My pal Mat’s stag do was perfect.
Tayyab’s at 4pm, then we had a tiny little bar in Shoreditch to ourselves until 1am, with our own music, then the remaining chaps came back to my flat for more silliness. Public nudity = 0, embarrassing tawdry strippers = 0, indignity = 0, stupidly expensive foreign travel = 0 etc

It was spot on.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 15:38, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Yeah, that's what I would have liked,
but not my choice is it. SIGH
(PsychoChomp, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 15:45, Reply)

You know you've spent too long on the internet when...
...you see a capitalised word and assume it's an acronym with which you're unfamiliar
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 15:51, Reply)

Stupid Internets Go Home

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 15:55, Reply)

You are Charlie Brooker AICMFP

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 15:58, Reply)

*phones Huq*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:14, Reply)

Shit in Gonz's hat?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:00, Reply)

there was a stripper at my friends stag do once, god it was awful
for truesies
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 15:46, Reply)

I find them hugely embarrassing.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:01, Reply)

+ unless they are pre-operative male to female transexuals.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:03, Reply)

me too, it was incredibly awkward, only one person seemed to enjoy it
and he was the office spastic, whooping and jeering at the poor cow. I just wanted to get her a jacket and a cab fare home
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:04, Reply)

Schizophrenia is such a cross to bear

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:07, Reply)

NO IT ISN'T!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:15, Reply)

YES IT IS

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:15, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:16, Reply)

When we went (at the groom's insistence) to a lapdancing club on a stag do, I was one of only three of us (out of 12) not to get a private dance
I find the prospect of doing so horribly tawdry. Needless to say I took a right verbal kicking from the others for this. Most of whom had girlfriends categorised as "minging" or "nonexistant", I hasten to add.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:05, Reply)

You big gayer.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:08, Reply)

strippers are not sexy

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:11, Reply)

Some are. The act isn't.
He's still a big gayer.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:12, Reply)

You didn't see the strippers mate
With one exception I wouldn't have wanted them to get naked for me gratis
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:14, Reply)

My mate had a stripper for a birthday years ago.
She looked like his aunt. It was hilarious.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:26, Reply)

Ouch
Due to the salacious nature of one of my best mates, should I ever have a stag do I'm absolutely sure he'll arrange for female nudity at some point, regardless of my instructions. Luckily, I'm also absolutely sure he'll road-test the goods for quality ahead of the event.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:29, Reply)

I don't understand why people spend so much money just to have somebody's genitals waved near to their face.
Some blokes go and spend hundreds.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:09, Reply)

One of the lads in our place spent £500 in one night on dances
WTF?

Surely for £500 you could do anything you want to certain ladies parts all night, rather than just watch them
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:10, Reply)

Five tons on a date would see you ensonced in a relationship
which would no doubt yield a far higher ratio of face to punani.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:12, Reply)

This^
My jaw nearly hit the floor when he told me
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:12, Reply)

I can have a decent weekend away for £500. Much more preferable.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:12, Reply)

Meh, some people would make a very solid distiction in a relationship
between a lap dance and fucking a hooker. That might be part of it. Also, people will pay £500 for things a lot less useful than a look at some tits and growler. Not really my thing but horses for courses, innit?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:23, Reply)

This one girl offered me a dance for £15 instead of the usual £20
in a very suggestive manner. I cannot fathom why I'd pay a woman less attractive than my own girlfriend to get naked for me.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:13, Reply)

Because you know that sooner or later your mrs will dump you and you will never even get close to being able to touch someone
even half as ugly as the hooker?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:18, Reply)

...and I would want to expedite this dumping by paying a girl to strip for me?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:20, Reply)

Your brain rarely makes logical decisions.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Says a lot about how opposed I was to the idea
that I resisted the offer despite being jeered by my mates and having several hours of drinking behind me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:22, Reply)

Perhaps if it was a bloke offering to strip for you things might have been different...?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:24, Reply)

Brilliant
I doff my cap to your Wildean wit and trailblazing originality
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:26, Reply)

I know, I know...
Time to go home, I think.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:28, Reply)

It was good wasn't it.
It's funny implying that you're gay, because a lot your hobbies could be construed as "not very macho" or even "effeminate" so even though you're going out with a girl who appears to have overlooked your earlier fondness for Manic Street Preacher style spraypainted T-Shirts, it could just be that she's a beard and your a closet homosexual. Which is where the joke lies.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:28, Reply)

It's every bit as funny now as it was the first time

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:29, Reply)

funny accurate
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:30, Reply)

It's like the gift that keeps on giving.
Just like your cock up a mans bumhole.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:38, Reply)

I might have to start marking again at this rate

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:40, Reply)

What would my last one have scored?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:47, Reply)

6 probably
7 if I was feeling generous and took context into account.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:51, Reply)

I hate you.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:52, Reply)

No you don't

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:55, Reply)

anyone willing to gyrate in knickers for £15 isn't worth seeing
I'd do it for £5
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:21, Reply)

When in one in Munich I realised it was time to leave when I saw one of the other guys putting his credit card down.
I had a nice kebab on the way home and a wee behind a bush.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:09, Reply)

I went on a stag do in Berlin
The lads wanted to take the groom to a lap-dancing bar but couldn't find one, so we ended up getting into a cab and asking to be taken to one. Something must have got lost in the translation because we ended up in a thinly-disguised brothel. We made our excuses and left.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:14, Reply)

Standard fare in Eastern Europe.
it seems to be a pretty even split between titty bars and brothels with little to distinguish the two.

we played that game in Porto a while back (get in a taxi and gamble) but the place (strip club, for clarification, not a brothel) was astoundingly high class*. And comprehensively astoundingly expensive.

*I should clarify - insofar as an establishment where you pay ladies to be naked and do stuff can ever be "high class"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:18, Reply)

This was my first and only experience of a brothel
It seemed pretty tawdry to me, but I have no reference point to compare with.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:23, Reply)

Oh yeah. totally, the one in Porto wasn't a brothel, I should have clarified that.
I'm not sure high class brothels exist.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:25, Reply)

I saw one of the other guys putting his credit card down. one of the doormen punched me in the face for groping a Bavarian slapper.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:14, Reply)

I think the one I witnessed where she shoved a chupa chup right up her vajoo
and then handed it to the groom to lick clean will live long in my memory. And not in a good way.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:11, Reply)

Ewww!
Why would you want to lick something which had been somewhere where clearly a large number of desperately sad men had left their seed?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:13, Reply)

+ mouldy lollipops

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:13, Reply)

Where the hell is that supposed to fit in to my sentence?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:17, Reply)

At the end, dipshit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:18, Reply)

left their seed mouldy lollipops?

It doesn't make any sense man!
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:22, Reply)

Ok, they left their seed and mouldy lollipops

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:23, Reply)

Al, to this day I have no fucking idea.
The doubly disturbing thing was, she was fairly attractive and this took place in the bride and groom-to-be's living room. It was a genuinely surreal moment in my life.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:15, Reply)

Ew!
Fucking hell
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:13, Reply)

well, quite.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:15, Reply)

Damn that's grim.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:18, Reply)

Almost as bad
as the stripper a friend hired to surprise another (female) friend at her birthday party, who squirted two lines of cream one up each thigh, and invited them to lick to where the lollipop poked out of her knickers
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:28, Reply)

the one i saw did something similar, but also poured wotsits in the mans pants and then made him sit down
i don't know why she did that
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:29, Reply)

What? sit?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:31, Reply)

she basically made him crush cheesy crisps into his bumhole and cock
i think she was quite an angry person really
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:33, Reply)

*sigh*
What? sit?
WOTSIT
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:33, Reply)

yeah she made him sit on them

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:34, Reply)

really? :S
all of these stories are so grim.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:31, Reply)

true as the nose on my face
its not exactly the most glamorous profession is it?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:33, Reply)

well, at least you can see whether her thighs are clean....

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:31, Reply)

Devon knows how they make it so creamy.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:33, Reply)

Haha
I'm assuming it was cream here
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:35, Reply)

chupa chuff

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:28, Reply)

officelol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:30, Reply)

This entire subthread has made me feel rather queasy.

( Kroney, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:31, Reply)

I have to agree here
Lapdancing places put the shits up me. They are weird and intimidating
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:33, Reply)

Go in and start stipping. See how they fucking like it.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:34, Reply)

stipping?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:35, Reply)

what battered said.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:42, Reply)

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=stipping
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 16:35, Reply)