hello off topic
How are you? I'm a bit rubbish thanks.

I need an outside opinion (situation in replies...)
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:38, 60 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

the story...
I have just been dumped. Boo-fucking-hoo I hear you say. Well maybe but I'm not looking for internet hugs here, I'm genuinely curious.

Here's the situation. I've just been to the Download festival, she was going off to France with her son at the same time, for the same length of time, oddly enough. This to me puts her out of reach for a few days but I'm fine with that. We'd been going out for a year and a half, I'm comfortable enough that I don't need continuous contact if we're apart. I see her off thursday morning and I head off myself.

Saturday night I get a pissed off text complaining that I hadn't so much as even said hello to her and that I obviously don't really care and so on. Subsequent texting fails to resolve anything and it's over. I should also point out that this sort of thing has come up before but we've resolved it.

So this is it. Am I an arsehole for not doing something, even if I was thinking about her? Or is she a bit insecure? Or a bit of both, or something I haven't thought of...

Sorry for dumping it on you fine people, but funnily enough her friends backed up her point of view and I'm not ready to speak to mine yet. I need unbiased views...

Feel free to tell me to MTFU if you don't care in the slightest ;)
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:39, Reply)

Well for what it's worth I don't think you did anything wrong and certainly not enough to get dumped.
Sounds like insecurity to me chum.
( girlinthehole, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:44, Reply)

She sounds a bit insecure
But I would probably have texted everyday, just to touch base.
That's just me though.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:49, Reply)

TOUCH BASE????
God, I'm ashamed of you Beekers. You sound like you work for my organisation.

Touch base indeed.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:00, Reply)

*shames*
Sorry, my mum says it all the time.

*blushes*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:02, Reply)

don't think i'll be touching any base
for a while.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:04, Reply)

sounds like there is something else going on, she's insecure, or perhaps she was just looking for a reason out
her friends will always stick up for her, they're supposed to, even if you aren't there to hear them telling her to stop being a drama queen
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:51, Reply)

He spent three days having fun without contacting her,
I don't think that's relationship ending but she has an excuse to be pissed off.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:53, Reply)

he only mentioned the fact that she said he didn't try to contact her
I'd be pissed if he ignored my calls and texts but he didn't say anything about her calling and him not answering.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:58, Reply)

I don't think he'll be in this trouble if that was the case

(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:00, Reply)

no
i had no contact until this first pissed off text 3 days later. she said she was waiting for me to text her. of course, questions about why she didn't text me earlier weren't really answered...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:03, Reply)

it was a test,
you failed.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:04, Reply)

indeed
balls. big hairy elephant ones.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:05, Reply)

Well you can either ask her why she's testing you
Or tell her why you didn't do what she wanted.

no good options there, lol gutted.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:09, Reply)

becaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuse, you weren't even thinking of her when you were off doing stuff while she was off doing stuff
what a rubbish boyfriend you are!!
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:05, Reply)

possibly
i do try not to be though.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:12, Reply)

she's guilty of the same infractions as you, perhaps turn the tables and say the same to her
'I cannot believe you haven't even tried to call me, you obviously don't care, my heart is broken in two'

or perhaps

'i cant b-leev u dint evn tri 2 cal ur such rubsh grl, u brok ma hrt 4eva xx'
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:16, Reply)

ha!
i wouldn't try the second one, she's a nearly graduated english student.

plus i never ever txtspk unless i'm really running out of room ;) that did make me laugh though, cheers.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:27, Reply)

Are you sure your naked buttock didn't accidently hit the 'accept call' button while you were pumping the oxfam rep?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:09, Reply)

erm
yes. nothing like that.

ooh, a nice surreal answer. hooray!
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:11, Reply)

Oh man, because if you were totally checkin' out some junk in a trunk, it would be worth it.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:23, Reply)

why is it so important if you were to blame or not.
you upset her, apologise.

and stop being a cunt and gay and stuff.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:41, Reply)

Haha!
I knew you'd have something positive and really useful to say.
( girlinthehole, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:45, Reply)

tried that
she doesn't want to know.

and i'm not interested in apportioning blame, I just want to know if anyone else would have the same reaction.

not being a cunt and gay is easy, it's the 'stuff' i have trouble with.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:46, Reply)

Maybe it's not about the lack of texting
I'm getting the feeling it's really about something else. Maybe she'd already decided to end it but used your lack of hello-ing as an excuse. Or maybe she was unsure, and tested you by waiting for a hello as her final decider. Maybe she's impossible, and therefore there was nothing you could do. Or maybe you'd neglected her in other ways and this row was the manifestation. Any of that possible?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 19:51, Reply)

maybe the last two
like i mentioned, this has sort of come up before, in other ways. i think in the long term it's a mismatch in outlook, in that i'm much more laid back in terms of communication with other people. i'm by no means a social outcast, but left to my own devices i tend not to ring people and just do stuff on my own.

also given that i have more free time than her (we both have a child, but mine doesn't live with me while hers does) and do particular musical things on the same days each week, means that the times i do go to see her end to get a bit routine and i get accused of only ringing her when i'm doing anything else. which is never what i intended.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:01, Reply)

Sounds like a mis-match then
It does just seem like you both have different values, but you weren't actively bad. Do you want her back? Do you love her enough to transform the way you communicate, and your attitude to keeping in touch?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:07, Reply)

at this point
i don't even know any more. it's too close.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:10, Reply)

ha ha ha,
love it.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:11, Reply)

If I was with a guy for a year and a half and we were going on seperate holidays
then I would expect a couple of texts a day to say what they were up to. However, festival rules apply here. You don't always get great coverage, batteries die etc... so she should have allowed you some space.

Sounds to me like she was looking for an excuse to get out if it took just two days of no contact to dump you.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:04, Reply)

hmmm
well this is just the latest manifestation of a recurring issue. i suspect it's not a dumping offence on its own but combined with previous problems...

of course this does put more of the blame on me, because knowing she was sensitive to this sort of thing, I should have made sure I did something about it.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:08, Reply)

Well she could have always called or texted you
so you're equally to blame then if we're apportioning blame
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:14, Reply)

yes, i accept that
but as i said somewhere up there, i'm not trying to blame either of us, i was just after opinions about the particular situation. it's rather snowballed into something a bit soap-opera-esque now, which has kind of taken me by surprise, given that most of the time i have nothing to say on either OT or QOTW...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:22, Reply)

You said just above my reply that you felt you were more to blame, so I was reassuring you that it takes two sometime

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:33, Reply)

oh i see
thanks :)
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:35, Reply)

A couple per day?
Really? If you're both enjoying different holidays? If you always send each other lots of texts and are that kind of couple then that might be really nice. But hypothetically, I wouldn't EXPECT someone to take time out twice a day to update me or even say hi. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Maybe my whole approach to relationships is skewed!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:12, Reply)

After a year and a half, you come to expect certain things
not checking up on each other at all, but just saying hi, this is what I'm up to.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:13, Reply)

Hmmm
I don't think that would work for me. I'd feel like a pest if I text that often from holiday - even more so after a year and a half than in the first frantic flush. But like I say, I'm probably not normal.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:16, Reply)

then i'm not normal either
yes, if it was early on, but not after 18 months.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:18, Reply)

see, that's where i agree with you
i wasn't expecting her to text me. she was on holiday in france with her son! to a certain extent i felt it wasn't my business. we'd just compare notes when we got back...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:15, Reply)

I think she's come to realise that she's trapped a perfectly decent guy into looking after her runt.
And that a french baggette is very representative of their people, WINK.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:06, Reply)

Ahh well, call social services or something, that's a sure-fire way of winning her heart again.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:07, Reply)

"Saturday night I get a pissed off text complaining that I hadn't so much as even said hello to her and that I obviously don't really care and so on."
Erm, works both ways, surely?

Slightly different scenario, but I'm always the one who calls / visits my immediate family. I don't do so as often. The reason? Nobody ever thinks to ring / visit me.

Sounds like a bit of an excuse to me.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:09, Reply)

it was a test,
a test he failed...
he said later on that she already accused him of only calling her when he had nothing to do.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:15, Reply)

That'll teach me
not to speed read.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:16, Reply)

yes
you said.

crikey, that was a ninja and a half...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:17, Reply)

Eh?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:40, Reply)

Maybe it's for the best
Short of a brain transplant, I don't see how you can both look at communication in the same way. I don't think you're bad, you're just different from her. My way of thinking is somewhere between yours and hers. Some people can work round stuff, but this sounds like a permanent bone of contention. Sorry mate. I don't know you but I'm sorry all the same.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:20, Reply)

I love the way you can condemn a relationship after reading so little about it.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:22, Reply)

it's rather scarily close to the truth though i think

(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:25, Reply)

oh cheer up,
you're bringing me down.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:28, Reply)

oh and i'm completely broke
and band practice was cancelled tonight so i can't vent my tension on loud guitarness... ;)

i'm alright really. just fucked off rather than depressed. i'm going to get out of the house and go watch christian bale shoot robots.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:31, Reply)

We should both do some sort of Tag Team jermy kyle thing.
Maybe we should go troll the "OK!" forum?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:27, Reply)

I would,
but I've got to tidy the flat,
I'm getting distracted.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:29, Reply)

Get on with it then, chop chop, OK! can wait 'till whenever.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:32, Reply)

Oh gawd no
I'm not condemning it. I'm just saying how it looks to me. It's just, if he's been warned before and simply couldn't or wouldn't do it her way, and she's fed up enough to dump him, where do they go? She tries to accept a relationship with someone she thinks doesn't give her enough attention, or he communicates loads against his nature just for fear of losing. Shouldn't it be more natural?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:33, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-wJNpWgss8
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:26, Reply)

heh
nice.

i'll manage. i'm usually perfectly happy on my own.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:28, Reply)

well that went a bit mad
thanks for debating with me. i also managed to actually post two whole stories on QOTW this afternoon, so today has been a good day for me and b3ta.

cheers. i'm off to stare at my cupboards and debate dinner with myself...
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 20:33, Reply)

very difficult to judge, this one
as we aren't aware of the relationsip history, you mention in passing that something like this has happened before, and no-one in a perfect relationship would dump you for not texting them while you were at a festival.

my best advice is that if this is genuinely a blindsider and you didn't see it coming, let her know that, and maybe she'll point out the previous issues.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 22:05, Reply)