I have a free house.
The mother and sister are off to the lake district til Friday, my Dad doesn't get home from work til about sixish most nights, so I have pretty much a free house for the next three days. This NEVER happens. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no car and very little money, the puppy is still in college and my friends all live miles away.
Besides wasting three days on here and listening to my new Them Crooked Vultures and Halestorm CDs, what do you suggest I do?

Alt Q: Who would be your ideal roommate? Anyone/thing at all.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:25, 85 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm at work, can't come round sorry.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Me too
I'd love to go there and keep you company, but I don't finish until 4:30, sorry.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:27, Reply)

I think you should probably dress up like an AT-AT and trot around the garden all pew pew pew walky walky walky and stuff.
I would have a mexican wrestler as a room mate and he could stretch me out in the morning and then we could both wear stretchy clothes and tickle each other and then have a manly shower together.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:28, Reply)

My garden is all slopes and steps and a pond.
It would only end badly.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Maybe you need one of these
https://www.bumpits.com/
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:36, Reply)

From flat to fabulous?
I think kitty's bookmarked that page.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:38, Reply)

does kitty have very flat hair then?

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:42, Reply)

She's like a before photo on a mousse advert.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:43, Reply)

For all your mocking
this is actually true, my hair is fine and lacklustre.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

I saw an amazing infomercial for those when I was in Cuba
it went on for about 10 minutes and was filmed in America-o-vision like all the US features in The Day Today.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:48, Reply)

If you catch E4 early enough they have infomercials on there
I love watching them while I'm ironing, they have soapstars you've never heard of swearing by stuff called things like MiracleCreme.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

A robot.
Not like one of those fake girlfriend porn bots but like maybe a Transformer. A Transformer that likes to cook and clean for me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:30, Reply)

I want one of those too
I don't mind the cooking much, but the cleaning...
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:37, Reply)

If I was going to be a supervillain
I would kidnap celebrities and steal their talents, like the cooking skills of Marco Pierre White and the cleaning of Kim & Aggy, to put in a robot.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:54, Reply)

You'd be like a Sylar
But for celebs only
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:13, Reply)

In fact
I want this one: www.morphyrichards.co.uk/ProductDetail.aspx?Product=48810&source=google&campaign=M-N&adgroup=Multicooker_48810&creative=1&gclid=CPTd57yc2aICFRY75Qod3iWQxQ

You put everything in the night before and tell it you'll want it ready at 6pm next day, and it starts cooking at the right time for you to enjoy your tea as soon as you get back home.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Sounds just like a slow cooker,
I've got one of them, they're good.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Don't take your mother's name in vain.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:48, Reply)

It's more than that
It fryes and oven cooks as well. Prepares rice and omeletes. And you can time it so your food is always ready for you.

It's quite expensive as well.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Tidy the place up,
they'll think you've had a party.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:34, Reply)

My standard response to empty house-ness would probably be "drug fuelled sex orgy"
but instead I shall attempt to be creative and answer both questions

Grow yourself a housemate! Using the DNA of all the sexy and intelligent (yet surprisingly subservient) people you know, a petri dish and a lamp
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:36, Reply)

I bet you keep the DNA of all the sexy and intelligent (yet surprisingly subservient) people you know,
in jars.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:42, Reply)

No dear,
That's you.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:45, Reply)

he's not that careless,
that would be evidence.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:54, Reply)

He keeps tiny vials in a box hidden somewhere in his house.
a la Dexter.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:55, Reply)

oh my god why did I not see the resemblance before now.
You meant this Dexter, right?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:00, Reply)

No-o
This one

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:12, Reply)

he look's like Dexter's Lab Dexter more

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:17, Reply)

But this one is creepier.
He's like a combination of the two.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I think serial Dexter is quite hot

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Looks like he's having a Subway footlong for lunch.

(Cave Duck, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Yes. Yes I do.
Two jars so far. Buying a hundred jars was always optimistic
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:50, Reply)

You could play them like a xylophone

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

You should enjoy a day out
Want to come down to London and write this talk for me?

Alt Q: I've never been overly keen on having roommates. Housemates, yes, but I like a bit of personal space to myself. So probably a cat _{at least up until such time as Joanne Shaw Taylor comes to her senses and realises she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.}
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:44, Reply)

What's it on?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Uncertainties associated with radiosonde measurements.
I've been trying to compare them with some other measurements, but the other measurements are clearly rubbish, so I thought I'd start writing the talk this morning. But if you could do my slides for me then I can go back to fannying around to find a way to make the numbers look more sensible.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Who what?
I could draw pictures....
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:49, Reply)

That'll do
Think you could draw a nice illustration of me leaning out the side of the aircraft, heroically trying to fix the instrument mid-flight?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:50, Reply)

I'm on it.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:53, Reply)

If it helps with the creative process,
the aircraft, known rather boringly as a "BAe-146" in this country, is referred to by those on the continent as a "Jumbolino," which is possibly the best name for an aircraft ever.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Right.
I'll do my very best.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:04, Reply)

feline symmetry :(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:46, Reply)

Do you want the left or right side of this cat?

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Can't we get one each, or twins?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:07, Reply)

WHATEVER YOU DO
Do not use getting hammered in the house and doing nothing but listen to rap and disney as a diversion. It ends badly. With headaches. Rare I get hangovers :(
Ideal roommate would be a cat. I like my privacy and I like breasts cats.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:45, Reply)

OK THEN
I wrote on your wall at an odd hour last night, I had a terrible moment of horrificness.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Oh no!
I'm on my phone at the mo, i.ll go and see what's going on. I've a story for you. An awful story. I'm back in manc on Sunday i think :)
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:54, Reply)

We shall compare and exchange. I love hearing your stories :)
Yayayay! Good! Cos the only cure I can see for my moment is a wild night out at 5th.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:00, Reply)

mine involves a 3 mile barefoot walk along Kingsway.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Yours is far worse.
Mine only lasted 3.2 seconds, but it made me feel horrible.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:18, Reply)

you are definitely talking about sex with chompy here

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:30, Reply)

I read it and I was intrigued
but I didn't want to be nosey. Until now. What have you done Appleby?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:55, Reply)

It coincided with her gazing me.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Oh I hope that's not true.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:59, Reply)

It did,
but I'm pretty sure that was a coincidence.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:00, Reply)

It's okay, it's nothing to do with rapey.
I've not done anything, thank fuck, the moment didn't last that long.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:01, Reply)

phew
I was worried for a moment
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:03, Reply)

You've not hurt her, have you?!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Alt Q:
A really hot bisexual girl, who walks around in skimpy clothes, brings her equally hot girlfriends over for funtimes and doesn't mind me catching them in the act. She also has to be clean and tidy, do her fair share of housework, have an awesome taste in films/music/games, pays her share of the rent/bills on time and be up for random adventure days when we're both bored.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Your chances of getting a girlfriend would plummet dramatically
not least since you'd be incredibly hard pressed to find a girlfriend who was more fun to spend time with than this housemate
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

In that particular fantasy land, I wouldn't need a girlfriend
I don't need one full stop, but I'm very happy with the one I have!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Fair enough
but should this girl magically materialise and move in to your flat, I predict many an awkward conversation in your future
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Oh utterly
Which is why it won't happen.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:56, Reply)

That and the whole unlikelihood thing

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:59, Reply)

THIS IS MORE OR LESS ME.
Apart from the really hot bit. But my mates are all fit. And I'm a bit messy but only in my room. I actually enjoy cleaning, and I like the kitchen and bathroom to be spotless. I also like to cook for people.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

The cooking for me is a bonus, I can barely cook at all
I can also be a bit messy, but only in my room. I live by myself now (apart from half the week when the missus is over), and I love having my own place!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:55, Reply)

I had a room mate for about a month
but he made me want to rip his eyes out so I had to kick him out. The final straw came when he ordered cable without telling me. My first clue was a letter addressed to me telling me when the guy would be over to install the huge dish on the side of my house.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Wow, that's quite a dick move

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Indeed
He was so annoying that it got to the point where I realised I had become a psychopath. I started getting angry about really unreasonable things, like the cheese thing. He used to grate a ridiculous amount of cheese onto every meal and that started making me angry. It was usually my cheese, but I was like "WHY DO YOU NEED SO MUCH CHEESE?! I HATE YOU!!"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:08, Reply)

I have a lot of cheese on my food
But it's MY cheese, and I'm protective of it. In fact, stealing any of my food (you may use SOME sauces, just don't finish them) is a sin.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:09, Reply)

He used to drink a pint of milk every morning
even if it was the only pint left in the fridge.

This led to me getting home from work one night at midnight and finding he'd drunk the pint I'd bought that day. So I had to go out to get another pint (and was stopped by the police for being a hooker) so I could have a coffee in the morning. When I got up the next day, he'd drunk it. I think I blacked out with rage.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

I would have killed him
Several times in different ways. All of them painful
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:39, Reply)

cable generally doesn't require a satellite dish

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:32, Reply)

well fine, maybe it was satellite.
It definitely involved giant dish installation.

Pedant
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

;-)

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:48, Reply)

Hmm
Party? Or get a job, either one.

Alt Q: I've realised that this was my previous housemate, after I've just told my current one he's got until next sunday to get out. Fun(!)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Not possible, my dad is still here.
I have a job. But my next shift isn't til saturday.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:17, Reply)

I think you should put pics of you in a bikini
on facebook so rapey can commit onanism while staring at them.

Oh wait...
( djtrialprice, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:20, Reply)

Shut it, im deleting them
I whacked the whole album up so I could delete after, cos I couldn't be arsed sorting through.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:21, Reply)

He's totally saved them...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:22, Reply)

*frantically saves to hard-drive*
Don't worry, it's your little sister I'm interested in.
( djtrialprice, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

that photo of your sister looking into the cannon...
I totally wanted the next one to be of her with her bill facing the wrong way on her face, a la Daffy Duck.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa
Oh Kitty i love your brain
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:25, Reply)

It doesn't work the way it's supposed to
but I get by.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

Have a read...
...a nice cup of tea, and then an afternoon of self abuse?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)