyone have had an interesting life and experienced things that some people will never even dream about?
( girlinthehole, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:41, closed)

Yeah
I mean in my case, who the hell would get mugged by a sheep for his banana?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:46, closed)

Heh...
There's gotta be a punchline for that - fecked if I can think of one though...
( snee held his breath since, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:03, closed)

I noticed you were missing...

And it made me think about just how fickle us 'Qotw'ers are. You used to be prolific, and are a legend in my eyes (the one I was always 'out to impress' when I started out). then simply by slowing your posting rate down a bit...and it's suddenly like everybody forgets you ever existed.

and that.sucks.ass.

I didn't forget you. I was actually in the middle of writing a 'final act' post, where you appeared...dressed as the 'true messiah' (Super Shearer wearing a manager's sheepskin coat)...and had to grumpily and begrudgingly take over narration duties, explaining it was because CHCB had nipped off for a cheeky foursome with the three wise men...and Spanky's massive black dildo...

But I won't bother now.

I was holding it back (fnarr) for fear of falling down the slippery slope of offending people by ommitting them. Nobody cares if yuo call them a cunt round here, but people really mind when you don't mention them at all.

...


As for the truth / creative writing thing. I've never made any secret about how I post. I have always maintained that my posts are either:

1. Firmly based in truth - but embellished (obviously - my turds are not really the size of a slimy brown oil tanker.)

2. A total pile of 'out-there' bollocks that has been brought about by lack of genuine inspiration / real-life relevance...or just a shite QotW (i.e the last couple of weeks)

3. A godawful pun / shit joke - and I apologise for each and every one.

I would like to think that people can tell the difference with what I write. But as people say, you can spot my efforts a mile off (mostly because they're a mile long) so it's easy to avoid if so desired.

In line with what Mordred says - I have found my 'truth' stories are better received than the bullshit by a ratio of about 4:1...and that makes me feel better about the readership.

But please...for the time being at least, cut the likes of Spanky and I some slack - we haven't had too much to work with lately.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 8:48, closed)

I also noticed you were missing
and would like to add that I'm fairly darn sure that it was one of *your* posts that made me sign up to b3ta.

My stories are either just that, stories, or real truth. The Shameful Penis one for example. I found it incredibly hard to write. There was a lot of emotion pent up, even though it was just a few short lines. I know it confused the fuck out of people on /talk but I didn't care. It needed to be said and QOTW just happened to provide an opportunity to say it.

I think you'd be surprised how many people are missing your stories Legless, cos I know I look forward to reading them. You're honest and have a way with words that not many people have.

I read pooflake and spanky's stories mainly for amusement, because generally they're funny and gross in ways I don't see much elsewhere.

Hang in there. You are loved. Don't fret.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:07, closed)

Dear Pooflake
Don't take it personally. You and Spanky are trying your best with poor material to work from - this much I know.

But for me it's an "embarrassment of riches" scenario. Back In The Day, if you look at past front page material, it was a good ratio of truth to fable. That ratio has now tipped. I think that's a Bad Thing, as real life - as QOTW in the past has proved - can be better than fiction.

The "emotional response" to a real life story is going to be more complex than it is to something that's made-up, which (for me) provides a one-dimensional emotional response.

It's the difference between listening to a story which takes you through a range of responses, to hearing a gag which is redeemed only by its punchline. And don't get me wrong, the punchlines you and Spanky deliver, are great ones.

But it's still only one emotional response, rather than many. Which makes QOTW less of a "must read" and more of a "skim through". Which is a shame.

Maybe (please God) a run of better questions will bring back the status quo. Here's hoping.

But don't take what I've read as a criticism of what you (or Spanky) are writing for our entertainment.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:11, closed)

I completely understand...

The top three stories on my profile are 'truthies' - but as you rightly pointed out, I'm here to relieve my own personal work boredom in the hope of entertaining you lovely folk.

I see writing styles evolving all the time around me...to paraphrase what BGB said above: In an arena where it has become increasingly difficult to shock, 'real-life' experiences seem tame in comparison...and the bar is raising all the time.

and I feel this is where our problem lies. I enjoy going overboard with descriptions, observations and comparatives to embellish what could potentially be only a midly funny story otherwise.

Unfortunately however, as mentioned, this site exercises free will, and you can't argue with the demographic. The masses are choosing whatever the hell they like by way of clicks and replies, and there's cock-diddly all we can do about it.

I love the 'thought provoking' efforts & the 'triumph over adversity' posts (Tourettes brilliant one of a few months back leaps to mind)...

But I've got enough problems 'back in the world' - what I enjoy most of all is a fucking good laugh.

It takes all sorts to make a b3ta.

*starts singing 'we are the world'*

And as a personal note, I am loving the ultra talented newbies that have appeared lately - maintaining a consistent high standard and keeping us 'old hands' on our toes, forcing me to up my game and keeping me laughing inbetween my own efforts.

Keep 'em coming!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:36, closed)

I KNEW this would happen.
Legless, you're God. There ain't a bigger role than that.

Besides, there was only about 4 people in my script to begin with and then everyone started the "oh! ME! Me! Pick me! Oh me!", the little fuckers. I did what any good teacher would do - allowed for infinite patience and infinite sheep. The only reason people got named in the first place was so that I could poke fun at their posting style.


p.s. I never make any of my QOTW stories up except for these nativity scripts and the one about my prize fighting whelk called Rocky (when, in truth, his real name is Geoffrey). I really am a bitter, well-travelled superslut.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:10, closed)

It's a slippery slope...A SLIPPERY SLOPE I TELLS YE!...

I mean, for the love of asbestos-coated fuck, did you see Spanky's 'carry on' effort?

It started by being a few paragraphs, having a playful dig at a handful of regulars (a la CHCB's Nativity post)..and it ended up being massive, mentioning almost all 60,000 B3ta subscribers, their families and pets.

With every edit I could almost hear Spanky sighing "Oh, for fucks sake, WHO NEXT?"

before sloping off to insert a DVD of Ghostbusters 2 up his barking spider
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:56, closed)

:)
*hugs*

I think you might have a talent as a script writer. The B3ta play was wonderfully done...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:25, closed)

Hello, my names Porkylips and I’m an addict.
I’ve been a user now for 1 year 8 months and 29 days. At first it was just the sniggering fun of Buffy’s Sweary Keyboard via Rathergood. Then I noticed the main board, so many amusing (and some very talented) entries. They kept me distracted for minutes as I scrolled through history like a newborn sucking at the teat of humour. Then I noticed Talk. Not really to my taste so I moved on sharpish. To Links, the nearest B3ta gets to a public service (and there’s nowt like a public service to get the blood rushing). Helped kill many a quiet moment. You will notice the orderly progression along the top line and are probably way ahead of me. Good. Join the vast bulk of the human race. They are way ahead of me too. But I don’t care because I found a new home. A home for bitter, twisted, sick, cynical, sweet, caring and overall humane people (I don’t care, I like you).

QOTW isn’t earth shatteringly life enhancing, it is a wonderfully varied and often thought-provoking place. It has changed even in the short time I’ve been a member. And here is the kicker – I don’t care. I still enjoy this place and I don’t want help, I’m happy in my delusional state. I know QOTW isn’t a real place but I’m happy with my delusion.

My names Porkylips and I’m a happy addict.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:42, closed)

Joins Porkylips self-help group.
*stands up*

2 years 4 months and 1 day. Something that feels this good can't be wrong. Can it?
( girlinthehole, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:45, closed)

In my jaded experience of life
everything that feels good is wrong - either illegal, immoral, fattening or Just Plain Wrong.

So, yes, time on QOTW should be spent looking for work, doing work, or learning a foreign language / doing the ironing / helping the sick and poor.

Shame I'm such a lazy tosser that it's better than the alternatives of staring into space / wanking / playing computer games / angsting.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:49, closed)

Or, indeed,
all four at once.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 12:05, closed)

You've
been on my watch list for a while. By they I mean I always keep an eye for your posts - they're generally worth reading...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:26, closed)

Agrees!
:)
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:30, closed)

Oh AWESOME!
This post prompted me to check my own length of service...

It's my third B3ta-day!!!

(shoves cake down face-hole).
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:31, closed)

Nice flounce.
To be fair though, the times, they are a-changin'.
Yeah, you've got a lot of good stories, but most of 'em were posted a while ago.

That could be down to the questions not being right for you, fair enough, it could not be.

I think there's been far too much moaning of late.
"Oh the questions have been rubbish"
Great... The only thing more boring than a rubbish answer is a post moaning about crap and not actually enriching the QOTW in any way.

Anyway, this ramble is getting unfocused now.
( Cawl, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:53, closed)

Oh,
And as for people going on about made-up stories, so what?
The best stories are, and always will be the true ones.

I've posted a few (obviously) made up ones, and a lot more true ones.
At the end of the day, as long as it's well-written and interesting/amusing, that's all we need.
( Cawl, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 9:55, closed)

^^This...

And to re-iterate my point, we can't dictate to people about what they choose to like.

I mean, I did a one-line post slagging off B3ta's ignoring of QotW suggestions, and it went and won!

You're all fucking mad, I reckon.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:06, closed)

Thing is,
At the end of the day, this is a free website.
We've not really got any right to complain about how it's run.

Although... KAOL FOR QOTW MOD 2009!
( Cawl, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:09, closed)

^This
Last word.
( girlinthehole, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:11, closed)

Mass Reply
Well bugger me....

My flounce was written with my tongue firmly in my cheek but now I actually feel a bit emotional with all the messages of support. Thank you.

QOTW has been a huge part of my life for the last 5 years - I actually met Mrs Legless and moved to Australia thanks to this stupid message board. Almost all of my "on-line" friends I've met through QOTW and I can't thank B3ta enough for that.

Having been here so long I've had the pleasure of watching so many great writers make their first posts and then watched their style grow and mature. There's probably over 20 people here who's writing I recognise as soon as I start reading - I don't need to look at the posters name.

Mu own posts have fallen off recently partly because of some rubbish questions but mainly because of work commitments - I'm involved in setting up yet another take-over-the-world business and that takes up almost all of my time. Put it this way - I haven't even been to the pub this year. That's how busy I am. (And that's going to change. I need a night out soon or I'll go mad....)


But I really did love the Nativity play scripts. And if this new business of mine ever makes any money I'll fly over to England, gather up the guilty and pay to have that play put on.


So I might not be as prolific as I was once but I'll still be writing the odd tale when I get the chance. And Kaol has a point - a lot of my best stories have already been told. But I've still a few corkers saved up for the right QOTW.

And finally - I'll be orginising a Melbourne Bash at the end of May - I'll post the dates on the calendar when I know what night off the missus can take. I'm thinking of having it in Chopper Reeds bar. Me, some pissed-up B3tans and Chopper Reed - what could possibly go wrong?


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:19, closed)

Ahem!
*waits for Althegeordie to turn up and tell us to stop being nice to each other in case we piss off his new friends on /talk*
( girlinthehole, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:42, closed)

Reply to Mass Reply
Just wanted to say I'm among the many I'm sure, who stepped over the line and signed up as a result of laughing my way through your posts. It is a shame you don't post as much any more, and I'll still keep an eye out for them, because I agree wholeheartedly with I Was Modred's sentiments and feel your posting style exemplified that ethos.

So fanks from a Newb.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 10:49, closed)

Oh yeah...
When are we having that beer? Or have you moved on from Melbourne already?


***ah dammit. Your post reminded me and I didn't read all of it before replying.

My RL b-day is the 20th of May- it's a Wednesday but I'm soooo up for meetin Legless on the weekend!
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:32, closed)

Once
I've sorted the date and venue out I'll Gaz you. Then we'll have to bully the Melbourne b3tans to come out for a drink.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 12:19, closed)

I have to say Legless
My being here is all your fault, you bastard!

*Ahem*

The last few QOTWs haven't really done it for me, so my posting rate has gone down somewhat as I don't have any real stories. I've also not spent as much time on here as I used to, as other stuff keeps getting in the way - like work, which is manically busy just now. But I have noticed an increase in the obviously not real category of tales. Which I don't mind, as long as it's funny, but to me it is symptomatic of increasingly desperate questions which seem to completely ignore the 100+ pages of suggestions.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 2 Apr 2009, 12:37, closed)

I would also like to chime in as one of the people who was drawn to b3ta by your amusing anecdotes
But it was actually "Hey-hey, 16k". Sorry.

Do like the stories though
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 15:24, closed)

...
It does get me pissed-off when I read a really good answer and it doesn't get on the "best" page but, a story thats obviously a load of bollocks made up to try and impress everyone gets up there.

I've never lied on a QOTW, even my one about shit-artexing an ex-boss' office.
I'd rather read true stories or REALY well written bollocks ones, not the shock-to-impress stuff.

Legless, to me you're the bestest of the bestest with a Flake and sprinkles on.

Looking forward to your future stories.
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 15:46, closed)

Legless...
You, and all the other regulars on here, have kept me entertained for over 2 years now (can't be bothered to work out years/months/days/seconds...)

When I go for a smoke, to the loo, waiting for someone, out comes the cellphone with QOTW on the top of my favourites list...

You have an international following (I'm from ZA) and that is something not many people can brag about! Crap questions or not, I and millions of others appreciate and enjoy your work every week!
(Rumbling Bear rumbled on, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 19:46, closed)