Another reason why I'm better than all of you
Last night I had a dream, a dream that is going to make me rich. I dreamt myself a Victorian Zombie Film ©

Starring Guy Pearce as Sherlock Holmes
Paul Bettany as a nervy, eccentric Watson
Anthony Hopkins as the Evil Master of the Mansion building where he has everybody trapped.

The trailer is a Zombie sprinting down a dark, damp corridor at a victorian pugilist in full leather-gloved, twirly-moustasched, stripey-vested goodness, who attempts to batter said Zombie, only for it to then eat him, and Hopkins to say the tagline that is currently my sig.

In what ways are you all better than me?

© copyright Bert Monkeysex 2009
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:38, 115 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I know when to keep my mouth shut.

( girlinthehole, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:41, Reply)

You've got me there

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:43, Reply)

I don't get banned.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:42, Reply)

All the best users get banned

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:43, Reply)

Ok, I'm better than you because I know that my unconsious ramblings are not going to make me any money.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:48, Reply)

I'll be a trillionaire by christmas
just you wait and see
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:51, Reply)

I also have a more realistic idea of the time it takes to make a film than you.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Unnnngggghhhhh
you retard, it's set in Victorian times, which means that the film has already been made, a hundred years ago
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:54, Reply)

I also know when the victorian era ended.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:10, Reply)

Approx 104 years ago
You pedantic fuck

EDIT damn, 108 years ago, what a massive, un-educated pleb I am. I should just go and end it all now
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:14, Reply)

I refuse to encourage suicide.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:19, Reply)

Because you live alone
and feel the urge all the time?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:27, Reply)

So
Will there be gratuitous female nudity in this zombie film of yours, Bert?

Not that I'm at all bothered about that sort of thing, of course.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:45, Reply)

It's Victorian
so I'm imagining all kinds of ankle-showing, and maybe a showdown between Hopkins and Bram Stoker (played by Bruce Willis, in a vest)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Ankle showing?
How daring. Better be careful - you don't want an American NC-17 rating. That's a box office killer, apparently.

Perhaps you could employ bathing machines for any seaside scenes.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:48, Reply)

I'll have to set the whole thing in popular Victorian seaside resort
Brighton.

It'll be saucy as hell, the opening scene will be zombies coming out of the sea attacking women in fully-covered frilly bathing suits and floral hats.
This has winner written all over it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Indeed it does
*pre-orders DVD on Amazon*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:54, Reply)

I would pay to see this film. Fact.
This might have something to do with my love of Paul Bettany! *swoons*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:46, Reply)

*GASP*
I jsut dealt with a client called... VICTORIA HOLMES. This is a sign
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:47, Reply)

Spooky
That is a sign...

MAKE THE FILM MAN!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:48, Reply)

Also
apparently last night James May said Flim-Flam again on Top Gear... what is he trying to tell me do you think?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:49, Reply)

He says cock a lot as well.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:50, Reply)

Put the two together!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:50, Reply)

Cock Flam?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Flim cock?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Flock?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Clam?

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:54, Reply)

jousting?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:55, Reply)

Wait, I've got it
Cock Flim Flam?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:54, Reply)

That must be it
Puzzle solved!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:56, Reply)

*cocks*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:58, Reply)

*fires*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:01, Reply)

cock flan

like a cock pie, but open on top
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 10:54, Reply)

I noticed that. how sad

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:19, Reply)

Did that Holmes movie with Robert Downey Jr come out yet?
Its opening weekend gross might be instructive as to the potential for your project.

edit: also Pride and Prejudice and Zombies sold pretty well suggesting there's a market.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:07, Reply)

I've no idea
but I think my sub-conscious was inspired by it, seeing as that film is directed by Guy Ritchie, and my backward brain put Guy Pearce as the lead role of mine. I got the names muddled!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:12, Reply)

This movie has win written all over it.
This is up there with my eco-epic romantic comedy "Love Conquers Oil" starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (aged 15 years ago).

I would like to put up funding for this movie. I have about a fiver I can spare. Otherwise, count me in as an extra or give me some scriptwriting duties.

Steampunk undead ftw.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:10, Reply)

What are we going to call our film company?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:13, Reply)

An Auntie Sandra Production

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:17, Reply)

^THIS

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:17, Reply)

Crackhouse Monkey Productions

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:17, Reply)

Not even close

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:18, Reply)

And how much do you think this Epic will cost?
You might need to do a few fund-raisers.
( Peej, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:12, Reply)

The fiver stumped-up by CHCB will be enough
the stars will be attracted by the sheer gold that will be my screenplay
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:14, Reply)

Guaranteed Oscars all round
Who were you thinking of for the female lead? Keira Knightley?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:19, Reply)

Courtney Love

You'd save loads on zombie make up.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:20, Reply)

Female lead?
What pish is this? Everybody knows that women can't act, this will be an all-male lead cast. Women will be around in the background for titilation and being attacked by zombie purposes
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:24, Reply)

That's what I meant by lead

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:32, Reply)

They'll be nameless, faceless, talentless nobodys
none of these over-pampered hollywood women
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:34, Reply)

Aww, you created a role for Chompy then?
how sweet of you to think of her
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:38, Reply)

What on earth are you doing here during the day?
Would you like the role of Zombie #419?

That's the one that gets to eat the cock of the hapless background character Bertius Monkington-Smythe
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:40, Reply)

Nah, that part requires someone with panache and style beyond my abilities, I choose...Bert Reynolds
I've got the week off to study for my exams.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:42, Reply)

You can't have Bert eating Bert cock
the paradox could destroy the universe.

Unless you mean Burt Reynolds?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:44, Reply)

But this is Zombie Bert Reynolds, it's a fictional character and I'm avoiding libel here.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:50, Reply)

I see
I suppose we could Victorian-ise his moustasche a bit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:54, Reply)

But then he'd be Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of NY

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:57, Reply)

But with a massive cigar
and a manly chest. This is getting me worked-up
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:59, Reply)

http://www.filmsnmovies.com/video/4386/gangs_of_new_york_whoopsie_daisy/

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:05, Reply)

I've seen it
it was rubbish
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:07, Reply)

YM

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:08, Reply)

Yeah
I've had her, she's rubbish too
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:13, Reply)

That's totally out of order becky,
I have a face.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:42, Reply)

POKERFACE

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:43, Reply)

sounds great to me
I'll invest. have thruppence.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:20, Reply)

Cor
Cheers guv'na
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:24, Reply)

*ruffles hair*
you're alright kid

*trigger fingers*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:37, Reply)

A number of reasons
My cat is responding to training and becoming more affectionate
My flat is spotlessly clean
I have sexy new boots
I am getting the internet in my house so I don't have to give myself thumbstrain doing internet on my mobile phone any more
My mum went to the M&S Penny Bazaar and handed the loot over to me
I am going to be participating in a pub quiz this week - whereas I'm normally the quizmistress

Well done on the zombie film idea. Aren't you scared it's now going to be stolen?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:23, Reply)

*GASP*
*copyrights*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:25, Reply)

Is this a little like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?
just saying...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:27, Reply)

Pride and prejudice is shit
this'll be more like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, only good*

*goodness is relative
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:32, Reply)

A First World War zombie film would be epic

All the undead crawling out of the mud, gas masks hanging off attacking germasn and brits in the their trenches and shell holes.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:29, Reply)

They already did that
it was shit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:32, Reply)

Not wanting to piss on the flames here or anything
But aren't there a fair few comics coming out in the next few months that use similar ideas to this? And everyone know comics are just fancy movie pitches now....
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:30, Reply)

You total bender
what kind of grown-up reads comics?

...and don't get me started, you lot. I know ALL of you do, but I meant real people, with girlfriends and haircuts and so-on
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:33, Reply)

I used to like the Beano...

I also refuse to acknowledge graphic novels as an art form, if you're are a half decent writer then you shouldn't need pictures paint a picture for you.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:36, Reply)

what a ridiculous opinion
I'm no champion of comics or anything, but some graphic novels are absolutely excellent and hold their own against some very good books.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:38, Reply)

I loved the Beano and the Dandy
Graphic novels have their place, I haven't read one in years, but it was good to get a visual represenatation of what the writer had in mind, rather than relying on a description. There are very few good writers out there.

Just me, that's it. Everyone else is shit.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:38, Reply)

That's a retarded opinion.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:38, Reply)

Haha
You got more stick for knocking comic books than I got for taking the piss out of someone for having a sister with HIV.
Shame on you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:46, Reply)

meh...
Opinions are never wrong, that's the whole point of an opinion, they can be misguided, but never wrong.

I just can't be arsed with all the fiddly little pictures writing, give a me a good old fashioned word book any day.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:52, Reply)

YEAH
Comics are for kids
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:53, Reply)

I'll invest
Here's some belly button fluff and a multivitamin tablet
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:39, Reply)

generosity itself

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:41, Reply)

You knows it
Mr Threepence
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:43, Reply)

more valuable than your contribution
:-P
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:44, Reply)

That multivitamin tablet
will probably keep me going for years, and considering the price of supplements, it's probably more valuable than 3p
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:45, Reply)

fuck you then
*flounces*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:46, Reply)

Ah, I'm sorry
Want a wine gum?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:47, Reply)

naa, wine gums are shit

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:49, Reply)

You're awful, V
I need Flim Flam to back me up, she has excellent taste in sweets
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:52, Reply)

Fruit pastilles are totally where its at

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:53, Reply)

definitely
and Flim-flam has some mad sweet addiction. she can't be trusted to have a sensible opinion on them
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:53, Reply)

Both of you have warped taste
With Becky that's a given, but for you Vipros it's because your beard interferes with your senses
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:55, Reply)

no, you are wrong

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:57, Reply)

No you are
*burns embassy*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:59, Reply)

Because everyone knows the sixth sense is powered by the chin.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:01, Reply)

That's why it's called the
Chinth Sense
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:03, Reply)

it doesn't interfere with the senses
it sharpens them. Everyone knows that your hair acts as aerials, picking up signals from the cosmos.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 12:05, Reply)

Mine would help keep victorian midgets warm and protect them against disease
yours would just get them syphilitic mange since they'd only be able to afford YM
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:46, Reply)

you've given my mum syphilitic mange?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:50, Reply)

Not on purpose
I just coughed a few times in her vicinity
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:51, Reply)

strange
she seemed ok yesterday...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:53, Reply)

Like I'd share the incubation period with you

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:58, Reply)

We're halfway to making this movie
They'll be queueing round the block
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:41, Reply)

the bl my c
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:41, Reply)

they Vipros

queueing licking
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:43, Reply)

damn right

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:45, Reply)

Oi!
Get back in your cupboard and do some studying.
You're only allowed out after dark.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:50, Reply)

and even then
she ought to be on restraints
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:51, Reply)

Get your mind slightly above gutter level Bert

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:52, Reply)

It's not my mind
you should be worried about
*nods south*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:53, Reply)

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Q
I will soon
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:51, Reply)

far queue too
Daytime Becky is messing with my bodyclock.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:57, Reply)

PHWOAR

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:58, Reply)

This daytime posting thing is fucking with my head too
I only went to bed at 5 this morning.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:59, Reply)