:(
I did a daft thing today, as I crossed the road the lights changed so I ran the last 10 feet hopped onto the kerb slid on a patch of leaves and ended up on my arse, ripped the gusset of my trousers and ended up with a brown leafy stain down the backside, fuck did I feel stupid, even worse I did it in front of a bunch of teenage school kids, their laughter is still ringing in my ears.
So when did you last a complete tit of yourself?

Alt: Injured pride, injured body do you have any weird and wonderful cures for either?

Alt:alt: I'm now taking solace in a cold beer, what do you take solace in*?

*yeah,yeah MM or Montys mums just don't cut the mustard, alright
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:26, 119 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Alright hare.
As your official internet doctor, I diagnose clumsycuntitis.
Alt, alcohol is a good solace soak.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:30, Reply)

Alt: I'm drinking the fucker not bathing in it.

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:32, Reply)

I had free booze to give away hare, and was turned down. Cunts, the lot of them.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:37, Reply)

You could just explain why smoking in the doorway is not in the best interest for non-smoking customers
It seems you have more than an adequate smoking area
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:40, Reply)

Don't get him started. You'll say something like "oh, but we've been doing it for years" perfectly reasonably
and the next thing you know he's broken down into a tear-sodden lump on the horrible Seventies orange/red swirly carpet (just in front of the fag machine that's not worked since 1982) screeching and cursing at you about things you barely understand like "worst mistake of my life", "I gave up a lucrative career in medicine for this" and "the wife hasn't sucked my cock since I got that fucking karaoke machine".
( Kroney, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:49, Reply)

hahaha, fucking hell you're in fine form today
please keep it up.

Oh, I'm thinking about booking into that hotel in Carbis bay, you taken "office girl" to last year, or a cottage near there, still undecided which.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:52, Reply)

Fag machine is behind the bar now.
Edit, this is paying better than the medding too, although the hours can be a bit mad
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:53, Reply)

machine landlord
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:54, Reply)

Office lol
Fair play
( Kroney, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:55, Reply)

Seeing as how you ain't gonna be needing your medical degree, might as well sale off prescriptions until you get struck off

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:26, Reply)

I was actually asked if I'd consider giving time in the TA, as a med. Wtf? I don't want to be shot at, thanks.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:32, Reply)

TRAYTER! NO WANDER THE LOCULS DO'NT THICK YOU IS WON OF THEM YOU PROBLY SELL HALLAL PORK SCARCHINGS

(old man river possible lesbian, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:55, Reply)

Perhaps you have terrible customer service skills?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:00, Reply)

Or maybe it was really, really shit free booze?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:02, Reply)

Nah, it was a smoothflow from a brewery, the real ale twats will only drink cask.
It was fucking free.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:02, Reply)

No true alcoholic denies free beer, no matter where their priorities lie.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:03, Reply)

Enough with the CRANLEY bullying already!

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:04, Reply)

Needs MOAR milf soft play

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:13, Reply)

It's not funny, erectile dysfunction could happen to anyone

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:15, Reply)

Agreed, jay.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:05, Reply)

refuses

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:14, Reply)

All my public fallings have been in private thank God.
I don't move like a newly born deer.
Couple years ago I went flat out on my back on a patch of ice though. Hurt like a bastard and I lay there winded for a bit.
If I stumble in public I just laugh and carry on with my life.

I take solace in cooking and weed. Maybe some good telly.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:32, Reply)

I'm normally as agile as a cat, that's what really pisses me off about the whole slipping thing.

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:34, Reply)

I wonder if any of the giggly school girls got a video. *checks twitter*

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:35, Reply)

Fuck I didn't think of that, mostly inner-city boys that saw me, I'm hopeing it all happened to fast for them to have caught in on camera*
*Crosses fingers
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:37, Reply)

How is the 'hood these days?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:39, Reply)

Robin is just a myth, I can't believe we (as a city) don't capitalise on it enough.

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:45, Reply)

I was riding my bike
down a main road near my house when I saw a very pretty, slutty looking girl on the other side of the road. She looked over at me and we made and maintained eye contact, she may have just been wondering why I was making rapeface at her but you never know so I smiled at her (exacerbating the rapeface). All this took place when I should have been looking at what I was doing, I looked down to see the handlebar with my hand on it, right about to hit a lamppost. I let go with both hands, the handlebar hit the post and I was flung to the ground at speed. I was in too much pain to even attempt to style it out (by getting up and bowing or whatever) so I just lay there groaning.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:39, Reply)

Have a click just for "rapeface"
My mate Tilly ran into the back of another car, whilst we were ogling the females coming out of Trent Polytechnic many years ago
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:43, Reply)

Nothing sounds so classy as a girl attending "Trent Polytechnic".

( Kroney, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:46, Reply)

Yeah well it was a long time ago, it's now a Uni if that helps?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:48, Reply)

I managed to wound my own pride this morning.
Some guy half my height and weight held the door open for me. As I took it, he just stood there and stared at me until I meekly mumbled a thank you.

Firstly I'm ashamed that I didn't think to say thanks without him having to wait for me to find some manners and secondly, on apparently committing to be rude, I'm ashamed that I didn't bend down to face level and yell a spittle-flecked "YES I'VE GOT THE FUCKING DOOR NOW, YOU FUCKING CUNT" right in his face.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:45, Reply)

Yeah well you Frenchie’s have a reputation for being belligerent
.....and then running away as fast as possible
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:48, Reply)

Fucking pathetic, isn't it?
I'm cringing with embarrassment at my own lack of spine.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:50, Reply)

Still you could always flash your nice legs and arse

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:53, Reply)

ooh lala!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:04, Reply)

I hope he remembered our military giving their all for him on Rememberance Sunday,
whilst the frenchies smoked Gitanes and cycled around with onions.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:51, Reply)

+ in my doorway

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:52, Reply)

A worse one for my pride
was when I saw a girl I had met once previously and had a crush on, in the local pubs beer garden looking upset. I went out to be a shoulder to cry on and had a long intense conversation with her about her relationship with her sister etc.
At the end she hugged me and thanked me. I trotted out a truly wanky 'hey, there're some things you can only tell a stranger', put my hand on the snow covered wall and vaulted over to the pavement.
What I'd forgotten is that the snow obscured wall was actually a fucking hedge. When I put my weight on my hand I essentially fell into it, screaming like a woman, headfirst up to my stomach, legs flailing and part of one arm free. Gravity got me out after about 5 seconds of frantic kicking and landed me on my back on the pavement with most of the buttons torn off my shirt. 5 seconds is a long time when you're upside down in a bush with your shirt half off in front of a girl you want to fuck. She didn't fuck me.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 17:58, Reply)

Haha, who the fuck are you?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:00, Reply)

I only recently remembered my password
to the site so I'm getting back involved.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:03, Reply)

I'm also a morbidly
obese skinhead with no ears.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:03, Reply)

Well that's 98% of the posters here (well apart the skinhead and no ears part)

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:10, Reply)

Nice one, so when was you last posting?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:04, Reply)

Were, you prick

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:05, Reply)

^still is^

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:08, Reply)

He drives me mad with this
It's one of my pet hates.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:48, Reply)

Stop YAKing on about it

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:49, Reply)

I don't get it

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:51, Reply)

Well I'm not suprised what with that Peado beard

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:52, Reply)

Alright tangles?
how's your glans?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:51, Reply)

Glistening
How's your shady, unethical new job?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:54, Reply)

Alright thanks, anyway you dunt even know what it is...do you?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:00, Reply)

I see all

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:03, Reply)

About 10 months ago
there've been some name changes it seems. The general seething low level belligerence and world weary cynicism that I love have remained the same though. Fantastic!
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:06, Reply)

Hahahha, also fuck off back to qotw

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:03, Reply)

Sorry BakedApe
sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:07, Reply)

By the way I'm the best one not here, ok?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:08, Reply)

That made
my brain squeak.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:10, Reply)

Alright loosers?
the girl next to me on the train just said, "we'll get it into the postal system tonight so it doormats on Wednesday"

Fucking idiot
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:01, Reply)

I think you know my veiwpoint on "Rep-speak" already
I tend to get a bit stabby when I hear it.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:03, Reply)

She has at no point used one word when she can use 18

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:04, Reply)

b3ta.com/search/answers?q=rep+speak
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:09, Reply)

Let's blue sky on that scenario, ja

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:04, Reply)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:05, Reply)

I just put her bag on the luggage rack for her, little does she know I'm bitching about her online
i think we all know who the real winner here is
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:34, Reply)

The deaf bloke three seats down no doubt?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:41, Reply)

"I'll post it', then?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:03, Reply)

I agree.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:03, Reply)

"Doormats" Jeff...doormats?!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:04, Reply)

I know. What sort of povvos have doormats!
Concierge will be busy on Wednesday.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:09, Reply)

How is the "Jeffstock lost in London" thing going?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:32, Reply)

Is jeffstock in London this year?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:42, Reply)

No, no it's not...it's errrrrrrmmmm somewhere else*
*well that's what we was supposed to say if you ask
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:48, Reply)

She's optimistic.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:05, Reply)

And you're bent, what of it?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:05, Reply)

sex with men, mainly

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:08, Reply)

Well observed

(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:09, Reply)

defiantly irregardless loose formally random

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:07, Reply)

Punching women is OK in this circumstance

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:35, Reply)

is circumstance e cunt
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:35, Reply)

I once shut a car door onto my own hand, breaking three fingers
I think the girly screams and the whimpering may have alerted the other people in the car park to my less-than-manly subsequent bursting into tears.
Alt: Injured pride - MTFU, injured body - get the professionals in asap. I have some quite grindy/clicky joints due to the 'it'll be ok if I just strap/ice/spray it' mindset.
Altalt: Drugs and pornography.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:12, Reply)

+ and touching kids on the cunt

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:16, Reply)

hardcore child pornography

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:18, Reply)

PTHC

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:19, Reply)

ttj

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:21, Reply)

I've done pretty stupid stuff in my time,
Trying to artfully leap down off the stage after a gig knstewdinstead using the steps I knocked myself out and buy a huge dent in my very nice bass.

Alt: I've learned to laugh at my clumsiness now, but I used to find getting really really angry helped. Angry and drunk.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:33, Reply)

I think you had a mini stroke halfway through that post mate

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:38, Reply)

I think you want to stroke his mini and I'm not on about the car

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:40, Reply)

Is this a euphemism?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:41, Reply)

*scowls*

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:42, Reply)

You're a grumpy bunny this evening. What's up, homie

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:44, Reply)

You did read the thread??????

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:46, Reply)

A bit, yeah.
Gusset ...teenage girls...laughter.
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:50, Reply)

*Goes to the doorway for a smoke*

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:51, Reply)

*performs Al Murray routine*

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:54, Reply)

Terrible bullying of Rory

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:44, Reply)

Sit down, have a pint.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 18:40, Reply)

Well at this rate I may go to the juicer

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:21, Reply)

No hanging around in the doorway, with your vile smelling roll ups please.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:29, Reply)

My TURN UP'S have nothing to do with this

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:33, Reply)

It's the white sport socks and sandals I'm concerned about.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:38, Reply)

My dad used to wear a
pair of shorts to do the gardening that were the same colour as his skin. From a distance it looked like a fat naked man was weeding our front garden. I accepted it at the time, looking back on it, quite strange.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:42, Reply)

Good. Go.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:33, Reply)

Yeah well, shut up................because YOUN are

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:34, Reply)

He won't
He'll just spend the evening crying and wanking in his lonely bedsit with only hitting F5 on here to give his life purpose.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:40, Reply)

You know me so well

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:43, Reply)

^ F5

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:44, Reply)

Fchive

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 19:45, Reply)

A good cure for
injured pride is to have absolutely no self respect.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:08, Reply)

I've heard.

(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:08, Reply)

Hoax?
msnbc.website/macaulay-culkin-found-dead-at-age-34.html
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:16, Reply)

Yes it is you cretin

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:18, Reply)

Oh yeah.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:25, Reply)

You stupid bastard.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:34, Reply)

Have you seen these povvos on channel 4 moaning about being poor
its sad really. If they put half as much effort into working as bloo blooing they might do better
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:40, Reply)

Oh god now they're mournfully singing Coldplay

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:44, Reply)

Urgh slovenly oafs

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:45, Reply)

Can you sing them joyfully?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 20:46, Reply)