Mental Home Sweet Home

Talk to me! (like lovers do)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 7:58, 201 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A slight improvement on normal HSH threads
but could do with more cock.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:04, Reply)

I'm making fun of the mental
And almost zombies. You want the moon on a stick, you.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:14, Reply)

Morning!
Very creative, Light.

How are we today?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:23, Reply)

Well, good morning chaps
How doth it go?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:27, Reply)

The moon on a stick would be heavy
can I have a gold-plated dolphin instead?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:30, Reply)

Morning Bert
I'd call you a donkey-rimming, goat-felching wankstain or something, just to keep you happy, but that seems a bit of a rude way to greet someone first thing in the morning.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:36, Reply)

Cunting hell
I drank far more than is sensible for a Monday night. I'm at work and still a bit pissed and yes I realise that implies that I wasn't entirely fit to drive this morning but lets gloss over that with OHMYGODIFEELLIKESHITE!
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:36, Reply)

K2k6
that sounds like an ideal b3tan greeting to me, how are you doing anyway, you lump on the testicle of mullered?

Not that I give a shit, obviously.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:38, Reply)

Alright K2!
I'm shattered - had a few ciders last night and as happens occasionally I woke up early - 2am to be precise. So yeah, tired! How's you?

*sympathetic with V*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:39, Reply)

I'm not bad at all Bert
How are you? Has your cock gone green and fallen off yet?

Edit@No3L - you awoke at 2am? 'kinell, I was dead to the world for seven hours solid last night and am still needing more sleep.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:40, Reply)

K
That happened a long time ago, I'm now the proud owner of an Endocock.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:48, Reply)

Well
I managed to drift off again at half five - half an hour before my alarm.

And I was asleep at 9.15pm :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:48, Reply)

Thank you no3l
I've got to work an extra hour today as well to make up time for Thursday (leaving early for a hospital appointment)

*cries*
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 8:53, Reply)

Oh fuck
The fire alarm test! My poor head!!!
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:00, Reply)

I also drank too much for a Monday night
And my annual performance review is today. I suppose I ought to get some work done.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:06, Reply)

Mornin'
Today it's my 3 month appraisal at work. This is when my company decide whether or not they want to keep me forever or fire me on the spot (this is their last chance to do so). They can of course still fire me, but they would have to jump through loads of hoops in order to do so.

@Cap V re hungover firealarm test: OUCH!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:08, Reply)

Spakka you have the wrong end of the stick
It was a still somewhat drunk fire alarm test.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:10, Reply)

Our fire alarm test
is 2pm on Wednesdays.

If I'm hung over then, I deserve everything that's coming to me! But 9am's a bit cruel.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:11, Reply)

Luckily it's not too long
I can't remember the last time I was hungover on a Tuesday morning. It was certainly before I started working here (best part of a year ago now).

There are some good photos though so it's all good.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:14, Reply)

And as soon as I arrive, I'm off
See ya this evening. Wish me luck in my appraisal.

I agree with K2k6: Fire alarm testers should take morning sobriety into account.

@Cap V: Still, at least drunken fire alarm tests aren't as bad as hungover fire alarm tests.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:15, Reply)

Morning all
Spakka, I'd wash my hands if I was you, that a shitty stick.

Still drunk V, good man. Drink lots of coffee, throw up, then go home!

No3L 2am that's when I was just going to my bed, and then up at 6am bright eyed and bushy tailed!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:18, Reply)

Morning Dok Minge
I can't survive long on four hours sleep. I'm fine when I get up, but by lunchtime I'm falling off the perch.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:20, Reply)

Well, I'm back, I'm back in black
actually, i'm back in a nice green rip curl hoody and blue jeans. But the fact remains that i'm back in the UK, and you're all still a bunch of insufferable cunts.

*waves to all and sundry and distributes hugs and kisses where appropriate*
(Bazongaloid, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:21, Reply)

Morning Dok
I think coffee would make me throw up when sober so I hate to think what it'd do to me now. I'm drinking lots of water at the moment but it doesn't seem to be helping yet.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:21, Reply)

Also
did anyone else get the Heather Nova reference on the original thread?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:22, Reply)

Oooo! a male dominated thread.
*injects some femininity*

*giggles*
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:23, Reply)

K2
My normal sleeping time is between 4 and 5 hours a night, I function well on this for about a month then I need to sleep for about 12 hours in one stretch.

It's amazing what the body can handle when you don't give it much choice!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:23, Reply)

*waves*
Welcome back Al, how was Ozland?

*is injected with femininity*

HI BGB. Does that mean I'm a woman now?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:27, Reply)

@Dok
No, it just means you're in touch with your feminine side.


*waves at Al*
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:30, Reply)

Morning Dok, bgb
and welcome back, al. We didn't miss you, not one bit.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:30, Reply)

Our fire alarm test
Is 2:15 on Thursday - I'm usually ok by then.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:33, Reply)

Phew
I was a bit worried there for a moment. I've always been in touch with my feminine side, I think it helped haveing a lot of female friends when I was younger.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Bugger
I've just had my third ever bout of drinking related vomiting. It was not fun.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:38, Reply)

In touch with your feminine side?
Is that like playing with your moobs?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:38, Reply)

V
Keep adding water to your body, if you dehydrate then things will get worse, and if you vomit again at last you'll have something in there to come out!

No K2, I have no moobs, well at least I'm trying to get rid of them with the power of positive thought, and eating and drinking less!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:40, Reply)

But
you've just been injected with femininity, Dok Minge. So your breasts will start swelling soon.

Also, you'll get really cranky one week in every four.

And lose the ability to reverse park and read maps.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Sage advice there Dok
I don't think I had anything to drink before I went to bed which doesn't help. Just ate some crisps and I'm feeling a lot better now.

I wonder how much this idiot drank last night...
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Morning all
Today I am learning everything I never wanted to know about postcodes. It's not as interesting as it sounds.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:52, Reply)

K2
I can't drive, it's something I want to learn this year, along with playing the Bass, The guitar, and the Theremin!

Grouchy one week in four, that will be normal then, but losing the ability to read maps, that I can't live without, how would I get anyplace?

V I don't know what's wrong with me recently, I'm full of good advice and it's just not right!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:53, Reply)

Heather Nova?
Al, don't tell me you don't recognise Eurythmics lyrics when you see them?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:56, Reply)

Ningaling
Cock lovers!

I recognised it Light
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:00, Reply)

Lights
I was trying to ignore it to be honest, they're not my most favourite band!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:03, Reply)

Anyone else seen this?
www.nypost.com/seven/01112009/news/nationalnews/this_kids_a_text_maniac_149614.htm

14,548 text messages in a month.

484 messages a day...
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:09, Reply)

MORNING!!!
Capital letters are fun, but this was annoying me written in them.

Or more accurately, rather annoying. How are all the little minions this fine morning?

edits - Morning Ethel. That is frankly ridiculous. Kids these days, eh?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:09, Reply)

AL'S BACK?!?!
OMFG!?!?!?

*does a sexy dance*

Al, al, I've missed you, al.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:13, Reply)

Do we have a spare room for Bert and Al.
A broom cupboard?

Anything?
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:18, Reply)

Jebus Crispy Red
That's one hell of an addiction!

Hi PoD, how's tricks?

EDIT BGB I'm sure we could confine them somewhere.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:21, Reply)

You're just
jealous
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:26, Reply)

Ooo! it's dead around here today.
*goes back to internet window shopping*
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:37, Reply)

So I said no, the Vicar shouldn't have his finger there...
especially not this soon after Christmas.

O, HAI!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:43, Reply)

Performance review
Apparently I am totally awesome.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:51, Reply)

There are differences
between reviews and bollocks.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:55, Reply)

Aha lo again
b3tan mushybees has a daily rant blog which is really rather good:

tumescentwithrage.blogspot.com/

Edit: allo DiT! How're you and your ecclesiastical intruder?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:56, Reply)

I've got my 3 month appraisal next week
Hopefully they'll gloss over the almost total lack of work.

I'm rather glad my internet isn't filtered or monitored! (I have a compulsion to click anything labelled as NSFW)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:58, Reply)

That's what you think Sam...

( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 10:59, Reply)

That's what I know V!
Being as I'm in charge of filtering everyone else's.. ;)

Quite comical to watch all the 17 year old admin girls try to get on Facebook every half an hour, all day, even though they know it's blocked. And even though they know it will email me. And their manager. How stupid can you be? If it's blocked once it will be always be blocked!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:03, Reply)

Mmmmmm
17 year old admin girls*

*May or may not be the booze talking.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:05, Reply)

Haha
I feel like a proper dirty old man for eyeing them up when I see them on a cigarette break. And I'm not even old!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:07, Reply)

Hmm
I appeared to wander off, and not much had changed when I returned. Damn recession taking it's toll on the HSH thread. Despicable.

Are you well Mr Tights?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:13, Reply)

HSH recession?
Perhaps we could get the government to inject a few billion pounds into HSH, to get the chatflow going again?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:17, Reply)

k2k6
It'll create 1000s of jobs!*


*may be a lie, but fits with the government's plan.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:22, Reply)

ningnong you spluff guzzlers!

how goes it in the fluffeh world of OT?

*hands out cake, kittehs and huggles*

I have made a two hour job stretch for a month and a half now. It's a matter of time before I get busted I reckon, and my annual review is on Thursday.

/gets 'teh fear'
(Jam Rasta Geordie JMG's Jamaican cousin, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:36, Reply)

If I had a big bag of cash
I would pay the BBC to let me make a film of me stepping out of the Tardis, turning to David Tennant and saying, "I'd leave it a few minutes if I was you, mate."
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:40, Reply)

V
There is nothing wrong with 17 year old admin girls. Can I have some, I'm in the mood to break somebody!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:49, Reply)

If I had any going spare
You could have one or two. Hell at the moment if I had any at all you could have them - I'm not fit for anything like that today.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:53, Reply)

I'm all gravy, ta.
Not that I'm made of gravy, that'd be quite odd. ;)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:53, Reply)

Poor V
Are you still feeling poorly?

Hi DiT, glad you're not made of gravy, how would you manage to hold yourself together if you were.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 11:58, Reply)

Rough as shit
I've been to the bogs to let my stomach do it's thing 3 or 4 times now. When I should have had my stomach pumped I woke up sober and without a hangover. Last night I drank significantly less than that occasion (but still drank a lot) and I'm feeling as I'll as I've ever felt because of drinking.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Eep V, that's not good :(
Definitely get plenty of water.

I'm so catastrophically bored at work, and QOTW is slow today. Time to learn more knots, methinks!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:07, Reply)

V
Keep drinking the water, let your guts do what they need too.

Remember you've poisoned yourself and need to flush th toxins out!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:10, Reply)

I went to the pub with Wookiee last night.
He got drunk and I got giggly. But I feel quite perky and motivated today.

In fact, I've done so much, I deserve a smoke :)
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:12, Reply)

Dok quit giving out good advice
I'm getting worried about you!
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:15, Reply)

You need more alcohol V
Sounds like hair of the dog is the only thing that will save you. Go for a fry up and as many pints as you can down during your lunch break, then find somewhere to snooze the afternoon away.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:18, Reply)

I really wish I could do that
I'm going straight to bed when I get in.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh
HELP ME

I must stop it with the good advice! What can I do?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:26, Reply)

Dok...
use it on yourself?
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:27, Reply)

Find a way to help me hold down water
Why can't I even hold down water?! FFS!
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Drixy
But I don't need any advice.

V a sink plunger, that'll keep it down, or killl you. Don't know which.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:36, Reply)

Now THAT is the sort of advice we like
*loves Dok again but a little more gently than last night*
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:37, Reply)

Good advice, eh?
*sings*

I don't need no good advice,
I'm already wasted.

*blushes at knowing the lyrics to a Girls Aloud song*

*goes away*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:40, Reply)

K2k6
Who are these, "Girls Aloud"?
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:54, Reply)

"Aloud"?
Rather than "demure and silent until instructed otherwise"?

Extraordinary!
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:00, Reply)

They should be
Girls Not Allowed!

V you were loving me last night? I didn't notice!

'noon Wookie.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:13, Reply)

Typical
Some colleagues are arranging a night out and I can't make it because I'll be in France.

Rohypnol my dear Doktor!
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:13, Reply)

Dagnabit V
I told you I needed that for revenge at the next bash!

How was I? Good?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:19, Reply)

Well
I tried out a few new positions but I think they'd work better with somebody that can support their own limbs.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:31, Reply)

You see
If you will go drugging people that's what you get!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:33, Reply)

My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day
I must remember to check the best before date on my rohypnol.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:36, Reply)

Did somebody mention Girls Aloud?
That Nadine Coyle would get it RIGHT up her.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:38, Reply)

*returns*
Actually, Bert, they all would.

Except the ginger one, cos she's a munter.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:43, Reply)

Chains
Mine was in date, I would offer you some but V used it last night. He knew I needed it as well!

Bert, get what right up her what?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:45, Reply)

Oh the poor ginger one!
I'll do her, if you like.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:47, Reply)

They would all get it, but especially Nadine
It'd go in this order: Nadine, meatball head, blonde one, X factor one, ginger one, twice.

You know exactly what I mean, Dok
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:48, Reply)

*innocents*
What me? I'm a good boy I'll have you know!

Drixy you can have the ginger one, red heads do funny things to me.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Oh good!
Perhaps she'll do funny things to me, too!
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:51, Reply)

Kimberley's a meatball head then?
Don't quite see the resemblance. But she'd still get it.

Clendrix, you're welcome to the ginge.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:52, Reply)

I mean
Funny, but not in a good way for company.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:52, Reply)

I used to have a thing for redheads
but now it's flacid and got leprosy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:52, Reply)

The thing you have to remember about redheads
was mentioned on these pages once:

Rusty roof - smelly garage.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:55, Reply)

Oh...so no one wants to share the redhead?
No problem. I'll ask Lusty instead.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:55, Reply)

Actually Drixy
Having just googled them, (ok I could not remember what they looked like) you may have a fight for the redhead, she looks the best of all of them!

Not that that's saying much.

K2, I want to see the evidence of that statement!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:58, Reply)

Hey!
Nothing wrong with a big of ginge. An ex-boyfriend was a ginge and my bezzie mate is one also.


*stands up for the ginge minority*
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 13:58, Reply)

@Dok
You'll have to go and find your own redhead.

I went out with one a couple of years back and the theory was experimentally verified.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:00, Reply)

I
didn't say there was anything wrong with the ginge, I have a bit of ginger in my hair.

They just do funny things to me.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:00, Reply)

With a test sample of 1?
K2 that's silly science. Boo to poor experimental methods!

If you find me a more suitably sized sample of red heads I'll help with more rigorous investigations.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:02, Reply)

I'm so sorry
*sings*

Dok likes giner best of all the girls aloud
Dok likes ginger she's his friend!

Inspired by "she looks the best of all of them" in case you were wondering.

No I'm not entirely sober yet.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:03, Reply)

K2, you call yourself a scientist!
I'd say you just went out with a mingin' Dundonian.

With you methodology I can say that all women scream very loudly during sex, and I have a larger sample.


Can't say I recognise that song V.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:05, Reply)

I'm sorry to break it to you Dok
But all the women in your sample were faking it.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:06, Reply)

Yes I know
it's not a statistically significant sample size. But I have enough trouble getting one girl at a time, let alone dozens. And I'm not particularly attracted to redheads in general. I just came across that expression and found it to be true in that one case.

Anyway, the current K2-ess is not a redhead, so all is well.

Edit - she wasn't a Dundonian!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:07, Reply)

You then had a very lucky escape K2
If she'd have been a ginger Dundonian it would have had teeth and screwed you back!

V, sorry to Disillusion you matey, no they weren't!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:12, Reply)

In that case
All the women in my sample must have been lying when they told me I was great in bed. Bugger.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:13, Reply)

G'afternoon, my filthy meat-horde
How goes it?
Missed me?
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:15, Reply)

I think I would run a mile
from a ginger Dundonian.

Anyway, I'd use the built in safety valve which occurs when drinking. You know, when a previously unattractive woman becomes more alluring the more you have to drink?

Well, in that case the safety mechanism would kick in. I'd need so much drink to make her look attractive that I wouldn't be physically able to get it up.

/sexist
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:16, Reply)

Gag coming loose, Dok?
You'll find a ball gag, or a rolled-up sock held in with gaffer tape, will work much better.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Hi Kaol
You kept mooving too fast to draw a bead on, so I kept missing you!

Maybe you missheard. They may have said "you have a great bed"!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Dagnabit Wookie
You're not supposed to tell them all that!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:20, Reply)

Hmmm...
I was driving, to be fair.
So... What the fuck is this conversation all about?
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:21, Reply)

Wookiee is an expert on the rolled-up sock theory.
Dok, what's wrong with you?

Why was Kaol mooving? Has he been herding cattle? And why are you drawing beads?

Is it time for your meds?
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:23, Reply)

This thread still has too much testosterone in it.
*mentions her periods*



Edit - Yay clendrix - mention your period as well. Let's get some more femininity into this thread.
( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:24, Reply)

@ clendrix
'draw a bead' = aim at something (or someone!)

Hi Kaol!

*relurks until conversation about gingers stops*
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:25, Reply)

Hi Sam!
So... The opposite of testosterone...
Anyone tried the Windows 7 beta?

*wanders a safe distance, whistling*
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:28, Reply)

But why?
Why is he doing it?
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:28, Reply)

Have I missed the Bert./Al reunification?
*sobs at missing out on all the felching on display*

Noons all, I'm on reception today and tomorrow and it sucks arse. How is everyone?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:31, Reply)

OK Drixy
You got me with the far too many o's in there. Nothing wrong with me, I had blanked the Wookie balled up sock thing from my mind!

Yes Wookie, the ballgag came loose again, you know how it is when they squirm.

Sam come back, I promise not to talk about gingers any more!

EDIT Drixy because Kaol asked if we missed him, and I'm trying to sort out my 'giving good advice' head.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:32, Reply)

I've downloaded it, but not installed it yet
It needs 16GB of hard disk, and I thought Vista was bloated!

No classic view (possibly the thing I'm going to hate most about it)

And no more up button in Explorer. (Why?! That's how the file system works! Folders are inside other folders!* By all means have a back button for the retards, but I don't like using it)

Also calculator and Wordpad now have the gash ribbon interface, urgh.

I know more and more fuckwits are buying computers these days but why reduce all the software to the lowest common denominator? There should be a button that says 'I know what I'm doing. Leave me the fuck alone with all your gayness'

I'll try it at some point soon, when I can rustle up a spare computer that'll handle it, it's not about trying to dual boot and fucking your main computer over!

*_{I only stopped referring to them as directories very recently, when I realised the amount of people who didn't know what I was on about}

/rant

Hi becks!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:33, Reply)

Hi Becky
Sam, Microshite just want you to use something that handles like a mac!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:35, Reply)

So...
We've got a clocking-in-machine-system here at work.
It's controlled by "The Master Clock", which had broken recently.
The Clock Man has come to repair it, and he looks like he's come forward in time by twenty years. So I'm semi-tempted to:

A) Destroy the Master Clock so he can't get back to his own time.

and

B) Rip the Flux Capacitor out of his van, then sell it back to him for huge amounts of money.
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:36, Reply)

Option C)
Bung him £20 to modify it so it adds an extra half an hour to every day you work.

@ Dok - yeah I know, and I don't like it! My computer is a tool to do jobs. I don't feel the need for it to be my friend.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:37, Reply)

Kaol
A modified B. Give it to me so I can create a time machine, then we could have MEGA FUN. Bashes every night, and nobody would want for anything!

Sam I lnow what you mean, M$ is getting far too fluffehh for my liking.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:41, Reply)

Afternoon all
I spent a while this morning looking at PA systems to buy, and nearly spent a large amount of money there and then, which would have been fun...

I hear/see that al is back in the country. Has Bert jumped/man loved him yet?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:42, Reply)

I'm not TALKING to him
He's from the past, he could be dangerous.
Plus he's wearing a brown boiler suit.
Never trust a man clad entirely in brown, unless he's a Ghostbuster.
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:42, Reply)

*sads*
I have a brown boiler suit (although I'm not currently wearing it)

What you thinking of getting Penguin?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:44, Reply)

Ooh, brown boiler suit, Sam?
Very cute!
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:45, Reply)

Sam, are you a Ghostbuster?
'Cos that'd be ok.
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:46, Reply)

Kaol
Maybe it's actually blue and he's just been rolling in poo....


I'm thinking a pair of wharfedale titan 12" speakers and a wharfedale spx613 head, Sam.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:47, Reply)

I don't bust ghosts
I like to make them.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:52, Reply)

I know a guy who claims to
Be a professional Paranormal Investigator.
But every time he investigates anything, there ends up being a huge fire.
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:54, Reply)

I've just read through the thread
and still have no idea of what the buggering fuck you lot are on about!
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:55, Reply)

Becky!
FFS, make them stop. I've been here all day and I have no fucking idea what's going on.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:55, Reply)

I'll take a picture of me wearing it for you clendrix ;)
It's mostly covered in paint though, so only about half brown these days.

@ Kaol - if I told you, I'd have to kill you...

@ PoD - You'll probably get a better bang for your buck going with a passive mixer and active speakers. Makes the upgrade paths a bit more straightforward (because once you get speakers, the main thing you want will be MORE SPEAKERS), plus will generally be slightly better quality cos of the target market...

For good powered speakers on the cheap look at the Studiospares Fortissimo range: they come out of the same Chinese factory as a lot of other OEM plastic speakers, but without so much markup... (like the Wharfedales, they're the usual identikit Chinese OEMs but they charge a premium because they bought the name of a British hifi manufacturer that was good 30 years ago)

dB Technologies and RCF are also worth a look.

Mixer wise there's plenty for not much money, just think about what you want to plug into it and add about 30% to future proof yourself.

Don't buy anything with the word Behringer on it, it's the ultimate false economy.

If you throw me a few more details on type of music, size of rooms you'll use it in, what's being plugged into it, budget etc etc etc I'm sure I can find you something suitable.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:57, Reply)

RIGHT YOU CUNTING TRAMP FELCHERS
act normal, you're freaking me out now.

/reign of terror before it really got started.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Yo Clenders,
does a Waffle Warning mean that you're going to be talking a load of bollocks again?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Kaol
Does this person have Black in his name?

This thread is the thread of things that should not be understood. Either that or it's just too esoteric for you!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 14:58, Reply)

Yeah...
He does...

Which, by strange coincidence reminds me that tomorrow is the concluding part of the new comic.

Or is it...?
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:02, Reply)

Er, 'yo' Wookiee
No. It means I'm on my way round to your office with a waffle iron to wrap around your fucking head.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:02, Reply)

Clenders
That doesn't seem terribly practical.

Perhaps some brown paper and parcel tape or some bubble wrap would work better.
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:06, Reply)

Drixy
Can I come and watch, that sound like it could be a laugh!

Nice Kaol, I hope it's not the end.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:07, Reply)

It won't be, I promise you that :)
Hmmm... Clock-Man has gone.
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:09, Reply)

V, I can see your point.
Put it away...

But if I lamp him one with a waffle iron, I can make waffles afterwards for a celebratory feast.
Dok, sure! Audience welcome.

But anyway, the one at whom the Waffle Warning is actually aimed knows who he is.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:09, Reply)

Me?
I was waffling...

I want waffles now though. Bastard.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:11, Reply)

Kaol
Did he just vanish, or did he walk out the door and drive away at 88 mph?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:11, Reply)

Yo Beckymajig
hows it going?

/normality
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:12, Reply)

Waffles?
I love waffles, they're great!

*plans waffle-based adventure*

Dok, I think he just finished his work and went home...
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Red
You're banished from the land. There will be none of this "normality" malarkey round these parts!
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:15, Reply)

Normality
is what the moral majority say it is, and as very few of us could be classed as members of the moral majority there shall be no normality here!

That's a pity Kaol, I wanted his flux capacitor!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Capn V
hence the closing '/'

:P Now, be gone, and shush dear boy.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Sam!
Was that 'bastard' directed at me?
How rude!

No, the sig is for Kaol, and he knows this.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:18, Reply)

You made me think of waffles
And I have none :(

And I can't go home for another two hours. And now all I can think about is waffles.

Plus, I thought you might be accusing me of waffling :P
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:19, Reply)

You?
Waffling?

Certainly not ;)

I want waffles too. But I have an agreement.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:20, Reply)

An agreement?
Sounds shady...

You haven't signed an exclusivity deal with a crumpet company have you?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:22, Reply)

I too would like a waffle about now
But I have none, I don't even have waffle makings in the house!

*sads*
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:23, Reply)

No...
but I do have a bit of crumpet to eat waffles with :)
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:23, Reply)

Crumpets!
I've not eaten any in quite some time.* I really want some now.**


*Both interpretations of this sentence are correct

**Applies to both interpretations
( Captain V, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Oi!
I'm not "A bit of crumpet"!

*cries*
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Flux capacitor, you say?
*wanders over to flux capacitor cupboard*

I've got one rated at 1.52 GW - that any good?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:29, Reply)

K2
You're a saviour, you know that don't you. I'm sure I can generate that amount of power by rubbing two boyscouts together.

The time if the infinite bash is at hand!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:35, Reply)

Oh yes you are, Kaol.
You're full of interesting holes, you're hot and you're very comforting.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:36, Reply)

@Dok Minge
Do you want a loan of my Swiss Army knife too? It's got that special tool for picking boy scouts out of horses' hooves.

@Clendrix - but does he give you a pleasant sensation in your mouth?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:37, Reply)

It may be 1.52GW, but what's the capacitance?
We've got some 3F downstairs, not sure what voltage they are though.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:37, Reply)

He He
'Interesting holes'

What a nice turn of phrase you have there young Clendrix.

EDIT It's OK K2 I have one of them already.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:38, Reply)

Er, Sam
it's a flux capacitor. Not an electrolytic.

And I think my one's over rated. I only really need 1.21GW at 88mph.

And 13.8V, as it's running on a car electrical system.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:40, Reply)

K2k6!
*blushes*
I cannot say...
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:42, Reply)

The extra rating
will be used as a safety measure, bigger is better as I've been told!

Drixy, does he make you all warm and tingly betwix your nethers?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Erm,
he makes my heart feel happy. Will that do?
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:45, Reply)

Oh Drixy
You're such a sweetheart. I'm so glad I know you.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:47, Reply)

:)
*hugs Dok*
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:53, Reply)

See
I am a nice man really!

Don't believe anybody who tells you otherwise.

*hugs back*
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Hmmm...
I just sacked someone, that was fun :D

And I've got coffee. This afternoon gets better and better!
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 15:59, Reply)

I was saying lovely things about you
and you were sacking someone!

Hmmm...seems OK.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Kaol
That seems to be getting a regular occurance. What for this time?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Dok
By 'sacked' Kaol means 'put in a sack and drowned', he doesn't need a reason.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:05, Reply)

It was a temp :p
So it's not like I sacked a real person.

Er... I had to pop into the factory, and I caught one of them pointing a pneumatic pin-gun at another one, "gangsta-style".
Those things are dangerous.
So he's gone.

Yeah, I put him in a sack and drowned him in petrol...
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:05, Reply)

I'd like to go that way
Petrol smells lovely.

*points 'pneumatic pin gun' gangsta style*

*winks*

*wanks*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Massive Stupidity
I still don't believe that some people can be that stupid!

I've seen one of those shot at a target through a piece of 3/4" plywood.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:10, Reply)

*dips Burt's head*
(Not like that)

Er... I like the smell of petrol. But I'd like to burn it, rather than drown in it.
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Why 'not like that'?
You both fucking love it.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:16, Reply)

Al's back...
I don't want him getting sad.
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:17, Reply)

Al won't be sad, he's been gone for a long time
he'll understand if I move on.

Which I absolutely fucking won't, because I love that man and his rigid, throbbing meatstick.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:19, Reply)

Yeah...
It's like an Attack Helicopter made entirely of extra-salty bacon.

Unusual, meaty and uncompromisingly throbbing.

I think I've made myself a bit scared :|
( Cawl, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:22, Reply)

Don't be scared, you big pansy
al's cock is something to be admred and worshipped, not feared. For when stroked vigorously, it gives forth the spooge of life.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:26, Reply)

Al goes like a piston
on a Victorian water pump.
Firm.
Steady.
Lasts over 100 years.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:26, Reply)

You're doing it wrong, clenders
I can make him pop in less than four seconds.

But I do have to talk like Wee Jimmy Krankie and defecate on his sister.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:28, Reply)

Bugger off!
I don't want him finished that quickly!

I stay on until I'm done and then I take him to the park and he does the tramps.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:33, Reply)

You're a very selfish lover, drixy
I like to please.

Everyone.

At least twice.

Just ask al.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:35, Reply)

Fucking right.




Is important.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:37, Reply)

Was that
Fucking right is important, or fucking right, I's important?

I don't fuck, I prefer to make sweet and beautiful love, preferably up the arse.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:40, Reply)

Eh?
Fucking is love.

Isn't it?

Isn't it, Uncle Dave?
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Fucking isn't love
Uncle Dave lied, he just wanted to see how many transformers he could fit up your mimsy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:44, Reply)

Well, he certainly found out.
I didn't mind.
It was fun when they transformed.
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:46, Reply)

I'd like to see Soundwave's sword hitting Clendrix's cervix
I think I just invented a new tongue-twister.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:48, Reply)

Hurrah!
Another thread killed to death.
*removes transformers*
*goes to Pizza Express*
( thealternativefact, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 17:08, Reply)