It would seem Gonz has got a job cooking for the NHS
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23861940 (apart from the last dish).

Tell me your cooking woes.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:41, 116 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

I once got a bread maker thinking it was a good idea
It turned out to be the most expensive air freshener I ever bought
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:44, Reply)

I use mine quite a lot.
AND the breadmaker!!!11!!!
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:46, Reply)

The bread always comes out to heavy
My handmade bread is Nom.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:47, Reply)

breadmaker's OK for a couple of things
sadly, neither of those are "making bread"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:51, Reply)

Good for pizza bases.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:52, Reply)

I can never be arsed to make bread.
made some nice seeded wholemeal stuff a few times, just seems a lot of effort, with Sainsburys nearby.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:54, Reply)

Home made bread still warm from the oven with butter is unbeatable

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:56, Reply)

I dunno.
fucking really attractive blonde twins probably runs it close.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:58, Reply)

Ohhhhh got me there

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:14, Reply)

FFS Mighters
blonde brunette
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:16, Reply)

^^^^^This

There's an "artisan" bakery (actually, it's a shop staffed by headwrongs of various types)near me which sells all sorts of bread quite cheaply.I just go there.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

It's not totally awful for mixing the dough.
but pizza dough is much better if you let them rise somewhere cool for about 12 hours rather than in the warm.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:54, Reply)

Or you can buy a pizza for a six quid instead and have it in 20 minuites.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

you'd struggle to buy a decent pizza in Italy for £6
I'd be fucking astounded if you can get one in london for that.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:59, Reply)

I know someone who can get a really good pizza whilst living in London rent free
delivered with meat so the other person will not want any for free
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:15, Reply)

Main bedroom door is always locked though. Which is a bit strange apparently.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:25, Reply)

best pizza I've eaten outside Italy is 6.95 and huge.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:24, Reply)

^ This ^
You have to buy a special raising agent online or a pre-packaged mix from the super market, makes it uneconomical
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:53, Reply)

no you don't
dried yeast and strong flour is fine. It just doesn't make very interesting bread.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:55, Reply)

I have a windmill just near me that I buy my flour from
All my handmade bread comes out really good, the bread-maker just makes door stops and huge paper weights
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:00, Reply)

I have one
it took about 5-6 failures before I got the method right but now I wake up to a fresh loaf every morning and its way cheaper than shop bought bread.
( Peej, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:55, Reply)

Burnt summink innit.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:44, Reply)

^ Alfred ^

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:48, Reply)

I once burnt 1200 calories in 30 minuites


lololololetc
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:55, Reply)

This looks better than most you post on here

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:56, Reply)

hahahahahaha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

Worst still, it's not even mine, I just googled 'burnt pizza' =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

That's the reason why it looks better than most you post on here then

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:01, Reply)

does that have ketchup on it?
fucking hell, Gonz.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

25p please

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:15, Reply)

I microwaved my socks.
They melted. I wasn't actually going to eat them. I've Baked Alaska before, never worked.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:52, Reply)

I don't care what they say.... pasta, salad cream and crispy calv's liver is great.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:52, Reply)

only so many Calv(in)'s to go around

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:54, Reply)

I microwaved a pair of boxers once
out of the washing machine, to desperately try and dry them. It didn't work.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:56, Reply)

You should have put your I-phone on charge at the same time

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

...why?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:59, Reply)

to get to the other side

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:00, Reply)

Look up I-phone microwave charger hoax

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:04, Reply)

At least you did it after they were washed.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:59, Reply)

Were the puppies or fully gronw?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:00, Reply)

very good sir.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:01, Reply)

What am I talking about? If you were to do that, it would be....
You on a white stallion riding up to the gates of a castle, yelling so loudly that they lower the moat door, then charging through the long-hall on top of the carefully laid out table. Then climbing the heighest tower to the very top where a fair maden was being carefully guarded by these two 'boxers', who are actually the hounds of hell. And with a roaring fireplace, you would pick up these hounds by the scruff of their neck and throw them into the washing machine with such might that the door locked behind them.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:03, Reply)

oh, well played sir.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:09, Reply)

Yeah microwaving clothes not a good idea.
My socks must have a bit of nylon in them, they cracked popped and began to melt.
A sort of blue lightning ran over them too.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:01, Reply)

there is nothing wrong with
sweet and sour fishfingers
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

I think he's doing it wrong Cavy
Just saying
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

HH wins!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:59, Reply)

*bows twices*

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:03, Reply)

Enough of your sexlife thank you.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:57, Reply)

too slow, battered

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 15:59, Reply)

Is it correct that CQ banged you?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:00, Reply)

no

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:02, Reply)

I think you're lying.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:03, Reply)

i'm not
but you can fantasise about what you like
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:05, Reply)

Were you just blowing him up?

*Sorry*
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:04, Reply)

......... might have once or twice applied a sweet'n'sour sauce to a fillet o'fish.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:00, Reply)

I once left a pan of pasta on the stove and went to watch tv, it caught fire in the end.
But my favourite story was my room mate and best man were in my flat whilst I was in Reading. They came home from the pub and put some food under the grill. They both then fell asleep. The neighbours were woken by the smoke alarms and came out to look. The people across the street saw someone around my flat and called the police. The police came and heard the alarms and tried the front door. It was unlocked. They went in and found my mates asleep on the sofa in a room full of smoke, they picked them up and carried them out which woke them up. They stood in the front garden, one in his boxers only not having a clue what was going on when a police man came out holding the grill pan with the food still smoking away. They next morning when they woke up they had forgotten all about it until one went in to the kitchen and found the other eating the charred kebabs off the grill pan.
( Peej, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:00, Reply)

I had to pop out to Carluccios over the road from Chelsea and Westminster hospital to buy mrs ape every meal while she was in with mini ape

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:01, Reply)

Carluccios is terrible. Overpriced crap.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:02, Reply)

As is Jamie's.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:03, Reply)

Never been.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:03, Reply)

Jamiie's is actually OK.
Well, the one in the City is.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:07, Reply)

I can only speak for the one near me. It's awful and very expensive.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:11, Reply)

It's fucking Nom.
Second only to Cafe Rouge.

Have you read the anti-food blog in the Newsletter? It's quite funny.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:06, Reply)

Gay boy cancelled.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:07, Reply)

Not surprised.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:07, Reply)

We still 'doing speakers' tomorrow?
EDIT: Stereos - Monty is kindly giving me some speakers.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:13, Reply)

Yep.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:17, Reply)

Splendid.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:17, Reply)

I am overdue another trip to Hawksmoor.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:19, Reply)

Now we're talking.
Nice marrowbone starter. For strong teeth and a healthy coat.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:22, Reply)

YEAH.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:22, Reply)

compared to hospital food?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:16, Reply)

The food in private hospitals I have been in has been pretty good.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:17, Reply)

I ordered beer and wine with dinner in a private hospital!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:19, Reply)

Me too!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:20, Reply)

god, you're a prick

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:19, Reply)

They have hospitals just for your penis?
Do you just leave it with them and go off for the day or do you get to stay with it
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:49, Reply)

I've never had hospital food TRUFAX

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:23, Reply)

That can easily be rectified.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:24, Reply)

does your sig apply to women?
if so, I am totally offended
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:04, Reply)

it applies to Battered taht's what is importnat

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:17, Reply)

What a wanker

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:18, Reply)

Yer, but what about Battered?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:24, Reply)

The cravings
My wife had one for Victoria Plums
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:05, Reply)

the doll with the purple dress
and flower hat?

(which I had wallpaper of when I was 8)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:06, Reply)

Woah

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:10, Reply)

+ shoved up her like fruity love eggs

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:19, Reply)

What sauce shall I do for tonight's ribs?
Bored of barbecue, thinking something on a chili line.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:04, Reply)

Lime, honey & chili works well.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:05, Reply)

This sounds nice.
Need to get some limes on the way home.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:14, Reply)

Also works well with chicken thighs.
I may cook this tonight now.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:21, Reply)

Not as well as a jar of Chicken Tonight.
Which was as nice as London Tonight.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:23, Reply)

Have you been drinking?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:23, Reply)

No, mate. Sober as a judge.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:26, Reply)

I'll just come round to yours and let you cook.
And get some ales in.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:23, Reply)

BATTERED YOU'VE PULLED

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:26, Reply)

Piri Piri
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:05, Reply)

sweet chilli
everything should be sweet chilli
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:05, Reply)

How about something mint based, like some kind of mojito?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:09, Reply)

FFS.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:14, Reply)

Well, you already too the ovbouse answer.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:19, Reply)

Root beer and molasses plenty of pepper, salt, fennel and chilli flakes

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:09, Reply)

^THIS IS A VERY GOOD COMBO^

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:21, Reply)

No one cares

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:22, Reply)

A bit like your album then

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:26, Reply)

poo and wee

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:11, Reply)

+wee and poo lots of things to see and do

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:11, Reply)

how about something mustard based
seeing as you like mustard gassing muslims so much
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:17, Reply)

shove them up your mum's cunt, they come out soft and juicy and falling off the bone with a delightfully savory finish reminiscent of the sea

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:19, Reply)

I had a friend who decided to roast some chestnuts. In the microwave.
I asked him what happened. He replied, "There were some funny noises, then it sounded like a machine gun. When I opened the door there was lots of smoke and a little dust but no sign of the chestnuts."
The flid.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:10, Reply)

He bought bullets by mistake?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:12, Reply)

That's what it sounded like, apparently.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:17, Reply)

I do like chestnuts.
My local has an open fire, and a special pan for doing this.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:26, Reply)

At Crimbo we wear ski jumpers, and sing Bing Crosby songs.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:28, Reply)

Nu Tred.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 16:31, Reply)