morning

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 7:47, 187 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

board hog

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 7:49, Reply)

bored hog

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 7:53, Reply)

Boss Hogg

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 7:54, Reply)

snoop dogg

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:03, Reply)

Scooby dooby dooooooo.

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:04, Reply)

You sunk my battleship

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:06, Reply)

Mornington Crescent

( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:07, Reply)

Ahahaha ... like that thing on the radio that was funny once in 1978

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:09, Reply)

^old

( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:27, Reply)

horrors

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 7:57, Reply)

fuck off dozers

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 7:57, Reply)

bit harsh mate, only saying hello

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:01, Reply)

Not nearly harsh enough

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:02, Reply)

:'(

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:04, Reply)

frost this morning
don't forget to protect your fuchsias
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:03, Reply)

it's lovely here in York

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:05, Reply)

I went to York as a kid
There's a Viking thing that smells of real piss.
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:06, Reply)

They really do have the worst office suppliers in the country

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:08, Reply)

I went there at Easter
It's shit.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:08, Reply)

that was the first time I ever used a Corby trouser press
exciting times
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:10, Reply)

anecdote of the year!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:11, Reply)

i no rite/
Seriously though ... for an eleven year old scrubber whose grandmother still used a mangle this was genuinely science fiction stuff
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:13, Reply)

I went to the Jorvik when I was 10.
The coprolites were well lol.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:17, Reply)

plops are still funny ... I took the kids to the archaeology museum recently and that was the first thing we headed for

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:27, Reply)

typical coprophile Jew

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:38, Reply)

Don't you oppress my roots, man!

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:39, Reply)

typical bignoseshylockhebrewkike

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:42, Reply)

i get my cute button nose* from my gentile side
The only kike characteristics are my tiny penis and incredible miserliness

(* cuteness may not have survived rugby)
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:45, Reply)

That statement is permanently untrue

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:07, Reply)

it's no Birmingham, it's true

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:09, Reply)

I'm going to move back there soon
Oh joy.
( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:10, Reply)

it's what you deserve

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:10, Reply)

It's a major improvement on where I live now

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:13, Reply)

christ

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:15, Reply)

I think Birmingham is alright
But then I live in Coventry.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:41, Reply)

heavy drinking etc etc

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:43, Reply)

I too, think Birmingham is ok
I no longer live in Coventry.

Edit. Didn't drink last night
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:11, Reply)

Morning all
My 'get up and go' got up and went. Cannot be arsed today
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:09, Reply)

Take some amphetamines
That'll sort you out.
( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:10, Reply)

Excellent idea!
I wonder if I could claim them on expenses?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:12, Reply)

I can get them on free prescription

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:14, Reply)

alright Battered, shit to have you back

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:14, Reply)

Haha they should put that on mugs and car stickers and that

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:41, Reply)

and a 'fucking shit' one too
totes got up late and had a nommy tube journey packed into the carriage like anal beads and hamsters forced up dozers bum bum in the most efficient use of space possible
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:44, Reply)

Bit unfair on the tube
No way is it as sweaty and shit-smelling and wide as dozer's rodent scrabbled butthole
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:50, Reply)

sexy

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:51, Reply)

^speaks from experience^

( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:53, Reply)

I was referring to the space available, rather than the ambient conditions. I bow to your superior knowledge in this instance.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:53, Reply)

you spend waaaay too much time thinking about an internerd's rectum

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:56, Reply)

she's only human

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:58, Reply)

Who amongst us can truly say that isn't the case?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:03, Reply)

I can honestly say that I've never given a moments thought to the personal appearance, bodily orifices or any other real life aspect of any internet stranger

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:06, Reply)

^ lies on the internet ^

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:18, Reply)

Seriously? Why would anybody care about the real life behind an ascii persona?

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:31, Reply)

As far as I can ascertain, life in London is very lonely and many there rely on internet 'friends' to plug the gaps.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:39, Reply)

sad times, tangers
they should strike up a conversation with one of their fellow tube farters
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:41, Reply)

lol tube farts
/ac
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:52, Reply)

I had a nice leisurely journey in
and two weetabix for breakfast, thanks.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:47, Reply)

I played with the budgie
And am now sitting in a cab that doesn't smell. Score.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:51, Reply)

I have a reserved seat on the DLR.
You get a better class of commuter on the DLR.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:53, Reply)

[joke about everybody on English commuter transport being reserved]

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:55, Reply)

commuter driver
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:58, Reply)

The reliability is better than all other lines I think.
And it has no drivers.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:59, Reply)

I think that was the joke, love

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:01, Reply)

I thought she liked to sit at the front and pretend to drive.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:05, Reply)

Everybody does that.
If you don't get the driver's seat then you lose at DLR
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:07, Reply)

Tried that once. Didn't understand the attraction.
Weren't a wheel nor any pedals, neither.
( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:17, Reply)

I may be wrong, but I don't think most trains have a steering wheel

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:26, Reply)

My ex-wife thought they did
She's a teacher
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:27, Reply)

No that's on the bus
I love me a nice (empty) double decker
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:10, Reply)

there's deffo at least three euphemisms in here

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:14, Reply)

The new ones are v cool
Berk says they look like pirates with an eye patch.

No euphemism.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:16, Reply)

I'm hungover in a tube being forced to listen to two pensioners
banging on and on in their outdoor voices about their grandchildrens commuting and coffee drinking habits.
( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:52, Reply)

You're legally allowed to kill old people like that you know

( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:53, Reply)

I long for a return to a personal automobile commute

( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:54, Reply)

fuck no
car commuting is almost as degrading as spending a hour breathing tube farts
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:59, Reply)

I far prefer it.
My happiest commute was the drive between Guildford and Dorking. Oh, those halcyon days... No motorways, no tubes, bliss.
( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:01, Reply)

yeah ... but 90% of that bliss was presumably because you weren't in Guildford

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:04, Reply)

I grew up in Guildford. Planning on moving back again soon!

( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:10, Reply)

really? jesus

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Lots of lovely little villages in the triangle between The Ford, the Ming and the King (a little native parlance for you, there)
I'm not precious about my home town, curious as to why you seem to dislike it, though. It's no Woking.
( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:15, Reply)

that entire area fills me with horror and contempt for mankind
it epitomises everything that's wrong with the country and its ambitions
the whole place seems organised around making it convenient to work and inoffensive to rest ... it's like a Thatcherite Brave New World meets the Stepford Wives.
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:18, Reply)

Oh I see, you've your Scargill-filtered specs on.
There isn't much I'm saying to change that, I guess.
( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:20, Reply)

eh?
I'm basically a one-nation Tory with a heavy dose of libertarian. What does Scargill have to do with the soulless rat race dreariness of the M4 corridor?
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:24, Reply)

Historical bias, I'm afraid.
All our liberals are commies. Made an assumption.
( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:28, Reply)

you could be in there
tell them you've got Mellow Birds and custard creams and you could be topped and tailed by sweet granny pussy by lunch time
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:54, Reply)

start tutting loudly.
and occasionally muttering "for fucks sake"
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:54, Reply)

Like any real man I scowled and complained impotently online

( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:00, Reply)

My coffee has 'skin' on top today :(

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:55, Reply)

Oh god.

( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:56, Reply)

I know.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:58, Reply)

boak

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 8:57, Reply)

It really annoys me when my iPod plays a string of shit* songs
I put them on there. There should be no shit* songs FFS.


* any comments about my music being shit anyway are not funny and will not be tolerated. That is not the point.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:04, Reply)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:05, Reply)

Later today I will be loading 32 gig of music on a stick to go in my car
I fully expect to be frustrated by this.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:10, Reply)

Drag and drop a bit tricky for you, eh, Grandad?

( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:16, Reply)

'Drag and drop'
Didn't rate their second album - mind you, their early stuff was well edgy
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:18, Reply)

Morning chums
Why is it when I dont drink I appear to have a hangover most mornings?

This is not good
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:11, Reply)

kidney failure
you'll be dead in a month
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:14, Reply)

Fuck that shit, yo
I got two for a reason*


* eBay doesn't allow organ selling
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:18, Reply)

diabetes, mate.
Always thirsty? Pee smell like chlorine? You got a bad case of the beaties.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:17, Reply)

I am always thirsty and have been checked for diabetes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:18, Reply)

DIA. BETES.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:19, Reply)

Nope
Always have been a thirsty chap
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:20, Reply)

me too, turns out i'm just really good at drinking.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:19, Reply)

*drinking fives*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:20, Reply)

I associate myself with the reply above

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:22, Reply)

pints that hold carling

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:29, Reply)

.can be soft as you clean

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:30, Reply)

no
no you are not.

you drink a lot. you piss a lot.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:35, Reply)

that's how drinking works
if he's only doing one or the other then something has gone wrong
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:38, Reply)

yeah
but if he drank less, he'd piss less.

and therefore annoy me less by whining less about being thirsty and then about needing a piss.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:31, Reply)

Clinical depression mate, 40, washed up, what have you done with your life. Time for a comb over, ditch that haranguing wife and awful kids, get yerself a porsche with the house sale money and pester the step daughter for forbidden sex

(Mr Udagawa, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:20, Reply)

Seems like a good plan
*combs*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:22, Reply)

It's overrated.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:31, Reply)

Sleeping on your back

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:28, Reply)

Probably, yes
I try to sleep on my side
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:30, Reply)

i've never ever understood this
does everyone else in the world go to sleep in one position and stay there? i can't lie still for more than a few minutes, awake or asleep. if i go to sleep on my side, i wake up curled like a comma on the other side, or on my front dreaming about marshmallows.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Yes. Yes they do.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:36, Reply)

I always try to go to sleep on my right hand side as I dont snore on that side for some reason

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:39, Reply)

I can't get to sleep unless in on my right side.

( Kroney, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:59, Reply)

poor meatsnake
/ac
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:40, Reply)

+ Albert

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:44, Reply)

I've developed a bad habit of managing to shove my arms under the pillow in my sleep so when I wake up none of my arms work.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:46, Reply)

fewer

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:49, Reply)

I hate this. I wake up several times a night with jelly arms

( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:52, Reply)

you should have a wank
it'd be like somebody else was doing it

somebody with muscular dystrophy
(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:56, Reply)

I dunno about Gormo I couldn't even if I wanted too
My whole arm is like jelly, I'd have to use the other one the put the jelly arm on my cock and move it. It would be like me wanking myself off with someone elses arm.
( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:58, Reply)

now things have got double-sexy

(old man river possible lesbian, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:59, Reply)

Go on.....

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 9:59, Reply)

This. They're too dead for anything like that.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:00, Reply)

Like my first 3 kids

( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:10, Reply)

i fell asleep with my arm up in the air once, no idea how
when i woke up it was so numb that i couldn't feel it, and i couldn't find it with the other arm because it was in the air. i thought something had bitten it off in my sleep.

that very real fear is why i cannot sleep if my foot or any tiny bit is hanging over the edge of the bed. i genuinely think something will bite it. i found out when i was about 25 that my mother used to pounce on an arm or a foot if she saw it sticking out of the cot and kiss it. bloody child abuse, scarred me for life.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:15, Reply)

I once fell asleep after a HEAVY night out with my mouth open
When I woke up, my tongue had almost entirely dried out, was about half the size, hard and brown. I had to pour water into my mouth and swill it round for about 20 mins before I could speak
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:18, Reply)

hahahahaha
also fucking GROSS imagery
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:19, Reply)

It looked like cracked leather

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:24, Reply)

Seriously something else wrong there. Your blood stream should have still carried the water around to the cells contained in your tounge
the outer may have dried out but to shrink to half the size and go hard? I think you probably have the bad aids mate.
( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:29, Reply)

it would have been all the booze
dehydrating him
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:30, Reply)

This^
A LOT of booze
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:37, Reply)

^not how anatomy works
I fell asleep with my eye open once and it dried out and stung like a bitch when I blinked for about 3 days
( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:23, Reply)

Back in the contact lens days, I forgot to take them out once
I woke up, able to see but fearing cataracts
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:25, Reply)

Ewwww, I've done that. Not nice, hard to get out as well

( Peej, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:27, Reply)

Yeah
It was like peeling clingfilm off your eyeball
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:37, Reply)

the worst thing i did was to squirt them with the cleaning fluid and then forget to wash them with saline before putting them in
the pain was so dreadful i could hardly open my eyes long enough to get them out, and the whites turned the colour of chopped liver for about 3 hours.

as i'd been in a massive rush to go out, this displeased me greatly. fucking hell they were sore.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:29, Reply)

I get numbness and immobility in my left arm on occasion when sleeping
It's a bugger when you roll over in your sleep, dislocate your own thumb and don't realise until the morning.
Fucking hurts, too
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:19, Reply)

I just checked the clock so I could could "Ha! AFTERNOON hactually!"
but it isn't yet :(
( Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Thu 20 Nov 2014, 10:24, Reply)