For fear of a stepping
I would totally "do" all of your Mums.

New Year resolutions have been conspicuous by there absence. Go!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:05, 178 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I am going to try and cut down.
On most things. Specifically booze. Perhaps.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:06, Reply)

Gay.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:07, Reply)

I'd rather be gay.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:08, Reply)

Than dead.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:08, Reply)

Haha get to fuck are you.

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:09, Reply)

I only said it to start a thread.
Definitely less "chinky".
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:09, Reply)

Even mine?
You sick fuck.

Gym more, drink less.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:08, Reply)

A sensible policy for a happier AA.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:09, Reply)

I can't see how this could make anyone happier.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:10, Reply)

From humble acorns do Smughenges grow.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:12, Reply)

Are you pissed already?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:14, Reply)

I haven't touched a drop for over 48 hours.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:14, Reply)

I fucking hate teetotallers.

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:15, Reply)

I got sick of trying to stick my pee pee up my bum bum.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:16, Reply)

Yep!
Well, that's the intention anyway. Want to make my arms stronger, they're still mostly useless.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:33, Reply)

I resolve to avoid pointing out to people when they have made a simple mix up whilst typing easily confused words.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:10, Reply)

What, even Nakers?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:11, Reply)

Sorry, what I meant was New Year's resolutions are bent and only for the weak and needy.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:12, Reply)

I resolve to be a vegetarian.
The menu options seem endless.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:13, Reply)

It saves on wasting time deciding what to have when eating out.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:15, Reply)

drink more
new years eve was the drunkest I've been in years and much fun.

eat less and cycle more, too much time sick has made me a tubby tubster.

I should probably try to worry less too.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:16, Reply)

Do you worry about how much worrying you do?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:17, Reply)

yup.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:19, Reply)

Lose three stone
That's about it. Oh no, wait, get off the antidepressants.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:19, Reply)

unless you've piled it on sisnce I last saw you, you don't have 3 stone to loose.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:20, Reply)

Maybe he means from his bumhole

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:22, Reply)

I've put on a bit since then
and I wanted to shift some even then. I wear it quite well. Dancer's posture, etc
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:23, Reply)

3 stone?
You are only about 10 stone piss wet through.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:21, Reply)

Er... we haven't met...
*frantically checks bushes for camoflage hidey-holes*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:23, Reply)

I have seen that picture of you dancing. You know.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:24, Reply)

Unfortunately that picture is 3 years old
Thankfully, and this may be why I've taken my eye off the ball appearance-wise, Ms Foxtrot hasn't visibly aged a day.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:26, Reply)

It's gay slang.
He means he's taken a "pound"ing from 42 different guys and now he's leaking spooge from his ears.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:24, Reply)

This mental image
made me officelol in a manner most conspicuous.

Click.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:25, Reply)

officelol bang my hardon on the underside of my desk
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:29, Reply)

I fucking wish
My chair doesn't go to within an inch of the underside
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:30, Reply)

Oh dear
as a dearly departed friend once quoth "you need it to be big enough to hold in both hands and a swan to perch on the end with its feet at ten to two."
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:34, Reply)

Oh, I can totally do that
Luckily I have hands like Beadle* and I assume you mean Swan Vesta

*Maroon 5's less successful etc
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:36, Reply)

bastard
i am laughing
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:39, Reply)

Is everyone who makes you laugh a bastard?
Is that why everyone hates Spanky?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:42, Reply)

no
you're a bastard for making me sing "oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh he's got the hands like beadle" inside my head.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:45, Reply)

You know what you need?
CARLY RAE JEPSON
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:49, Reply)

You swine!
Nobody needs that!
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:51, Reply)

Guaranteed to remove any known earworm
and replace it, obviously
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Aha, but
I use the Pink Panther music, removes others but doesn't stick.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:00, Reply)

I use "Brass in Pocket" in a similar way

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:01, Reply)

I had no idea that such thought had been put into the matter

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Earworms is srs bsns

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:12, Reply)

Eat less and cheer up!
Hope this helps.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:22, Reply)

Let me guess
Do you also solve the problem of insomnia with "just fall asleep"?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:26, Reply)

I can cure all manner of ills with a simple "Pull yourself together, man"

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:28, Reply)

God knows why you're not a doctor

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:30, Reply)

Sensible answer:
Eat less, drink less, exercise more, be a better Dad

Non-sensible answer:
Learn to juggle
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:21, Reply)

For me it's the drinking at work.
To be honest, it's the only time I feel like doing it.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:22, Reply)

I normally only pub on a Friday lunchtime
This is not stopping
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:25, Reply)

To be honest, that's not being entirely honest, now is it?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:30, Reply)

No.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:33, Reply)

More sensible answer: Support a better team.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:34, Reply)

christ, i have loads
1 - lose a stone
2 - go to the gym/yoga 3-5 times a week
3 - sort out my finances so i actually save something each month
4 - be 5 mins early for everything instead of 10 mins late
5 - keep my bedroom as tidy as the rest of the anally clean flat
6 - learn a new skill, maybe baking
7 - be in work pre-8.30am every day
8 - wear make-up and smooth hair to work
9 - be more patient with trainees and underlings
10 - cut out diet coke unless it's in the pub and served with vodka
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:22, Reply)

Get more free holidays?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:24, Reply)

naturally
are you offering?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:27, Reply)

Maybe.
Have you been to Bognor? I understand that The Sun are doing a nice £9.95 holiday at Haven.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:34, Reply)

will you stroke my arse and call me judy?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:38, Reply)

No, but he'll punch you.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:38, Reply)

Yes, Judy.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:38, Reply)

*pouts*

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:40, Reply)

11 - give Battered the sympathy shag he so clearly craves
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:25, Reply)

the man has taste

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:27, Reply)

2013 is the year of MORE.
MORE booze
MORE drugs
MORE lolz with kid (ideally my own but I'm open to offers)
MORE Lambeth Walk
MORE 4
MORE on
MORE peth in Northumberland
MORE ton Harket
MORE bidly obese

ETC ETC ETC need I say MORE?????
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:26, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArSveVLlfg0
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:27, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rtn06ZW9Xm0
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:29, Reply)

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:27, Reply)

Reeves and MORE timer have never been funny.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:39, Reply)

i have a question
what is the point of welsh, please?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:38, Reply)

The language or the people?
Tread very carefully here
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:40, Reply)

the bureaucracy which means that any forms
have to come printed in both languages, which means 3 x as much paper because welsh is so self-indulgent and LONG, and free translators/advice for welsh speakers which the english do not get, but i presume we pay for. roar.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:44, Reply)

That is the most middle-class bit of moral crusading I've ever seen

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:54, Reply)

It's a beautiful-sounding ancient language which provides a direct connection to Britain's pre-Roman past?
Need anything else?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:41, Reply)

it sounds like an oyster gargling snot
and you know it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:43, Reply)

I couldn't agree less.
I'd go with 'mellifluous', myself. I like the language, the country and the people.

(esp. a certain mr S. Stevens.)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:45, Reply)

i hope this is sarcasm

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:46, Reply)

It isn't at all.
I like the curmudgeonly buggers a lot, and I truly believe the sound of the language to be musical and pleasant on the ears. It's the closest to a 'pure' Celtic tongue still in use (sorry Paddies).
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:49, Reply)

plus, excellent magic mushrooms

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Bollocks
It sounds lovely. One of the few British accents not to make the speaker sound thick as fuck.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:45, Reply)

blah blah bach boyo
no no no, darth the dance. NO.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:46, Reply)

Look, I'm agreeing with Monty here
MONTY

I wouldn't do that unless I was spectacularly right.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:51, Reply)

right drunk
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Not touched a drop this year
which I appreciate is not yet an impressive claim
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:01, Reply)

I picked up a few cans to abate my hangover on New Years Day
Finished them, along with a bottle of wine last night. Fucking terrible idea, just glad they're gone though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:08, Reply)

Yeah I was the same on NYE
Must... drink... all... available... booze...
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:12, Reply)

That's bullshit and you know it.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:47, Reply)

No it isn't
hence I do not
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:50, Reply)

Stacy, from 'Gavin And Stacy' sounds like a fucking retard.
Nice tits though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:58, Reply)

What the juddering fuck are you doing watching that godawful shite?!

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:59, Reply)

I once caught a few minutes of it
That was enough. She gets her tits out in Love Actually.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:06, Reply)

Oh yeah, that was her.
That Keira Knightley gets hers out in Domino.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:08, Reply)

She also got them out in 'The Hole'
However, she was so flat chested, you could barely tell.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:09, Reply)

I don't mind them.
I'm more nice vs nasty than big vs small.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:10, Reply)

You two are Seth Rogen's mates from Knocked Up AICMFP
A film in which, VERY annoyingly, Katherine Heigl resolutely keeps her bra on during bang-bang.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:10, Reply)

Tbh, there aren't many breasts from film that I have committed to mammory
Erika Eleniak still has the finest pair IMHO. Jamie Lee Curtis' aren't bad though, mind.

Also, I've barely seen any Seth Rogen films.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:12, Reply)

So assuming equal attractiveness in all other areas
saggy tits and great body or great tits but saggy body?
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:13, Reply)

When you say "all other areas"
the body does take up quite a lot of those. I assume you mean face. I'd go for great tits and saggy arse over the reverse, but if the legs are swathed in cellulite, that's a dealbreaker /LizLemonlols
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:15, Reply)

I once mentioned that an ex of mine had developed cellulite so bad that Stevie Wonder could read it.
Someone told her.

Not a good night.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:16, Reply)

The writings on the wall for that relationship

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:16, Reply)

Well, I meant face, personality, intelligence
and all that other shit straight men don't give a fuck about.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:17, Reply)

Ah, this is a theoretical situation whereby I am
a) single
b) on the lookout
c) attractive to women
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:23, Reply)

One girl from last year had possibly the most pert breasts I've ever seen in a larger bra.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:15, Reply)

I've got a proper Hobbes choice at the moment.
In such situations I usually answer "both" and get in trouble.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:16, Reply)

Ask Calvin

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Apparently it's "Hobson's Choice" and I've completely misused it, anyway.

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:24, Reply)

It is and you have.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:26, Reply)

Hey Tangles, welcome to the shallow end of the internet.

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:28, Reply)

Don't ask Calvin then
He won't know
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:28, Reply)

That's the most disgusting euphemism I've ever heard.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:45, Reply)

:)

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:46, Reply)

So you don't have to pay up if you lose a bet.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:41, Reply)

It's a Brythonic language from the same root as Manx and Breton.
Originally it was spoken by everybody in the south of Britain before the language was supplanted during the Saxon cultural revolution.

Happy to help.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:49, Reply)

I hereby resolve, over the course of this New Year
to treat women with the respect they deserve.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:40, Reply)

*pisses self*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:41, Reply)

*pisses on nearest female colleague*

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:43, Reply)

None at all, then?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:43, Reply)

define "the course of this New Year"
because 1 jan has been and gone
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:43, Reply)

Get in the van.

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:47, Reply)

just for you:
www.quibblo.com/quiz/CK6V3d/Will-you-die-alone
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Close to perfect
person who has balance and a good idea of what it takes to have a good, long lasting relationship

Bet you weren't expecting that, old boy.
( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:53, Reply)

how many attempts did that take?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:00, Reply)

Just the one.

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:04, Reply)

Two observations upon completing the quiz;
1) I'm a fucking pushover, but that's not news
2) Whoever put that together CANNOT spell
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:00, Reply)

"Underware"

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:04, Reply)

What the fuck is that site?
Is that where you went when you flounced?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:06, Reply)

I never really flounced.
I just posted under another name.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:17, Reply)

MODS

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Who were you?
No one shit, I hope.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:25, Reply)

Right.
Pub for me. See you in a bit.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:44, Reply)

LOL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:46, Reply)

"Lots Of Lager"

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Only kidding.
I'm totes off the booze.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 11:57, Reply)

<s>booze</s>
+shandy
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:01, Reply)

no resolutions as such,
But I've joined a gym and am going to try lose a bit of weight. Although, eating 6 days a week in the pub is doing the most damage, so imma cut that down a bit.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:23, Reply)

May I also suggest that you try to cut down
on saying "imma"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:24, Reply)

FALCON PUNCH

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:25, Reply)

STOP CLOUTING ME IN THE FANNY

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:30, Reply)

I'd have done it to Winders, but he's bigger than me and has a shillelagh under the bar.

( Kroney, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:31, Reply)

BATTERED'S POSTING UNDER ANOTHER NAME
or Winders is a big chap. One or the other
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:33, Reply)

Does it annoy you?
If it does imma do it a whole lot more.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:32, Reply)

Depends. Are you;
a) a huge black gangsta rapper?

or

b) bigger than me?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jan 2013, 12:33, Reply)