Office Cunt
Does your office have one? No? You are that cunt

Tell me of your irritating colleagues
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:24, 90 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Got one in my office. Where to start?
Ginger.
Fat.
Whiney northern voice.
Completely incompetent.
Keeps boring us all about how she's going to quit because she's written an amazing 'sitcom'.

None of us can stand the stupid cow. She'll never make partner.
(_Battered_, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:27, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:02, Reply)

He's nicknamed Catweazel behind his back.
He has cracked, brown teeth, bottle-bottom glasses, thinning hair, and talks down to everyone in a superior, bored monotone.

Given the chance, he'll tell you how all the girls and gays in the office fancy him.

It is not me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:28, Reply)

But you fancy him.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:30, Reply)

We gross each other out with dares to lick his teeth.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:36, Reply)

Will he lend them to you?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:53, Reply)

Ugh.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:05, Reply)

i didnt know Mince wore glasses

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:33, Reply)

Have you heard from him or should we worry?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:54, Reply)

i ent heard nuthin ed
im just hoping he turns up to the baysh on saturday even if he has had enough of this place, i ent never met the internet before
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:55, Reply)

I'm ambivalent over most of the people here.
There's a couple that I know I don't like, but they only annoy me when I have to work with them.

But one prick, who comes in every so often, whom I don't even have to work with manages to annoy the piss out of me by merely walking through the door. My dislike is visceral; I'd happily smash their face in with a brick.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:29, Reply)

I have one of these here
Fucking numb cunt that he is
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:03, Reply)

I think it's important to have a workplace nemesis really.
It gives you somewhere to channel the seething resentment.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:10, Reply)

It is being split today
*sharpens killing hammer*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:16, Reply)

They're all ok.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:31, Reply)

Bollocks, there's always one.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:34, Reply)

Well I employ them so if they're shit it's my fault.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:55, Reply)

There's a lot of sales-based ego's in here
but aside from that everyone is ok.

Everyone I hated has been sacked.
Not through me though...

Honest.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:36, Reply)

aw man my place is full of em
fucken coffee drinking whiny dickwads man, always goen on about how the patels are fucken deadbeats and fucken steak knives and bullshit

nah, not really, its me
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:38, Reply)

There's always some cunt that manages to get my back up.
It's quite possible that I get other peoples' up, I mean I can't imagine how or why, but it could happen.
( Kroney, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:39, Reply)

Probably related to your cardigans.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:40, Reply)

cauntigans?

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:41, Reply)

Cardigan singular and it's awesome.
I tried wearing it the other day, but it's still too warm out. Very efficient at keeping me warm, that cardigan. There's literally no down side to it.
( Kroney, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:43, Reply)

is there a wendys burgers in the smoke?
ive heard it in a lot on merkin stuff and that stunned poster, yknow the one that just got back from gitmo, said it was the tits. probs not the same over here though
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:40, Reply)

There used to be one in Leicester Square, not sure it's still there.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:41, Reply)

cheers bats, ill have a wander that way

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:43, Reply)

Sportscow is a cunt, discuss.
\o/
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:49, Reply)

cow is a cunt I can't spell
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 14:52, Reply)

tggi ^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:04, Reply)

Thers one in my office
a fucking IT bod who gives it the Bertie big banana just cos he got a new house, and managed to wheeze his way round some povvo northern jogging thing... Still what he doesn't know is while he is grubbing around under the desks "fixing PC's" I got out on meetings and smash his wife's back doors in
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:03, Reply)

ho ho

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:04, Reply)

thanks santa

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:17, Reply)

I work with an SSRI prick from Folkestone
And a whiny gangly gay cunt with an effeminate voice who plays 'uke' in a 'drone folk' duo.

I'm genuinely contemplating suicide.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:04, Reply)

Is this the bullying I was looking forward to?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:10, Reply)

it's the first step of the journey
In other news, I have had Drone Logic stuck in my head all day.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:12, Reply)

Unlikely mate, I don't take on layabouts who are offensive to look at.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:14, Reply)

who says I was talking about you?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:15, Reply)

You're obsessed man, get over it.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:16, Reply)

you need to ease up here, honeybear
I'm never going to bum you.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:18, Reply)

That's because I'm never gonna meet you.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:20, Reply)

You're doing it wrong
You're supposed to string him along that you're planning on visiting York at some point and then not meet him.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:22, Reply)

I play by my own rules, not some tired 'meme' you clowns obsess over.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:23, Reply)

Is you playing by your own rules a new meme that I've missed?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:24, Reply)

No.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:59, Reply)

Haha
Prick
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:59, Reply)

+ GAY

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:59, Reply)

There's usually only me in the office, so I guess I'm the cunt.
All of my colleagues are, without exception, irritating.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:09, Reply)

I just had a one word email back from one of our developers
"access?"

ARGH! CUNT!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:16, Reply)

Does you do or does you don't?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:17, Reply)

Today, I dont

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:19, Reply)

Tell him Excel is better

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:21, Reply)

This was me trying to help out development team to sort a problem out
Yeah, cheers guys

No wait, the other one

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU IN THE EYE YOU AUTISTIC CUNTS
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:25, Reply)

I occasionally have to deal with emails from the general public
They're not a bright lot.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:18, Reply)

Is he "your flexible friend"

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:18, Reply)

When I get emails like that, I reply with
"What?"
( Kroney, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:28, Reply)

Y'see, at least you only have to deal with cunts who you work with
I have to be polite in any correspondence I have.
Often the best method is to wait a few hours before replying, by which time hopefully I will have calmed down.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:31, Reply)

"What" wasnt the first word that came to mind

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:32, Reply)

respond with "outlook"
It's obviously a game of MS Office Professional Top Trumps.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:55, Reply)

As a developer.
Don't fucking phone me asking if I've coded the thing yet if I've already emailed you telling you you've fucked up my access AGAIN.

I had this for a week. Every day the prick would phone me. It was his job to sort me access. Then he'd whinge as they really wanted it desperately.

The CR was a year old, it only became desperate because he got called out.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:00, Reply)

They really went with 'Lego' for the qotw???

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:26, Reply)

THIS.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:26, Reply)

I mean, yeah I voted for it, but only for a laugh

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:27, Reply)

When I voted for it there were only 4 votes in total.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:29, Reply)

It only takes 5 votes to win
Ergo you are to blame
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:33, Reply)

I'm reading this in a Take That song

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:34, Reply)

Yep.
I never expected it to even be picked for the vote.

Still. I've used it as an opportunity to post a picture of a shed.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:35, Reply)

I have both shed and greenhouse woes at the moment

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:39, Reply)

She's bright and cheerful from the moment she walks in to the moment she leaves
Always manages to keep a smile, despite dealing with idiots all day.
Never stops trying to make everyone around her happy too.

I fucking hate her.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:41, Reply)

tggi^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:46, Reply)

she's gonna go batshit and slaughter you all one day.
mark my words.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:55, Reply)

Then he'll have to send her some bumhole pics

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:00, Reply)

It's pills.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:09, Reply)

There's only me in my office.
this presents me with a conundrum, by cow rules. A Schroedinger's cunt, if you will.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:52, Reply)

Excellent phrasing

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:54, Reply)

And if I won't?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:55, Reply)

then it's a Schroedinger Schroedinger's cunt, I imagine.
In which the board both will and won't accept the existence of a Schroedinger's cunt.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:57, Reply)

Check inside the cunt to see if the light/cat is on

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:59, Reply)

Would you mind breaking the vial
then we can wait and see
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 15:58, Reply)

can't. Any observation or interference will destroy the cunt's waveform
and then the cunt will no longer exist because of QUANTUM.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:01, Reply)

I consider myself SCIENCE'D

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:28, Reply)

Also, since 'grumpy Tom' left, I think I'm the biggest Curmudgeon in the office.
There's about 30 of us here, there's people that've been here months that I still haven't bothered speaking to.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:07, Reply)

I've got all of that to look forward to,
Finding out who all the new cunts are.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:16, Reply)

Things I learnt today were that some of the people in my office think that steroids turn you gay
and a surprising amount had no idea what a lumberjack was. Late twenties some of them. Oh, and one of them is going to a James Arthur concert. The biggest cunt of all though is the one that runs away to the internet and goes all 'snee snee' about them behind their back.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:16, Reply)

Don't they make your balls shrivel up?
When they're not, you know, cutting down trees and things
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:18, Reply)

I referenced The Fast Show the other day, and the pretty girl I was talking to said excitedly
"Oh I know that! It's from that old comedy show, isn't it?!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:32, Reply)

Well, it was 20 years ago.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:41, Reply)

Lol. Old.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:44, Reply)

Lold.
The Fast Show was shit and is responsible for Little Britain, Catherine Tate and every other IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I SAY THE SAME THING EVERY WEEK 'comedy' show we're given.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:47, Reply)

Check em

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 24 Oct 2013, 16:59, Reply)