Tell me tales of astounding cuntishness. Who's amazed you with their unpleasantness lately?
Boo-hooing and woe-is-me-ing are VERBOTEN.

Alt: tell me heartwarming tales of the generosity of others. Being massively gay/kittum-esque posts are VERBOTEN.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:40, 133 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Alt:
I've been offered a FREE HOLIDAY to Iceland to see the Northern Lights. How about that, you fucking cunts?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:42, Reply)

You cunt. Give that holiday to ME.
NOW.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Sure*



*no.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:44, Reply)

This is a tale of outstanding cuntishness in it''s own right.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

You can get a 3 day break package from icelandair
for about £300, which includes flights, hotel and a day trip. Good value. Iceland's not nearly as expensive as you'd think, either.
(berk, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:50, Reply)

not any more, no
not since we fucked their currency into a cocked hat.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:50, Reply)

We looked into this last night.
Using my 'pint of beer and pack of fags index' it seems prices are about the same as London.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Yes, that's about right actually
booze is bloody expensive though so make sure you buy some in the duty free on the way out.
(berk, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Noted. Ta.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I will look in to this. Thanks.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:43, Reply)

Boo-hooing and woe-is-me-ing are VERBOTEN

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:50, Reply)

I went on one of those, city break to Reykjavik is it?
the northern lights didn't come out to play when I went, sadly, although the blue lagoon is a truly incredible experience.

In answer to your original question, some besuited and suitcased cunt shoved me as I was getting on to the train the other day, causing me to fall over and smash my knees in to my bike. He then tutted at me and stepped over my bruised and bleeding carcass. Instead of screaming abuse at the inconsiderate fucker I silently wished a slow and poxridden death upon him. The curse of being British...
(berk, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Being a well-mannered Englishperson will always be to your credit.
Particularly in these dark times, when most Englishpersons no longer have this attribute.

Fie, I say - fie.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Nobody offered to help me up, either
Commuting appears to turn people in to total cunts.
(berk, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Some of us are already cunts. Just saying, like.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:52, Reply)

Of course.
This is why the South-East of England, despite it's obvious attractions in some ways, is somewhere I will never live again.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Wimp.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:57, Reply)

I know man.
I'm such a coward for living in a beautiful city with no serious overcrowding, no major traffic problems and an exponentially lower level of cunts than London.

It shames me, CQ. Shames me.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:59, Reply)

It's OK badge, lot's of people can't hack it
Enjoy whatever sub-London conurbation you have chosen and pretend there's not a reason everyone want's to live here.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:02, Reply)

it's cos you're all sub-deviant masochists
actually, I reckon you'll find it's mostly "cos that's where the jobs are" rather than it being any direct personal choice.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Some of this
also some of that's where all sorts of other stuff is. I was just making the point that the problems you mention are caused by lots of people wanting/choosing to live here. I mean there are jobs in other places, OK they pay less, but property is way cheaper too, there's only a few people, like me and Monty, who work in London-centred industries, and I could find work in Slough or maybe Bristol, but frankly I'd rather die.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:45, Reply)

British English

I would, and have, screamed abuse at any fucker who done that sort of thing.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:57, Reply)

They'll never take your freedom.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:58, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/talk/7312128
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Are you from one of the colonies then?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Bongo-bongo land, I think.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:02, Reply)

I'm a scotch.
HOOTS MON!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Yay!
That makes 3, depending on what you count as scotch. Dozer is proper scotch and I'm scotch the way a lot of Americans are Irish.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:04, Reply)

I just about qualify to play for the Scottish football team
but I'd never say I was Scottish. Especially not whilst in Scotland. Or to a Scot.
( Kroney, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:05, Reply)

But would you want to?
2 minutes into this world cup qualifying campaign and already Scotland are eliminated, what do you make of that Archie?
Well, it's certainly a big improvement on last time.....
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Well, I wouldn't be any worse than any of the other players.
And I don't have any legs.
( Kroney, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Probably an improvement in all honesty.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Yeah, how much is that then?
I reckon I'm 1/8th, but I also have the surname, and a scotch spelt first name so that should be worth something.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Grandparents.
From Goven. So I'm dead classy, too.
( Kroney, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:08, Reply)

GOVAN!
fucking english
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:09, Reply)

With a hint of Dutch.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Don't give me that
As if the majority of the inhabitants are capable of spelling their own name, let alone the town they live in.
( Kroney, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Sure they can, I see them scrawling it on walls everywhere.
BAZ LUVS ZENGA and RFC NO1 FTP.

Govan is charming.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I imagine that's why the grandparents left.
I've heard tales.
( Kroney, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:17, Reply)

They'll probably all be true.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:21, Reply)

If that's a qualification
I'm Scotch too.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:37, Reply)

There's plenty of mericans think they're Scotch too.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Quite likely.
But I don't think they have massive drunken parades on St Andrews day.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:19, Reply)

No, they pretend to know what haggis is on burns night.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:20, Reply)

Ahh, good point.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:40, Reply)

CRIVENS LADDIE!

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:05, Reply)

HELP MA BOAB!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Where you from MMPS?
I reside in Scotland's capital.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:09, Reply)

*spits on the floor* Oh. You're one of THEM.
GLASGOW YA BAS q:o|
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:13, Reply)

*backs away*
My sister lives over that side. The first time we went out in central Glasgow I was invited outside - and not in a good way.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I would suggest they test nukes here.
In fact fuck that, all the gold sovs would just throw the guidance systems off.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I made a face at a child till it screamed yesterday in Ikea.
Admittedly I wasn't even trying.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Did you make a face out of your cock and balls?
They love that, usually.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:57, Reply)

My back wheel is an utter, utter cunt today, cheap ebay crap that it is.
Alt: lovely eBay has sold me a new wheel at a very reasonable price, I'm sure this one will last far longer and be of better quality.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I am struggling manfully to give even the tiniest toss about this.
Given the precarious nature of my uber-bollocks this fine day that is quite an achievement in itself.

Soz.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:51, Reply)

that's OK I feel the same way about *insert name of something you care about but I don't*

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:59, Reply)

the holocaust?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I dunno, I find that quite interesting, although my sympathies may differ a bit from yours.
I was going to say drugs, but while you may do them you don't bang on about them, sportball fans take note.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

One of the girls at my office had last week off
She had a weeks holiday, in which she went back to her home country to see her parents. This, I have no problem with.

However, the fact that I only found out she was going after she'd already fucking left is something that's really wound me up. There were 2 people off last week. The other spent 4 hours sorting out his 'hand over' to me, so I was clear on what had been done, what needed to be done, etc. Her, not a fucking word.

Still fuming about that.

Alt: On Saturday at the bash, to apologise for going home early, T0ria gave me a voucher for several free pints. Someone else offered me a place to stay, got back at about 2:30, was woken with a cup of tea in the morning, and a lift back home. B3tans, you lot really are magnificent.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 9:53, Reply)

I couldn't explain cuntiness without woe-is-me-ing.
And I don't like most people so I just ignore their generosity.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Some arsewipe pulled up into my block's car park and threw his cigarette butt out of the window
I said, 'Do you mind not littering my driveway RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME' and he apologised and picked it up. Dirty cunt.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Well done.
I dope you did it in a proper 2affronted Englishman" tone.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:23, Reply)

It's the only tone I know

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Excellent.
I used similar when some tit on a bike knocked me off my bike. I believe my exact words were "There are lights there for a reason, old boy", I'm not sure if I'm ashamed for not calling him every name under the sun of proud of the Englishness of my reaction.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:27, Reply)

most people only amaze with their predictability, tbh

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:43, Reply)

But if it's predictable, why are you still amazed?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:44, Reply)

sorry, i meant jaded
they just sound similar.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Someone sent me to work today
with a tupperware box containing a fucking outstanding Jamaican mutton curry. I'm so excited about eating it I've got an EPIC BONE-ON.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Did they give it to you of their own accord?
Or something.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:46, Reply)

combined with your pendulously swollen tezzers
and your hair-trigger, I'd say that could spell disaster for someone.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:47, Reply)

FINCHLEY ON TSUNAMI ALERT

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:59, Reply)

I have nothing to add to this conversation other than I have just had a very relaxing poo.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Yay!
That settles it, I'm off to have one now. work poos FTW
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:51, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/talk/5532580
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Oh good lord

( Kroney, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Come off it Rory. It's not like I went into detail.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:55, Reply)

A 'relaxing poo' brings to mind a gush of slurry out the back

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:57, Reply)

That's just your filthy mind.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:58, Reply)

I wouldn't say a watery one is a particularly relaxing one...

(berk, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:59, Reply)

I have to have a photo taken today in one of those photo booths and I'm dreading it.
They're never particularly flattering and with my self esteem constantly teetering on the precipice it's probably going to be a depressing afternoon.

What shall I buy in town to cheer myself up?
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 11:03, Reply)

gun
rope
lots of pills
a washing machine and a system of pulleys
razors
a lake and pockets full of stones
chucklevision dvd
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 11:03, Reply)

I only have half an hour.

( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 11:06, Reply)

oh ok then, KFC?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Apparently the trick to these photo-me-booths
is to hold a sheet of white paper, or similar, underneath your face (out of shot, obv) which will reflect the light upwards creating a more flattering picture.
I think I got that from How2 or somewhere...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 11:21, Reply)

I find the secret is to never show anyone the photos they produce.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 2 Nov 2011, 11:33, Reply)

must be tricky at airports

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 11:34, Reply)