I bought a bag of satsumas from Tesco.
They've handily labelled them up as "juicy satsumas", which is kind of a shame because I really meant to pick up a bag of the "dried out satsumas" that they've implied they're also selling but ho hum what can you do eh?
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:23, 114 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

THIS WAS WORTH THE MONTHLY WAIT
like period pains and a council tax bill
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:24, Reply)

I'm bored, Nakers.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:27, Reply)

I am chasing paymnets and POs to clear my debt before I leave, IT'S REALLY FUN

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:28, Reply)

Alright "Adele"

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:29, Reply)

10/10

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:42, Reply)

Have you started looking for a job yet?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:28, Reply)

In order to do that, I need to update my CV.
My most recent is on Monster somewhere in Word format. In order to update the Monster version or copy it I need my internet to work, which it currently isn't. In order to edit local copies I'll need Word as every place ever hates Open Office. For that I'll have to nick a copy from work. I am waiting for an opportunity.

So no.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:31, Reply)

^procrastinating

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:37, Reply)

A bit.
The issues are genuine, but I'm probably giving up a little too easily. I'll sort myself out, I'm just out of practice.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:39, Reply)

This does NOT sound like a post about job hunting :/

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:39, Reply)

Try LibreOffice, seems better than OO

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:51, Reply)

FRUIT WOES?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:25, Reply)

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:27, Reply)

Well you could kill yourself.
Please.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:25, Reply)

it's called a selling point.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:27, Reply)

can someone help me?
My bullshit alarm was sounded yesterday by an old friend, and i wanted some thoughts.
He's a maintenance guy for a small student halls thing, it's a small team, him, manager and assistant manager. 95% of residents are students.
Through a long and drawn out set of events, he came accross an email chain between his manager and the previous manager (who had told him on her last day that she hated him and that he made her sick and ruined her life, big HR complaint, she got moved to another department) all about how much they both hate him, and they were going to get him fired and how easy it would be after they got the last 2 maintenance guys fired.
He told HR, and then he was told not to come in for a week while they sort it out. Surely, if all this was true, the manager would be suspended and he would still work?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:29, Reply)

general rule of HR/employment law
they already know whom they want to keep and whom they want to lose...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:31, Reply)

^ this ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:32, Reply)

so, chances are he's going to be out of a job at the end of the week?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:35, Reply)

I hope he kept the email chain with the headers on it to prove they're genuine.
Because if he did he's got a pretty good case for constructive dismissal. If not he's fucked.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:38, Reply)

he emailed the whole chain to himself and forwarded it to the area manager and HR woman.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:40, Reply)

For future reference, it's better to open a new email
copy the offending chain and insert as an attachment. Makes it easier to access the meta data that tells you which IPs processed the forwards etc.

Otherwise it's way too easy to say "oh, he just changed the names in the email chain".
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:42, Reply)

fair enough,
i'l remember that.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

that's pretty shocking
Maybe they are trying to protect the manager. He should threaten to sue unless apopropriate steps are taken asap
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:31, Reply)

this is it,
he seems pretty chill about it all, but he's also the sort of guy that would lie to save face if he'd been fired.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:41, Reply)

At my place they usually suspend the person being complained about.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:32, Reply)

he says, from his sofa

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:32, Reply)

I've been complained about loads of times
and not been suspended or investigated once. IT managers assume, usually correctly, that anybody complaining about IT is just tantruming because they really really really really really wanted access to YouTube and we said no.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:35, Reply)

You think there might be a job opportunity for you there?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:42, Reply)

well, if he gets fired, a cushty maintenance job in a student halls would suit me for a bit yeah.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:45, Reply)

but working for cunts though, by the sound of it

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:48, Reply)

alright K Dogg
Which whiskies have you enjoyed?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:32, Reply)

Teacher's - king of whiskies.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:35, Reply)

no way man
Bell's all the way yo
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:36, Reply)

Among the romantic things I've done to Mrs Vagabond
is stagger into our room at 6am, and tell her proudly, "I've jus drunk borrel of Tesco Value whisky with your brother. Love you - g'night." and fall on top of her, snoring.

It did taste surprisingly palatable at the time, and the shame has made me an even better person.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:40, Reply)

You should have a chat with Windy about that time he couldn't get his boots off.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:41, Reply)

Windy - would you be so good as to provide details regarding the above?
In N'Awlins recently I partook of a couple of bourbons, which I rather enjoyed.

Should this fact further justify me killing myself?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1879668
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:47, Reply)

Having read that and it's responses.
I now feel even more inadequate.

Excellent stuff.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:48, Reply)

Tomintoul 14 and Benromach traditional.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:40, Reply)

I have sampled those.
They must have been passable, I neither love nor detest them. You might like Auchentoshan.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:42, Reply)

They are the first that didn't taste like a mixture of dishwater and turps.
I imagine my palate shall get more sophisticated as I get used to them.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

Indeed.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:49, Reply)

I am loving the Auchentoshan 3 Wood I've got open at the moment*
I have to credit the Doz for the recommendation, it's ridiculously smooth and v tasty, probs why I got absolutely hammered on it last week.

*not at my desk I hasten to add
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:49, Reply)

that's clearly a fucking golf club not a whisky.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:54, Reply)

Hammered with a golf club? We can only hope...

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:09, Reply)

Talisker 10
If I must
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:43, Reply)

Talisker ent nuthin special yo

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:50, Reply)

yeah, but I dont like whiskey and that one is just drinkable

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:52, Reply)

Just when we thought the thread could get no worse

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

On a stag do we drank a limited edition 1 of 12 made bottle of whiskey from 1950-something worth about a grand
i say drank, quite a lot was spat out as fireballs

/lads
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Ardbeg Uigeadail
Bruichladdich Peat

The best I've ever had was from the Malt Whiskey Society though as presents.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:13, Reply)

Was that brand name invented by Gonz?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:19, Reply)

"Tomatoes from the vine"
Well where the fuck else would they come from? Underground?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:35, Reply)

a tin

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:41, Reply)

No.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

That's peaches

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:45, Reply)

from a swan

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:45, Reply)

office lol

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:45, Reply)

Morning men
It is Calf 2's 4th birthday today. I'm sitting in soft play with all the childminders at the moment. They are all munters

I have some rather nice olives to eat when I get back home
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:41, Reply)

Olives are shit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

^level 3 Nakers

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:45, Reply)

No. On this he is correct.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:47, Reply)

^ oh sssooooooooooo much this ^
bitter little bastards
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:48, Reply)

I used to hate them but I'm gradually coming around

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:50, Reply)

they ruin everything
one of my favourite qotw stories:


Why, just WHY??

OK, this doesn't involve poo or nasty body squirtings, just a food stuff that was obviously copied from a picture.

I was in Northern Ireland and at university, so poor. This is the only reason why anyone would eat in the university cafe type place. They managed to suck out all the taste and texture of any food and produce a terrible grey mush. That wasn't the problem when I went in with my two pounds and spied a pizza.

It wasn't a big pizza, but it appeared to be well made. A slice of tomato that was still red, real cheese, two spears of asparragus (no really) and in the middle a black olive. I hadn't had an olive since leaving home, they weren't high on the shopping list (that was beer and fags) so I payed my money and went to enjoy my illicit middleclass olive eating pleasure.

It was a grape

A fucking GRAPE

I can only think that they once saw a picture of a pizza and thought in thier lard addled minds... "oooh that black thing there. It must be a grape, for there are no other black round foods".

I still feel the dissapointment...

(
rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
, Sun 20 May 2007, 13:30, I like this!, More)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:54, Reply)

i lolled heartily at that when it was first written

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:56, Reply)

and me
"lard addled minds". heh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:57, Reply)

Child minders are usually women so ugly that they have to borrow children
because nobody wants to give them their own.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:47, Reply)

bollocks is this true
there are millions of minging mothers.

and an annoying fucktonne of hot nannies in west london.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:48, Reply)

^dusty womb and blobbing^

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:53, Reply)

you ruin everything

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:54, Reply)

This is because Nannying is shit pay
so they have to be hot enough to tempt the father into an affair, and thus get bought off massively in return for their silence.

Or sutin.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:55, Reply)

Basically women are evil.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:56, Reply)

bitches be trippin

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:57, Reply)

it's the stupidly high heels they insist on wearing.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:59, Reply)

some of us manage to walk in sky high heels
but fall on our faces in nike air max :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Snakes with tits. The lot of them.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:01, Reply)

This is why there's no point going out with ugly ones.
They're all going to bite you at some point, might as well have something nice to look at in the meantime.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:03, Reply)

so what's OG's excuse for shagging you?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:05, Reply)

I'm a lot more charming when I want to get in somebody's knickers.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:07, Reply)

+ witty

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:17, Reply)

We're all missing some fucking quality step ladder chat in the previous thread, by the way.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:59, Reply)

I think the marine-diesel driven dildo chat is better

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:00, Reply)

i just called you gay

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Wehn you're capable of tripping over and getting Hammersmith stuck up you
people don't generally take your insults seriously.
( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:04, Reply)

hammersmith?????????????

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:04, Reply)

Eau de one.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:06, Reply)

Hammersmith.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:07, Reply)

The Broadway was named after her.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:09, Reply)

you have no sense of geography, property or style

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:15, Reply)

he dunt even know he's french!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:16, Reply)

yeah,
cos no-one's ever done THAT before.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:24, Reply)

Frankly I'm torn
Oranges, whisky and olives in here, or step ladders in there.
On the plus side I have got some work done.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:05, Reply)

On the other hand, it seems Swipe's toys are capable of docking cruise liners.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:09, Reply)

I don't even own a ladder

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:10, Reply)

me either
I stand on a barstool to change lightbulbs.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:15, Reply)

I nicked a bar stool from a pub in oxford once
true story
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:16, Reply)

100!

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:22, Reply)

it's dire

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:23, Reply)

I might have another satsuma in a minute.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:25, Reply)

then it'll be diarrhoea

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:27, Reply)

Shove it up your cock end and shit out some marmalade.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:28, Reply)

Marmalade is shit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:29, Reply)

this is true

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:30, Reply)

I disagree* but I refuse to be drawn into this.


*Unless it actually has come out of Kroney's derrière
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:31, Reply)

nasty bitter shit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:34, Reply)

Maybe, but I can occasionally be quite likeable.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:40, Reply)

Oh dear, Nakers. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

( Kroney, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:32, Reply)

who are you, paddington bear?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:33, Reply)