Reveal In Rhyme The Masturbatory Habits Of Rich And/Or Famous
I must confess that this is subject I tried on the talk board before I knew this place existed. It bombed and I'm not sure whether that was because things turn over so quickly on there or whether it's just a shit thread. It does feel like I'm being hugely egotistical in thinking it's worth another go, but I think it might be the sort of daft challenge that QOTW users may wish to participate in. Anyway

Eartha Kitt - rubs her clit

Steven Berkoff - loves to jerk off

Pixie Lott - likes a frot

Jennifer Jason Leigh - Cigar case, angry bee
(Cave Duck, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:34, 148 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I think sleeping with pixie lott and then not calling her
would be the easiest way to get a song about you into the top 10.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:35, Reply)

You should send her an e-mail
as you just don't get females.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:43, Reply)

I don't really get your post.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:48, Reply)

www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/pixie+lott/Cry+Me+Out/
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Ahhh, I'd cry her out if you know what I mean.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Yes, in that you would cry while she wouldn't even let you even talk to her.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:56, Reply)

yes, but the act of crying would release the emotion and I'd get on with my life.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Monty Boyce - wanks off to Bowie by choice

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:36, Reply)

to
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:37, Reply)

jinx

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:37, Reply)

mindpiss is the term you were looking for ;-)

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:38, Reply)

I've wondered what that meant.

( girlinthehole, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Mindpiss
dictionary.mictoboy.co.uk/define/mindpiss/
( Peej, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:52, Reply)

to
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:37, Reply)

TGB: spells awfully

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:38, Reply)

p m
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Grammar Badger: cavernous vadger

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:38, Reply)

WE HAVE A WINNAH!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Cheryl Cole
likes spuff in her hole..
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:44, Reply)

but Cheryl Tweedy's
vag is less needy
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:45, Reply)

Homophobe Vippers'
small cock smells of kippers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:49, Reply)

mmm kippers
I am so hungry.

Probably not helping the rumour that I'm secretly in love with Vipros
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:50, Reply)

I thought everyone was in love with Vipros.

( girlinthehole, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:52, Reply)

of course they are
I know I am
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Get him to wipe his suppurating micro-helm
on some toast for you, then.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:52, Reply)

"suppurating micro-helm"
I'm speechless
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

I think it's my most offensive post ever.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:58, Reply)

I feel honoured

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:59, Reply)

CHCB - Impregnates easily

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Captain V - very easy

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:52, Reply)

tru dat

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:16, Reply)

Even I've had him

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Cricketers Special
Dominic Cork - pumps his pork

Stuart Broad - polishes his sword, in his Honda Accord

Tony Lock - just jiggled his cock
But Jim Laker was a vigorous shaker.
(Cave Duck, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Blousie stimulates her internal ridges
whilst looking at pictures of Jeff Bridges
( Peej, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:55, Reply)

*giggles like a loon*

( girlinthehole, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:56, Reply)

Lewis Hamilton
Is a fucking wanker.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:56, Reply)

Monders old boy!
Hellleauux!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Bonjourno!
You craven beast, you!
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:03, Reply)

Aren't I, though?
A foul denizen of hell.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:12, Reply)

You like totally well is.

(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:15, Reply)

Dirty old Vipros
wanks off wearing lip gloss.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Althegeordie BUS WANKER

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:58, Reply)

awesome
also, beckyjsbx - puts rodents in her kecks
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 10:59, Reply)

You can't prove it.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:04, Reply)

I've seen your "secret" facebook pictures

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:05, Reply)

She told me they were just for me!

( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:07, Reply)

you're thinking of applebite
now STOP TOUCHING YOURSELF YOU FILTHY PERVERT. You have a girlfriend now and she's not going to take kindly to you getting a nubile 19 year old drunk so you can lear at her pert breasts and small pink nipples.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Ha!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Isn't she 20 yet?

( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I don't know
She's a first year uni student, but maybe she took a gap year. Or maybe she failed her A-Levels the first time as she was too busy showing people off the internet her breasts.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:14, Reply)

She's 20 in october.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:16, Reply)

Oh boy, my cock is totally quivering at the though.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Birthdays really do it for you?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:17, Reply)

It's the cake
I have a similar fetish to Gonz about caterpiller cakes.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:19, Reply)

So at Download
she'll still be a teenager and I'll be in my 30s.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:22, Reply)

HAHAHAHAHA
You're a filthy old man, I'm going to buy you a brown mac especially.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:23, Reply)

My last 5 girlfriends
(including my most perfect current one) have all been older than me.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:27, Reply)

And wait a minute
Why am I the dirty old man? You're the one who's obsessed with getting an innocent impressionable teenage slapper drunk and naked.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Have you even bought your ticket yet?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:36, Reply)

I told you I did
Hasn't arrived yet though. Can't see it on my credit card bill. Hmmmmmm, will have to check this out when I get home.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Mine haven't arrived yet either.
When are you going? If you're going on the Wednesday, do you want a lift?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I bought a ticket for camping on Wednesday & Thursday
but I might not go so early if you can reserve me a plot ahem :D Will drive up myself as it's not too far for me and I can take my guitar. And my many cases of SoCo, lemonade and Disaronno.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:45, Reply)

The disaronno is only needed if you don't believe her
when she says her breasts are equally good.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I don't know if anything she tells us
can be trusted.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:50, Reply)

I'll buy some disaronno

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:51, Reply)

That one's made it onto the profile

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Well hurrah!

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Sean Lock wanks his cock

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:00, Reply)

Former Culture Club singer Helen Terry..
buffs her cherry on the Isle of Wight ferry
(Cave Duck, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:02, Reply)

Someone get this photoshopped NOW.

(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:04, Reply)

(whilst pissed up on sherry)

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Garry Glitter
watches child pornography.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:03, Reply)

Mark Speight
has lost some weight..
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:05, Reply)

John Kettley
is a weatherman
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Tom Cruise
Personal life is quite well guarded so I don't really know how he masturbates. Are scientologists even allowed?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:14, Reply)

And so
is Michael Fish.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Steady Finn,
Don't go wasting your best ideas here "Comment On Celebrites' Appearence In A Couplet" could be a whole new thread for next week.
(Cave Duck, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Ha!
I appreciate the lack of connection to masturbatory habits...
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Bill Gates
auto-fellates
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Whilst Steve Jobs
Plays with little boys' nobs...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:23, Reply)

and Sergey Brin
shoves a grapefruit in.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Alongside Yul Brynner
With his pubic-hair trimmer
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:33, Reply)

"I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now."

( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:33, Reply)

while Max Von Sidow
enters a cow
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Nigel Farage
Likes an anal barrage.
His testes are large.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I hate Nigel Farage so very, very much
but on Any Questions the other day he suggested having a Royal Commission into drugs and whether the cost of criminilising them is more than the cost that could be saved if they were legal and taxed and the moment used to help better treatment. Which I think is a good idea. But he's such a CUNT.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:16, Reply)

He is without doubt
the smuggest cunt to have ever been born. Even more so than that other bloke, you know, the one with the beard, on the internet.

The fact that he has suggested something sensible makes me hate him even more, for some reason.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:18, Reply)

It is a sensible solution for the country
but it's political suicide.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:21, Reply)

You are so right.
No-one is stupid enough to risk the suggestion...apart from someone like our Nigel, who has no chance on earth of becoming elected.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Especially now that his suggestion would have alienated most of the Daily Mail readers who might have voted for him

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:33, Reply)

James Blunt...
...I don't really need to finish this, do I?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Enjoys
Gene Hunt
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:27, Reply)

No no no!
Not Gene Hunt.

Treasure Hunt.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Simon Cowell
Uses a Trowel
( Peej, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:18, Reply)

n tr e
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:21, Reply)

I just wasted 2 minutes of my life
working that out.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:23, Reply)

What!?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Oh, I get it
you smug wanker.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:24, Reply)

twat

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:25, Reply)

simon cowell
uses an owl
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:24, Reply)

to empty his bowel
Onto a trowel
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Then wipes with a towel
It smells quite foul.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:27, Reply)

As Enoch Powell
Walks past with a scowl
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:32, Reply)

And asks Rachel Riley
for a vowel
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:33, Reply)

Zoe Lucker
Dirty fucker.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Jennifer Aniston
For lube, uses Canesten
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:31, Reply)

There was a huge black guy in hospital yesterday who I got talking too...
.. he mentioend that when he sleeps in the hospital, he keeps his money down his pants so nobody can knick it, so I thought to myself "Unless they want a bit of black pudding to go with it", and I nearly laughed, but realised that nobody can hear my thoughts so it would seem strange, and it was inappropriate for me to use that phrase in front of the company I was in.

But I decided, if I was a black man, I would totally refer to my willy as "My black pudding".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:34, Reply)

do you want yours referred to as "white pudding"?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:37, Reply)

I don't think it works as well, there is no meat in white pudding.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:39, Reply)

works perfectly then!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:39, Reply)

If you wish to refer to my willy as "White Boy's Black Pudding", should the situation ever arise, I would probably let out a little glee.
That's if I can remember this conversation when the situation arrives, my memory isn't so good since the war.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:40, Reply)

"when the situation arises"??

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Yeah like
"That white man's black pudding of yours feels so good penetrating my anal passage."
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:46, Reply)

I had a lot of rum last night
but when did I agree to this?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:48, Reply)

type with both hands
if you please
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:48, Reply)

"Should the...", rather than "when the".
I didn't want to sound to self deprecating by having two passively-negative statements in the same post.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Or perhaps
small pink acorn?

Not that I'm implying anything, Gonz!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:40, Reply)

It's an upgrade from "Outtie belly button".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Ha ha!

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Al, Al the fake Geordie
smells of poo and sick and wee
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Chrissie Hynde loves to grind.

Sly Stallone pulls his own.

Jennifer Love Hewitt pays me to do it.

Courtney Love wears a glove (well even she isn't sure where she's been)

Dr Jonathan Miller is keen Kleenex filler

Professor Stephen Hawking (and you need to use his voice here) "makes do with sexy talking"
(Cave Duck, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:39, Reply)

the Stephen Hawking one
made me laugh but feel a bit bad at the same time
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Terry Pratchett
Likes to scratch it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:41, Reply)

If he can remember where it is

(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:44, Reply)

The difference between us
is that I thought it, but didn't post
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:48, Reply)

the difference between us
is where Applebite is going to fit nicely.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:50, Reply)

you really are trying to get
me castrated by Roota aren't you?
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:52, Reply)

She'd probably fit as well
but I don't know how I'd feel about being unfaithful with a scouser.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I too had issues about going out with a scouser
but you get over the self loathing pretty quickly and it's not too bad.
( djtrialprice, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Kurt Cobain liked some pain
Jimmy Hendrix used four sticks

Since taste is out
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:47, Reply)

This is b3ta
Taste was never in.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:48, Reply)

true
but since the only other thing going through my mind was Brad Pitt likes the shit, I thought dead singers might be marginally better
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Your Mum
Had spunk injected into Her Bum.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:54, Reply)

I don't like this thread,
start a new one instead?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:54, Reply)

if it's a good one

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:55, Reply)

can't be any worse than 'celebrity wanking rhymes' surely?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:57, Reply)

i dunno
we've had some lows in the past

go on, go for it
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Your Dad
Needs Sanatary Pads
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Your Sister
Is a 'good listener'.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Your Brother
Is a shit lover
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Your Aunty
Wears no paintys
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Your Uncle
Did Fuck all
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Your Daughter
Shoulda Aborted 'er.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Your Granny
Has yellow fanny
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Your Gramps
Spluffed his pants
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 11:56, Reply)

oh dear Gonz has finally broken

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Kajagoogoo bassist Nick Beggs - rubs his cock with Cadbury's Creme Eggs
(Cave Duck, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Charlie Brooker
Paid a hooker
To rub his cock
Cos he's no looker.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Apr 2010, 13:37, Reply)