That Thread died, Let's see if a sex thread will get people talking.
Limited by my usual criteria of "No Children, no animals, no piss, not shit no vomit", what's the most perverted sexual act you can think of?

Alt: what's more useless than a unicycle?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:33, 137 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Missionary with the lights off.
Alt: tits on a bull.
( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:36, Reply)

under or out of the covers?
this is important
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:39, Reply)

Under, with my nightie on.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:39, Reply)

mega dirty right there
almost as dirty as smelling mannequin knickers like R@ch$3l $w1p3
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:40, Reply)

I do like a good nighie
is it flanlette?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:42, Reply)

Nylon.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:43, Reply)

phoar!

( zulu eh?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:44, Reply)

I no rite.
I'll gaz you my number.
( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:48, Reply)

That could work.
does it have flowers on?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:44, Reply)

Rabbits.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:47, Reply)

Rampant!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:48, Reply)

Witttle Bunny Wabbits?
Fantastinc, I cannot wait to see my spunk on their innocent little faces.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:48, Reply)

Genuine Lol.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:49, Reply)

Is your 'sunk' some sort of 'going down' type thing that I've not heard about before?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:51, Reply)

No idea what you mean
*whistles*
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:52, Reply)

You could have saved it by suggesting you makes that ladies THAT wet, bunnies drown.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:55, Reply)

God, what a scary thought

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:01, Reply)

ym
alt: ym
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:37, Reply)

I have no idea
my brain just can't think of anything truly dirty, because if it's consensual and legal then it's not perverted, is it?
Cheating's pretty bad. I'm not sure on which side of the fence I stand on with that. Because if you're going to sleep with someone you know is married then you know you're doing something wrong but a lot of people will tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty because you haven't broken a vow [if you're single and they're married].
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:37, Reply)

I'll come down on the side of it being wrong
Even if you're not the one in a relationship, although a bit less wrong I suppose. Now there's a shocker, given our recent conversation about sexual ethics.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:44, Reply)

I don't think we were having a discussion on that, more like our opinions on interpretation of sending knickers to someone you fancy

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:46, Reply)

Well, yes
That and sex before/after entering a committed relationship. I just meant that in that conversation you came across as a lady with principals and I a slut.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:50, Reply)

I am a slut.
I'd like to find a man that would be willing to commit to me, but I can't, which was why I'd said that once I have sex with a man I have absolutely no interest in him. There's no reason, we both got what we wanted. We both move on.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:52, Reply)

while I will happily self apply that label
I wouldn't apply it to you, unfortunate seems more appropriate.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:54, Reply)

Oh, gross.
That makes it seem a lot worse.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:59, Reply)

Sorry.
You can be a slut then, I'll shut up.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:00, Reply)

OH YEAH
like I don't feel bad enough already, you go and call me UNFORTUNATE
ugh
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:10, Reply)

Well, I meant you seemed like you'd had shitty luck
when it came to men, wasn't meant as an insult. *digs deeper still*
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:17, Reply)

it's true, and your word was honestly more accurate and probably better than mine
Just winding you up ;)
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:20, Reply)

Well done, you succeeded.
Glad I didn't genuinely offend.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:26, Reply)

I think that encouraging someone to cheat
and being the person cheating are equally as wrong. Just because you're single and not breaking the vow doesn't absolve you from cheating and hurting; it's not something I would ever do.
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:54, Reply)

In theory I agree
In reality, I have never and would never cheat, but I did once get involved with a girl whose relationship was on the rocks. In my defence I can't remember how far we got before she left him (it was a long time ago I don't think we got physical) and we were together for 2 years.

I felt bad about it at the time but I did do it, and I can see possibly doing it again, which I can't say for cheating, so there's a difference in my head anyway.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:57, Reply)

There's plenty of people that cheat without being encouraged to.
The first time I was almost in a relationship I had no idea he was already with a girl, was moving in with her, and they'd been together for three years.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:00, Reply)

That's different though
You had no idea and were therefore not culpable. If you'd found out and continued to see him then you'd be at fault. In my head at least.
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:02, Reply)

Two unicycles

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:39, Reply)

unless they could be joined somehow...

( zulu eh?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:40, Reply)

To make a duocycle?
My God I think it might just work.
( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:41, Reply)

YES!
you just might have something here...
( zulu eh?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:44, Reply)

If Blousie was called Freeda....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZCIKjYDf1g
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:45, Reply)

I may be edgy and cool and street but that always makes me laugh like a loon.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:49, Reply)

Does your new hair cut make you street and cool?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:50, Reply)

I'm now far too hip for off-topic.
I may have to move to /board.
( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:56, Reply)

Gaz us a snap of your new barnet then!
I might have to join you.

I'm only here to keep the cool-kid-quota-ratio up.*

*May contain wishful thinking.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:57, Reply)

Done

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:02, Reply)

I totally knew what that was going to be.
Love it.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:52, Reply)

Right, I am very curious as to what people think is filthy
Although perhaps the answer I get off you deviants will be a somewhat different answer than if I were to poll normal people...
I like sex, I enjoy sex, I particularly enjoy good, frequent sex, and I am game for trying most things. This apparently makes me a dirty girl. I just think this makes me normal.
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:48, Reply)

I'm actually very vanilla.
It surprises people. In fact, my mate Emily said my cool points took a nose dive when I said missionary was my favorite position.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:53, Reply)

There's nothing wrong with that
I think any position where you can make eye contact can be as intimate (or rough) as you want it.
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:59, Reply)

Nothing wrong with missionary
Done right I'd say it's the best.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:59, Reply)

Hell yeah!

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:03, Reply)

I think it's because IRL I'm loud and fucking crazy
so you'd think I'd be the type of person that would be swinging from the chandeliers while fucking
but no, I like it simple
toys and all that just over complicates things, I don't even like to use a vibrator on myself
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:07, Reply)

Pretty much this
I was trying to think if there's anything I still consider dirty. I failed, which is a shame because dirty is fun.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:59, Reply)

Well, yeah
I just can't think of anything that's particularly dirty. I don't have any kinks either. Perhaps I'm just boring and unimaginative...
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:01, Reply)

I was wondering the same
but maybe kinks only come if you're hung up on things, or maybe what I (or you) think is normal is what others think is kinky.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:06, Reply)

Well I just don't think that anything I do/am willing to do
or my attitude towards sex is anything out of the ordinary. I really don't know how you'd define 'dirty', you know?
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:09, Reply)

Well, no, but I guess everyone thinks that to some extent
but some are wilder than others. How I would define it in this context is a slight frisson of knowing you're doing something a bit outside socially accepted norms, but not actually immoral. I could give examples I guess if that would help.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:14, Reply)

I am genuinely curious, so go on then.

(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:18, Reply)

OK, well the first example that came to mind
Was fingering a girl on a bus, she had a long skirt on, so nobody saw anything, and the thrill wasn't the risk of getting caught exactly, but knowing it was 'naughty' made it more fun.

"Dear Penthouse Letters Page, I never thought I was the kind of guy who had any luck with women, but one day...."
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:20, Reply)

'a hippie let me have a rummage in her patchouli patch'

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:27, Reply)

HaHa
Nice use of euphemism.

Re-reading the above, I should point out that the girl in question was my girlfriend, not some random stranger.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:32, Reply)

I licked out that ginger bird's bumhole for a good half hour.
Alt: My mate, who's just ordered a flag for our European endeavours but the absolute div chose 15ft x 8ft for the size. It's going to be ridiculously big.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:57, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:58, Reply)

Was she really THAT ugly?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 21:59, Reply)

It was a case of
"Shit, she's twenty five, she's definitely far more experienced in the sack than me and I haven't shagged anyone for a couple months. I better do some out of the box stuff to make it look like I actually know what I'm doing".
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:03, Reply)

You really did do something 'out of the box'
Her dirt box.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:04, Reply)

:/

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:06, Reply)

She's only twenty five not fifty five.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:09, Reply)

But she probably doesn't need ID for tabs.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:12, Reply)

I panicked.
Plus the fact we'd been doing coke all day and there was no way I was going to jizz in her fanny for ages, we were at it for so long I thought my back was going to give way so I needed a time out. She loved it anyway, so I stuck a finger up there afterwards as well cos I'm smooth like that.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:16, Reply)

So not only did you give her a night to remember.
you checked her prostate.

Barry. I've learnt a lot, I'll be a better partner in the future.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:18, Reply)

I hope she didn't have one 0_o

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:19, Reply)

The amount of times I need to pee I must have one.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:20, Reply)

Nah, that's just weak pelvic floor muscles.
Tena lady or make the muscles stronger by doing the exercises.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:22, Reply)

I'm a thoughtful man at heart.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:19, Reply)

heheehe!
Barry you're a hoot.
( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:19, Reply)

OK, so far you win mate
I have never licked a ginger girls arsehole, nor do I particularly plan to, but if I'm ever with a ging I'll thing of you and seriously consider it.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:07, Reply)

I've licked a few boys bumholes, surely that's dirty
I've done a load of dirty things, but I'm not a fan of them now

I snowballed a guy before.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:08, Reply)

What is snowballing?
Is it like teabagging?
( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:10, Reply)

when a guy cums in your mouth and you spit it back into his
or, as I did, kiss him with it in your mouth
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:11, Reply)

Oh! lovely.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:12, Reply)

I cannot imagine any guy being particularly in to that...
but each to their own, I guess.
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:12, Reply)

The fact there's a name for it implies some people like it.
Although the idea does not appeal to me.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:16, Reply)

yeah, pretty gross actually
The older I am my tolerance of semen lowers
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:17, Reply)

he wanted me to do it
So I did it
Better than the alternative, which is spit it all back into his lap
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:16, Reply)

that's the thing with the spit or swallow conundrum
if you do spit, where the hell do you spit it? They get annoyed if you spit it in their belly button
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:46, Reply)

I'd be too busy laughing
Never encountered that option before. That said not encountered a girl who didn't swallow that I know of.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:47, Reply)

I never actually gargled
but I think that was a rumour once
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:49, Reply)

Nice
I would, I think, if I did such things.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:53, Reply)

snowballing is cumswapping

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:11, Reply)

Rusty head.
Rusty sheriffs badge.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:09, Reply)

I'm struggling to think of anything
but that's because I haven't gone out with anyone in ages
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:16, Reply)

If you're desperate I'll lick your bumhole.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:16, Reply)

Lol

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:20, Reply)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand click

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:21, Reply)

Thanks for the generous offer

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:22, Reply)

Don't let Darth see that he will only be jealous.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:23, Reply)

Clicked the highlight of this thread.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 0:06, Reply)

Doing it with a Tory.

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:21, Reply)

And yes. On the night Tony Blair came to power.

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:21, Reply)

Catholic girls are the worst for the dirty stuff.

( girlinthehole, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:22, Reply)

*nods*

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:23, Reply)

Dear me
That is kinky. How goes your evening dear lady?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:25, Reply)

It's going well, thank you :)
I have new trellis up in my garden and I've put in a new clematis.

Strike-through heaven.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:26, Reply)

I don't think it needs it
Sounds like pure filth as is, may not be up on the latest sexual slang, but as soon as I've worked out what a 'trellis' and a 'clematis' are I shall be wanking myself ragged I am sure.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:30, Reply)

Heeheehee!
And on that note, I'm off to bed to tickle PJM :)

Night all!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:31, Reply)

Lucky PJM
nighty night.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:33, Reply)

I don't remember this :(

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:23, Reply)

Is that considered dirty?
I hope so because that means every girl I've ever shagged is a filth pot.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:26, Reply)

You live in Essex, don't you?

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:27, Reply)

If I lived in Essex I'd have jumped off a bridge due to living in Essex by now.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:32, Reply)

I cannae believe I just mentioned cumswapping on B3ta.
I am spankyhanky AICM poorly written wank fantasy.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:23, Reply)

Have you also turned Scots?
What else can ye nae believe? Jings!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:27, Reply)

I have always been Scottish.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:42, Reply)

For now, Monty and FreeFare.
Maybe Kroney and Psychochomp could star in my next one.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:30, Reply)

That wasn't dirty
That was beautify erotic literature. I may get it tattooed on my back.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:34, Reply)

in comic sans

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:44, Reply)

The Language of Love
Monty's entry into fiction deserves no less. SO, how badly did you looose at the quiz?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:46, Reply)

25 1/2 out of 40
worse than last week, but there were only 3 of us
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:48, Reply)

Dear me.
*crosses Cavy off theoretical quiz team list*
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:48, Reply)

it's a really hard quiz!
although I did get Saturn and Jupiter mixed up in the question I really should have known
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:50, Reply)

Wolfbagging
or webslinging
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:48, Reply)

have I gone too far?
hello? anyone?

can i point out I've never done either?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:52, Reply)

Nah, everyone's buggered off
I was on the point of doing the same when you arrived, actually I think I will anyway, busy day tomorrow.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:54, Reply)

oh man
I can't believe everyone went when I have a belly full of caffiene and a brain full of stupid rude things
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 22:55, Reply)

Sorry Cavster
but I meant to go to bad an hour ago. I'll leave you with 2 I hope to god imaginary practices: rotoschlorphing and Dwarf-heading. Good luck finding anything on the second that isn't to do with Red Dwarf.

Edit: Seems if you ad the words "muscle" "relaxant" and "lube" to your search it comes right up,. amazing the things that stick in your head after all these (about 18) years
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:00, Reply)

Jizzy tits!
Night night /OT (well Cavey, the rest of you already sodded off without a word)
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:01, Reply)

i googled
I shouldn't have

night!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:04, Reply)

My brother's girlfriend just piped up with
"Didn't Anthony Worral Thompson invent Coca Cola?". She's quite a catch.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:05, Reply)

she sounds like a genius

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:07, Reply)

She's not even fit.
It pains me to say it but my brother's a handsome bugger and could do loads better.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:11, Reply)

DPing a young lady
And then came the awkward moment when you suddenly opened your eyes, and you are staring into another mans face in the throes of ecstasy. And then he opens his.
Tres uncomfortable.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:18, Reply)

Do you mean spitroasting?
If so, and it's your friend on the other side, NEVER catch his eye if you're trying not to laugh, as it'll ruin any environment that was there, as you dissolve into hysterics.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:22, Reply)

Isnt spitroasting
One at each end, as opposed to a DP, which is one in the pink, one in the stink?

NinJa edit: Yes, spitroasting is one at each end, double penetration is one in the front, one in the rear.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:37, Reply)

I suppose fistings pretty perverse, but I'm not too sure.
Threesomes?

Alt: Stephen Hawking's unicycle.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:21, Reply)

I had FreeFare fisting Monty in my earlier "literature".
I did a little sick in my mouth whilst I was writing it.

And with that, I'm off to bed with totally strange thoughts in my head.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 23:30, Reply)

You're creepy has no one said that yet?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 1:12, Reply)

Wouldn't want to infringe on your patent old boy.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 8:53, Reply)