MEMEMEMMEME - Online Dating
I've signed up to that Daily Mail dating site, I'm going to say it's for a laugh at the moment.

I want YOU, the INTERNET, to write the "About me" bit, as I'm rubbish at that sort of thing.

ALT: Tell me your tales of online dating.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:46, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pretend to Latvian
.. and looking for 'sexy rich England lady.'
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:49, Reply)

you like breasts

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Hello! I'm Gonzo,
I'm what's known as a 'Shit-Jew' because I eat bacon and don't have a big nose although I've got hair bought and prit stick'd onto my bonce straight from Golder's Green Market.

My Hobbies are:

To be autistic in Asda
To talk like Ray Winston on helium
Cook food that looks like a dog shouted at it.

I'm looking for a woman with at least one functioning arm or even some sort a claw that can hold things. Sideways walking is fine too. So basically any girl or some sort of crab.

hope to hear from you jewn, I mean soon.
Pauly Pops.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:51, Reply)

A little harsh, but some of it's accurate I suppose
Next thread
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Some? Ok then, Tottenham Market.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:54, Reply)

No no no no no Green lanes

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Hold on, I'll ask him.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:56, Reply)

I'm not turkish or greek.
=(
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Oh MAN !
I'll end up with crabs =(
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:53, Reply)

They can plait your pubes for you. you could look like SNOOP DOG!! :D

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:55, Reply)

p.s. Where did you get your hair from?

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Enquiring minds need to know

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Lost Boys
Yay
( djtrialprice, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:03, Reply)

I use your sister's pubes.
Naturally I give them a good wash, don't want to be smelling of Billingsgate Market.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I'm not entirely sure how to contact someone, what sort of thing do I say?
"Hi, I've had a wank over your profile, cheers for that, just thought I'd let you know. have a nice day !" ?

If I reply to one, do the others get upset because I left them out? Should I send that to everyone on the iste?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:04, Reply)

you've got use more colourful language
it's not good saying "had a wank" you need to at least call it a hand-shandy or a fist-kebab
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:05, Reply)

It's common to start most coversations with "hello"

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:05, Reply)

Ah cool!

I use your mum as some sort of wheel along Marry Poppins bag, that I can pull 6ft lamp shades out of her fanny. It's like a lucky dip most of the time, sometime matchboxes, most of the time Dyson products. One time I heard a rumble so I opened up her pleasure tomb and Indiana Jones came out, just before her legs could close again he reached inside and grabbed his hat before the crash of her closing fuck slabs made the entire forest of birds take flight.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Yeah', well, your mum made me rich beyond my wildest dreams.
I covered some coal in tinned tuna* and she gobbled it up in one go. A month later, a 12" diamond popped out, so I sold it in an auction. In the mean time, I had to plug up the gap with something but I couldn't find anything. She told to look under the spare bed-sheets that are in the third draw from bottom, and I found a twelve inch black rubber dildo (with a ripcord and petrol tank), and it fit perfectly. She was well pleased by that.


* Her favourite food, because it reminds her on the time she once spread her legs and her baby boy popped out, she hasn't opened her legs before or since then. She's to scared to open her legs incase another one pops out... her walk is a bit funny, not 'haha' funny, but '=/' funny.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Your mum hooked you out after 12 weeks of pregnancy with a stiletto heel
You haven't grown since that's why you look like an abortion wrapped in clingfilm. Your mum tried to carry you but you'd just wriggle off like some sort of fast spasticated slug and eat all the cabbages from next door's garden.

/good cuss fight old bean *handshakes*
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Yeah', well, yeah', well..... Your mum is a very pleasent person.
She once went skinny-dipping on a beach, and it was all fine 'till Greenpeace showed up. They decided rather than drag her back into the sea, "It would be less cruel to put her down", so they whacked her over the head with a shovel a few times. She then explained to them that she was in fact a land mammal and not the sea mammal they confused her for. But unfortuantly, the damage was done, and that's why her offspring have faces like they've been stoved in, and all did "Studdy Support" instead of the 8 GSCEs like everyone else in his class.

/Hah, nice one, love these *firm handshakes*
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:25, Reply)

haha :D
Your Mum and Dad are Peter Beardsley's shins.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:26, Reply)

I had to google him,
Why would an england player have a bowl hair cut (as in, put the boal on the head and cut everything that isn't inside the boal) ?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:42, Reply)

Why did you spell bowl differently?
What's going on in your head gonz?
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:47, Reply)

I just don't know =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:48, Reply)

Hello, I'm Gonzo
I like puppies, poetry, long walks in the park, and sharing beautiful sunsets with that special lady.

Don't you want to be that special lady?

(The arrests for stalking are nothing, I have never been convicted.)

(Oh, and I own a killer Honda Accord).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:05, Reply)

*Oh man, I could take you to Subway for the 12" Meal Deal of your Life.
Also, I do a *great* Irish accent, so if you love Subway, ASDA, and Irish accents, give me a call.

Love and Kisses,

g0nz."
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Englishman seeking Englishwoman
Have had to come online cos I cant find any in my town! I'd move somewere els but my house price has gone down two much. I blame Gordon Brown and nu-l(i)a(r)bour, letting all the immigants in. Get in touch and Ill take you out for pie and chips down my local.
( djtrialprice, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:07, Reply)

9.5/10
You forgot to put the "za" before "nu" in "nu-L(i)a(r)bor", as all the best crazy DM commenters do
( le brian, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:20, Reply)

I'M 90NZ0! I'M JMG'S FAVOURITE JEW!
I predict threesomes with page three girls and Honda Accords by 7pm.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:15, Reply)

Supermodels and porsches shirly?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:19, Reply)

it amused me that you'd spelt porsches wrong for a while
I thought I wouldn't point it out at the time
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:00, Reply)

A tale of nearly online dating
www.b3ta.com/questions/personalads/post89752
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:17, Reply)

the internet didn't need to know that.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:34, Reply)

3p tipping Jew seaks chinese girl to hold hands with and watch holyoakes

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:25, Reply)

There's a lot of sites out there providing advice on how to write
a good personal ad (e.g. www.google.co.uk/search?q=how+to+write+a+good+personal+ad&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&client=firefox-a). Your probably better off cutting to the chase though.


Hello!

Only looking for sex. Chances are your cheaper than a hooker. Mongs must supply own paper bag. Apply within.

Yours, Gonzo.


*edit* Also - this is my first ever post. Howdy!
(Millz is skiving off work on, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:41, Reply)

Helleaux

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:58, Reply)

that made me grin like a mong on the waltzers

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:00, Reply)

I've never done online dating
and I'll be honest here, it's because I didn't want all the 'singles in your area right now' to see my face and know I was looking. Last year I thought about having had a go at it, because I thought I'd ballsed it up with this bloke from by mine that I'd been pining over for yonks. I thought to ease the boredom and emo-ness that I should just 'date'. But I wouldn't join Match or anything for fear of being seen.
Then in the nick of time he turned out to be both available AND a fucking prick. Then just as I was wondering how to dump him and admit to everyone that prince charming was a cunt, I met someone else and it hurried along my decision.

I'm single again and I'm alright thangyew very much. When I get bored with it I'll start going out and snogging inappropriates and 17-year-olds again. But not my best friend's little brother. Again.

GONZ, if I'm still single when I'm 35, will you make my mum happy and be the jewish son-in-law she always wanted?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Although I would love to make your mum happy, I'd rather make her daughter happy, content and rissoto =)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 15:59, Reply)

gotta love risotto
I had some last night

and some risotto
www.instantrimshot.com
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:02, Reply)

Every one a winner!

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:04, Reply)

Do yous ever stop?
Eating I mean...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:05, Reply)

yes

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:07, Reply)

To 'do the dishes' I'll bet

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:11, Reply)

I'll do your dishes
*pulls on Marigolds*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Those aren't Marigolds, they're mine!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:16, Reply)

they will be in a minute

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:17, Reply)

HA!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:19, Reply)

and for pudding, a 'rimshot'?
I always had my doubts about you. This 'Glee' thing is just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it, old boy?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:05, Reply)

pfft
you were the one offering me free concert tickets and a "sofa-bed".

you're the bertie woofter in this equation chum.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:07, Reply)

Hahha touche
PS 'Bertie Woofter' is inspired.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:08, Reply)

learnt that one from my old man I think

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:17, Reply)

taking things sideways, and into the kitchen
I am in the market for a food processor, looking for the usual bells, whistles and attachments. Would want it to do everyfink. Not that fussed about a blender attachment though.

Surfed about for a bit and came to the conclusion that Magimix are ones to get, bad boys with industrial motors and an 11 year guarantee (on the motor). They are twice as pricey as their Argos Kenwood counterparts though.

Any advice is appreciated.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:08, Reply)

I think
you should borrow snugglesacks 'motor'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:11, Reply)

A double mastectomy would suit her right down to the ground
On second thought, just a single one, more misery due to the fact she can easily imagine, 'how it used to be'


/cleavage
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Magimix is the only choice
I have one. It's too small, because it's the mini, but you won't regret it believe me.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:15, Reply)

yeah, i saw the mini ones and they did indeed look, mini.
The 4100, has 3 different bowls and more attachments than a poorly arranged e-mail. £160 quid though. I would have to think up inventive ways to the use bastard.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:18, Reply)

mine was a present. will have to wait to get married to get another I think
to be honest, you will probably never need to change the attachment or use a different bowl but it is still worth the money.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:21, Reply)

I can see myself
hooking dough, pressing citrus and chopping 'something' up to fuck all in the space of 10 minutes. Whilst tucking my feeble erection into my waistband.

Will have to convince the wife that the Kenwood Sniders are just a waste of money.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:25, Reply)

if she has trouble accepting it let me know
I'll give you my number and I will talk to her at length about how good the magimix is
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:28, Reply)

If you buy a kenwood chef you wont need another ever.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:25, Reply)

those are for gays
Magimix is the way to go
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:34, Reply)

I love my Kenwood :(

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:36, Reply)

You're both right,
as my mother's had hers for 25 years....and she's a lesbian.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:37, Reply)

SOLD

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 17:03, Reply)

Tonight I'm doing my
blog.90nz0.com/2009/12/13/asian-salmon-with-asparagus/ with a rissotto, as I fancy something poncy.

The salmon is maranating now.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:16, Reply)

I might try Salmon Scratchings too.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:17, Reply)

sounds good
I can't wait to get my new cooker. I've only used my new griddle pan once FFS!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:17, Reply)

That must hurt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:26, Reply)

it does
those hotpoint cunts are supposed to be phoning me to arrange delivery
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Nothing wrong in a quick chase-up, eh?
It breaks my heart to admit it as it utterly offends my idea of how things should be, but making yourself the 'annoying customer who keeps ringing up' does actually work in your favour.

Up to a point, obviously - take it too far and you'll find a freshly-laid turd in your top oven when it turns up...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:35, Reply)

they called on monday to offer me delivery on friday which is no good
need to disconnect the old this weekend and take a saw to the worktop. they can't book more than a week in advance unfortunately. I'll give them a call tomorrow lunch if they haven't got back to me
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Can we crush the cup and all that though?
Cos she won't have me marrying a jew if it's not well jewish.
And if I marry a jew, can she be an honorary jew please?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Hah, it's a deal. Even that thing where you sit in chairs and they lift you up into the air.
You're going to have to learn how to make a good chicken soup though, ma' can teach you.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:10, Reply)

the old 'C-3PO in the Ewok village' routine...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Ace!
And don't forget that awesome chicken gravy I made with bones and legs.
That's halfway to a good chicken soup right there. So your mum will only need to give me a few pointers.

Shall we have two weddings? one up here and one down there? My family are really embarrassing.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:12, Reply)

And one on a beach somewhere quite hot, maybe with scuba gear on our backs !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:15, Reply)

You can go on that one alone
I'll be waiting in the Grand Hotel on the Llandudno cliffs
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Hah, I ain't diving in Wales.
I've been diving 3 times in the UK, apparently quite good dive sites too, and I hated it each time. Way to cold.

When I was doing my PADI over here, I was about 11, and I had to do a jump from a 3m pier, and the weight of the equpiment made me bellyflop it. It was soo painful, but I continued on as I didn't want to fuck up the rest of my course.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:26, Reply)

I've dived in a couple of places in the South West
couldn't see a fucking thing and way too cold.

not worth the bother
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Exacto.
And anything sunk has been scavenged to buggery anyway.

I'd quite like to do the zinobia in cyprus though.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I ain't diving in Wales either
I'm playing bingo, doing karaoke and putting a bit of Impulse True Love behind my ears for when you get home.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Sounds like a deal to me.
=d
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:38, Reply)

If you're actually serious I can dig out my old profile creation tip bookmarks for you?

(bill, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:05, Reply)

I want to respond to this
but it's going to look like I'm making fun of you.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:07, Reply)

When has that
ever stopped a B3tan?
(bill, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:11, Reply)

I still remember my old life...
*stares wistfully out of the window*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:13, Reply)

stares wistfully out of licks
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:15, Reply)

only if there's gravy on them

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Roota, yesterday

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:23, Reply)

How was that yesterday? Look how sunny it is and how young I look.
That was taken at my First Holy Holy Communion in 1985.

EDIT: Ninja edit because that was a very very bad typing error...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Would

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Yeah', that'll be cool.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 16:26, Reply)

OK, here's a few to get you started
InThane on Profile Creation

VR Rate My Profile Thread

Internet Dating Thread/Poll

VR Guide to Online Profiles and Replies

Designing an Appealing Profile Page

VR - How many of you have met an SO online?

DYD on Differentiating Online Replies

Edit: I've just realised that most of these require a registration to view, worth doing though as it's a good forum both for the tech stuff and the Velvet Room.
(bill, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 17:33, Reply)