At the end of this month
it'll be the anniversary of the first time the Mrs and I exchanged fluids. What the hell do I get her? I have absolutely no idea, and I can't keep topping previous anniversaries.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:38, 85 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

get her a lobotomy
or a bag of shaved weasels
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:41, Reply)

I'll do both!
They're things I can do at home, so I won't even have to spend a penny, cheers Mr
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:42, Reply)

What's the anniversary
In terms of years?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:41, Reply)

3

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:41, Reply)

The traditional 3 year anniversary gift
has a leather theme.

Go from there.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Gimp mask it is then
thanks DG, you're a life saver.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:48, Reply)

I am rather brilliant
in a dashingly practical sort of way.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:51, Reply)

What have you
got her previously?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:42, Reply)

Pearl necklace (no sniggering please)
DVD boxsets of her favourite TV shows, a hot air balloon ride for our first anniversary, extremely thoughtful and well-written love letters and the usual chocolates and other assorted gifts I can't seem to remember right now.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Undies?
Or is she not that kinda girl..? and I don't mean because she doesn't wear them, I mean because they're not her kinda thing.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Did the undies thing last year
very nice, posh, expensive lavendar coloured bra, panties and stockings from Agent Provocateur.

EDIT and I've also done mix CDs, before you suggest that!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:47, Reply)

Good stuff
Agent P is what I was going to suggest. Also Dita von Teese has just lauched her new stuff for Wonderbra!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:48, Reply)

Dita Von Teese frightens me
she looks like an anaemic russian who fell into a fancy dress shop
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:49, Reply)

But her undies
are mucho pretty-o!

Sorry, I'm not much help at the mo, I'm searching for aeronautic defence and space companies, my brains not on gifting... I'll have a think.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:52, Reply)

Dang!
That advert is ace.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:50, Reply)

I
Thought so too! Wonderbra keep emailing me at the mo, its like they know its my pay day or something!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:53, Reply)

How are Wonderbras nowadays?
I never much liked the shape of them years ago...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:00, Reply)

Much
better than they used to be it has to be said. They don't die when you wash them either which is handy! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:13, Reply)

Blimey, there's progress.
I might check em aaaht then.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:15, Reply)

They do this new one too
which is strapless and holds them right up there - its a-mazing!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Always handy
Loving the full suspenders!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:23, Reply)

Have you seen the full version?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWq7NRB2X9Q
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:40, Reply)

do Agent P do undies for the well endowed lady?
like DD or E?

Dita Von Teese. mmm.....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:51, Reply)

They deffo
to DDs, I'm not sure about E cups though?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:54, Reply)

I will bear that in mind
however we are so skint that I'm not going to be buying expensive presents for a while.

I imagine that the next one will be sparkly and ring-shaped
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Ooooooooooh
Exciting times! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:56, Reply)

indeed
was at a wedding of some old friends this weekend, and got asked by almost everyone there whether it would happen soon....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:57, Reply)

I can imagine your speech at the wedding to be the single smuggest moment of all time.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:59, Reply)

it's not going to be good
I can tell you that much. The more I go to weddings the more I dread having to give a speech on the day of mine.

I'm just pleased that I'm just enough of a bastard that while I have friends, none of them would consider me for the position of best man.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:01, Reply)

The best wedding speaches are honest,
the one's that try to be funny usualy make me cringe.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:14, Reply)

wise words
all of the ones at the wedding I was at on Saturday managed to be hilarious as well as really quite touching which was nice.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:44, Reply)

Aww
That's annoying when that happens. 'No pressure or anything but wheeeeeen??' People have started on me now 'When are you going to have a baby?' my response is either 'fuck off, that's when' or the slightly more polite 'Not til I'm 30!!!'
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:59, Reply)

Then you'll start saying "Maybe when I'm about 35"
Then you'll hope they get bored asking.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:02, Reply)

That's the plan! :D
I wanna dog first, and I want to go on many holidays, I'm too selfish for a kid right now, I'll happily admit that!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:05, Reply)

I agree with this
apart from the right now bit.

I certainly couldn't afford to have one now, and I can't see any time in the near or even mid-distant future when I could.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:06, Reply)

That's the thing
They're so goddamn expensive, plus my brother is 23 and still living with my mum and dad along with his girlfriend, they never fuck off, you end up paying for them forever!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:08, Reply)

exactly
the only reasons I can think of why I might want to have kids are completely selfish ones.
1. to look after me when I'm old
2. related to 1. so I don't get too lonely when I'm old and everyone is dying

what I find particularly annoying is that most people tell me I'd be a good dad. This proves that they don't actually know me at all. You would be hard pressed to find someone more impatient and less tolerant of mess of the kind produced by a baby.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Haha
That's the thing. Only you know if its going to be right for you, sod what anyone else thinks, they're all titheads anyways!

Plus once you're really old your kids would just stop you doing fun things like wandering around throwing jam at people and hitting everyone with sticks, they'll put you in a home!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:19, Reply)

very true!
and I shall use that as a defence. "What do you know, you're a tithead. What's more, someone on the internet called Flim-flam agrees!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:22, Reply)

Damn straight
and if they still disagree, let me know, I'll THWAK them with a frying pan! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:24, Reply)

it's a deal

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Snap
I love them, but I think I prefer the ones you hand back at the end of the day.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Exactly
'Awww this one has soiled itself... there you go'

*runs*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:09, Reply)

That's such an incredibly rude question to ask.
The correct responses are:
a) What a rude question! You must be so embarrassed that you asked that.
or
b) Well, trouble is, sperm just tastes too good.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:04, Reply)

I will be using approach A and advising Mrs V to use approach B
as these are both excellent
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:05, Reply)

Hahahaha
I am totally going to say your option b) next time someone asks. That or I might just start carrying around a frying pan and when people ask I will THWAK them in the face, they'll soon learn.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:06, Reply)

or
try and summon up a tear and say 'I can't have children' - that shuts the fuckers up sharpish.
however, response b) is a very good one.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:27, Reply)

using that has crossed my mind
some good friends of ours actually can't though, so I'd feel bad saying that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:33, Reply)

so?
good friends of ours were told they couldn't have kids, and we just found out they're expecting - it's a medical miracle, or something like that. which is what you can claim if you do find yourselves sprogged up.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:43, Reply)

that's nice
I'd be happier telling people who ask to get bent though :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:45, Reply)

Mini break?
If you take her to a fancy hotel with a four poster bed then she's got no excuse not to indulge you in some dirty sex.
(berk, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:42, Reply)

Not a bad idea
but we don't need excuses for dirty sex, I'm like a monkey porn star, and she's very docile
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:45, Reply)

The key to the cellar door.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Haha!
Your presence has given me a spiffing idea though....!

What do I dress my cock as?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:50, Reply)

I'm very into Burt Reynolds style 'taches these days,
so I say dress it as Burt Reynolds.
(Edit: Smokey and The Bandit era.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:52, Reply)

awesome
this idea is a winner
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:56, Reply)

Take her up the Oxo tower.

( broadsword now that's fresh, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Maybe...

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Hmmm
A nice quiet (or raucous, if that's her thing) dinner somewhere? Doesn't have to be mortgage payment kinda nice. Or perhaps a weekend (or a night) at a bed and breakfast in the countryside? don't know how far you are from west sussex, but you could find a place to stay there (as cheap or as expensive as you like), then go visit nyetimber vineyard. they make a very respectable (*) sparkling wine, and vineyards are always a load of fun.

*this opinion courtesy of my brother the trained sommelier
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:58, Reply)

Cook her a nice meal,
pick some music she likes candles and all that stuff.
Get some nice wine.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:59, Reply)

This is valuable advice,
coming as it does from a female perspective.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:03, Reply)

What I should have said is:
If you have to ask the internet for advice on what to get for someone you've been with for three years you're either retarded or a shit boyfriend.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:11, Reply)

your you're
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Guilty as charged

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:17, Reply)

I am usually right, on the internet.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:32, Reply)

Cheese
a big fuck off lump of cheese.
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:03, Reply)

my other half would fucking love that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:04, Reply)

there you go
validation from my bearded internet twin

Although apparently the technical term for a big fuck off lump of cheese is a block
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:07, Reply)

or a wheel

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:14, Reply)

sorry
You are my bearded internet wheel?
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:16, Reply)

yeah, why not
:-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:18, Reply)

Better than being
his wheeled internet beard.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:43, Reply)

I'm not so sure

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:46, Reply)

punch her in the legs and elbow drop her in the fanny

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:43, Reply)

Haha
That spells romance!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:47, Reply)

Life with Tightly is ruining you.
:(
( thealternativefact, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:50, Reply)

*sobs*
Help meeee!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:01, Reply)

Pah, Bloody women
they can't take a joke and they can't take a punch.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:05, Reply)

What can I say
We live in terrible times.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:18, Reply)

I tell you what, it's got to the stage when you can't tell a young filly
that's she's looking rather fine before giving a quick slap to the buttocks to send her on her way without her complaining.

What is the world coming to Flim-Flam? I'm sure you wouldn't behave like that if your boss saw fit to bestow you with a compliment, would you.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:24, Reply)

Indeed
I mean what else says 'good job, well done' like a nice, firm pat on the buttocks!? Bloody feminists everywhere, and the occasional man that goes along with what his wife says in the hopes of getting a blowie!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:34, Reply)

Exactly!
It's not blow jobs are that amazing or anything. Are they?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:39, Reply)

You tell me
I don't have a penis, last time I checked...

*checks*

Nope... no penis, not even a small one.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:41, Reply)

HAHA
DiT doesn't have a penis, not even a small one! That's score one to me there.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:47, Reply)

Hmmm, the thing to get her is
an AIDS test.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:44, Reply)