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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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so i just got a text from my friendsaying that her new boyfriend wanted a finger in the arse during sex. she had 3 questions: (i) how to do it; (ii) does this make her a slut; and (iii) does this make him gay? then some rather graphic explanation of her first attempt. i am quivering and rocking like a grandmother on speed, fucking disgusting images there.
when was the last time someone shared too much with you? what was it? how did you react?
alt: where did you meet your current or most recent partner?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 May 2012, 10:54,
203 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
the unkindest cutnow answer the questions, damnit.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 May 2012, 10:59,
Reply)
Morning SwipeySomeone shared some confidential business infomation, I pretended I hadn't heard. Exciting eh!
Alt: Uni, we were on the same course
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:00,
Reply)
(i) 1 finger, 1-2 inches in, curled upward to stimulate prostratum(ii) no
(iii) no
(iiii)just now, i was physically sick in my mouth
alt, she used to work with me and now she doesn't
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:01, Reply)
What happens if there is a bit of sweetcorn up there?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:02,
Reply)
he should have douched and made himself as clean as possible firstswipe didn't ask about prep, she likes it dirty
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:03, Reply)
is it good form to immediately leave the sex arena to clean the shitty digit?Or does one carry on, trying not to leave smears on the bedsheets?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:05,
Reply)
Just run your hand through her hair, that should get rid of most of it.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:05,
Reply)
option b usuallyfollowed by a mad dash to clean the finger before someone accidentally kisses it or runs their fingers through someones hair
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:06, Reply)
1 positive of having a baby is that ytou always have wet wipes to hand!(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:07,
Reply)
oh man, my gf carries alcohol wipes in her handbagi'll totally have to remember that next time
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:08, Reply)
she is a bit about cleanlinessshe'll obsess all night about making sure that her kitchen is spotless
meanwhile she hasn't hoovered or changed her bed for 2 weeks
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)
I bet if you shone a black light on it it would look like Barrymores face after one of his parties(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:19,
Reply)
Don't let Scarpe hear you saying that.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:14,
Reply)
Don't pretend you didn't just regard the corn as a snacky bonusand chowed down on it with gusto. He's told everyone that's what you did on 'FB', so don't deny it.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:06,
Reply)
Wipe it on her fanny.That's what I do with your mum and she fucking loves it.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:08,
Reply)
Don't you find your finger gets stuck in her matted muff though?Fucking hell, that thing is at least a 6 on the Gibbons Scale.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:09,
Reply)
Her dreadlocked growler is getting a little out of hand, it's true.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:11,
Reply)
It bears a striking resemblance to the top of Bob Marley's headand smells worse
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:11,
Reply)
Also, more often than not it's like Bob Marley's preferred type of donut.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:12,
Reply)
I'm just wondering why you have sex in an arena(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:09,
Reply)
You've spoiled it now(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:20,
Reply)
i preferred naked ape's postthere's something about being so shit it's good
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:22, Reply)
Just feel thankful you won't have to chew it as much second time round.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:03,
Reply)
A number of people said I gave too much information when I said I had phimosis, so I'll say that, as I can't think of anything else at the momentThen again, most things don't bother me, so TMI doesn't really tend to happen.
Alt: The girl I'm 'with' at the moment, I met through my job. She complained that the internet at her place wasn't working, I was sent round to sort it out, we got chatting, and it went from there, really. My last actual partner, I met her through a friend.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:02,
Reply)
On the contrary, the first time you mentioned it on here you didn't give enough informationleading to a slightly disturbing google search.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:17,
Reply)
Someone shared a private text from a 'friend' on the internet.I was so disgusted I could barely carry on wanking over qotw.
Alt: I met him on the internet. He's bloody lucky, too. If I'd met him in person first, I would have run a fucking mile.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:08,
Reply)
She let the tyres down on his spaz-chariot.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:13,
Reply)
and proceeded to mount him like the Fonz on a backwards chaireehhhhh
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:15,
Reply)
In fairness, anything more than a walking speed could have easily got you away from him.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:10,
Reply)
I don't know, by the time you've got to the vinegar strokes you build up quite a speed....Oh. Walking speed. Right you are.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:15,
Reply)
is aw the walking dead for the first time, it was alrightthe beginning was good but i don't think i'd go out of my way to watch it again, especially as i read the synopsis of the whole series when i got bored
3 Qs
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:21, Reply)
Watch itIt gets better and better
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:24,
Reply)
I taped last night's showbut I still haven't started any of the season 1 boxset I picked up three months ago.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:25,
Reply)
i'm not bothered, i read the synopsis i know what's going to happeni could ruin it all for you right now
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)
It has been one of the best things on TV lately(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:32,
Reply)
I'm really enjoying Grimm at the moment.It's like Buffy for grown-ups.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:33,
Reply)
in last night's episode a little girl ran awayapparently in the next one they find her in the barn of a farm they're holed up in to tend to someone who gets wounded.
the barn is full of the farmer's zombie relatives, who the farmer believes can be cured. they kill them all and he kicks them out.
at the end of the series it turns out they've all been 'infected' and egg from This Life has been leading them to a zombie prison
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)
Nombies are shit and anyone who is 'into' them is a bender.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:25,
Reply)
the nombies were the best thing about it, without them it was just a bunch of people not doing muchat least they added an element of danger, but not enough, especially as no-one seemed to realise you could just RUN AWAY
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:28, Reply)
My responses would bei) with a finger - in the arse, I would imagine
ii) probably not, but he hopes so
iii) possibly - would that make you interested in him? Lol.
I met my current GF when she was best friends with my last GF. That sounds a bit dodgy, but it's not.
When I finished with my ex, she phoned her mate to tell her, but couldn't reach her. Her mate was out with her work mates in the pub and hadn't got the call. The mental ex put 2 and 2 together and ridiculously came to the conclusion that I was seeing her mate behind her back, and accused her mate of such. Her mate told her to GTF and they haven't spoken since.
A few weeks later her mate sent me a message, we went out, and the rest is history. Meanwhile the mental ex is now telling all and sundry that we were at it behind her back. Anything to deflect from the fact that I bumped her cos she was a weapons-grade menkle.
tl;dr Bitches be crazy.
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
9 year old girl bitches be skippin(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:27,
Reply)
Cox's be orange pippin(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:33,
Reply)
International delivery companies be shippin(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:34,
Reply)
Diners who feel the service they have received is good be tippin(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:34,
Reply)
People who don't wish to pay money to use the tip be fly tippin'And 1970s black men who do the same be flyyyyyy tippin'
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:39,
Reply)
to be fairif you were with someone and you thought they were getting it on with someone else, and then those people got together when you split up you'd probably think they were getting it on before as well
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:19, Reply)
That's a fair point Quendershowever she a) had absolutely no evidence to prove any of it other than her mate didn't answer her phone when she called her, and b) the mental one never let me out of her sight long enough for me to misbehave anyway - not that I would have.
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)
I can see that, however as I say, I never got a minute to myself, so there's no way I could possibly have been up to no goodPlus when she found out about me and her mate, I did explain to her that it had started many weeks later, and wouldn't have happened in the first place if she hadn't falsely-accused her of seeing me behind her back.
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
But that sounds like a weaselly lieyou CHEATING CUNT.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:52,
Reply)
further graphic descriptions are followingi have begged her to stop. this poor sod, sounds like she just jammed the whole lot up there. if i could cross my legs to cover my arsehole in sympathy, i would.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:18,
Reply)
nomy lack of double-jointed joints get in the way!
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rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:26,
Reply)
Are you gonna share any of this with us?I think we, the jury, need to decide.
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)
Well this has set my imagination going off...But back to the subject - How did he ask? was it actually before / during sexehtime?, or beforehand over a candlelit dinner...?
"Darling, you look simply divine tonight...how about we adjourn upstairs and you can 'pop me the old shocker'?"
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:29,
Reply)
*frantically looks round, puts todger away*Nothing to see here mate, move along now.
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)
Erm...(i) Ooh blimey, carefully I hope
(ii) If she has to ask, then doubtful
(iii) Possibly - if he asks her to wear a big moustache and standard 'Village People' outfit when administering said digit
I have been on the receiving end of far too much information in general lately - Henceforth I am staying off the radar a tad. Nobody should ever tell me anything...
alt: I used to go batshit at her with various knives, sticks and wotnot, and she would beat the living shit out of me, then take me out for drinks. I preferred the drinks part.
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:25,
Reply)
alt: The vastly-overrated Bodeans in SohoNever, in the field of human dining, has so much been said by so many, with so little justification, about the quality of food in a restaurant - AND the portion size, which I had been led to believe would render the requirement of a starter unnecessary.
Having received my main course, I was half expecting to be handed the bill by JIMMY FUCKING HILL.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:28,
Reply)
Still, it was worth the small, shit ribs and soggy, flaccid chips to meet my luvverly missus.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:33,
Reply)
My mother in law told me that she gave her husband a blowjob whilst he was driving.I met my wife in a bar in North Soho, the champagne tasted odd though.
Nah not really, I picked her out of a mental, frigid, stress heads catalogue
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:29,
Reply)
I have the subscription for that...(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:30,
Reply)
Which months?...I'll see if I can
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:33,
Reply)
According to my dad, my mother was marketing manager for them(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:35,
Reply)
I think he might now have some clue as to her frigidity towards him...(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:36,
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The possibility of spawning another Boyce?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:38,
Reply)
This was his defence for having an affair.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:38,
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I'm going to have and affair as soon as I can find a hot, young, nymphomaniac, who loves to give head and likes it up the arse.They must also know the correct ingredients in a pasty.
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:40,
Reply)
or you could try to fix your marriage like an adultyou know, instead of going I WANT SEX MORE TYHAN ONCE EVERY SIX WEEKS
how about you take her out somewhere nice, away from the kids, treat her to a spa day and a trip to the salon, try to be 'sexy' (whatever her definiteion of that is) and see what happens when there's no pressure or kids?
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)
Plus if his wife and mother of his children doesn't find him attractive, why would other women?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:45,
Reply)
Its been shit for about three yearsYou don't think i've tried all that shit?
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:16,
Reply)
Give her loads of drugs.MDMA and cocaine should loosen the old waistband.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:19,
Reply)
I got in shit last night because I said once every six weeks is not normalto which she said it is and her sister and mum agree. To which I pointed out that less than 10 times a year is classed as a sexless marriage and asked her what happened to the girl that used to meet me from work wearing a coat with nothing on underneath. She stomped off as usual and then pretended nothing was wrong again in the morning.
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:38,
Reply)
maybe if you weren't so shit in bed and unattractive she would want to sleep with you?(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:40, Reply)
I has crossed my mindbut then three days ago she told me the main reason she wanted to marry me so quickly was that I was good in bed. Which was great for the ego but didn't help considering I haven't even tried out my newly healed nuts yet.
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:42,
Reply)
Sounds like she might be overstressed and a bit depressed.Have you tried switching her off and back on again?
Or, slightly more seriously, have you tried asking her how she feels, making sure she knows you have no ulterior sexy motives? Could she possibly have a touch of PND from little Darth Vader's birth?
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:43,
Reply)
Your saying he should just force her, right?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:46,
Reply)
Or as PJ would prefer to put it:Use the force.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:47,
Reply)
hahaha 10/10Get your 'shite sabre' out
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:48,
Reply)
My mate Fraz had sex with his Mrs the other night...and he reckons it was the first time since sometime in 2010.
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:43, Reply)
...when he was still in prison(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:49,
Reply)
Road noshes are brilliant.You get a thumbs up from lorry drivers, who can all see through your sunroof.
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Kroney, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:42,
Reply)
Never had oneI think I need to get a drivers licence first as I don't think Dominic my driving instructor would be up for it.
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:43,
Reply)
Alt: my parents were both in the army when they met.My mum says he walked through her office one day, and she had no idea who he was, had never met him before or anything, and she heard this voice in her head say 'I'm going to marry that man'.
ooooh, spooky.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 15 May 2012, 11:31,
Reply)
THE VOICES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT*rocks back and forth*
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:35,
Reply)
Doesn't it make you witty and charming?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:39,
Reply)
One of my friends is married. His wife's brothers are some of the more adventurous men I know.The youngest brother was given the nickname "digit" after he told everyone about how a girl in a club tried to chat him up by slipping him a finger.
He said it wasn't all that bad.
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Kroney, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:32,
Reply)
Last "ewwww" one I can think of is when my mate Chris announced during my stag dothat his fart had been upgraded to a shart and he had shit himself ... again
Alt:
Mrs Cow used to work in our place
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:51,
Reply)
Can I hijack to ask an unrelated question?I gave my Brother in Law a Dual Xeon Processors PC as I thought he could do with a decent rig. He phoned me up and told me he was selling it to a mate and wanted to see what I thought it was worth. At no point did he offer to give it back or spilt the proceeds with me. I asked my sister whether I would be getting a cut of this and she went off on one saying once you give someone something its theirs to do as they please, but I feel that its different to a birthday or Christmas present and that he should at least offer to give it back if he doesn't want it.
Am I totally wrong again?
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:55,
Reply)
oh joe, why does everyone hate you so much? :'(you seem nice enough
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)
He sent me some good things in the post.I feel bad for shagging his missus so often now.
Apparently I've 'spoilt sex with him for ever' because I'm 'so good'.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:58,
Reply)
Sounds like you're not going to be getting a shag from your sister anytime soon either.(, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)
Your brother in law is a cunt and a cheeky one at that(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:57,
Reply)
at least one member of that family is fucking you(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:58,
Reply)
His sister's husbandnot his wife's brother.
If a member of his own family is fucking him, PJ's problems just entered a whole new level of Norfolk.
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Kroney, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:08,
Reply)
Nakers is your sister's husband?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:09,
Reply)
I left the s off "his"how did you get "my" out of that, you half-blind, mental old goat?
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Kroney, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:10,
Reply)
'Hi sister's husband'in reply to Nakers = you were saying hello to him and he's your sister's husband.
I know English isn't your first language but really, come on Gaston, get a fucking grip.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:12,
Reply)
Norfolk was his problem anyway(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:10,
Reply)
No. The bloke's a cheeky cunt and should fuck off.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 11:59,
Reply)
Why would it make her gay?Does asking him to go down on her make her a lesbian?
(, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:03, Reply)
Fucking right it does.The dirty fucking lezzer.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:08,
Reply)
Someone's getting awfully defensive here...(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:11,
Reply)
she's got each finger up a different bloke as we speak, and she's a massive rug muncher(, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:19, Reply)
She's like a pooey punch and judy man.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:37,
Reply)
Billy Ocean was just on in the warehouse.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:11,
Reply)
Who is Billy Ocean?Sounds like someone who would work the club scene in Yorkshire
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:20,
Reply)
Monty's bossduring his tours
(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:29,
Reply)
'Ee wouldn't last faaive minutes oop thurr.Black as t'ace o' spades, that one.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:35,
Reply)
Probably think he was a miner(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:36,
Reply)
I know I'm not supposed to post news linksBut HOLY FUCK! www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-18065515
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:24,
Reply)
It's some cunt's 'lucky heather'(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:33,
Reply)
RUN AWAY FROM THE INCONSEQUENTIAL NEWS ITEM!!!!!!!!(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:30,
Reply)
Holy fuck what?'False alarm security alert at Paddy airport'?
Not exactly 'WWIII breaks out' is it?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:29,
Reply)
it's his enthusiasm for completely uninteresting things that put his wife off to begin with(, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:31, Reply)
Do I really need to pull out the Thats the Joke picture?Its not news is it. Object found on plane, object turns out to be object. HOLD THE FRONT PAGE!
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Peej, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:44,
Reply)
Apparently you do.Soz PJ. Soz.
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:56,
Reply)
Brooks looks like a bloke in a wig more than ever in the picture on the top right.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:29,
Reply)
I think you'd get a good raping off herShe'd ride you until it snapped off
(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:32,
Reply)
Then punch you one cf Ross Kemp(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:33,
Reply)
Sounds very much like it may have been an intimate item that takes batteriesjudging by the careful non-description.
(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:36,
Reply)
she was a friend of folks I know but we got it on at a night out in a club.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:24,
Reply)
Our bugtracking system is sending out a summary of all unresolved errors to everybody in its mailing listincluding external suppliers and people who have left the company. They have deleted the subscription but it's still sending them, so now they're proposing to turn it off and back on again. An IT classic.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:25,
Reply)
Bet it works thoughThe list will be cached somewhere
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:28,
Reply)
I put it to you that it answers the questionalbeit not the spirit of it.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:37,
Reply)
I can't even remember what the question was(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:38,
Reply)
when was the last time someone shared too much with you? what was it?(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:40,
Reply)
Thanks.I return to my office, close the door, start eating my tuna and sweetcorn baguette for lunch and decide to have a look at OT. So finding posts about anal fingering and sweetcorn stuck to fingers has been delightful.
Bastards.
(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:38,
Reply)
pleasuredoes your baguette taste a bit nutty?
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:40,
Reply)
"Bog-uette" more like(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 15 May 2012, 12:42,
Reply)
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