I sent my brother my Rentaghost porn, and he has replied:
'Harold Meaker tossed and turned in his sleep, it was almost as though there was someone else in the room, nay, within the very Meaker bed itself,...a strange ghostly presence...the like of which he had not sensed since his Fukushima curry two weeks previously had re-manifested itself at the foot of the bed, clad only in a spectral white sheet and the scent of the grave...Mr Davenport, he had thought at the time, you go too far sir! but 'too far' was only just an entree for Claypole's current ghostly antics, as he eagerly vaulted his way into Ethel's cobweb strewn alleyway, she dressed in her virginal nylon nightgown, and he with his strangely glowing protrusion jutting forth into her dank rotten fold...Ethel grunted her delight..Claypole sensed he could go for the double, and rolled Harold over...shooting him swiftly in the eye in a Bayeaux Travesty of normal love...Meaker grunted his dismay...'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:30, 92 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I never watched Rent a Ghost,
needs more relavence for generation X
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Is that a kiss, Chompy?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:36, Reply)

why, did you WANT herpes?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:37, Reply)

I wanted the correct spelling of 'relevance', but hey ho.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:38, Reply)

you were barking in the wrong forest there then

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:44, Reply)

Sorry have I scared you off?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Quite the opposite, dear boy.
*pats seat next to him and leers*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:38, Reply)

I think we should make this picture into a meme
www.abledata.com/product_images/images/010440.jpg
(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:41, Reply)

If anyone can do this, I think we can.
HEADWAND!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:42, Reply)

Bookmarked for the next time bobby posts.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:43, Reply)

It's a DOBBER, you oaf.
HEAD DOBBER.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:57, Reply)

THANK YOU!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:57, Reply)

looks like Swipey

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:42, Reply)

skanky baggy brown trousers?
i'm not from fucking devon!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:44, Reply)

people only wear wetsuits in Devon
god, you don't know anything
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:51, Reply)

You aren't generation X, chompy. You're too young.
Generation X are pretty much my age. You might sneak in Generation Y if they aren't guarding the fire escape that well.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:53, Reply)

He sneaks into Generation Y at least once a weekend.
"Fire escape" isn't a particularly pleasant euphemism though.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:58, Reply)

"fire doors" are "back doors" on someone that's seen too much anal.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:07, Reply)

You said "fire escape" though.
I was picturing one of those American ones where the ladder folds down to street level and assumed you meant something to do with a prolapse.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:14, Reply)

pink sock.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:15, Reply)

hahahahahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:35, Reply)

randomly, given the post below
i've just been instructed to get rid of 35 squatters.

when is this new law coming in again?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:37, Reply)

If you click on the link.
You'll be able to read the story. The story gives you information on this proposed law change.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Miaaow, Jeffrey.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:42, Reply)

She'll charge you £400 for reading that Jeff.
I hope you have your debit card handy.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:42, Reply)

£750 actually
plus vat and disbs
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:45, Reply)

disbs?
drastically inflated solicitor bullshit?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:46, Reply)

et tu brute!
disbursements, you sarky cunt...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:48, Reply)

Apologies
Lashing out due to shitty payrise announcements.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:49, Reply)

payrise? what's that?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:56, Reply)

£750?
you must read really slowly....
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:56, Reply)

you've seen how she types
www.abledata.com/product_images/images/010440.jpg
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:00, Reply)

i did click on the link
for once.

it was a hypothetical question. i earn a lot of money from squatters, but then as a hard-working, respectful professional human being who supports herself, i hate them, so it's tricky!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:43, Reply)

So do I
*bags up some more 'brown'*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:45, Reply)

Ages most likely
in the mean time simply take out masses of insurance on the property then burn it down, claim the squatters did it and rebuild.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:43, Reply)

aren't YOU the lawyer?
don't they send you memos or something?
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:45, Reply)

yup
but it takes a while to go through parliament and become an Act and thus the subject of legal updates.

i want a crystal ball please.

maybe i should go down to the property and ask the gypsies in there!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:48, Reply)

they don't want you there, you slag
only calling you this because you're not a virgin
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:50, Reply)

how do you know i'm not a virgin??

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:53, Reply)

she's seen pics of your bucket

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:54, Reply)

hahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahha
*breathes*
hahahhahahahahahahahahhaahahh
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:54, Reply)

WHAT??

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:04, Reply)

;)

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:07, Reply)

HAHA

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:24, Reply)

HAHAHA

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:24, Reply)

shocking bullying
I AM PURE AS THE DRIVEN SLUSH
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:29, Reply)

you're as pure as Kay Tee Price

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:31, Reply)

To far K, too far

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:33, Reply)

come now, i didnt say as pure as paris hilton

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:39, Reply)

There's more:
'Claypole pinched his nose, but failed not only to leave the room but to escape the rotten moth-eaten stench of Mrs Meaker's minge. Sometimes, he thought to himself, in a sprightly Jesting manner, ..it would be so much better to be able to have a tug....but it just kept slipping through his fingers...the irony, after years of erectile dysfunction in the RADA dressing rooms, upon his demise, only his Claypole remained solid, whilst the remains of his corporeal form managed only a faint trace of physical presence...his only remaining pleasure was alas, not with the myriad of gentlemen friends who had once trod the boards with him, not Noel, nor Kenneth, nor Oscar.... but with the raddled and bloated forms of mortal women....and the occasional tryst with Meaker himself....a sad state of affairs for an actor of his immaculate pedigree.'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:47, Reply)

I have to admit
I hope you stop this.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:48, Reply)

I agree, it means nothing to me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:51, Reply)

I know the characters
and still find it shit.

Sorry Monters, but it's just not very good.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Bah.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:12, Reply)

humbug anyone?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:29, Reply)

Start an interesting thread then, please.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:15, Reply)

I like this :)
It's probably what prompted me to do what I just did :D
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:52, Reply)

Heeheehee :D
DG's working from home today and is currently in the middle of A Very Important Conference Call. He sounds so grown up and clever. So what have I just done? Flashed my boobs in his face and gave him a flubble \o/
*giggles behind hand Mutley style*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:50, Reply)

*highfives*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:51, Reply)

Shall I do it again?
*giggles*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:52, Reply)

If it wasn't so mean
I'd suggest breaking wind right by him.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Hahaha!
That's HARDcore mean ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:54, Reply)

Yes, please don't do that
I couldn't live with myself if you did.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:55, Reply)

Are you on your way to That There London?

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:57, Reply)

Will be in 25 minutes
I probably should eat something more substantial than an apple and a Nom yoghurt.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Nah, you'd probably survive.
"You have one hour to reach minimum safe distance."
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:59, Reply)

Dammit, the squirty cream nozzle is broken :(
I was about to take him a coffee, attempt to top it off with squirty cream, then *accidentally* squirt it over my boobs instead, a la Nigella.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:09, Reply)

Phwoar, I'd cream her chelsea buns any day
As long as i don't have to see her massive arse
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:12, Reply)

Have you seen Ulrika "doing Nigella" on Shooting Stars?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=L57BcmGB-E0
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Weirdly for a pastiche it's hardly worsde than the original

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:22, Reply)

I still think it's one of the funniest things ever.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:25, Reply)

Excellent work, you.
How's tricks?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:52, Reply)

*grins proudly*
Yeah, I'm on the up thanks hon - how about you?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:53, Reply)

All good ta, getting fired up for a weekend of awesome
by spending the NHS's money on brightly-coloured staples.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:00, Reply)

are you planning to staple yourself with them
like a joyous, office-based Pinhead?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:01, Reply)

Hellgayer
"No more tears, it's a waste of good guyliner"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:02, Reply)

Or 'Shirtraiser'
You solved the box, we came. Now you must come with us, taste our pleasures. It'll be fantastic daaaaaahling!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:04, Reply)

My coat is fairly similar to Pinhead's dress.
And I did have an accident with one of those 80s executive desk toys earlier.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Did you look more like an extra from the porn version?
'Needledick' isn't a complimentary name for the lead cenobite.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:08, Reply)

Don't be bitter, I'm sure one day you'll manage to gain access to some young lady's puzzle box.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:16, Reply)

my mate has one of those
if I'm thinking of the same thing

he leaves it in a prominant position so when someone new comes round and ends up playing with it he can go "Brow's had his knob in that you know"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:08, Reply)

These fellas?


I would have thought there'd be an unacceptable risk of pube-trappage.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:12, Reply)

yep, one of those
to be honest, the guy in question is shaved completely bald on his head and has a hairless torso.

I have always said that I suspect is penis looks exactly like a minature version of him, so I don't think pube-trappage would be an issue
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:43, Reply)

What the hell does taht look like?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:19, Reply)

I shall be stapling mongs, with the colour most appropriate for their crimes.
Red is for "the printer's broken again". Is it? Is it really? Or are you just too fucking dumb to follow the simple instructions on the screen for loading more paper? Green is for "you know that thing you've showed me how to do three times already this month? Can you show me again?"
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:04, Reply)

Excellent!

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:07, Reply)

sounds like a good system

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:07, Reply)

printers are shit the world over
I reject your help desk monkey suggestion that it's the office drones at fault
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:10, Reply)

I'm not on the helpdesk, I am an office drone myself.
And if I can work the fucking thing, so can you.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:13, Reply)

www.fortunewatch.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/cid_image002_jpg01c81a32.jpg
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:37, Reply)

I really, REALLY shouldn't find this funny.
Unfortunately, I really, REALLY do!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:39, Reply)

I wish to God I had the $killz to animate it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:40, Reply)