alright internet bumchums
I have my work do tomorrow night, company credit card behind the bar etc etc.

Share horror stories of your past Xmas dos.

Alt: get fucked

Alt alt: shit off

Alt alt alt: alright

Alt alt alt alt: BATTERED IS A PRICK.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:46, 136 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

This is marginally better than a football thread.
Marginally mind.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:48, Reply)

Every Christmas party I have been to has been good
The closest I have got to a horror story is that one year I went to this college party at a house on the outskirts of Bradford and I only had fourteen quid for taxi fare, so the driver had to drop me off about half a mile from my house, and it was all uphill, a steep walk at around 3AM.
(SculptureOfMan Mmhmm, this IS a tasty burger!, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:51, Reply)

Like Bradford is even a real place

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:52, Reply)

A short walk isn't that bad tbh.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:57, Reply)

Uphill at 3AM in the middle of December is an inconvenience
But yeah, that's about as bad as it's got for me really.
(SculptureOfMan Mmhmm, this IS a tasty burger!, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:59, Reply)

Hello new person anyway.
How's you.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:18, Reply)

Please stop coining the phrase "how's you" effective immediately!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:26, Reply)

How's you gayjay?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:30, Reply)

Canny, aye. Ta.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:33, Reply)

I am wearing a tweed tie, its awesome

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:51, Reply)

Is it as good as the socks of frogcock? I still have a semi from that picture.
I have jeans and boots. What age do you have to reach to wear tweed?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:54, Reply)

depends how you wear it, I wear it sexually

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:38, Reply)

Ah, the old asphyxsi-wank

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:42, Reply)

I bet you look like a right twat and all your 'mates' laugh at you.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:56, Reply)

FINE, I'll get you a christmas and bday present if it will stop you blobbing everywhere

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:39, Reply)

Thanks I'd like a tweed tie so I can look like my hero.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:40, Reply)

Will all your colleagues be drinking in a different bar?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:52, Reply)

no

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:53, Reply)

His colleagues will be going on the actual staff do next week

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:55, Reply)

They actually had it last week.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:58, Reply)

I stood up and made a ridiculous rousing speech at our 'posh' Xmas do, after the boss said a few words and asked if anyone else wanted to say anything, to much laughter and applause at the end.
Me and a mate drank decent wine in pint glasses, which people though was uncouth for some reason. I was also supposed to pay on my company card but got more pissed, smashed a load of glasses and went home and had to go back the next day to square up.
Next year we just went to the pub.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:55, Reply)

Many moons ago I was a rather rotund chap
I decided to do something about this and started going to the gym, swimming, eating better, etc and lost 3 stone over about 8 months....just in time for the office Christmas do with free bar.

Went at it like Rory's lab on his Pedigree cock on the gin, bottles and went home in a bag about 3 hours later. Next day was a 3 hour drive to Manchester for a meeting.

WORST.DAY.EVER
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:56, Reply)

Many, many moons ago I pulled the technical writer, a rather pleasnt MILF who was 14 years older than me
That was fun
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 10:57, Reply)

Or the waking up in the morning, rolling over and seeing it was 10:30am
That made for a fun 5 mins getting ready and legging it to work
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:00, Reply)

I HATE THAT

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:01, Reply)

So you drove drunk on the motorway endangering others. Im disappointed really iam.
Good birthday? Did you get the yearly gobble?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:02, Reply)

No, I'd puked all the booze up everywhere by 10pm
Yer, birthday was good ta
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:04, Reply)

He's well old now, that was probably in the olden days when everyone did it, and it wasn't so taboo to fiddle kids.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:04, Reply)

Smoking in the pub and hitting the missus wS ok S well.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:09, Reply)

I prefer to smoke your missus then hit the pub

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:10, Reply)

I prefer to hit the smoke and 'pub' your missus
Er, yeah, that.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:12, Reply)

NO LONDON CHAT

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:13, Reply)

Spit roasting ym in the pub with your missus was good.

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:13, Reply)

I know!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:14, Reply)

Doyou still have photos?

(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:20, Reply)

Of course

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:24, Reply)

No real horror stories.
Last years was a champagne and charlie fuelled sublime event.
I left a bit early though as the young uns were getting lairy on the coke.

Few got threw out of the club we had booked after a gorgeous lunch at Australasia. few more had fights in taxi ranks and one kid went doolally at an after party after too much of the good stuff. One of my co workers had a vid of him rolling about on the floor, babbling. Odd.

Can't wait for this years on the 21st.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:25, Reply)

coke is for cunts

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:41, Reply)

^^

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:43, Reply)

turns normal people into pricks
And pricks into mega pricks.

Tbh I'm glad it's all full of caustic concrete powder, amonia and hydrocarbons
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:44, Reply)

And yet everybody that does it reckons it doesn't do it to them.

( Kroney, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

yeah its all about diet coke bruv

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:43, Reply)

...says the guy with the red trousers and the tweed tie.

( Kroney, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:43, Reply)

green trouser today my petite french hen

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:46, Reply)

woah
that makes it so much better.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:55, Reply)

dark green innit, they're Autumnal

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:57, Reply)

The word you are looking for here is awful

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

I'd post a picture but
A) I don't how
B) the instantaneous wide ons it would cause among the female contigent (and jay) would leave them drowning in fanny batter
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:12, Reply)

You should hijack a thread and initiate a long dull 'help me' section like i did.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:13, Reply)

You still don't know how to post a picture???

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:14, Reply)

I know how to link one
But dunno how to get it from my phone to what I like to call a "hosting site"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:23, Reply)

Generally speaking you go to the "hosting site", then you "register", then you click "upload"
You great big fat green trousered spastic.
( Kroney, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:26, Reply)

from my phone?! really?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:26, Reply)

Ugh.

( Kroney, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:27, Reply)

umnal istic
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

^ I like and endorse both of the above ^

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:00, Reply)

VALIDATION!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:04, Reply)

jealoud of my sexy trousers

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:24, Reply)

coke's alright
Time and place though.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:49, Reply)

NO WHISKEY CHAT

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:51, Reply)

off your mums arse before she's tag fucked by the Chelsea squad?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:55, Reply)

Like there's enough time between "visits" to get a line out on there

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Oh come on, he's from Yorkshire.
It'd be Sheffield Wednesday.
( Kroney, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Barnsley Thursday
Wakefield Friday
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Chills on Sunday.

( Kroney, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:01, Reply)

Craig t'David.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:10, Reply)

*fills you in*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:11, Reply)

I'm not a cunt. On coke or otherwise.
I don't limit myself as to what drugs to take really.
All fun and games on all of them.

It's people who get greedy with it, or those who already have a superiority complex who turn cunty.

Alcohol is by far the worst cunt maker of all!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

maybe you should ask a friend to video you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:59, Reply)

I've seen me off it. I'm cool man. All cool.
Everyone wants to party with Gay Jay
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:00, Reply)

I'm a cunt on it
See also:

Beer
Pot
Nothing
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:01, Reply)

How can you be a cunt on spliffage?

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:02, Reply)

I'm saying I'm a cunt

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:03, Reply)

***INITIATE GJ 'THE JOKE; YOUR HEAD' POST***

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:04, Reply)

I get louder on beer and sillier on "other"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:05, Reply)

I get loud and swear more on beer, and get (more) arrogant on 'other'

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:08, Reply)

I really need to swear less often

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:09, Reply)

I didn't have you down as arrogant, frog.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:10, Reply)

No, I'm not really, but Nakers is right about the 'turning into a prick' thing

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:10, Reply)

I really am this blonde Im afraid :(

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:06, Reply)

chortle

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:08, Reply)

I always imagine you get riled and indignant exactly the same time as you at best 'skim-read' the posts you reply to. It's funny.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:10, Reply)

:)
I do skim read, but there's no riled emotions. I'm really chilled IRL.
My frantic typing must suggest otherwise, but I try to be nothing more than thorough in my responses :)
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:16, Reply)

upset

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:17, Reply)

YOU used to rile me until I wisened to your ways
Now you're just like an annoying Dad, always correcting from behind a shuffled newspaper.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:18, Reply)

Wisened isn't a word, Jason.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:24, Reply)

See!
Wizened is however, and it describes you perfectly.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:26, Reply)

(he typed, with great indignation)

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:17, Reply)

Calm down mate

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:18, Reply)

A couple from Xmas do's past.............
One (male) MD who was found leaving the (male) company accountant's hotel room at 4 a:m, by his wife. Much slapping and screaming in the corridor. All of our rooms were on same corridor, there were lots of witnesses! He left the company in January.
The drinking contest which left a director so drunk that he was found half-in/half-out of his hotel room, trousers and grots round his knees in the 'face down arse up' pose. Many many pictures were taken.
The aftermath of probably the poshest Xmas do I've ever attended - 80% of the hotel guests with food poisoning.
Alt: No
Altalt: I fucking said no, cunt!
Altaltalt: Yes. there is a liquid lunch in my near future
Altaltaltalt: Heightist!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:45, Reply)

I can't believe you got food poisoning at a Toby Jug

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:47, Reply)

I can't believe he was a company accountant

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:51, Reply)

I've been insulted many times
But to call me an accountant, that's just cruel.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:54, Reply)

ac o ant
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:55, Reply)

That's just par for the course - duck's back/water scenario
But ACCOUNTANT! There's where the line's drawn
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:09, Reply)

It was a pizza hut.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:52, Reply)

He's such a posh cunt

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Fucking gays.
Bet they were just having a bit blow or something.

If the wife didn't sue him for everything, she fails at life.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:57, Reply)

bugle blow or blow blow?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:57, Reply)

suck squeeze bang blow.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

4 strokes and I am done

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:02, Reply)

act FAST

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Blow off, what with all the food poisoning

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:59, Reply)

maybe they were having a late night drink
She should have been all flirty then given him a gob job to see if his cock tasted of shit
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:58, Reply)

I reckon it's more likely they were fiddling the accounts
I don't think accountants do sex.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Poirot

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:00, Reply)

So that's what he styled his tache with

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:01, Reply)

Poirot's cock tastes of shit?
Fucking Belgians.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:02, Reply)

INORITE

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Literally.
That ain't chocolate, Sir.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:09, Reply)

Bellybutton Lindt

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:10, Reply)

no wonder they like their beer strong.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 12:10, Reply)

My "official" Christmas do starts in 2 hours.
It's at the zoo. Imma gonna touch up some pandas. Assuming they haven't been blown away.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 11:51, Reply)