The workplace
After about 12 years of being in an all-male office, we have a woman starting this morning. The farting, swearing, general racism, sexism and bullying may have to be curtailed somewhat

What has pissed on your lolchips this morning?

Alt;
Olympics - good or bad
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:21, 92 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

At least that is the tea-making sorted out though.
My chips are permanently soaked in urine, for I am something of a miserable cunt.

Alt: Indifferent.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:26, Reply)

Tea rounds are the elephant in the corner
We do not talk about the tea rounds since COFFEEGATE
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:29, Reply)

Nothing. Yet.
The Olympics were a steaming gush of pebbly diarrhea . I am delighted it is over, until the Monglympics start.

EDIT: start as you mean to go on. Slap her on the arse, say "Alright treacle?" then tell her where the kettle is and that she should do the sandwich run about 11.30.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:30, Reply)

I don't think that is fair.
Working men shouldn't have to wait until 11.30 for a sandwich.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:42, Reply)

This^
I ended up making 3 bacon butties in a row yesterday
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:04, Reply)

I'm back at work after a week off.
:'(
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:39, Reply)

Shut up.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Prick.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:52, Reply)

Cunt.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:55, Reply)

I thought it was 'wanker' next
Then 'cunt'
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:56, Reply)

Twat.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:57, Reply)

It's true!
*cries*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:58, Reply)

So far so good,
Off to work about 10, then we'll see.

Alt. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 8:47, Reply)

I thought it was class
It just got better and better as it went on
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:08, Reply)

Like your mum

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:08, Reply)

I'm with you spotters I thought it was excellent, although it sort if peterd out yesterday
The foreign press has been grudging quite impressed as well.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:12, Reply)

with our coverage too
olympics.time.com/2012/08/08/give-the-bbc-a-gold-medal-a-love-letter-to-britains-olympic-broadcaster/
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:14, Reply)

*prouds*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:20, Reply)

i'm thinking about getting tickets for the paralympics,
Wheelchair rugby is amazing, and there's loads of cool stuff.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:22, Reply)

We are even better in the spazlympics than the proper ones too!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:24, Reply)

That's because we sent so many troops to the middle east to have their legs blown off

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:25, Reply)

forward planning.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:27, Reply)

Thanks "Jimmy Carr"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:32, Reply)

My chips are urine-free this morning
trying out doing things in a different order this morning, seems to work quite well - tea and crumpets THEN shower and shave.

Alt: I got quite excited about it, having seen nothing at all of the previous two Olympics, so I would say "good". Only watched about 30 minutes of the Closing Ceremony though. Also, having Olympic Park only a few miles North-East of me meant I had fuck all chance of seeing any Perseids.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:11, Reply)

Try eating your croissant on the balcony, perhaps washed down with a glass of orange juice and a coffee.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:17, Reply)

I used to have a balcony, not any more though
by which I mean I moved, not that my lardy frame was too much for it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:20, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:24, Reply)

seamless

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:27, Reply)

the only way I can tell it's not me is that I don't own a stripy tie

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:29, Reply)

I am a true artist.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:30, Reply)

true piss
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:31, Reply)

This is also correct.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:32, Reply)

It seems that Personality Horse have written a song just for Kroney
www.b3ta.com/links/Death_Of_A_Moth_Where_Is_The_Justice
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:15, Reply)

The Olympics were fantastic
and anyone who says otherwise is a soul-less miserable excuse for a Battered.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:18, Reply)

agreeing with Mr. Scarpe.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:23, Reply)

I am slightly suspicious that I wouldn't have enjoyed it nearly as much
if we'd been shit.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:26, Reply)

possibly,
We're going to struggle to top it next time in Rio.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:28, Reply)

After all the fuss that has been made about how successful we have been
I would be interested* to see how our increase in medals compares with the average increase, usually achieved by the host nation.

*Well, not that interested.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Slightly better
The last two host nations had a just under a 50% increase on their previous performance. We had just over.

That's based on Golds. I don't know about overall.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:38, Reply)

The head of UK Athletics set a target of 8 track and field medals and we only got 6
Although 4 were gold, which most people seem to think makes up for it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:31, Reply)

It definitely helped.
But equally I loved being at the Mens 50K Walk on Saturday and we didn't feature anywhere near the front of that.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:39, Reply)

i agree, although I have zero interest in the mongylympics

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:24, Reply)

Turned down for a place again?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:25, Reply)

yeah, apparently being "bent" isn't a disability
who knew?!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:26, Reply)

this^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:24, Reply)

Back to work after a week off
And every application and mailbox I need to do my job has been wiped. Fuck's sake, I don't leave 'til Friday.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:25, Reply)

So that's a week of sitting on your arse doing nothing?
Congratulations dude.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:32, Reply)

Not a chance.
Besides, I'd be bored rigid after half a day.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:35, Reply)

Inform the powers that be and then sit back until they've sorted the issue
I had a similar thing with a big upgrade to my laptop. The Germans needed it so I sent it back to them on a Friday, come Monday they were calling me to see why I hadn't logged in etc etc. The reply 'You've got the laptop' was the cue for the MD to rip the German IT guy several new ones as he could have updated me remotely. Didn't get the laptop back util the Friday. Win!
In other news, so far today my chips have been urine-free. I expect this state of affairs to change, however
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Already done.
Bloody IT monkeys.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:38, Reply)

OOK!

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:52, Reply)

A woman? In the workplace? My god, they'll be letting them vote and drive next.
Nothing has pissed on my lolchips, I've had a belting few days. Gig, cinema, carnival and teh pub.
Alt, wasn't that arsed really, it seems to have pleased the flag waving proles, and given the politicos/royal twats a chance to wave and press flesh, so that's no chance of a revolution for the next few years.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:32, Reply)

A woman in the workplace can be a blessing and a curse
What type of office is it? What gets done there? There's always the danger of a loose comment sparking some godawful-serious sexism claim so be careful!!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:38, Reply)

It is a closed office with 12 blokes in
who shout and swear at each other all day. I fear the worst
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:42, Reply)

blimey, [sporters' home town] finally reaches the 60's
it's monday. i have left over pasta for lunch, and i hate leftovers. it will end up in the bin as i get seduced by the spicy moroccan soup at EAT or something. and i have sweaty yoga tonight.

is that enough piss for you, pissmerchant??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:44, Reply)

It isn't my fault that no female ICT staff have applied for a job here in a decade

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:47, Reply)

Isn't it?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Tits or GTFO is a normal interview question, isn't it?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Only if interviewing a fat bloke

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:53, Reply)

He's an IT bod, they're all fat

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:00, Reply)

^ this ^

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:01, Reply)

'Sweaty yoga'*
Is that the one that's done in a very hot room? My mate's G/F started it about 12 months ago and swears by it - seems to have done her (already smashing) figure some good too!



*Could also be a euphemism for athletic sex in contrived positions.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:49, Reply)

yep
it gets lots of pro's and con's by people who know what they are talking about, but i thought i'd give it a go for at least 10 sessions and see if i feel any improvement.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:01, Reply)

Do you actually really mean "people who know what they are talking about"
Or do you mean "personal trainers and nutritionists" ?

In other news, morning petal.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:17, Reply)

Will it shite
Induct her by pointing at the kitchen and saying "THERE'S YOUR DESK BITCH". Give her a damn good inducting.

Alt: Good, obviously. Amazing, in fact. Apart from last night, that was just fucking embarrassing for all concerned.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Last night's closing ceremony was, errr, a bit shit really

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:47, Reply)

Yes it was
What are the worst things about being British? The newspapers, Oasis and Russell fucking Brand. So let's celebrate all three!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:52, Reply)

The Octobus thing was OK

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:57, Reply)

I was bored by the time the athletes came out, so went to bed

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:58, Reply)

Give it a couple of days
you might find she can fart, swear, bully, and racelol better than you.
Lolchips are average, no-one else in the office today so I am the master of my small corner of the Universe. This does have the downside of having to make my own coffee, though.
alt: The Olympics were great, apart from Paul McCartney and that cunt from Oasis - if you can't sing in tune, please fuck off and don't bother.

Anyone else find it ironic that a political party that's spent the last 30+ years indoctrinating us on assigning a cost to everything, and that nothing exists unless it can be counted,measured,and costed to the nth degree, is now extolling the virtue of volunteering, ie working for nothing?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Liam Gallagher was embarrassing last night
See also: Ray Davies "hair"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:52, Reply)

Only last night?
He's generally shit on a daily basis.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:03, Reply)

POLITICS ON THE INTERNET,
BEGIN THATCHER COUNTDOWN!
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:52, Reply)

Given how much of the public purse they shovelled onto their mates in the private sector for the games
they couldn't have afforded to pay all the staff.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:52, Reply)

Rio 2016 is going to be very interesting though
Judging by their display last night, athletes are going to be piss-tested to make sure they're on drugs
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:55, Reply)

I wonder how many of Rio's "underclasses" will be "moved on" in the build up to the games

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Just as well they don't test the opening/closing ceremony participants for drugs...
More irony, Jessie J singing about how it's not about the money/bling - from the back of a Rolls Royce.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:00, Reply)

Was it a roller or a BMW? BMW are one of the olympic partners.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:02, Reply)

All new Rollers are BMWs underneath
BMW bought RR, Audi bought Bentley. The Minis are BMWs and MG is Chinese.
The only British car under 10 or so years old in the closing ceremony was the LT1 London taxi.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:08, Reply)

We've had a woman here for a while. It was an awkward transitional period
but I found that if you pat them on the bum and call them "pet" they seem happy enough. A cursory "sorry, love" seems to be fine if the occasional spot of manly behaviour accidentally happens. If they do something right every now and again make sure to say "eeee, good job, sweet'eart".

I've helpfully regionalised the speech for you.
( Kroney, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:57, Reply)

It's like some kind of instruction manual, thanks

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:59, Reply)

It's a trick, real men never read the instructions

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Certainly not IT staff

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:05, Reply)

what the actual fuck
farting noxious gases, belching contests and scratching one's knackers are not examples of "manly behaviour", dude
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Sorry, love
*pats arse*
( Kroney, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:05, Reply)

*there there*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:05, Reply)

Bless 'em. Cant live with 'em...

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:07, Reply)

I went for a job interview in a terribly PC public service office once.
They asked me what I would do if I was in an office with men and they started making sexist jokes. They weren't very pleased with my answer of "If they were funny, I'd probably join in."

Hatchet faced miserable old slags.

Alt: I was all prepared to hate it and say we couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, and then they spoiled it all by being all efficient and successful, and staging a fantastic fortnight's sport.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:12, Reply)

It was quite remarkable
that almost everything at the site that was wholly contracted out was fucked up, but the stuff they organised themselves worked pretty brilliantly. It's not a massive endorsement of the private sector approach to it all, tbh.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:21, Reply)

My industry is weird
I've never come across a male SEO specalist or a female developer.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:17, Reply)

ANOTHER EXCITING CONTRIBUTION

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:22, Reply)

If you don't pat her on the arse and make comments like "You don't get many of them to the pound eh!"
Then you are likely to upset her. Women like to be made to feel like women. I suggest a firm smack on the arse and an offer of a fuck in the photocopying room will do wonders for her self esteem.
( Peej, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 10:18, Reply)