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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I have wind.
What do you have?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 14:54, 168 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
oh that's unpleasant
I have an empty coffee cup, which I need to go and rectify immediately.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 14:55, Reply)
More acid reflux
Following a the coffee cup I just emptied.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 14:56, Reply)
A cup of tea

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 14:56, Reply)
shaking hands
the chaplain just came round to find me
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 14:57, Reply)
You been taking the Lord's name in vain again young lady?
Or has he found out you bat for both teams?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:01, Reply)
female chaplain
more to do with the fact I've done no work and no-one has seen me
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:02, Reply)
Twelve hours left of being in my 20's.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 14:59, Reply)
Use those twelve hours wisely young man.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:00, Reply)
Does that mean you have been in your thirtieth year for 365-ish days?

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:10, Reply)
a mobile coffee table
i.e. I get the local Down's Syndrome to hold my hot beverage and watch him charge around like a caveman gripping fire for the first time.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:03, Reply)
You can call it what you like but we all know you're talking about your penis.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:04, Reply)
its true. I often rest hot beverages on my penis

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:48, Reply)
A Steven Seagal Branded Sex Slave
Specially imported from Eastern Europe
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:04, Reply)
topical

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:06, Reply)
pretty hair

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:05, Reply)
I've got a love-hate relationship with my hair at the moment.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:07, Reply)
You just need to find the right style and products
which I have done
usually my worst days are when I try to straighten it but it's really hot and humid, then it's pointless because it just frizzes up *grumbles*
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:08, Reply)
Did you cut it again?
I think you're prettier when it's longer.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:09, Reply)
No, it's getting longer.
I'm just still unsure about whether I suit it long or short.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:14, Reply)
I liked it whe you had it long(ish)
Maybe you should cut it with a lot of layers, I think that'll suit you.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:17, Reply)
I might do after my holiday.
I'm letting it grow so I can tie it back when it's too hot.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:18, Reply)
you can do more with long hair
edit: but I don't know what you look like so can't say
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:17, Reply)


(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:19, Reply)
I think the curliness suits you
so long hair would be good, either curled, or straightened and put up. Loads of things would be good
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:26, Reply)
Hahahahaha!

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:27, Reply)
You are much prettier
I don't think curly would go good with your face, but if you have long hair, with layers, you can always try one day, with a bit of style gel.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:29, Reply)
?
/joke sails over head
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:30, Reply)
Sorry!
That's Jo Brand, the comedian.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:31, Reply)
That's a good picture of her
Difficult to recognise. Did you have to dig deep to find it?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:36, Reply)
Not really.
Just a google search.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:39, Reply)
oh
I'm sure that's not fair on you. I can't stand Jo Brand and have no memory for faces which would explain it
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:36, Reply)
If you go on calender and then flikr and do a search on my name.
I'm on some of the bash pics although my hair is a lot longer now.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:39, Reply)
you do yourself a massive disservice
comparing yourself to Jo Brand. You're much better looking than she is, and you have fantastic bone structure. Long hair would definitely suit you, but you can pull off short hair
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:51, Reply)
Thanks : )
My joke about looking like her started years ago when I was younger and fatter and always dressed in black like Jo Brand.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:55, Reply)
mm fair enough
a bit like people in my family comparing me to Sir Ben Kingsley facially wise
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:58, Reply)
If all else fails try layers
I was so sick of my hairstyle I chopped it off, now I think I would've kept the length if I'd had layers, but I was so sick of it I was too gung ho to think about anything other than getting rid of it
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:18, Reply)
The same here
I'm useless when it's about hair. Layers did it for me. It looks long, but it's much easier to handle.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:21, Reply)
But you've got lovely thick hair.
Mine's thinner and frizzy.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:22, Reply)
No, mine it's very frizzy too
If I don't cut it in layers I look like a lion, specially when it's humid (everyday here in Manchester0. So, loads of layers and then an anti-frizz cream after cleaning it. Quick and easy. it took me 27 years to find out. You should see my pictures from before.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:24, Reply)
my hair is medium length
about four or five inchs past my shoulders, and I've had it layered. It looks nice but it's quite hard to maintain
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:29, Reply)
It's easier than the same length without the layers
At least for me. I have tons of hair, so the layers mean around 10 min less when washing and 20 min less for getting it ready. Right now I only brush it, put the anti-frizz, and go.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:31, Reply)
My hair is quite fine
so it made it more floaty, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to deal with my fringe
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:37, Reply)
I cut it very very short on the top
So short that I don't have to divide it, just brush it from the end of the head towards the forehead. I know it sounds awful, but it's quite cute, with a lot of the shortest ones going spiky. It's a fringe easy to manage.

I only like my hairdresser in Spain, so I haven't cut it since Christmas. It's getting silly now.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:40, Reply)
product product product
the right product can save your LIFE
I am telling you
My hair is frizzy and I use John Frieda Luxurious Volume mousse and it curls my hair up a treat
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:27, Reply)
I have the tony&something
But I just got it because it was cheap in Boots. I don't know if a good expensive one would make any difference.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:32, Reply)
it's not likely
I've used the redken curling stuff before and it works okay but smells like bug spray
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:35, Reply)
Then I'll stay with my cheapeness
As long as it works and doesn't kill flys wherever I go.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:37, Reply)
hahahaha
well redken all soft smells great and works well, and matrix sleek look is the same

usually you can get samples around here for around $5, it's nice to use once in a while as a treat to yourself or for a night out
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:42, Reply)
Yeah, maybe
I buy the whole bottle for less than $5, or I don't buy it at all. I have other priorities :)
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:43, Reply)
I suppose you don't eat chocolate either.
You nazi.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:48, Reply)
I don't like chocolate as chocolate
I like kitkats and things like that, with a lot of sugar, biscuits, milk...
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:51, Reply)
Sore throat and headache
You should try a lemon grass tea, it's very good for windy and generally upset stomachs.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:05, Reply)
I eat too fast and gulp down too much air which gives me wind.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:06, Reply)
like Pacman?
I bet Pacman gets it bad
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:07, Reply)
Then you should try to eat slower
Or hold your breath while you swallow.

The lemon grass will still cure you. It's really very good.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:07, Reply)
I can't eat slow. I can't do anything slowly.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:08, Reply)
There must be something!
You can try different techniques and see if something helps.

Try to say the abc with each mouthfull before swallowing.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:10, Reply)
Working up to a sweaty frenzy?

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:27, Reply)
I start at sweaty frenzy and work up.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:29, Reply)
A plan to kill anybody who uses the word "Gleeks"

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:09, Reply)
Glee...
buf, almost!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:12, Reply)
Chi....ca.......go!

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:15, Reply)
I don't understand this ^
But it made me smile.

I must be dumb.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:18, Reply)
Me neither. *shrugs*

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:20, Reply)
I think it's a secret code

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:22, Reply)
Aw man. I hate being left out of the gang.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:23, Reply)
Me too
But it happens so often I'm used to it.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:26, Reply)
Did anyone hear that?
Must be the wind.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:27, Reply)
I have wind.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:28, Reply)
It's from Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls
The tribes people always get down on one knee when someone names their god, Shikaka, so Ace keeps nearly saying it to get them to bend down. Y'see?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:02, Reply)
Ga...ze...bo

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:20, Reply)
trav...el...odge

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:21, Reply)
I like this.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:15, Reply)
I have no sink, no cooker, no washing machine,
and I have 10 weeks until my anticipated "complicated C-section" (vertical 'classical' incision, possible blood transfusion, blah de blah).

But I have two custard creams remaining in the packet so life's not all bad.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:29, Reply)
You don't do things by halves, do you?
Vertical incision? : /
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:32, Reply)
Good side of this
You can't do the washing up, cook or the laundry. It's all good.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:33, Reply)
Too posh to push eh?
Or are there too many in the litter?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:34, Reply)
It's a choice between Caesarian or funeral.
The exit route is blocked by fibroids.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:54, Reply)

The exit route is blocked by fibroids. I have no vagina.

I'm kidding. Please don't hurt me
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:56, Reply)
It's true. My vagina closed up.
I have a self-sealing mimsy.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:57, Reply)
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:03, Reply)
Sorry to hear that
I'm sure you'll be ok, just another story to tell her when she's old.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:57, Reply)

tell her when she's old scream at her every time she displeases me: "I SUFFERED TO GIVE BIRTH TO YOU!"
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:58, Reply)
I really wish
I hadn't googled that..
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)
An unswerving desire to punch somebody in the face.
And a plaster on my arm.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:35, Reply)
Is it a banana man plaster
that would be sweet.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:37, Reply)
No
just an ordinary one.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:48, Reply)
Somebody specific
or just somebody?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:38, Reply)
What are known in the trade as
'business partners'
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:48, Reply)
Oh good,
Now that I don't need to worry about my safety, what happened?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:50, Reply)
Just people being stupid, really.
Basically, I've said "you can't support this project because the applicant isn't eligible under the scheme, and the project is a bit rubbish anyway and probably more suited to a different grant scheme.".

I'm now responding to a long email from a panel member that is basically saying "I think we should support this project".

This is my life. Most of my email correspondence seems to consist of polite ways of saying, "No you can't", "Over my dead body", and "Fuck off".
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:55, Reply)
I think I'd like a job like that
It's better than what I do now.

If only you could do the same without having to use polite words.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:59, Reply)
This was after telling them at the initial stage
that to be funded, the applicant would have to be x, y or z. Yet they still submitted an application without taking this into account. Which meant that I still had to waste four hours of my life doing an appraisal of a project that there was no way we could support.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:04, Reply)
A sore throat and a temperature of 102
mustn't grumble.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:42, Reply)
102! You must be dead!
Or is that in stupid units? Yes, it must be in stupid units.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:44, Reply)
We still have a death grip on imperial units in this country
So naturally he means 102 Kelvin.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:12, Reply)
thats even more ridiculous

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:20, Reply)
Yup
To be honest, I should be saying to LiC what I say to my students:

"It's 102, is it? Right, is that 102 degrees Fahrenheit? 102 Kelvin? 102nanoWebers? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU FRIGHTFUL LITTLE OIK? HOW MANY BALLY TIMES MUST WE TELL YOU? ANY MEASUREMENT IS ENTIRELY MEANINGLESS WITHOUT UNITS. Now go and buy some jeans that fit you properly, I don't want to have a look at a denim silhouette of your laughable genitalia....not just yet, boy, not just yet. Aren't we forgetting something?

Hmmm?

STATE YOUR MEASUREMENT UNCERTAINTY, YOU FEARFUL CRETIN."
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:25, Reply)
in my defence I'm not well
*whimpers*
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 17:13, Reply)
I have a watch saying
"It's time to go home"

I'll read you tomorrow.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:00, Reply)
Sympathy.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:08, Reply)
Sweaty balls whose breathing space is being seriously encroached by my skinny jeans.

It's hard being this cool.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:18, Reply)
Skinny jeans?
*sigh*

BUMDER ALERT

EMERGENCY. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY BUMDER ALERT...etc
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:20, Reply)
*knocks Crow's cowboy hat onto his jewel-encrusted, hot-pant-clad lap*

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:22, Reply)
*adjusts huge sunglasses and even bigger moustache*
You've asked for it now, boy.
*whips out cock*
*gives it a quick scratch and puts it away*
*whips out marrow*
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:28, Reply)
*lubes up*

C'mon then. I've had worse.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)
Are you sure?
Not that I doubt that claim...but I'll be using the itchy end.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)
Fuck!
That gave me a proper office shudder!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:31, Reply)
Eeh, yous are pure dying to be bumming

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:32, Reply)

TOtally!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:33, Reply)
Oh, I'll make you shudder, young man
I'll make you shudder, alright...
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:33, Reply)
You two are good at gay porn

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:34, Reply)
We've been practicing.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:34, Reply)
Bleev

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:34, Reply)
That's the noise Crow makes when I'm fart-knocking him.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:35, Reply)
CAAW!
(To be read with whilst imagining a wide-eyed look of corvine surprise)
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:38, Reply)
Yup
I've been using a courgette to work him up to this crowning* moment

*Read: horrific
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:35, Reply)
Surely the crowning is the re-emergeance of said courgette after the 'full-consumption'?

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:36, Reply)
Good call.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:40, Reply)
You know how the skin on a marrow is a bit squeaky?
I just imagined that too.

This bumming is sounding worse and worse by the minute.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:34, Reply)
Oh it will squeak, boy, it will squeak.
It will squeak as I stroke it against your bare buttocks, and when I put it in you, you'll squeak too. Oh, how you'll squeak together.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:36, Reply)
*bites pillow harder*

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:37, Reply)
I'm coming for you, boy. Me and my marrow.

See? I can see you. Better bite that pillow. Bite it hard. Possibly even consider upgrading to a higher Tog rating.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:39, Reply)
*leaves the room*

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:40, Reply)
Ha!
Ya bloody northern softie!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:41, Reply)
I thought you boys would appreciate the privacy

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:43, Reply)
No chance,
We need flapper - it's not gay enough without one.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:44, Reply)
Better not answer with *flaps*, had I...

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:48, Reply)
*disappoints*

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:52, Reply)
No, we'll be needing you.
You see, once I'm done with the colonel, you're next
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:48, Reply)
Go and fuck RIGHT off!

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:48, Reply)
Oh.
Well, that told me.
*drops marrow*
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:49, Reply)
Hahah
You give up easily!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:51, Reply)
It's probably for the best
I was starting to scare myself slightly.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:53, Reply)
Ooh! Tetchy!
Someone hasn't had a decent bumming in a while!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:51, Reply)
I don't DO dat, dude

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:53, Reply)
at least not with marrows

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:56, Reply)
Zackly

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:57, Reply)
I wasn't going to use the itchy end on her

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:57, Reply)
good,
because you'd never hear the end of it
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 17:00, Reply)
During the tight jean phase of the seventies
there was a massive increase in the number of cases of hot sweaty cock rot.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:26, Reply)
Is this a real disease?
I'm worried. I got a lot to rot.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:30, Reply)
ATTENTION ALL BUMDERS
saw this and thought of you
www.cafepress.co.uk/+friend_thumbsup_womens_light_tshirt,435895569
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:22, Reply)
I'd totally wear that.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:24, Reply)
me too
and when people go "what's that about?" I can go "friiiiieeeeend" and grin at them
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:25, Reply)
I'd hug them and lick their faces.

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:25, Reply)
God, do I have to do everything for you guys?
faces FAECES

Can't believe I'm bored enough to be striking through my own posts.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:32, Reply)
we're a higher class of OffTopicers in here
I'll 'av you know
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:37, Reply)
Don't give me THAT, young lady...
Have you met Crow & Roota?!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:38, Reply)
'Ere!

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:41, Reply)
I'd like that
If I could replace the "Friends!" motif with "Place hands as directed."
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:27, Reply)
Tiredness
But ok-ness
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:31, Reply)
I had 1.5 hours sleep last night

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:32, Reply)
Ok,
I had more than that.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:33, Reply)
ARE YOU NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK WHY?
*flounces*
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:38, Reply)
Erm, ok then
Why?
*tuts*
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:41, Reply)
Nah,
not telling now.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:42, Reply)
Great

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:42, Reply)
Ha!

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:44, Reply)
You have InsomiAIDS

(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:50, Reply)
Wrong.
I was VERY sleepy, but needed to stay up.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:52, Reply)
ITV Wankathon
Nightscreen fetish
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:54, Reply)
Bingo!
We have a winner!

Nightwatch with Steve Scott gets me so fucking hard.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:58, Reply)
A kite!
We were made for each other.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:32, Reply)

t k
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:48, Reply)
How did you know of my Jewish ancestry?
Bloody crows. Bet you only have one eye. Oathbreaker.
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 18:03, Reply)
the key....the key to the universe
/Timothy Leary in Cheech & Chong's 'Nice Dreams'
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:54, Reply)
Second degree burns
on my beautiful* face

*well, it may not be beautiful but it's mine!
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 20:39, Reply)

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