My ex has offered me a free holiday in Cyprus for 2 weeks in June.
All I have to pay is flights and food/drink. It would mean two glorious weeks with my nipper - but also two weeks with her mother....

What do I do, you odious turds?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:11, 108 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

RUN FOR THE HILLS
I hear the hills in Cyprus are lovely in June.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:12, Reply)

you will blatantly end up rutting with her
you need to decide whether that is acceptable to you.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:13, Reply)

^this

( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Dammit
I was about to leap in to write exactly the same thing as The V Man. Thing is the first few days rutting will be good. Then there'll be the crazy episodes in the middle of a Grecian restaurant. If you do go though try the swordfish, it's ace.
( djtrialprice, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I doubt it as monty is a massive bumder

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

If you have to pay for flights, it's hardly free
But what Vipros said, you're going to get hammered on Ouzo and nail your ex. If you're cool with all the drama that'd entail, go for it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Do it
you get to spend time with your daughter and cement a good working relationship with your ex.

Or you will fall out and make things worse.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Well said.
Like her or not she is the mother of your kid, and that common bond means you are tied together for life. She is offering a good will gesture and if there is a possibility that it can make things better, I think you should do it. Failing that just think about holiday with the nipper.
Whilst out there it would be an good idea to remain somewhere on the side of sobriety, be calm as possible (as it will be trying for both of you) and don't fall into her vagina bed for old times sake.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Probably best to stay off the Colombian marching powder as well

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Oh I never take drugs with me on holiday.
I get searched thoroughly every fucking time. I have a dishonest face, it seems.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

the truth will out

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Plus you have no chance of finding any in Cyprus.
*pauses*
*laughs*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

I thought you might score some out there
of course you run the risk of spending the rest of your life in a Turkish prison being bummed by fat, hairy, sweaty men...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)

All for just the cost of the flights!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Gaz Gonz - he may have left a stash there.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 11:33, Reply)

Go, keep your cock in your pants.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Good, straight to the point advice there

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:18, Reply)

that's what I do yo

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:19, Reply)

this is probably the best advice
seeing as he can't be trusted to keep it in his pants, some kind of chastity belt is probably in order.

However, his ex is up the duff at the moment, so she (in theory at least) won't be drinking which might help matters.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Not any more.
Keep up.
( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

He was on holiday

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

it occurred to me as I posted that
that I might have missed something
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Even better, take it off and leave it at home

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Do a reverse McCann
and leave the mother at home to mysteriously* vanish while you are having a meal at the local bar with the nipper and friends

*i.e. find her dead, do a frantic cover up and deny everything ALLEGEDLY
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Hahaha
Yeah, get her smashed and leave her with a dodgy, moustacheioed sex pest (not al).

Beer fest next week Yeeeeeeessssssss!
( djtrialprice, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:17, Reply)

hell yes!
its going to be painful, at this rate its a quick visit Tuesday afternoon, then all dayers on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday then off to Twickenham for the Guinness premiership final on Saturday!

When are you planning on going?
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Probably Monday
Definitely Tuesday. Probably Wednesday. Thursday if I can be arsed. Not worth it by Friday - all the prole scum come along by then and ruin it.
( djtrialprice, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

don't bother with the Monday
in my experience they often haven't settled all the beers properly so there is a smaller selection and more chance of getting a rough pint, Tuesday and Wednesday are always the best days, well ping me a text when you're about and i'll wander up, fall over and waffle drunkenly at you!
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:26, Reply)

notfor example,
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:20, Reply)

I'd just be really suspicious
I know she's been ok with you since you took her to the hospital for the unpleasantness, but I'd just be wary. Not to be cynical, but I just think she'll have an ulterior motive for it.

If you do go, then please, please, don't fuck her, that will cause problems. And also probably confuse the sprog a bit too.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:18, Reply)

You're not supposed to let them watch.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I thought someone might say that

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I'm glad it was me.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)

^ What Kitty said
It's probably worth checking that you'll have a separate room before committing to anything.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Hmmmm.
How about she goes to Cyprus on her own (you offer to pay for her flights and tell her she needs a holiday or summat, to get her to agree), you get your daughter for 2 weeks, and hope that volcano ash doesn't shit your plans up.

Edit: yes, if you go with her and get pissed there is a big risk of your penis making you do squelchy things with her la-la and getting her preggers again.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I don't know any mothers of young children who'd agree to that.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Mental ones?
This one seems to fit the bill.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

You would be a fool not to..
A golden opportunity to spend some quality time with your daughter. My only concern would be the heat at that time of year...plenty of suncream and a few siesta's would be the order of the day though!
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Spoken like a true Scot.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Ha
Pasty and pissed
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)

You will sleep with her and there will be fights
Try to keep them quiet for Eleni's sake.
I don't think you can pass up two weeks with the babby, but be aware your ex is a total mental and is probably up to something.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I think we can all hope he can have some self control.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

We'll light candles in hope

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I'll pray to St Jude

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I will summon up Satan...
...by wanking onto a pentagram.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I don't think he'd be overly impressed
To rise up through the upper reaches of the inferno and the very bowels of the Earth only to have some bloke spaff in his eye...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Another officelol

( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Patron saint of lost causes.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 11:05, Reply)

"You will sleep with her and there will be fights"
You are Mystic Meg AICMFP.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Wooooooo

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)

What does the future hold for me, oh spooky one?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:33, Reply)

AIDS

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Officelol

( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Well that has cheered me up no end.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Blankets

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:05, Reply)

I'm going to go, I think,
and just do everything I can to avoid turking her. If I crack one off every two hours that might help.

There's definitely a separate room for me in the apartment. The duration of the hol worries me a bit - assuming we fall out horribly, two weeks is a long time...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Well, the baby's there so neither of you will be shitfaced
and shagging her will be easier to resist
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)

You could try not being an argumentative cunt?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Steady on.
This is Monty.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:33, Reply)

I withdraw my previous statement.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

She could start an argument in an empty room.
I am bad - she is much, much worse.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Just say something on the lines of "Oh I never thought about it that way" and change the subject.
It's easy not to get into arguments.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I can do that for a while
but I confess I struggle to maintain an unruffled exterior after hours of spiteful character assassination.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Learn to fake cry,
women do that to stop arguments all the time, do it back.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Good advice.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)

I'll actually give you some good advice now,
make it clear that you're not going to spend all day every day with her from the start. If she doesn't like the sound of that find the most boring tourist attractions around and plan to go to each of them. She wont want to go to them all so you'll get a break and if she just wants to sunbathe or something then you can take your kid.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I think that's a good idea.
You going, not the wanking.
It'll be worth it, I'm sure.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

you do have to go really
it might go great, in which case you will have two glorious weeks with your daughter. You've got to take the chance.

if you can avoid banging her then all the better.

she can nosh you off though, that is fine.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)

that is not fine!
how vulgar.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I don't make the rules!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

'This is b3ta'

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Why not just go for a week then?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)

you are gonna go
it's your daughter after all, and you can't not, being as you're not the cunt you'd like to pretend. Resign your self to this and try to make the best of it even if it's 2 weeks of hell it will end and will be a good reminder of why you are no longer with her.

On the other hand it might be OK, Exs do calm down with time, and people grow up, eventually. How old is your ex by the way?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 19 May 2010, 10:45, Reply)

9

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

/stock Daily Mail-style knee-jerk "OMG U PEEDO" reaction

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

POITD -
Standard 'The Sun' type response.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:06, Reply)

In truth, 33, I think

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Fairy Snuff
I only ask because I married a 19-year-old, I know, no my finest hour (I was 27 and should have known better)the marriage was a train wreck, but she's seeming saner now, which I reckon is in part because she is now 25 and an adult, but 33 is plenty old enough to be grown up if you're ever going to.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 19 May 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Wear this
www.sensationz.co.uk/the-curve-male-chastity-belt-p-14521.html
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:01, Reply)

Cracking one out will not help.
It will raise your testosterone level* which in turn will make you more combative. And horny.


*may be bollocks.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Marry her and then it will be your honeymoon

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Every time you feel horny then ring a friend up to talk you down from it.

( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)

that is going to be one expensive phone bill

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Well it's better than the alternative.

( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

£1.50 per minute, call terminates in Dominican Republic.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Or just a friend who will talk dirty...

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

you volunteering?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

£3.95 a minute and I might.
some restrictions may apply, first minute is £3.95 then goes up to £10, person answering phone may not actually be a woman, all calls are recorded for future posting on b3ta. Any emotional distress caused by laughing at caller is not the responsibilty of TugnutCorp who refuse to be liable for anything
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Your attempts to get horny men to call you are getting more desperate.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Is it that obvious?

( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

big officelol

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Hahaha

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Not true - why would she have me on block then?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 10:58, Reply)

If I ring my friends from Cyprus to tell them I'm feeling horny
I think that might jeopardise our friendship when I get back. Men are funny like that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Ring your mum then.

( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Reciprocal officelol
"Hi Mum...yeah, not bad thanks, how are you? ...yeah, I just wanted to chat 'cause I've got the raging horn right now..."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:01, Reply)

She's a lesbian.
She'll know what to do.
( girlinthehole, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:02, Reply)

NO NO NO - do not do this.
You both still find each other attractive in some way. That much is obvious. You will end up 'together' for the holiday, and back to normal - or probably much worse when you get back.
Also - she has probably set up some pikeys to clear out your home while you are away.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Shut up Larry.
I bagsied his record collection
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Seriously?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Totally serious.
No one knows how much Monty hurt me with his Marc Almond jibes; it was then that I knew I needed revenge and formed my evil plan to get him back. I met up with his psycho ex, seduced her and got her knocked up knowing she would turn to Monty for help and would offer him a holiday in Cyprus thus getting him out of the country for a period of time.
Having previously made a copy of his front door key (which I found round at Psycho's place) and whilst he flounces around in the sunshine I will sneak into his flat, take all his beloved Tractor, Pink Fairies and Shakin Stevens records, replace them with Non Stop Erotic Cabaret and copies the Tainted Love 12" - and revenge will me mine.
Monty - from hell's heart I stab at thee.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:18, Reply)

That seems perfectly sane to me. Others might disagree.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)

YOU FIEND!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)

While I know the thought of spending so much time with your daughter is incredibly tempting
I agree with this herbert.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Herbert! Who are you calling a herbert, you, you -
Noel, you!
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 19 May 2010, 10:56, Reply)

go on holiday
but keep her sedated and/or restrained for the whole trip
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 19 May 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Kinky...

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:02, Reply)

That's good idea.
Tell her that because you appreciate the offer so much you've decided to get her a little gift. Give her a special corset made by Kitty O'Hara that has cunningly concealed straight jacket attachments (similar to roll away hoods on waterproof jackets). Ex is happy with the gift; you're more relaxed as you know that she can be restrained; you and your daughter spend time together; Kitty has a new design to add to her range with good potential in the S&M market.

Cave Duck - Offering Synergised Solutions in a Scary World.
(Cave Duck, Wed 19 May 2010, 11:34, Reply)