Are you Beach Body Ready?
If not, why not you fat cunt!

Alt. I went to a General Election hustings last night, the UKIP guy doesn't understand what causes the wind to blow. Do you?
( Peej, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:18, 105 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Isn't it those big turbine things I keep seeing all over the place?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:21, Reply)

WITCHCRAFT

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:27, Reply)

my mate got chopped into pieces by a wind turbine and claimed £4500 from injurylawyers4u

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:02, Reply)

#fanksjayse

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:04, Reply)

I am buff and ready for the season.
Alt: I doubt he could find his arse with both hands.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:25, Reply)

my dad only has one hand but can still find his anus

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:03, Reply)

I bought your Dad's hand for £8.45 on eBay
I use it as a door handle to my electric sex dungeon
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:15, Reply)

I would have got commission on that on account of calculating the algorithms used by paypal

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:18, Reply)

Ha!
I paid cash
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:20, Reply)

my sister owns the royal mint and we get all the free money we need

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:21, Reply)

I invented the mint plant

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:24, Reply)

you could only do that because i biologically engineered the photosynthesis process, no need to thank me

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:28, Reply)

Of course
Walruses are beach ready, right?

Alt:
Baked beans
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:27, Reply)

i rode a walrus in tenerife in 2003

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:03, Reply)

Did you Goo Goo or chew?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:07, Reply)

*lazy joke about your girlfriend here*

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:07, Reply)

i don't believe in wind, i don't think we have the technology to produce it at this time

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:34, Reply)

you do

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:35, Reply)

i would advise against this topic of bullying for your own sake

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:36, Reply)

fing iz
With a bog standard telescope you can see the landing site. Not sure how that can be faked.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:50, Reply)

no you carnt

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:57, Reply)

when i met buzz aldrin he said they really did go and that i was really cool and funny

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:05, Reply)

here's some non bullshit to fill up the thread
when we went to sicily, we went up the volcano. the tour guide was telling us how she thought the blackened bits looked lunar, and how she asked every bus as a joke whether anyone had ever been to the moon. then one day buzz aldrin was on her tour.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:07, Reply)

ZINGED!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:08, Reply)

she was a rather attractive italian tour guide
my dad volunteered to sit at the front and was chatting to her in spanish, which just about does the trick. then the ride up got a bit hairy, not helped by the fact that the driver was on his phone, happily swinging us one handed around the volcano.

the woman in front of me and my brother pointed at my dad and said in outrage, "that lazy bastard's not even helping him. why can't HE drive?"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:20, Reply)

i swam in a volcano and the lava didnt even burn me

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:09, Reply)

i don't think we're ready for your jelly

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:35, Reply)

my homemade jelly recipe was used in the 2011 masterchef final

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:12, Reply)

Was it ready?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:13, Reply)

The judges weren't ready for it, John and Greg took me out for dinner to celebrate my recipe but insisted I provided dessert

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:14, Reply)

....of man custard

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:15, Reply)

short suits y/n

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:44, Reply)

i wore a shorts suit to meet a client last week, it was purple

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:04, Reply)

Of course the humour of their act really came from the fact that Orville was a tiny woman in costume, and also his wife.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 10:59, Reply)

i had sex with a tiny woman in an orville costume or something

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:04, Reply)

christ
someone mentions dwaffs and you have to go one better and have had sex with one
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:05, Reply)

a tiny woman not a dwarf you nit, although i did have sex with a dwarf once on the set of wizard of oz, the tinman provided lube

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:07, Reply)

I WISH I HAD A COCK!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:08, Reply)

the wizard will probably give you a cunnilingus diploma and spin you some bollocks about it being just as good

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:09, Reply)

that reminds me of the NSFW "if i only had a dame"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:17, Reply)

okay im going to fill this thread up with bullshit now

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:02, Reply)

ive been filling threads with bullshit since 1995 in the AOL days u flucken n00b

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:08, Reply)

its a good job I have you on 2.0 then!

( Peej, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:15, Reply)

WAIT A MINUTE.....

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:15, Reply)

i waited a minute once, it only took 5 seconds

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:16, Reply)

#MEATFACTS
MEATSNAKE does not dial incorrectly. You answer the wrong phone
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:21, Reply)

speaking of phones, i designed the whole set of 'emojis' and based the indian fella on you

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:24, Reply)

#NOSIR

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:25, Reply)

i invented 2.0

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:15, Reply)

I told my daughter that I invented Jam
She didn't believe me.
( Peej, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:33, Reply)

I'm just knocking the moths off my knitted one piece

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:03, Reply)

No reason
m g
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:13, Reply)

what happens to goffs on beaches?
do they make factor 500 goff makeup?
(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:18, Reply)

Yes
Concrete
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:22, Reply)

is it swim resistant?

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:28, Reply)

Only once

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:34, Reply)

VERY

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:36, Reply)

one ring
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:18, Reply)

I've recently caught myself in the mirror and realising that i'm objectivly good looking now.
I've always had the personailty, but now i've got the look too - i'm quite the catch.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:30, Reply)

if I weren't married I'd be down there wooing you right now

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:32, Reply)

Surely you have a nice or something? I'm dryer than Thames Valley Water, _and_ I don't have a problem with leaky pipes.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:58, Reply)

Lose the stupid toy watch and I'd fuck you

( Peej, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:33, Reply)

no way
you can catch up on Twitter while he's tossing you off
(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:34, Reply)

Yes but if he's tossing me off I have both hands free so I can use my phone and broadcast it on periscope

( Peej, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:38, Reply)

bit selfish

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:39, Reply)

he gets his turn after, don't worry

( Peej, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:41, Reply)

Nah' man, it's wicked, supprises me every day.
Plus it's a life-saver, didn't realise how high my heart-rate is, so i'm gonna go on some new loldrugz probably.

When it starts being bundled with last-years-model-phones, on contracts, then it'll kick off big time. I still reckon most iPhone users will want one within a year.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:55, Reply)

I've Shazamed 4 times now, because it's so convinently easy to do now.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:56, Reply)

mebbe go for a run or summat instead of adding yet more drugs?

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:03, Reply)

Or walk a dog MASSIVE WINKS.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:15, Reply)

is this another sex thing?

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:38, Reply)

I looked at your photos on twitter to check, and yes you're well fit m8

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:34, Reply)

I looked at all the naked photos your missus keeps sending me and you are well fit mate.

( Peej, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:41, Reply)

Thanks m8, glad you like them.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:48, Reply)

Safe blud, what is your @name? I'll follow you, bet there's some well good #bantz

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:52, Reply)

I'll follow you l8r m8, it's dave something or other, dunno, don't tweet but I like to both read and judge other people on there.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:55, Reply)

Noyce whan bruvah.
My schtict at the moment is using Emoji to say as much as I can.

💩👑-👹 = shitking-hell = shitting hell.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:57, Reply)

Look at this whit !
https://twitter.com/PaulyPutz/status/593332751320948737
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:59, Reply)

Swear down, if they don't fix the HTTPS bug, imma tweet Rob.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:00, Reply)

jesus, maybe i'll just leave it for now

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:01, Reply)

yah'yah', like you didn't rase a smile, I'M ONTO YOU.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:16, Reply)

👀🌊 (I see)
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:00, Reply)

Egg Zack Lee

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:13, Reply)

always, m8

( $$ ✅, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 11:31, Reply)

I'm ready for the beach.
The question is: is the beach ready for me?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:12, Reply)

do your eggs need a certain temperature to hatch?

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:14, Reply)

I tend to slather them in Factor 50 so they come to a slow boil.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:19, Reply)

well this is all very arousing

(lol man river definite greek god, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 12:25, Reply)