Imagine you are able to kill NakedApe without ever being done for it.
You can do it any way you like, and get extra points for inventiveness but not necessarily for being over-elaborate. How would you free the world from this ghastly cancer for ever?

I'd beat him to death with one of Kroney's frozen poos, myself.

Alt: which is the best beer?

As you can guess I am bored and uninspired today. I blame YOU. And 'The Jews'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:19, 126 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Knackers.
*deletes thread* I had a bottle of Pride last night while chopping mountains of onions. I'd forgotten how lovely it is and was tempted to walk into town and back for another four bottles. I wouldn't say it's the best beer, but it's certainly OMNOMNOMNOM lol zombies <3
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:20, Reply)

hugz4u lol

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:23, Reply)

I had a walk around and inside Aylesbury Theatre on Sunday, it's certainly a striking building and I think it's a credit to the town.
I tried to finger Ronnie Barker but they've sealed him up, the cunts.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:25, Reply)

buttpluglols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I cannot wait to see it for myself.
I am more excited about seeing Wilko Johnson than I am Hawkwind, I think.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:32, Reply)

The new theatre
was rather like a giant jenga methinks.....very impressive building and a bastard to get home from with the crappy bus services here tho....

ALT: Badger's Golden Glory or Timothy Taylors Landlord
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I do like the Golden Glory
a faint hint of peach in the flavour. Very refreshing.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 25 May 2011, 12:21, Reply)

I'd accidentally push him onto a compressed air pipe.
Alt: I don't know, there are so many nice beers to choose from. There's a local one called Matfen Magic that is pretty damned nice, it's like a really nice brown ale minus the chemicals and gut rotting properties.

I also had an excellent coffee beer in Leeds the other month but can't remember what it was called.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:23, Reply)

*farts*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Oh brilliant, thanks for that.
I must get myself some of that, In Leeds, you say?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Leeds does have a trade agreement with london.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Saltaire's Triple Chocoholic was also nice, in the same pub.
I've had a look on the brewery's website and I think the coffee one must have been a seasonal special as none of the ones they have are ringing a bell, even the coffee one that is pictured.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Spates from the South Island of New Zealand is fantastic
also: Doom Bar, Fursty Ferret, Bombadier, Thames Tickler, Bath Gem, Wallop and Peroni.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Doom Bar, yes.
Lovely stuff. As is Fursty Ferret and Bombadier.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Doom Bar doesn't always travel that well I find
Old Dick is a nice local one from Hampshire
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:26, Reply)

I've never had a bad pint of it up here.
Although the only local I've seen it in does keep their ales in tip top condition.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:26, Reply)

When I lived in Winchester we all used to drink Old Thumper.
Looking back, it was like fucking pond water.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Monty is proof that Old Dicks come from Hampshire

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Please die.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Shan't
*stamps feet*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:33, Reply)

I never thought I'd call you, of all people, a philistine

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:37, Reply)

B3ta's 'Mr Pond Water' has spoken.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:38, Reply)

*straightens tie*
I'll have you now I'm quite an expert in the finest and siltiest of drinks.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Whenever it is sighted in a pub
my brother is compelled to sing the chorus to "Gay Bar" by Electric Six, substituting "Doom" for "Gay".
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:43, Reply)

I had Fursty Ferret for the first time the other day
It smells absolutely magnificent, and tastes superb too.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:28, Reply)

I have the occasional bottle of that. I like it.
MORE NEWS AS IT HAPPENS.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:33, Reply)

ha ha ha ha you are such a cunt

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

I'm lovin' the Ape at the moment
in a non-literal sense.

Alt: Favourite beer at the moment is Leffe Brun
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:24, Reply)

*gets erect*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Back in your cage

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I'd lock the two of you in a cage and sell tickets to watch the resulting carnage
Wipe-clean clothes preferable for audience members.

Alt: I have two answers for this - Budvar or Tiger for "readily available for home consumption", Estrella for "feeling rich enough to pay nearly £4 a pint in a poncey bar"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Budvar is lovely

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I used to love the stuff, but I've gone off it recently.
I prefer it bottled to in pints though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:32, Reply)

I don't like it at all. Too strong-flavoured for a lager.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:34, Reply)

I'm quite a fan of the harsher lagers, even the shitty ones
Corona, Becks, Stella, Budvar, etc are all fine by me.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Me too
I can't drink Carling, Fosters and all that stuff. Tastes of fuck all

Corona is odd for me - doesn't get me drunk at all
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Tastes of shit, you mean.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Yes, thats it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:53, Reply)

A 'decent' Carling is a good pint for lunchtime in some pubs round here
Because I only ever want one.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:39, Reply)

"A decent Carling"
is an oxymoron if ever there was one.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:43, Reply)

The only alternative in these places are £5 pints that I can spend a full day drinking (Peroni, Amstel) or even worse pisswater (Fosters)
On lunchtime pints, I always try to stick to one pint, unless there is a decent ale on.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

I'm going to raise "Oasis song" as the ultimate oxymoron
but I agree in principle
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:46, Reply)

This assumes that I would lose
One kick to the hip and Monty is down and out
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Not at all
You'd batter him. Or bum him. Whichever took your fancy.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Bar in Congleton does Tiger on tap
Absolutely fucking superb.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:33, Reply)

That sounds bloody amazing
There's a couple of places here that have Peroni on tap. They know me there.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

2 in Macc for that
£3.40 in one place, £3.80 in the other.

In Alderley Edge it's £4.30 a pint, and that's not even one of the 'trendy' places.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:46, Reply)

I wish you didn't live so bloody far away mate
If the place that sells it for £3.40 shows the football we could have a proper laugh there of an afternoon
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Sadly not, although it does spectacular food.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Find us a decent gig round your way and we'll make a day of it

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Shall keep an eye out

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:02, Reply)

My local (proper Italian) pizzeria does Peroni on tap.
They chill the (rather attractive) glasses too. It's perfection.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Lovely stuff
The bar I frequent for its Peroni never seems to have the appropriate glass available, mostly because people nick them. I've never been bothered about the type of glass I drink out of until I was served Peroni in a Fosters glass. Blasphemous.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:51, Reply)

served Peroni in anally violated by
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:53, Reply)

"Violated" implies it was a struggle

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:54, Reply)

I'm sure it started out as one
but then as the coolness of the glass probed the rim of your quivering rectum, you realised that there was no use in struggling and caved in, quite literally.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Perhaps once upon a time
I have an anus like the TARDIS these days. And no, I don't mean that if it explodes it will destroy the universe. As has been proven a couple of times this morning already.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:58, Reply)

The £3.40 place has to serve it in Kronenberg glasses for the same reason
It doesn't actually take very much away from it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:01, Reply)

I'd run him feet first through an industrial bacon slicer
Then sell him to Netto as 'Quality Reconstituted Meat'.

Alt: Fraoch. Simply the best ale I've ever had. Other good ones are Bombardier, Hobgoblin, Speckled Hen, Peroni, Amstel, and I'm quite a fan of Corona in summer, either with or without lime. I had a magnificent bottle of Fursty Ferret the other day though, spent half an hour smelling it before I'd even poured it out (It was a bit too cold to serve).
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Kirin Ichiban is the best lager I have ever drunk.
It's made exclusively from 'first press' ingredients and is thus the beer equivalent of extra virgin olive oil. I have found an Asian supermarket that sells it, but at £2.65 for a 500ml bottle it is at a premium.

THE END.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

I've had this too
Lovely - really dry and interesting taste I thought
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Brewed with rice - this makes it super-light.
I'd have it for breakfast if I could.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:37, Reply)

My local does it,
I don't like it, it's too plain.
My vegan housemate drinks it. You're like a vegan you are.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:38, Reply)

I have never been so insulted in my life.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Alright then
Hawkwind are shit as well.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Jesting aside WHICH I AM SURE YOU WERE,
they were shit for a good 15 years. They've got a mate of a mate playing bass for them now who has toughened them up and has re-Lemmified them. He wears a German WWII helmet on stage.

This is a GOOD THING.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I've not heard much by them I have to admit.
I had a flatmate who was into them and at the time I didn't really see what the fuss was, though. But tastes change and all that.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Their recorded output is really just an aside to the live experience.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:56, Reply)

I'm listening to Motothead right now, does this ruin them for you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Nothing can ruin Motorhead for me. NOTHING.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:55, Reply)

What about Girlschool?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:56, Reply)

A bowie cover?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:08, Reply)

I would line up a firing squad in front of him
Comprised of wheelchair-bound spastics all wearing iron clogs. Then startle them all.

Alt: For special occasions, George Gale's Prize Old Ale. For everyday drinking, Ringwood Best Bitter. If you will insist on drinking lager then your best bet is Schiehallion by Harviestoun.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:40, Reply)

I'd break his spirit by showing him non stop Monty Python sketches.
He'd top himself then.

there is no best beer, it depends on the time of year and other circumstances. If I Could have a beer right now though, Pride of Romsey would go down a treat.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Hailing from that area,
I can tell you Romsey has precisely fuck all to be proud about - unless you count 'not being Southampton'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:42, Reply)

I agree about the town. Not enough ethnics to make me feel at home.
The beer is super though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

ALT: I'm quite partial to Marstons Old Empire
www.marstonspedigree.co.uk/otherales/old-empire.aspx
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I'll second Marston's Old Empire, good pick there.
Also, S'n'ostel Praaper Jaaab, me luvvers. Yum yum yum. Another lovely aggressively-hopped dry IPA ... *salivates*
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Blunt force trauma to the anus
Alt: cider
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Yes Bobby, cider is the best beer.
*pats head*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Did I please master?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:47, Reply)

BACK IN YOUR BOX.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I have Anal Blunt Force Trauma's first album
It was very raw.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:46, Reply)

I thought there second album was a bit loose and
Undisciplined, nowhere near as tight as the first
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:49, Reply)

I thought the bottom end was a bit sloppy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Happy Birthday fella
I had a pint of Weston the other day, bloody lovely. Far too easy to drink though for 7.5% though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:51, Reply)

I also had a pint of Weston the other day - took my fucking face off.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:54, Reply)

This is my best post in MONTHS.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:54, Reply)

You don't know how right you are

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Thanks for that, 'Captain Quality-not-quantity'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I think you mean quantity not quality

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:03, Reply)

That's the one, you fat fuck.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:09, Reply)

God the irony

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I hope you had a ham and cheese melt to go with it.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Prepared on...you guessed it!
The Simon Weston Grill!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:00, Reply)

One of my favourite posts on here

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Magnificent.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:59, Reply)

I'd kill him with sex. He'd hate that.
I like beer with Tequila in it. I'm classy like that.
( girlinthehole, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Desperados?

(TheColonel, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Oh, TheColonel.
I thought better of you. Stealing my jokes and all that. For shame.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Bazinga!

( girlinthehole, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Have you come home early to avoid the ash cloud?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

I'm not scared of a bit of ash.

( girlinthehole, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:47, Reply)

r+

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:56, Reply)

+g

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:59, Reply)

t+

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:04, Reply)

+ from pokemon

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:06, Reply)

You lose everthing

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:06, Reply)

But... I wanna be the very best

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Desperado?
I think we all know the answer to this.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

It's certainly not the Eagles.

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:55, Reply)

'You've been outright offensive'
One of the best lyric mishears ever.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Guilty pleasure of mine The Eagles
I saw them at the old Wembely Stadium in '93 (?) on their Hell Freezes Over tour
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:58, Reply)

A mate of mine supported them in Newcastle years back.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 10:59, Reply)

This is either a good or bad thing depending on your stance on the eagles, mind.
Another mate auditioned to play drums for Sparks in the 70's, but didn't get the gig.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 11:01, Reply)

It's a good thing
*awaits protracted Monty rant*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:03, Reply)

Oh God, another one?
He's allowed to have his kid stay over now, what more does he want?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 May 2011, 11:05, Reply)

*walks the Green Mile*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 10:52, Reply)

What a hero.

( girlinthehole, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:00, Reply)

It's my civic duty
*fluffs self*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:01, Reply)

This is properly interesting
Ignore the wanky presenters on the video:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-13522957
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Best beer at the moment
Is a local one by Keltek Brewery called Beheaded. Its quite strong though so best enjoyed rather than necked. I'll send you a bottle if you like.
( Peej, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:18, Reply)

Death by bongo
I nominate a clutch of female B3tans to do the deed. Rogerthestarfish springs to mind in particular.

Beer? Is Guinness allowed? I know it's a stout, but it's better than all that cloudy stuff with twigs and sheepshit floating in it.

Ok, at a push, a Stella.

What about cider? Kopparberg Pear Cider FTW.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 May 2011, 11:20, Reply)

I'm loving the cider at the moment

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:28, Reply)

I didn't used to like cider, and still don't.
Kopparberg Pear Cider (so, Perry then?) is nice though.
(TheColonel, Wed 25 May 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Perry sounds a bit gay
so we'll stick with cider if that's ok.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 May 2011, 11:57, Reply)