It's Friday and I've booked a sneaky half-day to go home and lounge around before my friends come over for a night of beer and Gran Turismo.
More lounging tomorrow followed by a walk and a Villagers gig in Oxford on Sunday. I think I'm on the way up. Which way are you going?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:35, 119 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

*waits*



*waits*


*waits*



Oooh, a tumbleweed. Has the rapture happened, and if so, how did all you cunts get taken?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:46, Reply)

S'not 9am yet, none of the proper cunts have plonked their hefty arses in their cunt-chairs.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:50, Reply)

what sort of cunt isn't in work well before 9? cunts.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:51, Reply)

Cunty McCuntcunts, that's who.
I feel "cunt" has lost its edge. The word, I mean. I wonder where the evolution of swearing will take us?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:52, Reply)

cuntpuffin.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Puffins have a great following, I fear reprisals for sullying their good name.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:59, Reply)

which is why it is best of all the portmanteau swears.
although twathammer and fuckspiders are also useful
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:00, Reply)

Still relying on the old favourites twat, fuck and cunt though eh?
We need new, more offensive swears.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Milky Cunt.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:03, Reply)

So's your face.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:07, Reply)

Ouch!

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:08, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1210037
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:09, Reply)

It's like going round a roundabout with no exits.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Ahhhhhhhhhhh
My hefty arse is now firmly planted in my cunt chair. I love my job as a b3ta tester.
( Peej, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Gran Turismo is great..
..probably Clint Eastwood last acting role I'd imagine. He's getting old.

I've blagged a free invite to some Microsoft awards bash in London next Wednesday so I'm trying to get the details sorted to see if I can make it.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:54, Reply)

I hope you're being daft.
I've got Gran Torino waiting on the laptop for such time as I feel like watching it. Tonight I shall be mashing all manner of cars into each other in the latest offering of the hit Playstation driving series, Gran Turismo 5.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:57, Reply)

I thought you couldn't mash cars in GT5 because the broke?
Frankly, the only driving game I liked was Sega Rally.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:59, Reply)

We've only really played the early series because my mate's a bit shit and it's his Playstation.
I think the later levels have damage but in the early races it's all "point at the apex and take that place by force" which is fun but I prefer more realistic racing.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Yes, I'm in a daft mood today
I watched a good episode of Baby Looney Tunes this morning, Monty didn't burn my house down and I have chocolate. It's a good day so far.

My kids had a good driving game for the X-Box which I quite enjoyed playing. You had to drive through billboards and complete missions. Paradise City or something like that.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:01, Reply)

I played a few on the Xbox, I got given one a couple of years ago.
Burnout 3 which was fucking mental, Forza and another one I can't quite recall. Forza is brilliant, even better on the 360 with steering wheel, pedals and fucking massive HD screen.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:04, Reply)

burnout is mental
eventually as you progress it gets so fast that it's petrifyingly difficult to control.

I do quite like project gotham, but then I'm not a fan of realistic driving games. If I want realism I'll take my car on a track. GT is still a long, long way from being properly realistic.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Forza 3's probably the closest I've felt to actually driving some of these cars.
It's still arcade but the modelling is great and force-feedback really helps. Having your eyes massaged by a massive HD screen (at my brother's house admittedly) is fucking sexy too.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:09, Reply)

an old housemate of mine
tried to use GT3 to practice the nordschleife before he took his 911 on it as part of the Gumball rally. He spent months on it (particularly as I believe there were no Porshces on the early GT games so he had to build his own) ... until he had a sub-9 minute time and he reckoned he knew every corner blind. The actual track took him 14 minutes and he shat himself inside out.

Although that's a bit of an extreme example of lack of realism ;)
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:13, Reply)

The whole thing's on the old Forza, dunno about the newer one
and I gave up after a while. There are so few visual cues to where you are on the track and remembering the sequence of 100+ corners just isn't my bag. I'd rather drive 100 laps of a four-mile track than eight laps of that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:18, Reply)

oh, yeah
but if you're about to take 65k's worth of german rear-drive mentalness on an 18-mile track that still has Arnco on the corners than I think he felt any heads up would be wise...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Understandable, the number of Porches I mashed to bits trying to get particular corners of that track right I'm with him on that.
I'd still love to be taken round by that lady with the Transit that was on Top Gear, she seemed nice.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)

nice dirtier than a Cornish tin-miner's sock.

/obligatory strikethrough
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:22, Reply)

That too.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Indeed
compare and contrast with Harry Brown, which is basically the same premis but set in the UK, which was utter pish.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:58, Reply)

I didn't think Harry Brown was too bad
It got seriously daft towards the end but there were some effective scenes early on, particularly the first confrontation with the drug dealer in his 'den'.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:03, Reply)

There was a massively unnecessary amount of "gore" violence.
that just completely ruins the whole concept.

I mean, it wasn't an awful film, it's just depressing how much better it could have been if he hadn't resorted to that level of bloody violence. Also, the ending is utterly fucking ridiculous. I think he just got bored and used a "random mental generator"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I'd like to think that the only way is up.
But on reflection, bumping along the bottom is the most I can hope for.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 20 May 2011, 8:59, Reply)

Baby for you and me now?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:08, Reply)

I read that as "followed by a wank" which seemed like a lot of forward planning
Down, I've broken my knee and I have a shit wedding and then in laws to deal with this weekend
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:09, Reply)

I don't have a schedule for my masturbation, but now you mention it that might not be a bad idea.
I reckon I can squeeze one out between QI and watering next door's flowers next Tuesday.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:12, Reply)

b3ta.turb0t.net/questions/offtopic/post1209271
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I saw that yesterday, a masterful bit of misdirection leading up to it had me guffawing like a twat.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:18, Reply)

I have to admit, that's how I read it as well.
Why not combine the wank with the flower watering? See how far round the flower bed you can get before you run out.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 20 May 2011, 9:16, Reply)

see above

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Morning
it is the last day of the week so it has to be up from here. However the guy who takes the hot sandwich orders is late in and there's a real danger I might not get a sausage and egg sandwich this morning.

CRISIS.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Hmmm, I haven't really eaten properly this past few days
and right now a sausage and egg sandwich is sounding properly good. I might just buy a bunch of butcher's sausages, eggs and bread and make rounds of them tonight after beer. MMMmmmmm.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Arrr man, can i come to yours tonight?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:16, Reply)

No, the local authority doesn't grant us licences to entertain massive fuckwit bender kangaroo-fuckers.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Flid off you foot licking piss nose

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Cart my jockstrap, clunge-breathing ass cancer.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Just because you smoke dog shit burgers through your arse

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Better than snorting crusty pus off the belly of a syphilitic dwarf hooker smacked out on cow-beans.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Maybe, but we all know you spend your Friday nights
hooked up on CAYKE with your head in a fat man's fetid anus you Ocelot fingering cum sponge
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:27, Reply)

WUV WOO!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Arse.
Turns out today is the day most of the office is doing a Chinese take-out for lunch (I'm not, it's shit) and for some reason that means they don't want a hot sandwich. So there's not enough demand for the minimum delivery order for hot sandwiches.

Fucksocks. I shall have to buy a sausage roll from the sandwich lady when she turns up and microwave it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:39, Reply)

I'm ill
My wife is ill
The kids are ill
I'm expecting an awesome weekend!
( Peej, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:18, Reply)

How sick are you?
Well I'm in bed with my wife and kids...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:19, Reply)

That sounds pretty sick too.
Just how old are the kids?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I think you missed the jowk

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Did I?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I'm in bed with my wife most nights
what a sick cunt I am!
( Peej, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I 've got an exam in four hours.
Shitcunt
I'm going down.
Then tomorrow I'm going to do some post rapture looting. I'm not sure if I'll still need to revise for my exams, since all my lecturers are scientists they probably won't get taken.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:25, Reply)

You'll fly through it and you know it.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Ahhhh, you're Noel
Your optimism is cheering, thank you. But misplaced.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Yeah whatever, I reckon you've blazed all your others and got your dream placement and are pretty much one of the brightest girls I know
so get your humble arse to that exam, you'll kick its arse.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Good luck!

(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:40, Reply)

Cheers

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

You'll be fine you always think you're going to fail before exams
now fuck off and prepare.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Roger that, captain.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Oh also very very vague rumours around
that Netflix are going to start commisioning cancelled TV shows for online showing only. They're in discussion about The Event now but they are considering if getting Firefly going again would be possible.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:53, Reply)

It's too late now.
It went out on a high, they should let it rest in peace. (May or may not be saying this mostly cos my favourite character died)
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Yeah I think that's true,
they could probably get away with doing something else in the same universe though. But who knows.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:59, Reply)

just tick (c) for every answer
it's a foolproof plan.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:41, Reply)

That'll work...
For two essay questions.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Ccccccccccc cccccc cc cccccccc ccc cccc.
Ccc ccccccc cc ccccc ccccc cccccccccc, cccc cccc cccccccc ccc cccccc.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Have a first!

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:08, Reply)

THAT'S THE JOWK, LOIKE

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Best of luck darling.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Thanks bbz

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

When do you finish, and how long are you in Manchester?
I'm coming back up for around the 1st of July for a friend's birthdya.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:46, Reply)

My lease is up on the 30th June :(

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:46, Reply)

That's convenient! :)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:47, Reply)

ha ha

(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Well THAT'S irritating.
We'll see each other soon though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:48, Reply)

I know. :/
You're damn right we will :D
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I'm still full of food from last night
I had stuffed potato skins with chili, a MASSIVE rack of ribs and then fudgeychocolatey cake with ice cream.

Also I got to see Al which is always lovely
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:25, Reply)

Damn, that's potato skins going on tonight's menu too.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:27, Reply)

with cheese and sour cream
mmmmmmmmmmmm
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:32, Reply)

BACON!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:35, Reply)

My Dad used to make us them with mashed up corned beef and potato, topped with cheese, then grilled
NOM NOM NOM
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:39, Reply)

TIWYF

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:50, Reply)

I'm not that fat anymore!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:57, Reply)

of ribs

LOLboobies.

It's mature Friday.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:28, Reply)

whatevs granddad

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Friend's birthday tonight
and over the weekend I shall be living the life of the bachelor. Unfortunately in my case this will involve re-arranging the living room, tweaking the AV and working on the car. Some or all of this shall be accomplished whilst in my pants. The life of the international playboy has once again eluded me.
( Kroney, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I have my hardest exam on Tuesday, but then it's ALL OVER. Direction: UP
I'm feeling a little unprepared, but think I'll have enough time to prepare adequately. Direction: A WAVERY UP
I'm indulging in my newfound hobby of househunting today. Direction: UP
Though I might not have enough time to see the boyfriend this weekend. Direction: DOWN :(

Eh, but overall,pretty good.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Good luck!
You're finishing exam season early aren't you?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Thanks.
It's reasonably early but I have no problem with that. I know people who've been done for a week now.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:58, Reply)

It's also my birthday that day.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 9:58, Reply)

You've got a birthday coming up?
Why haven't you mentioned this before!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I haven't much have I?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:05, Reply)

And just a minute after ^ this post....
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1210155
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

That's a reference to past birthdays.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:08, Reply)

I was thinking more
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1202608
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Good point.
Well made.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:08, Reply)

-puts in diary-

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

I had an exam on my birthday every day from the age 16-21.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I always felt sorry for the ones wiht a birthday in summer holidays.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

A friend of mine was born on Christmas Day, imagine that!
I think he might be Jesus.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:09, Reply)

So is your friend also a Noel?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:10, Reply)

No, he's called Gideon.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:12, Reply)

*insert gideons bible joke here*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:14, Reply)

It was pretty rubbish at school
but now I'm older and can have a massive BBQ and a joint in my garden I care less.
(berk, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Birthdays in December are shit.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:14, Reply)

July is where its at
evenly space the presents around the year.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I can well believe you
call me mercenary and ungrateful, but I'd rather get smaller presents twice a year than one big one combined - that seems to happen to everyone I know whose birthdays are close to Christmas.
(berk, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Ah I don't really mind that, it's the freezing temperatures and short days that really suck.
I was supposed to be having a lovely birthday walk up Ivinghoe Beacon with fifteen of my closest friends and family. Fucking snow and fog cunt.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I always think there's something quite exciting
about the nights getting shorter and colder. But then I also think that in Spring about them getting longer and warmer, so...
(berk, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:20, Reply)

Me too, but by the time my birthday comes around it's dark at 4.30pm and I like my evenings to be a little brighter mostly.
I occasionally suffer from SAD - last year I really did and by January I was desperate for the grey to fuck off.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Last winter did go on for too long
even I got sick of the cold and the snow, and I never usually do. You do feel like marching up to the weather and going 'RIGHT, SPRINGTIME NOW!'
(berk, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:26, Reply)

The cold and the snow were alright, I can deal with those
but the relentless grey, the lack of colour, less sunshine, all my photos looked washed out, even my memories for much of the six months between September and March are in black and white. This is why I turn into such a daft maniacal git in the spring.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:34, Reply)

May birthdays are best

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Nonsense
The BEST people are born in Decemeber as you know only too well
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

*eyes suspiciously*
This remains to be seen.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 May 2011, 10:38, Reply)