I think
I should turn my auto spell checker on at work.

I just sent someone an email saying 'retards' instead of 'regards'. Woops!

*awaits repercussions*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 13:09, 25 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Tonight's Bash
Hmmmm, the other half is going to see Morrisey tonight so I'm at a loose end. Can I be arsed to get a train to London to meet a bunch of weirdo strangers?
( djtrialprice, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 12:28, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ironic names in connection with jobs
I have a colleague, who for a while was trying to get pregnant without success. So her and her hubby decided to get a few tests done.

Hubby obviously has to give a sample of man fat to test for tadpoles.

The name of his doctor? What else could it be but Dr Cummings?

100% true.

She's now on maternity leave
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 4 Jul 2008, 12:07, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Desperation
This morning I received a letter that began like this:

"Dear Sir/Madam

What you can smell is a hint of sandalwood, with a few floral notes mixed in to produce a scent that's warm and relaxing. The overall effect gives one a sense of well-being. All's right with the world. No worries. Tra-la."

Now, who do you suppose sent it?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 11:29, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How good is your English?
Try this quiz to find out...

No, I'm not telling you what I scored.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 4 Jul 2008, 11:15, 71 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

mystery
perhaps for k2k6 or rakky...

why is it that, if i freeze a bottle of evian so it's nice and cold, it overflows the bottle when it defrosts?

i understand that ice takes up more room than liquid water. fine.

but when it melts again, how can there be more liquid than there was in the first place? how?? do the ice particles breed or something???
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 10:07, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hey!


We decided that, if someone posts this lovely little sign every morning, this could be the one thread that we all know to come to (even though we're likely to be posting on others too).

Good idea? Makes it easier for people who can't come here until later to see what's been going on.

BTW, 'ning all!
( thealternativefact, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 9:26, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hi Folks


As it's Friday, and we've had a tough week - and I admit it: I've been a bit tough on you all, I stopped off at the cake shop on the way in, so help yourselves, there's plenty for everyone, but don't take the Custard Slice - that's mine.

Oh, and put the kettle on someone.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 8:45, 121 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hopefully to get yourses weekendses off to a lully start
I recommend that everybody has a listen to "Friend of ours" by Elbow (last track on The Seldom Seen Kid). It is so utterly gorgeous your lips will tremble and you will sit down and feel very calm and stuff like that.

Enjoy.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 4 Jul 2008, 8:13, 5 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

Tonight's snogging thread
Form a line here


( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 22:19, 100 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Interview with a Psychic
First of all, I'd like to offer up a prayer of thanks to the Gods of B3ta - this off topic board is the greatest idea this website has ever had.

Che's writing challenge - a 500 word short story based on the week's QOTW - is a brilliant idea. I thought I'd take up the gauntlet.

Here's my story:

********************************************

I have something to tell you. You probably won't believe me - no-one ever does, but I had to tell someone.

I have a terrible affliction. Some people may call it a 'gift,' but I think of it as a disease. It has made my life unimaginably worse off - it's a curse, a millstone I have to wear around my neck every single day.

I can hear people's thoughts. I'm psychic. See, I knew you wouldn't believe me. Alright then, think of a number. 7. Think of a colour. Blue. Think of your happiest childhood memory. It was when you were 6, and you got that puppy you had always wanted.

I've told you how I know - I'm psychic. I wish I wasn't, but I am.

What do you mean, that would be amazing? Do you really want to hear the thoughts of everyone around you? Every single person? Hear what they're planning to have for dinner, the petty things that annoy them, all their fears and insecurities? You can't turn it off. You hear every thought that runs through their minds. Sometimes, when I'm walking through a large crowd, I don't even know which thoughts are mine.

Can you imagine it - knowing exactly what everyone thinks of you? Knowing if they're lying when they say you look nice? Knowing when they're only laughing at your jokes out of politeness? Knowing when they think you look rough, or ugly? Knowing when they're being fake, or dishonest, or only pretending to be interested in you? Do you have any idea how selfish most people are? How boring they are?

I have to constantly fight against temptation to use my 'powers' to do wrong. Some days, it seems like it would be easier to just give in, and become a criminal. I could walk into a bank and overhear someone's bank details, how much is in their account, their PIN codes and passwords. I know when someone's going away on holiday, where they live and whether they have a dog or a burglar alarm. It would be the easiest thing in the world to become a professional thief, housebreaker or conman. If I was ever caught, I would know exactly what evidence the police had on me, and what to say to get away with it. I can't do it, however - it would go against everything I stand for. I couldn't live with myself. So I don't give in to the dark thoughts. I struggle with them every single day, but I don't give in.

It's hard - some days, I think it would be easier just to end it all, take a gun and blow all the thoughts out of my head forever. And then I wonder if those are really my thoughts, or those of a passing stranger who is suicidal. It's getting harder and harder to tell...

********************************************

It's 486 words long. I wrote it in half an hour in one continous sitting, so it's probably a bit rough, but I posted it in the hopes of getting some feedback. Feel free to be brutally honest.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 18:52, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am convinced that the new Mr Kipling advert
was made specifically for happylittletulip.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 18:18, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

how about...
shoot, shag, marry b3tans??

by which i mean, which b3tan would you shoot, who would you shag, who would you marry...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 17:01, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Last minute whoring of a mini-event:
OI!

If you're in to QOTW, and are in or around the London area, you should sign up to this because it's going to be fun.

It is in a pub where they serve beer.

Be there, or be an oblong.

/message ends.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:48, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tales of the Unexplained – in (about) 500 words.
Before I begin... are you sitting comfortably? Good.

Allow me to explain that I'm very hungover, very tired and have been writing this all day in between the distractions of an open plan office.

This is really far more macabre and fantasy-ey than I would normally write, but I filled up on rum last night and didn't clamber into my pit until about 4 this morning, so I think my brain is broken a bit. Anyway, enough excuses, please try to enjoy...

(have posted story in a reply, like the betighted devil done...)

EDIT: forgot to say, I did intend to put a twist (humorous or otherwise) at the end, but my messy mind didn't allow me to come up with anything good... all suggestions welcome.

EDIT (again): ending added. Not great, but as good as it'll get today...
( Moey, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:43, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A poem
Aimed at First Buses in Leeds after we nearly had an accident this morning on a roundabout when we had right of way. The driver was a bit rude:

As we were on our morning drive
A bus appeared before our eyes
In the spot that we'd intended
The driver, middle finger extended
We narrowly avoided a shunt
We hope you'll chastise this useless fool.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:42, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What makes Irish football punditry the best in the world?
These lads:

Souness - "Croatia were a little bit tippy tappy for me".

Gilesy on Ronaldo - “Marilyn Monroe was the greatest star in the world but she was never known as a great actor. Ronaldo is like that.”

Bill - ""Those two defenders are known as the twin towers. And they were destroyed there"

Bill - "what do you think of Group B gentlemen?" (the group with Germany, Austria, Poland and Croatia) Souness - "Looks a bit like World War II, Bill".


Dunphy - "Real Madrid are offering ronaldo €250,000 a week after tax, he has a model girlfriend, he's 23, he's good looking, I hate him"

Dunphy again - "Sergio Ramos is a headbanger, he's like Paul McShane on steroids".

Jimmy Magee - "and the ball is passed wide to Ricardo Ronaldo"... Mark Kinsella too polite to correct him, then a min later Jimmy realises...'I've just promoted the Portuguese goalkeeper to the wing'.

Jimmy Magee again: "This must be the most attacks by an Italian team in an international match in the first 16 minutes than anyone can remember"

Mark Kinsella after 15 minutes of the match between Austria & Germany..............

"I see what the Austrians are tryin to do here, they are tryin to stop the Germans playing football"

Mark Kinsella after lahm had been fouled (which resulted in ballacks stunning freekick)..........."he really needed to make that tackle........doesnt matter bout the free kick lahm was on a good run".............ballack riffles one home.........."ya see needless freekicks cost ya


Jimmy again: "klasnic has scored for poland, they lead one nil" then it shows the replay and he realise it was a goal against poland and he says "
of course that was Klasnic of croatia who got the goal"


Bill: - "Just one interesting point. Italy have now qualified for the quarter final with 4 points ,when last time they failed to qualify with 5 points....whatever that means........i actually don't know" ..... que laughter from Gilesy and Brady


With some classic back and forth from the panel

Souness - "I agree with Liam......"
Dunphy - "Its Eamon"
Souness - "Sorry, whats your name....haha....good job Liams not here"

Dunphy - "Holland look good but they haven’t played a proper team yet"
Brady - "They beat Italy 3-0 and France 4-1, two WC finalists. what do you mean a proper team?"
Dunphy - "Sweden"

Brady: “The games at five o’clock have been inferior.”
Billo: “For what reason?”
Brady: “Well, I think it is cooler at night, Bill.”
Billo: “Hold on, we’re only talking 23 degrees. That’s what it was like in Dublin today.”
Brady: “Still hot. Still hot. I was playing golf today. I found it hot.”
Billo: “Did you shoot a good score Liam?”
Brady: “No, not really.”
Billo: “And were you as indolent as they (Romania and France) were?”
Gilesy: “You try playing golf at night Bill.”



And best of the tournament……


Souness unimpressed with Thierry Henry’s bravery for the Italian second
goal:

“He’s got his hands down protecting his downstairs area and sticks his foot out like a nancy”

Eamo: “If you don’t mind me saying Graeme, the shot was a bit low to have affected his downstairs area.”

Cue Gilesy mumbling: “You don’t know with these lads, Eamon.”
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:25, 4 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

Where are you?
Not in the world, but literally? I'm currently sat at my desk debating whether to go to the loo to continue my b3ta browsing as b3ta is blocked....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:01, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I can't believe I'm about to do this, but...
My short story. In 1,965 words.

I'm sorry I broke the rules. I'll put it in a reply so it doesn't break the board.

I hope you enjoy it.

EDIT: Feedback will be greatly accepted. I think my sentences are a bit stilted sometimes. It was a stream of consciousness, and I've never tried to write a spooky tale before. I'm not sure about it.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 14:04, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I think I might stay here this week.
*crawls under her desk whimpering about ghosts and black eyed freaky children*

Is it can be fluffeh tiem now plees?
( Maladicta, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 14:04, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My Biggest Disappointment - in 500 words
“Hey buddy, how’s it goin’?”

“What? Oh, hi Tom, yeah, OK I suppose.”

“You suppose! Well sounds to me like you need a beer, am I right or am I right?”

“No, a beer is NOT what I need right now, but, I suppose it’ll have to do.”

“Great! I know a great bar not far from here, jump in.”

* * * * *

They pulled up at a bar on Sunset Boulevard, where a young white man opened the door of the car with a smile and taking the keys from Tom, opened the door of the bar and wished them a ‘great time’.

The music was almost too loud and as it sounded like something from ‘Hotel California’, Hugh’s mood didn’t lift. He looked around, the place was still fairly empty - Tom told him to find a seat and headed for the bar.

“What the fuck am I doing here?” Hugh wondered, “I hate this bloke and this bar looks like ‘the pits’.” but then he thought of his hotel suite and forced a smile as Tom neared the table with a jug of beer, a couple of glasses and what looked like a couple of shot glasses too.

“Right! Here ya go buddy, sorry it’s not warm!” Tom poured two frothing glasses, clinked his against Hugh’s and downed half the contents in two deep swallows. Hugh took a sip, it was surprisingly good actually, he took a proper swallow and put his glass down.

“OK, bud, now down this and tell me all about it.” Tom handed him the shot glass, waited until Hugh was ready, then winked and threw it into his mouth. “There you go.”

Hugh knew it was probably the wrong thing to do as he was tipping the glass into his mouth, but the little devil sitting on his left shoulder scooted round to the back of his head, yanked back on his thick hair and suddenly, the shot was in his stomach and making friends with the beer - who seemed to be the only other occupant. The little angel on the right shoulder was trying to whisper in his ear that he’d skipped lunch, remember? and maybe he should take it easy? ‘Fuck you!’ the little devil said, appearing from behind his neck, ‘let’s have some fun’.

“So, what’s the problem?” Tom said. He re-filled the beer glasses, then sat back in his seat. Hugh leaned in and rested his elbows on the table.

“What can I say?" he shrugged, spread his hands wide and pulled a sheepish, adorable grin, "Everything's fucking perfect. I'm rich, famous, good looking, talented, and I have a girlfriend that most men would cut off their right arm for the chance to sleep with her. What could possibly be wrong?"

"Errr, she doesn’t give head?”

“Close, but no cigar, as Bill Clinton might say. She tries, but she’s really shit, all teeth and no technique.”

“Hmmm, I may be able to help you there…”
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 12:15, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I read something last night
That made me shake my head.

Linky: www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=199398&in_page_id=34

I mean, good grief. Are we going to remove all copies the Three Little Pigs from libraries and bookshops because it might offend the Jewish community?

Gah!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 3 Jul 2008, 10:34, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Congrats to Al for being top poster
But very special mention to DiT for getting two stories in best of. Also to Spakkaman for his tale of nothing.

That doesn't sound quite right, but I'm sure he knows what I mean
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 10:25, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh right...

I open my heart and they close the QOTW early for a change...

Wait a minute...

Last! - YAY!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 3 Jul 2008, 10:09, 2 replies, latest was 10 months ago)

Morning guys and gals (and all the rest of you too)

In the 'Bugs & Feature Requests' bit, Chickenlady asked if we could have a new writing thread of our own, to put up bits of stories and stuff for feedback etc. Well, I think we now have it.

It came to me this morning, while I was putting on my trousers funnily enough, that we could have a weekly short story competition based on the current QOTW. How about something a little challenging like "Write a short story in exactly 500 words with the current QOTW as its title" - that is all. From there, the world is your oyster: historical, sci-fi, erotica, gritty realism, comic, epistolary, magic realism, etc. etc.

How about it? We could give it a shot today while we're waiting for the new QOTW.

Anyway, if I've got time, I'll give it a shot.

p.s. I think they should be done as individual posts - to give room for feedback and also allow clicking. I asked Rob to let us have a favourites each week, but not sure if it is the right thing to do. What do you lot think? I've a feeling that when things settle down a little, we could have some shit-hot posting on this thread.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 9:51, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fingers crossed please
Tonight after work I'll be meeting a lady who is prepared to pay me between £20 and £25 a day to look after her menagerie while she goes on holiday. Works out as an hours work a day - half hour in the morning and half hour in the evening and it takes about 10 minutes to walk there from work.

So if she likes me then I'll earn enough to afford my New York trip in November :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 9:49, 51 replies, latest was 9 years ago)