Hey bitches.
Have a home sweet home thread.



Love you all you bunch of cunts lovely people!
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:05, 108 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning to you too
This morning my watch smelt worse :(

It was a bad start to the day
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:06, Reply)

Morning smelly watch
And VC.

I'm going to work now, loads to do =/
( Captain V, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:09, Reply)

aww TGB
Maybe you should drop your watch off for cleaning?

Or just chuck it in some bleach - if it's waterproof. :D
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:09, Reply)

I don't want to be called smelly watch!
*cries*

Pondering if I should have a few people round on my actual birthday for a meal and some drinkies. Maybe some Mario party...

I've realised it's just over two weeks away now *gleeS*

And it's not waterproof and I don't think the leather would react well with bleach
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:10, Reply)

Also
Happy b3taday VC
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:12, Reply)

aha thank youTGB
Can I come to your birfday? Pweaaaaaase? I won't vomm on anyone!

And I would buy another watch. Get a cheapie. :D
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:15, Reply)

Oy! Smelly watch!
I meant to tell you this y-day, but forgot.

Wash the strap of the watch in vinegar, then tomato juice, then clean water.

I cud bore u with the scientific nerdy bit why this will work, but I won't.
(bugboybeast, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:15, Reply)

Tomato juice
on a brown leather strap sounds bad :(

And it was already a cheap watch I'm just fond of it :p

And if you can get to the UK VC you're more than welcome
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:25, Reply)

oh damn it
I can't get there until next year :(

Oh well. I'll be there for your birthday in '11. ok?? :D
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:27, Reply)

Just a quick hello
before I set off to work.

Oh and VeeCee, does your watch smell of Garlic?

Bye_eeeee!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:27, Reply)

why would my watch
smell of garlic?
/sniffs watch...


no. it doesn't. Again - why?!
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:29, Reply)

Smelly Watch.
Smelly Watch.
What is she feeding you?

Morning all.

*hugs*
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:32, Reply)

@vamp
vampire

garlic

vampire

garlic

oh come on!
(bugboybeast, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:34, Reply)

Morning mong-fondlers
TGB, a new strap would only cost a few quid.
Today's entry from my medical trivia desk calendar is "Why do stoners get the munchies?"
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:36, Reply)

al
you win me.
( wanderlust, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:40, Reply)

Al
you win a short (10 second) boobie jiggle.

Don't take advantage though or I'll slap you.
Hard.

and Oh. I totally missed the whole vampyre - garlic thing.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:41, Reply)

Being interesting sounds like a lot of effort
Dok that was lovely
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:42, Reply)

*sads*
Are you willing to share Al?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:45, Reply)

TGB
a sillier question I've never heard.
It's Al. Think about it.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:48, Reply)

What if I don't want to be shared?
over and over and over again?
( wanderlust, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:49, Reply)

Endocannabinoids
It seems that the chemicals that the brain uses to activate hunger are in the same family as marijuana so it binds to the same receptors. Tada!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:50, Reply)

I'm not wearing my watch today
And I have lots of hog meat.

Lusty you love being shared over and over and over again
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:54, Reply)

Lusty we know you'd be lying if you said that
You filthy cum drinking whore!
( Captain V, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:56, Reply)

Steady on v!
I'm not your mum.
( wanderlust, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:58, Reply)

Hog?
I wish I had lots of hog, but it's in the house for my dinner tomorrow. Might make a sauce for it, any suggestions.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:58, Reply)

You're not?!
Now I feel dirty...
( Captain V, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 9:59, Reply)

How much do you need Dok?
It's hard to collect it though because I keep licking my fingers
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:00, Reply)

Just as long as the sharing
Doesn't involve TGB being sent assorted body parts in the post.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:02, Reply)

you guys just made my night
you really really did.

:)

You're the best distraction from studying ever.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:09, Reply)

I am going to a tea museum.
Then I am going to meet a german man from the internets. I hope he doesn't try and smell me.

Be good while I'm gone.
( wanderlust, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:10, Reply)

Badger
About a quarter pint, I'll use it for a glaze.

Mmmmmmmmmm Tasty.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:10, Reply)

He will Lusty
He's German. It's what they do.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:11, Reply)

I've met lots of Germans
And they didn't try to smell me.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:12, Reply)

I'm not german
but smell a lot of people
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:13, Reply)

some smells
turn me on like you wouldn't believe.

oh my god. Rollies and mint and aftershave together..... fuck I love that smell.

/shuffles off and closes the door for a while.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:15, Reply)

Yes Badger
I remember you smelling me at a bash, but then again so did Ducky.

Vampy, I'll have to remember that combination. There are some smells that do it for me as well.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:17, Reply)

Dok
What's your favourite smell?

And it's a specific kind of aftershave - I don't know the name - just that it's in a blue glass bottle and some people can't wear it without smelling like they're a greasy pimp while other people smell divine.

God. Rollies and mint and aftershave.... so fucking good!
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:20, Reply)

Is that the Bramah Museum of Tea and Coffee?
Only the website says it's closed for refurbishment until early 2009. Have you checked it is now open?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:22, Reply)

Vampy
Frying garlic, roasting pork, and some cheeses, not the really smelly ones though.

Oh and frying eggs, and of course lovely ladies, they always smell nice.

But it's not the food smells that turn me on.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:25, Reply)

Good morning everyone!
I went to bed early and didn't set my alarms properly so I'm all refreshed after lots and lots of sleep. Even then I was still only an hour late.

How are you all this fine Tuesday morning?
(bill, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:26, Reply)

VC
Hugo Boss Dark Blue comes in a blue glass bottle. I know, I wear it.
*buys mints*
*stands next to Dok*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:27, Reply)

Light
sorry - that's not it. The shape and colour of the bottle is wrong.

EDIT: dok - I'm guessing it's the lovely lady smell that turns you on?
It turns me on too. :D

ahaha that reminds me - one of my guy mates once told me that I smelled "all good and nice and pretty and girly and fruity" and I was like "fruity?" and he's gone "yeah - like strawberries"

My moisturiser is based on strawberries.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:29, Reply)

Darn
*rapidly moves away from Dok*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:31, Reply)

Old Spice
Does that not come in a blue bottle?

Chains I don't smoke rollies, in fact I may not be smoking for much longer at all.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:33, Reply)

it's not Old Spice
it smells better then that.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:35, Reply)

Certain lady's smell
Not every lady does it fo me. But all ladies smell very nice.

Come back Chains, I'll smell you if you want.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:36, Reply)

And
Davidoff cool water.

Which smells nice.

I feel asleep reading a haynes manual last night. Woke up at three face down in it. Smalls quite heavily of petrol and oil. Weird thing to wake up to. Explains the weird ass dreams I had as well
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:37, Reply)

Actually
TGB - that bottle looks similar to the bottle of aftershave.... maybe that's it.

I'll get back to you on thursday after work. :D
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:39, Reply)

Oh Badger
Tell us your dream. I rarely remember any of mine.

Except for two of them.

*shudders*
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:39, Reply)

@ al I smell
of hog grease and you love it
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:39, Reply)

Good Morning Internets.
How's ym?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Hi DiT
I love Hog.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:50, Reply)

Yeh, how did it go, Tightly?
Hope the smokes didn't slow you down :)
( thealternativefact, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:55, Reply)

Let's see...
I nearly. Fucking. Died.

But - I did it, and I'm very proud, and I felt really good afterwards. I am carrying a faint aroma of deep heat everywhere with me though.

EDIT: HA! It'll take more than a rollie to slow me... Argh!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:55, Reply)

TGB combines the delicate scent of a girly girl
With the muscular aroma of a hog-rendering plant.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:57, Reply)

Good one, Tightly!
Damn right you should feel proud.
( thealternativefact, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:57, Reply)

Congrats DiT
I have no idea what you were running for/from but well done!

*smells self* Oooh yeah that's goooood
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:00, Reply)

I thought it was just the one kitten?
Rammed on the end of his cock while he ran.
( thealternativefact, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:00, Reply)

Al, we are all lost without you.

( thealternativefact, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:05, Reply)

Morning people
Kittens make crap prophylactics. They keep playing with the pubic hair.

For best results, you need to kill it first. A good hard raping usually fucks up its internal organs sufficiently.

*sniffs* I smell quite strongly of Dexron VI gearbox oil due to asplodey metal bits earlier this morning. Mrs Duck asked me which new aftershave I was wearing the other day. It wasn't aftershave - it was Swarfega. I worry about the woman.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:10, Reply)

If only he didn't smell
Like a grease fire on a wet dog.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:11, Reply)

I need to go to the haberdashery
at lunchtime. How much do I love the word habersdasherycocks? Far too much

Damn you AlEdit!!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:25, Reply)

Morning all
I'm curious about Badger's weird ass dreams. Did these involve a troop of donkeys in fancy dress spouting philosophical bollocks? Cos that would be pretty fucking weird.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:53, Reply)

hehe
Sadly no equines were involved.

I started typing it out then realised it was really dull. Stuff happened, I went to light a cigarette then smelt petrol then watched some people get blown up then work up with my face in a book.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:59, Reply)

Dammit Badger
you spoil all my fun, smelly watch.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:06, Reply)

My god you lot are fucking horrible sometimes

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:09, Reply)

Sorry
:(
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:10, Reply)

Yay!
My trainers have arrived! I bought a pair of DB Character trainers from DC shoes from Amazon. I had them delivered to work as I didn't want them left on my doorstep all day.
Now I've got to resist the temptation to change into them.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:11, Reply)

Donkey touching?
*fwap fwap fwap*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:20, Reply)

al
you say lovely things, so you do.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Well you certainly buggered that thread
Didn't you?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:41, Reply)

Yup
I'm a cack handed clot and no mistake.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:41, Reply)

Go
and think about what you've just done.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:42, Reply)

Yes sir
thank you very much sir.

Don't tell rob
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:42, Reply)

DG stop it before I cunt you in the fuck

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:45, Reply)

Yes ma'am
sorry ma'am.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:50, Reply)

*hugs DG*
Must be feeding time, everyone's fucked off
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:55, Reply)

No
I'm off flirting with a special someone.

And now it's bed time. Love you folks!
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:59, Reply)

Thanks becky
I'm off now, lunch time's over :(

Back to the world of rural development and financial rate of return calculations.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:02, Reply)

I'm back
I just needed bit of a lie down after TGB's donkey show.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:07, Reply)

One of our managers brought in a load of cakes
To cheer us up. I am now FIVE CAKES more cheerful.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:10, Reply)

Show those schoolchildren
The back of your hand.
Kids are frightened of liver spots.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:15, Reply)

I used to say "No, sorry"
but them I figured why should I be sorry?
So now I just say "Fuck off." with the same expression and tone of voice I used before, which confuses the hell out of the little scrotes.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:35, Reply)

skoolkids and ciggies
A few months ago, one child from a group hanging outside a shop approached me and said
"'scuse me mate, will ya go inta shop for us, I want some ciggies?"

I replied "Certainly, but you'll have to wait a bit"

He said "Nice one mate." he starts collecting his coppers together "How long for?"

I said "About 4 years. Now fuck off"

Best ad lib I've ever done.
(bugboybeast, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:46, Reply)

Aren't Nursery Rhymes catchy
Hickory Dickory Dock
The slut was sucking cock
Her hair got tangled
the bitch got strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:53, Reply)

Nice one
A risky one is to take their money and then just ignore them when you leave the shop. Teach them a valuable lesson that smoking is expensive. Helps to be a big bastard for that one.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:59, Reply)

Thing is
If you do that here you are just as likely to be shived a teach them a lesson.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:08, Reply)

I'm back I know you
all missed me and the smell of hog grease
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:21, Reply)

I'm learning about skin grafts which is a bit dull
but there's lots of pretty pictures on google image, so not all bad.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:21, Reply)

SIX!
SIX CAKES MORE CHEERFUL!
A bakewell slice, a cherry bakewell, a jaffa cake bar, a caramel cake bar, an angel slice and a chocolate mini roll. Actually I feel a bit sick.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:24, Reply)

I image you
saying that like the count of sesame street
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:26, Reply)

A-a-a
I luff to count!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:28, Reply)

and to
break the thread apparently!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:54, Reply)

Teehee
The canteen staff have just been round collecting cutlery that's been taken from the canteen. Bloke sitting behind me obviously wasn't paying attention as when they jangled their bucket of forks and spoons he reached into his pocket and said, "what's it in aid of?"

edit: *puts on thread killing cloak*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:59, Reply)

You're
getting in to the premier league of thread killers now, alongside the likes of Dok and DG!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:03, Reply)

Oi!
I resent that implication.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:05, Reply)

What do you mean
Young lady!

just managed to save you there DG.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Oh you guys are still here....
:p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:19, Reply)

*smashes thread to bits with hammer*

( thealternativefact, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:19, Reply)

Kittens? Fluffiness?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
*fucks off*
( thealternativefact, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:22, Reply)

And yet
The thread dies anyway.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:42, Reply)

Victory is mine!
I have a jam tart, which means I've had one of each type of cake. OCD FTW!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:50, Reply)

ugh I am having a stupid excel day AGAIN
What conditional format do I need to turn the cells red if the date is in the past? I thought it was just if cell value is less than or equal to =today

*bangs head on desk*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:53, Reply)

TGB
Set a hidden cell to the function TODAY and make the condition "cell value less than that hidden cell".

Edit: or "Formula Is =(A$1
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:02, Reply)

I was forgetting
the stupid () after today.

It works now. I am very happy *jigs*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:15, Reply)

And I forgot
Not to use < in an answer. Rest assured I had () after my Today.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Well get you
with your brackets.

I just successfully wrote an If formula to track if the current First Aid certificate is valid from the main sheet and put either valid or expired on my sumary sheet. I was somewhat pleased with myself.

I could do with a cake though
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:30, Reply)

It turns out
There IS such a thing as too much cake.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 17:40, Reply)