Ugh the most exciting thing today
is that Vipros has a new cooker. Which I'm pretty sure no one gives a shit about.

What's the most exciting thing that's happened to you recently? Please remember this is OT so lying is encouraged to embellish your inevitably dull lives.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:29, 104 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I punched a horse out cold for giving me the eye

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:34, Reply)

My mrs has designed the new winery at Buckfast Abbey
yesterday the monks gave her a bottle of champagne
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Note: champagne, NOT a bottle of their own product.
That says A LOT doesn't it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:57, Reply)

^ This.
Buckfast is fucking horrible stuff. Tried it once, never again.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:00, Reply)

she came home from a meeting with them
and said the monks had given her a christmas present. I was fully expecting a bottle of buckfast, but it is in fact a bottle of Moet. A significant improvement I suspect.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:01, Reply)

It could be Fizzy Buckie
Masquerading as Champagne. Anyone watch 'The Buckfast Code' documentary the other night. Nothing too amazing, but i was shocked to see that it contains more caffeine than Red Bull, and that therefore goes a long way to explaining why cunts get so mental on it.

The pompous prick who distributed the Buckfast wouldn't accept that they would be best placed to change certain aspects of their brand, eg: put it into plastic bottles, lower the amount of caffeine in the recipe.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not demonising the stuff, but the chilling mix of strong bevvy, massive amounts of caffeine and a handy glass bottle/weapon is a triumverate of potential misery.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:03, Reply)

And they're monks as well.
Highly trained, aggressive kung fu monks, I shouldn't wonder.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:06, Reply)

I actually feel sad
that I have no idea what buckfast is
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Buckfast Tonic Wine
made by monks in an abbey not far from where I live. It's pretty strong and has a fuck load of caffeine in it. Drink of choice for Glaswegian tramps.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Technically, the actual tramps never seem to drink it.
It's the Neds and people under say 40, that seem to gravitate towards it. The tramps seem to go for Tudor Rose, which is a kind of sherry abortion, strong cider and Supers.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Sounds
liverkilingrific
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:19, Reply)

it was also
the most common "empty" found in stadiums and the Cineworld by the bus station when I did security there.

Also the most empty.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Beloved drink of Scottish and Norn iron alcoholics.
They have it on optics in most rural pubs in the more backward parts of Norn Iron. The kind where you turn up on your tractor.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:34, Reply)

Buckfast gets you pregnant
Just warning you.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:27, Reply)

So does vodka.
FACT.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:30, Reply)

Oh aye?
I think this should be reflected in CFCB's name, regardless of his or her gender.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:39, Reply)

We booked the back room in the pub on Monday.
For a certain upcoming bash.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Ooh easy winnah!
I'm all excited now. Will there be sausage rolls again?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Is this the bash on the 27th
I'll be watching Hot Chip in That London :(
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Since you've had your hair cut off
you never come out and play anymore
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I want to come out and play
I really do. It just seems like you only want to do it when I'm busy.
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Oh yes.
And pizza and cheese and ham and bread and stuff.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Lucy Porter got in touch with me at long last
We had all the sex.
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:36, Reply)

I've met her. She congratulated me for winning a bucket of beer.
I offered her a beer, she refused.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:48, Reply)

cool story bro

(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:53, Reply)

can you honestly imagine anyone here calling you bro?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:54, Reply)

cool story bro
is a 4chan meme.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I have never been on 4chan
and as such was unaware of that
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:00, Reply)

were that short for 'bromide', I could easily

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Maybe she just doesn't like beer?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:55, Reply)

it's possible
my mrs is allergic to it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:56, Reply)

So is Jasper Carrott.
Apparently.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:58, Reply)

You heard his
alcoholic version of The 12 Days of Christmas?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:59, Reply)

No.
But then I haven't heard 'Magic Roundabout' either.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:02, Reply)

Also very funny

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:07, Reply)

"Time for bed"
"Boooing" said Zebedee
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:09, Reply)

I'M TYPING THIS FROM A HELICOPTER

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:37, Reply)

I want to believe this

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I want a shark to jump up and get the helicopter

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:52, Reply)

I've met a girl that seems to like me.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:46, Reply)

You're just getting silly now
But at least you're embracing your lesbianism
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:47, Reply)

I find this claim hard to believe

( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:48, Reply)

It's true, screw you liars.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:49, Reply)

I am actually
quite pleased for you bro :D
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:04, Reply)

The key word is *seems*.
Don't worry Chomps, we'll put in a good word for you. The internet is never wrong, after all.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:54, Reply)

I was going to quote an email she sent me here but you'll never believe me.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:58, Reply)

This is QOTW/OT
We'll believe anything.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:58, Reply)

No you wont:
"I really like you and you are really funny and sweet"
(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:59, Reply)

no girl who actually likes someone would say something like that
where's the misdirection? the mental and emotional torture?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:02, Reply)

It was part of an email which was basically saying:
Now I'm going on holiday for a week though, so, you know don't bother me, I'll see you when I get back.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:04, Reply)

absence makes the heart grow fonder
not having contact with you can only better your chances
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:07, Reply)

but and also
out of sight, out of mind...
(Sir Itchalot has a very self-referential signature, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:24, Reply)

No, you're right...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:02, Reply)

signed,
your mum
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Woudl you like us all to email her how great and manly you are?

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Fuck no, I'm not releasing the internet on her.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:07, Reply)

But really,
I'm sure everyone here would write nothing but good things about you. Didn't it help with Snugglesacks?
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:15, Reply)

No she's not even replied to me.
fucking bitch.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Self absorbed cunt

After bragging about them, she never even showed a real pic of het tits!
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I know, attention whore gets attention... doesn't like it.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:38, Reply)

Any midnight tit shots?
they're all the rage nowadays
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Send us a picture of the email
It's all about the pictures
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:00, Reply)

And the cock gazzes
if you happen to be Edmund.

Is he out of chokey yet?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:04, Reply)

I dunno
let me see how the sales of Thai brides are
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:20, Reply)

I have a reasonable amount of money
For the big move to the city. Unfortunately I'm finding it hard to find a job to walk into.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:50, Reply)

I've invented a hangover cure
I rolled in drunk last night and ate pork pie slices with stilton. Felt fine this morning but i've got the farts and they STINK. I'm letting them rip in different parts of the office to hide the fact it's me, but they're not dispersing and I can see people looking around the office with a look of disgust.

And now I have the giggles so i'm hunched down behind my monitor.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:56, Reply)

I've had THREE windfalls within the last fiscal calendar week !
All of them added up are still in two figures, but it's a windfall that I didn't expect anyway =D
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I got a phone call off the police
Since the scrote that stole off me still hasn't paid me back, I'm going in tomorrow to make a statement, and then he's going to be arrested and charged with theft.

And all he owed me was £45. Surely it would have been easier to just pay me?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:00, Reply)

the type of person
who thinks he could get away with using someone's bank card (when there are obviously cameras in all of them) doesn't seem like someone who's good at taking responsibility for their actions.
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:06, Reply)

My cat proposed to me

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:04, Reply)

Was it drunk?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Don't be daft
You can't drink cats.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Will it blend?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Oh man
those blenders blend anything! The iPhone one was the best
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Lies!
Have you never seen 101 Dalmatians?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:20, Reply)

I once saw 72 spaniels

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:36, Reply)

I once saw an implausabilty of Gnus

and a crash of rhinos all in one lunchtime!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:38, Reply)

I would love to see a flange of baboons

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:46, Reply)

I reckon it wants a ring
on its paw before it properly lets itself go.
( djtrialprice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Yeah
and there will be hell to pay if it cost less than its best friends engagement ring
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Is anybody else imagining a cat in a leotard

dancing to Beyonce, just me, ok
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Well I am now

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:14, Reply)

NakedApe iz in ur brain

meddlin
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:18, Reply)

He does not wear leotards
He is occasionally rather camp, but he's more a Noel Coward than a Noel Fielding.
When we get married he's going to wear a tie. We don't like dickie bows so he will wear a normal tie, which will have to be stapled to his chest lest it should trail the floor as he walks.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:49, Reply)

If only he were a tuxedo cat...
Unless he is?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:02, Reply)

You mean does he have a white bib?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:14, Reply)

I woke up, got out of bed, showered and got dressed, fed the dog and cat, made coffee and went to work.
My life is so fucking exciting, I don't need to lie at all.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 12:07, Reply)

I got upgraded to a better hotel rom last night because I look pregnant.
I felt like I'd betrayed feminism but I took the room anyway.

Also, I have two (2) packets of Cadbury's Mini Animals for lunch.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:31, Reply)

They still do animals?
*buys them up*
Was it a cushion or is the babby getting big?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:39, Reply)

it's one-third baby, one-third fibroids and one-third bloating
but at least it's bump-shaped now, rather than looking like I just ate a whole multipack of Cadbury's Mini Animals.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:43, Reply)

Reads like some interesting cocktail ingredients ^

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:47, Reply)

It's called a Bloated Fibroid, baby!
Serve over ice in a tall glass.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Does it taste of Johnson's?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:59, Reply)

with a sudocrem rim.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:03, Reply)

Rim!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:04, Reply)

Not much is gwarning.
I got a text from my friend at 11am asking me to excuse her from lectures, as she was in Camberwell and still drunk.

I'm cold, and a bit miserable, and contemplating whether to get battered tonight or stay in.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Stay in
It's Wednesday for fuck's sake.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:58, Reply)

Thus Cheapskates.
90p drinks.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 13:59, Reply)

Actually, Wednesday was a big deal when I was a student too.
Now Wednesdays are for going to the Bistro, getting a bottle of wine and sitting by the fire. *old*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:04, Reply)

I've not been to this club night,
usually because I always go out on Tuesday, and I don't go out an awful lot.

But this week, I intend to make it 5 in a row.
I'm knackered :(
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:07, Reply)

I can't carry on like that in winter.
I'm sure I'll be a harpy again when the days get longer.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:15, Reply)

"to excuse her from lectures"
What?

Either go drunk, or don't go. The lecturers don't give a shit, it's your loss.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:08, Reply)

As in "give an excuse as to why she wasn't there"
She didn't go. Obviously. To be honest, we shouldn't be too harsh on her, she was in Camberwell for god's sake.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:10, Reply)

I gathered that
but why would you need an excuse?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 14:45, Reply)