why are audi drivers such utter utter cocks?
I am sick to the back teeth of the fuckers in their shiny shiny shark-mobiles, driving at speeds hitherto unknown to the M11, weaving in and out of the inside lane, and generally trying to drive up my exhaust.

and then there are the nissans which pootle along at negative speeds then decide to overtake a lorry in the morning rush hour.

this commuting lark is doing me no good at all, I want to PUNCH things by the time I get to work.

Tell me about your rash generalisations regarding cars and their drivers.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:07, 87 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I agree.
All Audi drivers without exception need shooting in the face, especially the ones who fail to make it to the zoo.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Would that be TGB?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Perhaps.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:19, Reply)

You're lucky you don't live in London
and cycle. I would hazard a guess that 9 out of 10 people either don't know what an arm signal is or actively ignore it anyway.

Fucking scary when a 7 seat taxi sails past about an inch from you when you're halfway across the road ready to turn right.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Saying that, cyclists aren't much better.
I live in central Manchester, and they do seem to behave as if no road rules apply to them. No hand signals, running red lights, using the pavement, cutting up both pedestrians and motorists...they are rather annoying.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 26 May 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I endorse giving this kind of cyclist the occasional nudge with the bullbars.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:27, Reply)

There are tonnes of them in London too
utter cocks the lot of them. Pedestrians are similar though too. I would rank cycling from Covent Garden to Soho on a Saturday morning more dangerous than playing snap with an Alligator.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

but how does an alligator play snap?
it hasn't got opposable thumbs for holding the cards, so you'd always win.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Here is a cat


It can't play snap either.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:33, Reply)

thank you
I'm allergic to cats so shall be sneezing every time I see this picture. How could you? *flounce*
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)

*Notes*
Secret weapon sucessful. Not so secret anymore.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

That cat is fugly

(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Shhhh
it can hear you
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:01, Reply)

Peter will protect me
i40.tinypic.com/33e526u.jpg
(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:02, Reply)

that cat looks like a right pussy
no pun intended.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)

I love Siamese kittehs!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)

*Burmese

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:13, Reply)

They all look the same to me.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:18, Reply)

really, is it Burmese?
I had Burmese and Siamese cats when I was younger, I thought I could tell the difference. I think it was the colour, I had a lilac-point Siamese cat with purple ears. Although now you mention it, it's quite obvious that his face isn't as long as a Siamese, so *belm*.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Right click, properties.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 26 May 2010, 12:11, Reply)

It's like it knows my dark secrets and strongly disapproves
I'm sorry, Magic Kitty, I'll stop, I swear!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Hummer drivers.
Also those big Mitsubishis.
Knobends, is my general opinion.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 26 May 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Agreed and agreed
Plus anyone in a Subaru Impreza.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Also Range Rover Vogues
How anything that fuck ugly and shit is "vogue" I'll never know.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:34, Reply)

And any 4x4 that isn't muddy
Although I have a soft spot for the little Suzuki jeeps.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Hummer also market their own mountain bike.
Knobs, times 2 then.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 26 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Just like the Porsche mountain bikes
It's bad enough that they're shit bikes, but seeing people ride a full suspension bike around nice roads is enough to make you spit!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Amen to this!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:25, Reply)

yes
they are also cocks.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:39, Reply)

I like cars in general
but not classic car drivers. I'm not talking about the rich people who just like classic cars and are driving a nice old Jaguar. I'm talking about 'Classic Mini' owners, the sort who have stickers about the classic car conventions they go to, or the worst 'don't you wish you were driving this car?' No, no I really don't
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Yeah, those fucking Marina owners are the worst ones.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)

oooh dangerous

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:40, Reply)

haha
our family had a series of 2nd hand Marinas and Montegos. Like driving a brick, but the steering was worse.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I sometimes do wish I was driving that car
because I could drive it into a garage, then get out, lock the garage and throw away the key.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Hey!
I have a classic mini.

I don't have stickers boasting which classic car shows I go to. I just shut the fuck up and get on with it. I'm the one that enjoys them, why do I need to fucking advertise it?
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Wed 26 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)

When I was a waitress in a country pub
every summer the MG club would stop in and take up the whole pub, they were so fucking annoying. They would click at the waitresses, would carry on chatting loudly when we tried to serve the food so we were ignored and they would demand lots of water refills and not buy any drinks. C words.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:24, Reply)

This type of behaviour sickens me

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

That's because they drive MG's
and MG's are shite.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Wed 26 May 2010, 11:38, Reply)

But they are English, sirrah.
retract or perish.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 26 May 2010, 12:13, Reply)

nothing wrong with that
just with the people who feel they are somehow better because they have an old car
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:28, Reply)

But,
I AM better.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Wed 26 May 2010, 11:38, Reply)

not with a car like that you're not

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Bloody am.
Better than a Queer Kia or a Bored Fiesta
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Wed 26 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)

All Volvo drivers are cunts
My wife wants a C30 I told her she could have one when she had saved up enough for the resulting divorce.
( Peej, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Edward Cullen drives one
this automatically makes them shit
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:26, Reply)

I suspect that's why she wants one
Fucking Twilight
( Peej, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:30, Reply)

nooooooo
bmw drivers are the WORST. every time you have some cock up your arse on the motorway (fnar) it is inevitably a beamer.

also cyclists. on just one trip to work this morning, i saw two of them cycling along the pavement, scattering pedestrians in their wake, several of them happily skipping red lights - which of course don't apply to cyclists, oh no - and one of them twat right into some poor innocent STATIONARY driver's wingmirror and just ride off.

and motorbikes. specifically the tools that bring central london to a standstill every wednesday morning protesting about having to pay £3 congestion charge or something. boo hoo. the rest of us pedestrians/sometime car drivers don't want you on the bloody streets at all, annoying us by sliding more efficiently through the traffic, revving the throttle unnecessarily and disturbing everyone for miles around...

sorry. i am in a bad mood this morning it would seem!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Those kind of cyclists are utter cockfarms, and are hated by decent cyclists.
I agree with you about BMW drivers. It seems a few of them sold their beemers and bought Audis though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:27, Reply)

actually
bmws have not been as bad as the cocking audis yet (have only been doing this commute for 4.5 weeks, so there's plenty of time). mercs have been pretty bloody awful, and volvos too - plus I get the odd renault driver who thinks he's in a formula 1 can when he's actually still driving an espace.
motorbikes are annoying too, I'll grant you that.

I'm glad to see nobody has mentioned the make of car I drive yet!
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:29, Reply)

i have heard
that audi seems to have overtaken bmw as the car of choice for total cockends. have not yet noticed it myself, mind.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:30, Reply)

It's fairly obvious up here near essex.
all audis seem to be driven by spectacular tatooted permatanned fuckwits.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I hope you're not casting dispersions on tattoo'd folk...

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:37, Reply)

only when they are spectacular permatanned fuckwits too
and isn't it aspertions?
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)

haha dispersions

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:42, Reply)

self diagnosed

(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Ah, it's aspersions...
You should only hate on tattoo'd folk if their tattoos look like they were scratched on by a 5yr old with Parkinsons. Far too many shit tattoos out there.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:43, Reply)

it's ok
I just noticed I spelt it 'tatooted' anyway, so I hate myself more for poor english.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Audi is the new BMW
they don't indicate, ever!

My sister drives an Audi and she drives far more aggressively now than when she had a Fiesta.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:41, Reply)

All Fonterra lorry drivers are cunts.
they follow you so close you can't even see their number plates, just their grilles in the rear view mirror, and then, don't even bother to over take! they just sit there, honking and inching closer. Cunts, the lot of them.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 26 May 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Though I'm no-one to talk about cars
I'm not driving until I can afford a Bentley, and by the time I can afford that, I'll probably be rich enough for a chauffeur. Though thinking about it, that is a shocking waste of money. So I will drive it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:35, Reply)

What's traffic?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:38, Reply)

That line of people you have to fight through to get to your Mum.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:46, Reply)

It's a bit early for POTD
but, I think we may be there already
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:51, Reply)

ok
what's POTD?
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Post of the day

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:23, Reply)

ah
that makes sense. I thought it was picture of the day, but that would just be silly.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Pictures of the Disabled.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:53, Reply)

I can't stand people who don't know the width of their car
I missed the lights this morning, as the stupid woman in front couldn't fit her beemer through a space that a normal person could have parked a medium sized oil tanker in.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:50, Reply)

I like that you define it
as 'medium sized' oil tanker. not one of those big ones then?
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Well I don't like to exaggerate

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 26 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:02, Reply)

Forget traffic/cyclists/peds
It's people in general. We need a lolocaust.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:03, Reply)

didn't charlie brooker recommend this?
or something along those lines? he hates people too.
( ascorbate, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Cars should designed to not exceed 70mph.
Benefits being that the roads would be safer, easier on fuel consumption, but most importantly it would cut off the penis extensions of millions of inadequate, Jeremy Clarkson loving wankers.
There.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:46, Reply)

but I love Jeremy Clarkson
and life would be fucking boring lived at a maximum of 70mph
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:52, Reply)

There are other forms of entertainment.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 26 May 2010, 12:03, Reply)

I agree
but that's no reason to take a form of entertainment away. It's a bit like saying why do you need books, you have films and music and computers to entertain you
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 26 May 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Safety is a better reason.
I find it hard to see cars as 'entertainment' and remain bemused by the fetishisation of a tool.
*sniggers and awaits strikethrough*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 26 May 2010, 12:16, Reply)

It would do fuck all for fuel consumption
If I had a car that could only do 70mph max, I'd be thrashing the arse off it all the time. So it wouldn't last long and it would go through lots of fuel. Whereas I currently drive a car that can do a lot more than that, so I can drive it more gently. I don't speed much, and get 50+mpg.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Maybe we could get round that
By having cars that can exceed 70mph but having some kind of rule that made it illegal to do so. This could be enforced with a system of fines or maybe bans for the more serious/repeat offenders.
( Peej, Wed 26 May 2010, 12:03, Reply)

I would also suggest that celebrities/the rich are excluded from said bans.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 26 May 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Bollocks - that is the most ridiculous suggestion ever posted.
It would cripple transport - in fact why have motorways at all if that was the case.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 26 May 2010, 12:42, Reply)

I don't think its ridiculous
In fact we could have cameras set up to catch people that break the rules!
( Peej, Wed 26 May 2010, 12:51, Reply)

Rover 45 drivers
Are seriously sexy.
(bill, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:50, Reply)

If someone decided to brutally murder each and every...
...driver of oversized SUVs in suburbia I would be the last to object.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:52, Reply)

I saw a bumper sticker on a Micra.
It said "I drive like a Cullen." We followed it for about half a mile and I asked my wife to follow it home so i could write "(pronounced CUNT!)" underneath in marker pen.

She wouldn't let me.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 26 May 2010, 13:34, Reply)