This week's "Idea that I really really want that'll never happen" is that I want to learn how to play the violin

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:35, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Woah, back up there...
You can get handjobs on the NHS now?
Also, the violin is quite hard. Can I suggest you try an easier instrument?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:37, Reply)

I suggest the recorder
or the triangle.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:38, Reply)

I think so, it's all very clinical, they probably wear cloves, but I don't mind that. I presume they're very efficient, which works for me too, it makes no difference to me if it lasts 25 seconds or 5 minutes, and they can always move onto the next person
afterwards. I think I prefer it clinical, in their mind it being no different to checking a prostate or checking someone's blood pressure. I won't even feel bad about not buying them chocolates or flowers.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:39, Reply)

I suspect the entire jobby might be prostate fired

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Can't you just get hookers on the NHS
or have I imagined that? Or are they called "sexual surrogates" or something more official sounding?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Oh good, I'll remember that when speaking to the doc later.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:41, Reply)

for autisms and down's people?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:42, Reply)

*takes notes*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:52, Reply)

I want to learn to play the guitar
I have three of them sitting in my lounge and a willing teacher so really it's quite viable. But I think I'd have to cut my nails.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:37, Reply)

I realised that my hand is far too spazzy to make the requisit claw shapes to make notes come out

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Nonsense, playing the guitar is easy.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I can play an A chord!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Do you use it to duff up pedo drug dealers?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:42, Reply)

what the fuck are you talking about? on a guitar mother fucker

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:58, Reply)

I'll show you how hard I can make it...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Just learn D, A and E
and you can play any song* U2 ever wrote.

Or just open tune it, and you don't really need chord shapes

*insofar as any U2 thing can be called a song.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:45, Reply)

I learnt this the other day on james may's Man Lab
Are you james may?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:46, Reply)

No, I'm not.
I am a stratospherically lazy guitarist though.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Do you ever wish you were
Or are you more of a "Clarkson man"?

Hamster hammond is my favourrite, he's so funny with his big eyes and brain damage
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Clarkson is basically the world's greatest troll
however, I have no desire to be like any of them.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I like May.
His toy stories series was excellent, especially the Spitfire one.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:08, Reply)

He is much better away from "top gear"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Did you see man lab
when they sent the ashes of a budgie and cat up to the edge of sapce for a "sapce buriel" it was brilliant, and how I would like to be disposed of
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:13, Reply)

I think Monty's budget will only extend to dumping you off Westminster bridge.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:16, Reply)

I actually expected him to pop up with some sort of body disposal plan
where is he anyway?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:17, Reply)

He's probably out and about buying up football memorabilia
now that he's really into the beautiful game.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:29, Reply)

More likely to be bidding on this:
www.windsorstar.com/Hitler+linens+auction/5776635/story.html
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:32, Reply)

I didn't, no.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:17, Reply)

Thanks for the offer Nakers
I'm flattered, but I'm not gay.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:53, Reply)

: (

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:04, Reply)

I find just having a decent guitar in my living room
but not bothering to know how to play it acheives the main effect, which is to make women think you are artistic and deep and therefore encourage them to remove their clothes with you, but without all the bother of actually having to learn how to play.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Have none of them asked you to serenade them?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:44, Reply)

The drugs have usually kicked in before then.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:46, Reply)

I suspect these women had already made their decision.
The guitar just helped them justify it as the right one.
I've been playing nearly all my life and it has contributed little to my success with women.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:51, Reply)

you need more incapacitating drugs, then.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Tried that, but they've usually buggered off by the time I come round again.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:06, Reply)

You get these hard bits of skin at the end of your fingers, rock hard and rough. Learning to play the guitar, in that respect, is a group desision.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:41, Reply)

What's the app about?
I hope it's about angry birds, i love angry birds, you should make it about angry birds
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Just tell them you think they've put on weight
That usually makes them quite angry.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:39, Reply)

+ but only on your arse, face and legs, not on your tits

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:41, Reply)

EXTREME SPORTS VIDEOS PERSONALLY SELECTED BY THE [name in that sport's industry]'S INBOX AND INTO YOUR RETINAS ON THE MOVE !!!!!

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:43, Reply)