I have just had some rather sad news.
One of the oldies I drive for each Wednesday (long term volunteering) has died.
She has been away recieving medical assistance the last couple of weeks, to which she was responding well.
The day before she was due to be taken home she slipped and fell down a short flight of stairs on her way back from having a sneaky fag.
May, I only knew you for 9 months but the sensitivity and vigour you demonstrated have left a permanent mark upon my little black heart.
I know there will be a few tears this coming Wednesday.

Alt Q (slightly): Would it be appropriate to recite "Let me die a young man's death" by Roger McGough this Wednesday before lunch? (she was a definite atheist.)
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Jul 2010, 18:07, 88 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is she still warm?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 18:34, Reply)

Getting fussy, are you?

(Flid James carry on, mongs, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 18:41, Reply)

considering the weather...
i would imagine so cos it was only this morning!

true to form there, bert!

anyway what about the poem?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Jul 2010, 18:41, Reply)

You can shove poetry up your arse

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 18:48, Reply)

LoL.
Unless it's a scurrilous doggerel about Bert. He loves them.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sun 4 Jul 2010, 19:14, Reply)

And you're wasting good looting time by posting here?
Christ, I'd be on the third carfull of tat that might be worth something by now.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 4 Jul 2010, 19:24, Reply)

Oh, and the £20s and £50s will be in the decorative teapot.
They're ALWAYS in the decorative teapot.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 4 Jul 2010, 19:25, Reply)

I recone a few of those each week and that is the mortgage paid.
Good thinking really, I should weasel my way into some old biddies hearts and wallets too.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:47, Reply)

Easiest way would either be to send Wrongalicious round with her pegs and heather and that.
Or you could force SexFace to marry them.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:21, Reply)

It could have been worse.
They could have keeled over whist you were driving them. Does the organisation you volunteer for have a free valeting service?

As far as poetry goes, I would recomend "The Night Mail" by Auden, better than that 4 weddings nonsense.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:01, Reply)

I prefer Larkin's....
They fuck you up your mum and dad or Kung Foo International by John Cooper Clarke.
( girlinthehole, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:30, Reply)

I don't think that's suitable for a funeral, unless the stiff had lots of kids.
But I just thought that it would be cool if the pall bearers were real ninjas

Amyway, I have room in my NEW FREEZER for a small corpse.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:51, Reply)

Thank God I'm a big woman.

( girlinthehole, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:58, Reply)

I read "driving them" as "doing them"
Also "free valeting service" as "free violating service"

At what point does it become an issue?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 0:15, Reply)

Yeah, ok then, fair enough....
So, good day everyone?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:36, Reply)

i'm not dead, so I'm counting it as a win
other than that, dull
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:59, Reply)

^This.

( girlinthehole, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:09, Reply)

Nice one.
At Chez Gonz we fired up the BBQ today, it can all be described as pleasant and edible, nothing amazing though.

Fantastic Four is on the telly at the moment, not bad background Telly.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:10, Reply)

did you make elaborate
marinades?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:13, Reply)

Nope, it was a bit of a spur of the moment thing.
I did veg kababs with olive oil and oregano though, which wasn't bad. It was all a but meh, food was, but the company and weather was lovely =)
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:16, Reply)

we had a surprise one yesterday
at a friends, which was good as I was thinking I was going to spend the whole weekend with noone around, sad bint that I am
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:18, Reply)

A win all round then.
Nowt wrong with a weekend on your todd though, get to watch what you want on the telly and not having to worry about divvying up the good Quality Streets.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:39, Reply)

just in case you haven't noticed
I know there's been a new trend to say 'Alt Q:' a fair bit recently. You nearly used it correctly too. You see, it's short for 'alternative question' and generally implies that there was an initial question for people to answer first.
( djtrialprice, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:50, Reply)

You're being very pedantic tonight,
Did the queen of scouse nut yer?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:53, Reply)

To be fair, djtrialprice has a point, this is really really pathetic.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:56, Reply)

That's a bit harsh, Gonz
have you run out of caterpillar cakes?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:06, Reply)

I'm just agreeing with djtrialprice here, don't blame me if you agree with djtrialprice that emo poetry...
... On here is a cheap way of getting sympathy, by taking some old lady around on your volentire-mobile... To be honest, I think you're out of order, for all you know he could have been like a son to her.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:14, Reply)

Let's be honest though
it's much more likely that he was touching her petticoats while she was off her nut on valium
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:19, Reply)

I doubt she thought he was like a son to her,
having only known her for nine months, I doubt he spent those months in her womb, much.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:19, Reply)

You never know

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:20, Reply)

Helping to make the old die happy.
A bit like dignitas, without the drugs.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:23, Reply)

I agree Gonz
The originial post is really really really pathetic.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:16, Reply)

Oh bollocks
I clicked 'I like this' on your post, but then I saw that you've corrected your spelling mistake, you bastard.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:21, Reply)

Its dark in here Bert, and I can hardly see the keyboard.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:24, Reply)

I demand that you edit the spelling error back in
it makes the post 300% funnier
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:26, Reply)

Like that.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:28, Reply)

Teeheehee
*touches self*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:38, Reply)

start a new thread, and make it awesome
i dare you
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:24, Reply)

Like the original post,
I have nothing interesting to say.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:27, Reply)

+ ever

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:41, Reply)

Back stabber.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:12, Reply)

*limp wrists*
Ooooh, matron
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:13, Reply)

oh she's a delicate little flower
It's everyone else in town who's made me a hard nosed objectionable bastard.
( djtrialprice, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 20:56, Reply)

No, I wasn't like a son to her cos I never fucked her. Not even when she begged me.
Never got any worthwhile drugs off her cos the strongest she ever had was co-didramol.
I only knew her for 9months so never got to know her as well as her own kids who had the pleasure of seeing her the grand total of six times this century. It must have been a real inconvenience for them seeing as they live almost twenty miles away.
Mind you she might have been a complete twat to everyone not involved in her one day out of the house each week!
Fucking ungrateful pensioners.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:33, Reply)

Yeah, but
is she still warm?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:39, Reply)

Like I said...
Bearing in mind the weather etc. I would imagine so.
Only ever had contact each Wednesday so I would reckon she would have cooled down by mid-week...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:44, Reply)

Wait, are you saying her son fucked her, and she begged you to fuck her?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:44, Reply)

Isn't that what sons do?
Surely.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 4 Jul 2010, 21:50, Reply)

Not really, maybe it's different where you're from, I donno.
Anyway, enough of that, I'll get back to the origional point of your post.

"Oh my goodness, well done on you, for being the only form of human contact this old lady has, making her unbearable final 9 months of her life slightly less unbearable. You're such a good decent hard working honest fellow, god will welcome you into his bussom come the after life. I'm sorry for the pure agonizing grief your'e going through at this time. My favorite poem/song for being emo with is that Forever Auterm one on the War of the Worlds sound track".

There we go, everyone cool now?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:07, Reply)

Gonz, that is the most sarcastic thing you have ever written.
Really well done there.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:10, Reply)

I'm a bit of a prick really, I've not done any (long term volunteering) before.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:15, Reply)

Go volunteer at the Dogs trust. Then you can get the same warm fuzzy that B69 has when one of them is put to sleep.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:17, Reply)

Warm fuzzy what?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:19, Reply)

Do I really have to spell it out for you?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:20, Reply)

Not me, Gonz.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:21, Reply)

hello treacle
how was your weekend? what happened to batshit/workboresme, she seems to have vanished off the face of the planet, you usually know what's going on with these things...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:21, Reply)

Dunno love, she posted a thread about paying b69's mortgage then deleted it and buggered off again. No idea.
Edit: Weekend was good thanks, finally got round to seeing a non green screen version of Wolverine with friends last night, but managed to get sunburn after an hour in the sun with factor 15 sunscreen on. How was yours?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:25, Reply)

i clocked some of the drama
but she now seems to have deleted her account altogether. i have never seen "wolverine", is that hugh jackman? with his kit off? maybe i should. i went up to see the family as i am off on holiday for a fortnight shortly and my brothers are away the same 2 weeks, so the father will be by itself!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:30, Reply)

I know someone who's got a free spot who can look after him, if you want.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:32, Reply)

you keep your old man murdering fingers off my old man
get your own!


edit: actually, that was quite witty of you, i am laughing to myself. but quietly as the security guard is marauding around and i don't want him to think i am totally mad.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:33, Reply)

Not me !
I'm at best, a (small term volunteering)er, I wouldn't even presume to the status of a (long term volunteering)er !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:39, Reply)

both "small" and "long" are relative terms

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:41, Reply)

*BIG FAT MASSIVE WINK*

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:42, Reply)

both "big" and "massive" are...
.... oh you get it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:50, Reply)

For shame. Oh well. Yeah it's the shit x-men film. Not worth it for him getting his kit off as it's a dire film.
While the mice are away and all that ,)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:33, Reply)

that is why god made dvd's though, no?
so you can forward to the one scene that is worth watching?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:35, Reply)

This is very true :)
Such feeelth, I expect better from you
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:38, Reply)

haha
no you didn't, you expected much much worse!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:39, Reply)

Only if Al was about. My god, he'll be a married man this time next week

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:42, Reply)

jesus
imagine when he procreates... baby al!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:49, Reply)

I'm quite looking forward to all the new x-men films they're doing, like the prequals and stuff.
Out of all the marvel films, x-Men are my fave.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 23:10, Reply)

I did look into becoming a (long term volunteering) euthinationest at my local animal shelter.
But alas, they were only looking for (short term volunteering) to (medium term volunteering) people.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:21, Reply)

try a homeless shelter instead

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:23, Reply)

Do they have euthinasia departments?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:30, Reply)

well if they don't
you can set it as your first target. don't you ever let your dreams be constricted by other people's visions, gonz, you hear me?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:32, Reply)

Maybe I should write a letter to the lottery people, they're great with this sort of thing.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:35, Reply)

aye, it worked for the queen , didn't it?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:36, Reply)

Donno, never really understood the royal family.
It goes down from parent to child, doesn't it, and you're only The Queen/King when you're the son/daughter of the current king/queen, and they cark it.... so what is up with The Queen Mother, surely she should have been The Queen until she died, then it gets passed down to Liz... or did they fast forward it?... and if they did, surely it's time to give Charlie a go, it's not like he's got long left.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:42, Reply)

whoa slow down there
i only meant because she has asked for lottery funding due to cash shortages...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:49, Reply)

Oh, I don't really keep up with the news that much. I suppose at the end of the day, she won't go hungry.
What I mean though, is, was The Queen Mother ever the queen?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:54, Reply)

yes of course
during ww2, she was the queen!

i am 99% sure of this.

there you go dude. she was the queen consort, ie queen because she was married to the king:


"A queen consort is the wife of a reigning king. A queen consort usually shares her husband's rank and holds the feminine equivalent of the king's monarchical titles. Most of the time, however, queen consorts have no real power.

Most queens in history were queens consort; the other kind, queens regnant (queens in their own right), who inherit the throne on the death of the previous monarch, are far fewer in number"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:55, Reply)

Oooh, I get it, that 'consort' thing, ain't heard of that before.
I was thinking that Liz would still be a princesses until Queen Mother died, a bit like how Charles will only be king when Liz dies.... but that Queen Mother lived to see Queen Liz become Queen, which is where I thought it was unusual.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 23:08, Reply)

she also lived to be 1003
there was something fishy going on there
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 23:10, Reply)

Reptials live to quite a grand age, maybe that David Ickle is onto something.
Thinking about it though, I can't imagine being alive 100 years ago, she's probably seen more changes in, well, anything, than most other living people, the 20th century humanity leepfrogged itself in so many way.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 23:12, Reply)

You should try it Gonz
Even cunts like me do it.

Not the fingering the elderly bit though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:18, Reply)

Where do you volunteer?
I think I might get quite a lot out of it, I like helping people, for yonks I thought about putting up a sign in the local shops about dog walking for old/infirm people, but when I looked into it, with all the insurance stuff, it scared me off a little.

Hopefully this-time-next-year, I'd be in a place with a nice garden, maybe possibly remotely a place of my own, if I can, I'd love to train theorpy dogs, I honestly can't think of anything I would find more rewarding.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 4 Jul 2010, 22:26, Reply)

Did you mean a youngman's (shortened term) death? And for those who give a fuck -
Let me die a youngman's death
not a clean and inbetween
the sheets holywater death
not a famous-last-words
peaceful out of breath death

When I'm 73
and in constant good tumour
may I be mown down at dawn
by a bright red sports car
on my way home
from an allnight party

Or when I'm 91
with silver hair
and sitting in a barber's chair
may rival gangsters
with hamfisted tommyguns burst in
and give me a short back and insides

Or when I'm 104
and banned from the Cavern
may my mistress
catching me in bed with her daughter
and fearing for her son
cut me up into little pieces
and throw away every piece but one

Let me die a youngman's death
not a free from sin tiptoe in
candle wax and waning death
not a curtains drawn by angels borne
'what a nice way to go' death
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 5 Jul 2010, 10:32, Reply)

that's the one.
recited at a mate's funeral a few years ago, went down a treat.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 5 Jul 2010, 10:46, Reply)