It's the end of the world and you have 5 minutes left before you die.
What would you do with that 5 minutes?


I would shave all my hair off. I've always wanted to know what I would look like with a bald head.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:16, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

ring my sister and my parents
maybe send a group text to everyone else I care about in my phone book.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Pfft!
You've only got 5 minutes left in your whole life and you waste it by making phone calls.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:19, Reply)

you'd rather cut your hair off?
I think I win.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:20, Reply)

Yes but I'd be doing something I've always wanted to do.
You'll be crying on the phone.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:22, Reply)

+alone
+to other people.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:28, Reply)

Changes nothing.
What use are other people when you'll all be dead in 5 minutes. You won't be around to miss anyone and no-one will be around to miss you.
( girlinthehole, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:31, Reply)

I don't want people to die without knowing how I truly feel about them
"Megan, you stole my crayons in first grade and I still hate you for it!"
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:45, Reply)

I'd be tempted to do that too
apart from my sideburns

lamentably, there aren't many people in my office who I'd screw with the world about to end.

5 minutes isn't really long enough to convince someone that they may as well, and then actually get the act done to anyone's satisfaction.

edit: I'd have a cigarette or two. and really enjoy them.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:20, Reply)

Personally
I'd want to screw with everyone in my office. Make sure their last 5 minutes really suck.
( djtrialprice, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:24, Reply)

not screw with them
although that would be good.

but no, cigarettes and a call to the gf would probably be in order.

and shaving my hair off if I've got time.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:25, Reply)

and time to sit back
all smug in your chair on a life led smugly.

I'd probably run across the road to where my ex works and give her a good squeeze.
( djtrialprice, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:27, Reply)

squeeze shag
(stimpy, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:29, Reply)

would be
more preferable
( djtrialprice, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:30, Reply)

well, I've got no complaints
better to be able to sit back smugly in the last 5 minutes of existence than to not.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:30, Reply)

hear hear
well said sir smug twat
( djtrialprice, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:32, Reply)

Can you teach me to be smug? I imagine life would be more satisfying. Even if it were in my last five minutes.

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:34, Reply)

I could teach you all sorts of things baby
seriously though, it comes effortlessly.

There is a three step programme:
1. Figure out what you think constitutes an awesome person
2. Be like that
3. Be smug
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:39, Reply)

hmmm
I don't see this working
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:44, Reply)

why not?
maybe I can help you through it

edit: this might seem like I'm being serious here, and acting like some kind of counsellor. this is not the case
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:45, Reply)

lolling @ ur edit

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:05, Reply)

It's just as well there's a bottle of Schwarzbier on my desk
that a friend bought me back from Deutschland the other week and I haven't got round to taking home yet
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:22, Reply)

Sit back and watch with a cigarette & a smile
or, if possible, snuggle up with my boy and the mrs
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:23, Reply)

I'd have a wank
and a pint of Strongbow.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:24, Reply)

That sounds good
Fuck the mrs and kid, I'm having a wank and a cider!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:29, Reply)

In reality I'd probably be saying "are you serious?" about a hundred times
but, I'd like to think I'd go to my car, pop in my Colbie Caillat cd, smoke a cigarette and send my best friend a text, call my dad and then try to call my mum, which we'd probably both die before I got hold of her
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:27, Reply)

Jump in bed with the boys, and make them take one each in the -
Oh, hang on, NOT suppose dto post stuff like that.

Erm. Err. Eat large quantities for cheese and other tasty stuff, in the supermarket.
(stimpy, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:28, Reply)

If you believe you can't post stuff like that on b3ta
you believe incorrectly.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:34, Reply)

You should say hello to Bert
He loves the cock.

And cheese

Probably.

Mostly cock though.

Probably
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:35, Reply)

The two aren't mutually exclusive
cock cheese FTW!

/is Bert
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:57, Reply)

I'd rush to the top of the nearest tall structure
and sit on the balcony watching the chaos unfold below me while enjoying a croissant.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:36, Reply)

Chocolate filled or normal?
It's very important that we know. Don't forget, this will be your last croissant EVER!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:37, Reply)

The choice of baked product
is less significant than the enjoyment of the chaos.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:39, Reply)

You could enjoy the chaos with or without
therefore my question has some level of importance.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:53, Reply)

Almond.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:00, Reply)

yes!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:01, Reply)

Almond Croissant?
What are you going on about, you absolute heretic?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:02, Reply)

they are awesome
croissant filled with some kind of almond paste. delicious. much better than gay, lame pain-au-chocolat
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:03, Reply)

I've never even heard of this
where can I get one? Or do I have to squirt my own almond juice into a french pastry?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:04, Reply)

I'd recommend the marks and spencer ones
because I had one recently and it was really good.

from the bit where you pick up the item with tongs and put it in a bag, rather than the pre-packed nonsense
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Ah, now I see
I'm too poor for Marks and Spencers, I'm going to have to crush my own nuts in a little french bread
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:06, Reply)

they're under a quid each
you should try it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:07, Reply)

A whole pound?
There's an M&S just down the road from me, but I'm far too lazy to walk all that way just to see middle-aged women fawning over grotty pants and microwave ready meals.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:09, Reply)

really?
just think of the wank-fodder
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:11, Reply)

You're right, I'm not above this kind of thing at all
I'll be arrested for touching myself in the wine aisle by four
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:12, Reply)

there's the bert monkeysex we all know and love

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:12, Reply)

Shucks
You're too sweet.

When they take me away I'll be telling them that you're the one who forced me, a poor, defenceless mong, into sexually assaulting a croissant
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:15, Reply)

that's fine
I'll plead insanity. the uncontrollable laughter will help my case.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:17, Reply)

There's a ladybird in my keyboard!
He should be ok though, as long as I don't type the letter 'x'

...oh fuck, he's dead
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:19, Reply)

hahaha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:20, Reply)

D:

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:20, Reply)

It's ok
he just flew out. Landed on my neck though the stupid fucker, so now he really is dead
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:22, Reply)

he wanted to love you and all you did was squash him :'(
rip laydee brd alwais in r harts
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:25, Reply)

WAIT!
It's crawling along the floor! He's not dead, just severely injured!

Hooray for persistant insects!

*stamp*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:26, Reply)

you really are a mad bastard aren't you?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:30, Reply)

I think he's just lying
QOTW King, right there
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:34, Reply)

It was all true
except I didn't stamp on him, I'm not that cruel
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:36, Reply)

Not at all
I'm going to give him a proper funeral and everything. I've named him Jeffrey, I just need to find a tiny box
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:34, Reply)

YM!
or a wank
( Peej, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:36, Reply)

Look up "religon" in wikipedia and pray to every possible god, while wanking as hard as I can.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Same as always
I'd just have a wank
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:57, Reply)

And
for the remaining 4 minutes and 55 seconds...?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 14:58, Reply)

How many wanks could I fit in that time?
I reckon I'd be tired by about twenty, so I'd spend the rest of the time trying to find somebody to wipe my hands on
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:00, Reply)

Have another 59 wanks

( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:13, Reply)

My wrists are going to be like Popeye's after all this

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:16, Reply)

It would appear we've reached a consensus
At a minimum we'd all have a wank.

I think I'd run round the office naked, snog the fit bird in HR, cadge a cigarette off someone and have my first fag in nearly 14 months - on the grounds that I might as well (and I'll enjoy it more than a current smoker, I'll bet).
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:25, Reply)

scream, panic, run around
bosh some cunt over the head with a monitor, then violate their prone body

or better still, mutually agree to a last gasp orgy of fanny batter and lemon curd with everyone around. I still wouldn't turn bumsexual though. Tits and fannies all the way.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:27, Reply)

What if I wore a short skirt
and a long wig?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:30, Reply)

if anything
that's more likely to dissuade him than anything else
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:42, Reply)

I don't think he can afford to be fussy

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 15:44, Reply)

you're probably right
and any shame produced by indulging in brown love would soon be extinguished.......then again, would i want to go into the afterlife, stinking of shite, spunk and shame?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 16:01, Reply)

i'm not sure anyone
would notice the shite and the spunk, what with the overwhelming stench of shame radiating from you
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 16:14, Reply)