It was -31C this morning and my car wouldn't start (cheap thing)
I had to get my daughter's boyfriend to give me a jump (my cables were broken too). Now I owe him. I prefer it to be the other way around.

What embarrassing need for help have you had lately?
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 14:52, 131 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Surely if he's putting his penis inside your daughter
there will never be a time when he doesn't owe you. And you should make him aware of that as often as you want.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 14:55, Reply)

He's probably doing her up the arse as well.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 14:57, Reply)

raw

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Actually I heard he was filming it and posting it on youporn

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:00, Reply)

heard he was ing ing
*phew*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:02, Reply)

I knew I could trust all of you to be sensitive and understanding.
She's a saint and lives a pure life. (yeah right)
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)

That just makes it sound as though
he's left it there for safe keeping.
( Kroney, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Why not post a picture of her, preferably a bikini shot on the beach
So that we can judge just how embarrassed you should be.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:03, Reply)

I think he should hide in her wardrobe
and post some intimate photos so we know how upset he ought to be, as a father, knowing that his little girl has a thing for being dominated and spanked.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:04, Reply)

it's probably the other way around

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:05, Reply)

You frequent Gonzish name changes
confuse me.
( Kroney, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

I'm extremely sorry and I would like to take this opportunity to apologise wholeheartedly for any upset of confusion caused.
Just so you know, what I'm doing is taking the title of a well known film, preferably one I like, and then inserting the word "al" into it somewhere so it sounds only a little bit different to how you would normally say it.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Love Alctually

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:11, Reply)

As below, I like this, but again, I'm not going to admit I like this film.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)

you totally just did

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Oooooo, burn.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)

I see that,
however I would like to express my outrage at my life being made slightly more complicated than it needs to be. It was people like you making stuff slightly more complicated than it needed to be that lost us the Empire.
( Kroney, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:11, Reply)

^this
I'm old and get easily confused as it is.
( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)

*pats hand sympathetically*
There there BGB. I'll go and put the kettle on shall I?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)

What?
A week next Wednesday.
( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Putting on the kettle for a cup of the tea
That people like you are responsible for getting chucked into Boston harbour.

Why do you hate Britain, Al?
( Kroney, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Because it's largely full of cunts.
But it does have it's good points. There's Tayyabs. Errrrrr, my house. Errrrrrr, the wife. Errrrrrrrr ... ... some b3tans. Errrrrrr ... ... ...


No I'm out.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)

Four Weddings and a FunerAl?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:11, Reply)

That's good, but I wouldn't admit to liking that film.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:13, Reply)

TerribAl Horse Porn IX

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:14, Reply)

In fairness, yes, it was a fucking shit waste of time and celluloid that seems to be religiously wanked, fawned and gushed over by anybody who, presumably due to some birth defect or severe head trauma, actually believes "romantic comedies" to be funny.
Hmmm...BubbAl Ho-tep?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)

I found Hugh Grant's shorts and sandals combination
to be particularly offensive.
( Kroney, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)

I just find Hugh Grant to be particularly offensive.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:19, Reply)

sadly he is hot these days
it's a shame but he has gotten better with age. would. totally.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

The Albyss

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:51, Reply)

LethAl Weapon

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:57, Reply)

ALien
(3 obviously)
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:02, Reply)

The Adventures of PriscillAl, Queen of the Desert

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Oh, definitely this

(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Easier than that, rig a camera up in her car, and follow her exploits at the local dogging spot
Post that shit up eh..
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:08, Reply)

i was going to say
surely it is usually your daughter to whom he gives a jump?

but i see the animals in this particular zoo have beaten me to it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:06, Reply)

You love being beaten to it like an animal

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:07, Reply)

being beaten to what?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Death.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:09, Reply)

it.



"It"




*waggles eyebrows*


HUGZ4U Bbz!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:10, Reply)

fucking hell
you've gone too far now.

waggly eyebrows AND hugz? i feel sick.

ha my friend saw dr hug last week and texted me to say "he should go out with a corpse except he'd probably hug and bore it back to death". harsh. don't think there will be a date 7.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Any amusing texts or emails from the great Dr you'd care to share with us?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)

no, she hasn't forwarded any for a while
part of me hopes she won't dump him because they are nuggets of pure slushy gold. but most of me hopes she will because i am worried about the 2am angst about why she can't find him attractive.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

And is she on any kind of drugs or medication that might prompt this 2am angst?
It's just, you know, I would have thought it fairly obvious that the reason she can't find him attractive is that he's an odious creep.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)

i think the problem is that he isn't actually - he is just a bit of a gimp
did i tell you about the hymen thing?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Oh..."It must hurt more for her because it breaks the hymen?"
*shudders*
I stand by my "odious creep" remark.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)

I'm surprised she's lasted this long without giving him the elbow.

( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:22, Reply)

you should see the other losers

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

The reasons why I remain resistant to online dating
are many and varied. You have pretty much summed them up here.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:01, Reply)

and me
i have only dipped my toe in the world of online dating a couple of times. it has NEVER been a good thing.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:07, Reply)

Again, I must agree
the last time I signed up to one the only attention I got was from loads of asian and turkish blokes after a visa and one other guy who lived a few miles away and kept sending me increasingly anguished emails when I wouldn't reply (after initially telling him I wasn't interested, I'm not THAT rude)
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)

Racist.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:15, Reply)

-31?
Did you have to wear two t-shirts to work?
( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Nah, wool coat, fleece vest, wool sweater (jumper to you Brits I think) shirt, T-shirt, and a speedo and sandles.

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Sandles?
And for that matter...speedo?
( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)

Don't yu-all speak 'Merican?

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

If I'd not been accompanied by more sober and alert people on Saturday night
I would not have got back to where I was staying. I remember there being a Morrisons and a bus stop - I'm fairly sure I was asleep for the rest of it, even the bits I was walking.
At least I didn't fall over.

Oh, and my car died last week in quite a spectacular fashion - I had to flutter my eyelashes and play the helpless/useless woman card to get people to push me back home again. That was quite embarrassing.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:18, Reply)

"play"?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:20, Reply)

I knew exactly what was wrong with my car
I just had no way of fixing it or driving it back home safely.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:21, Reply)

I suppose the more pressing question is "where?"

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Only a few minutes from my flat fortunately
trying to drive a car that has decided it will suddenly shoot up to 6000 rpm and charge off in to the distance is...interesting, shall we say.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:25, Reply)

Christ, yeah that sounds more than a little unnerving.
So is it time to get it repaired or just write it off completely?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

Oh, I got it fixed, it's fine now
I just no longer have any savings.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

That's a bugger. Insurance wouldn't cover it then?

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

No, my excess is fairly high anyway
and it wasn't worth losing my no claims for.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Ah, fair point
(Funny how they set these schemes up to make you pay more and more money to them and then find loads of tricks to discourage you from taking any money from them, isn't it?)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

Been there, done that, it's actually quite a lot of fun!

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

In the alley behind her office
call reception and ask for "Debbie's Package" then go and wait for her. They'll sort out the rest. Bring cash.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:27, Reply)

You seemed ok when I left
how long were you guys at the pub?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:21, Reply)

I have absolutely no idea

(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:23, Reply)

Long enough for me to wake up at 4am on my bathroom floor,
using a toilet roll as a pillow.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:24, Reply)

Ha ha, a friend once ended up asleep under an underpass
using a kfc family bucket as a pillow.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:25, Reply)

I once woke up in an alleyway,
using a big puddle of my own sick as a pillow.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)

You're all class wooks

(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:29, Reply)

I should wear a monocle and a bow tie.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Nice
I'm happy to say I wasn't as much of a drunken casualty as Clendrix reported you were.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Yet more evidence in favour of my No Food When Drinking policy.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:27, Reply)

But food is important
as a drink-sponge...
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:28, Reply)

No, no, no.
Food slows down booze absorption, leading to me not realising that I can't drink any more a good pint after I should have.

Also, chunks.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I prefer the chunk to the empty retching
that tends to leave all the blood vessels in my eyes leaking their contents everywhere and the back of my throat leaking blood.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:33, Reply)

Eww
I don't normally get that sick even if I have a stomach bug.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)

I prefer just liquid.
The burning-chunk-stuck-in-your-sinus is one of my least favourite sensations.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

The first time I got norovirus
I ended up with a grape skin lodged in that bit that's not quite your nose and not quite your mouth. I concur that it's probably one of the least enjoyable sensations I've had.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

I find that food makes me more inclined to pace myself
leading to fewer instances of catastrophic overindulgence.

Or sometimes I catastrophically overindulge anyway and then try to mop up the excesses with takeaway. As you say. Chunks. Sometimes it works though.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Are you going to Blousies?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Certainly am.
I've (mostly) behaved myself at the bashes I've been to though and I intend to continue in this manner.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)

If the mrs doesnt come, I'm totally spiking your drink.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

Woo!
I shall be the life and soul of the party this time, instead of sitting in the living room watching the TV.
( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Haha, no drinking on friday evening for you then!
I shall come for more than 2 hours this time, and I've even got Aber's recipe for that green mojo stuff.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Hopefully her and her lovely husband can make it.
After a 3 month holiday I'm not sure if they'll be able to.
( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Am I still allowed to come along?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:07, Reply)

I'm sure nobody will mind you turning up
as long as you only dress in shades of grey.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:09, Reply)

How about if I promise to not wear luminous colours this time?
As grey is boring and shit.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Can I express a preference that he doesn't turn up
I don't want to travel all that way only to have to put up with listening to Green Day the whole evening.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:13, Reply)

No, you can't.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:14, Reply)

A while.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:25, Reply)

i got done for speeding last night for the first time ever
personally i think i should be congratulated for MANAGING to get up to a speed that is sufficient to constitute speeding in central london, but anyway. i didn't notice the blues and twos at first, until he pulled up beside me at the next set of traffic lights and made me wind down the window... doom.

he gave me a lecture about how it was a 30mph zone not a 60mph zone (my car is quick off the mark and i was in a hurry to get home but it's not that fucking quick) and said "you'd feel very sorry if a cyclist or pedestrian had got in front of you, wouldn't you?" i was on the a4 in the fast lane, and frankly it would have served the tosser right if they had hurdled the barrier to get in front of me, but needless to say i was very fluttery-eyelashed and penitent and he let me off. phew.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:32, Reply)

Fucks sake
that's so shit. He should have made you get out of your car, given you a stern lecture, a massive fine and then go to a police station to produce all your documents.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

i don't think i was ACTUALLY speeding
i just took off and got up to 40mph very very quickly.

and pfffft, whilst he was doing that, another 15 people would have been raped/stabbed/murdered somewhere. he made the right decision and i didn't even have to suck him off.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:35, Reply)

Yes but 40mph
is still 10mph over the limit...
Not that I want you to get a ticket, obviously, but y'know... be careful eh?
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)

yeah
i am not 100% convinced he was right on that, i was just not dumb enough to argue the point with him. it's a dual carriageway and i'm pretty convinced it was a 40 zone. i will be checking next time!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Were there street lights?
Were there any signs saying "40"? If not it was a 30 zone.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

it's the a4
between earls court and hammersmith. it's definitely a 40mph zone by the time you get to the flyover; i am just not sure where it starts. but it's a massive socking great dual carriageway; i wouldn't zoom off at high speeds on a side street!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Bollocks, you'd be all "I pay my taxes for this" whilst knocking back half a bottle of tequila
and sucking off some city boy while you chase down a single mother crossing at the lights.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

hmmm
is she a minority and disabled? i'm not dirtying my car for nothing.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)

I don't care about rapists, stabbers or murderers.
They've never impacted my life, but people who drive to quickly in built up areas really piss me off. Especially the cunts on motorbikes who go up and down my road.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)

You've just reminded me.
There's been a copper with a hand held speed gun on my stretch of road a couple of times this week. I'd better be careful.
( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:34, Reply)

So when you say you got done for speeding.
You mean you were stopped, but not done?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)

yes
sometimes it is good to be a girl
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Someone complimented me on my driving the other day.
They'd left a note in a yellow bag and stuck to the window that read, 'parking fine'.

So that was nice.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

Hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

I needed help piecing most of my Saturday night together,
I think I have most of it, now, apart from the 'all back to mine' bit which is pretty much totally missing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:37, Reply)

You got your boogie on
it looked like you were having an ace time.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Was it like a glimpse into the workings of the mind of Monty?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:42, Reply)

I fear it was more like 'at home with Father Jack'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)

I'm not entirely sure his mind was working at all by that point
good tunes though.
(berk, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:46, Reply)

I remember leaving the pub at about 11:30 I think. Nice to [re]meet all you folks.
The beer scooter got me directly to Liverpool Street without a single wrong turn, and I must have got just about the last tubes back. First thing I recall is how difficult my jeans were being in regard to the whole getting undressed malarkey. I suspect I may have had words with them.

It's just as well I took off when I did. Reconstructing my intake based upon initial versus final funds would lead me to believe that as well as getting a couple of rounds in, plus consuming numerous other drinks bought for me by upstanding b3tan citizens, I must have shoe-horned in a few cheeky double G&Ts on top, as if I wasn't already getting quite nicely cooked ...
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

I do hope the whole getting undressed malarkey only took place once you were ensconced in your home
I'm fairly sure you were clothed when I said goodbye to you...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:48, Reply)

I bet it wasn't as exciting as the three night busses I had to get
Although there was a lack of crazy people on them :(
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Wooo I might be being made redundant.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:38, Reply)

HugZ4U Bbz
That sounds a bit shit. When will you find out for sure?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:40, Reply)

30 day consultation starting on monday
but meh, I can justify myself more than most.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:41, Reply)

b3ta should help with that

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:43, Reply)

Hey I do all the performance reporting
so suprisingly I'm performing really well.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:44, Reply)

this made me laugh a lot
which is pretty much unique today, given my mood. well done, 9.5/10.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 15:45, Reply)

*taps screen*
Hello?

Is this thing on?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:36, Reply)

New thread time?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:41, Reply)

I think Jeff killed /OT

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Don't fucking blame me.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:44, Reply)

You were the last one to post here before Monty.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 16:44, Reply)