So I'm being best man at a wedding on Saturday
And haven't really bothered to finish my speech yet, so there's plenty of time to add things in. Your suggestions please for words to try and shoehorn in there somewhere.

Alt Q: What would make an amusing wedding present?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:50, 68 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

cunnilingus
both questions.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:50, Reply)

poo on the cake.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:51, Reply)

yeah not in it
that's been done. On it really makes a statement.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:54, Reply)

I think either way makes quite a statement

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:07, Reply)

But it must be put in a sentance like this.
"I have fond memories of (insert bride's name), in fact the memory kinda lingers"
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:08, Reply)

yeah that's what I was going for
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECyoaWMvU9c
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:16, Reply)

Good old NTNON

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:18, Reply)

See how many times you can use the word "divorce" in your speech.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Hello there Doc.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Hello Monty.
etc.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:05, Reply)

I like this

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:07, Reply)

I'm great.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:15, Reply)

we're being unhelpful aren't we?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

Challenging, certainly
Unhelpful, mostly.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

keep going on about how much better your mate's ex was
suggest that the bride looks a bit chubby, and offer a free ride on your disco stick as the wedding present
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Macadamias
for both questions
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:58, Reply)

I like the different angle this puts on things
I could also have a 'your nuts' / 'you're nuts' grammatical joke! HAHAHA!
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:08, Reply)

See!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:09, Reply)

Ah, how first it looked like an awful/strange suggestion
But carried on to become possible, since he studies English language.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:12, Reply)

Aw man
I hope I make Best Man Speech of the Week
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:24, Reply)

mention the supremacy of the Aryan race
and refer to great nights in the past 'paki-bashing' with the groom.

Then break out a Lord's Prayer wank.

DONE.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Lord's Prayer Wank
is still the best solution to any awkward situation where you find you just can't seem to work the audience.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:22, Reply)

fingerbang

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Do you mean Trigger fingers?
If so, you're doing it wrong.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:38, Reply)

whats trigger fingers? down ere in brizzle we say fingerbang

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Say the bride looks really beautiful and just stare at her breathing into the mic for a couple of minutes.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

I just snorted halfchewed apple up my nose while reading that.
I hate trying not to laugh then snorting cos I try so hard. :(
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:01, Reply)

haha!
I can totally imagine you hanging around registry offices doing this
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:01, Reply)

do this!!!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:01, Reply)

Possibly some drool dripping from the corner of my mouth?

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:05, Reply)

hand in pocket too

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:05, Reply)

AAAAAAAAAAAARGH
Mindpiss.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:06, Reply)

just whispering "...yeah..." under your breath.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:05, Reply)

and a hand in your pocket, jerking awkwardly

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:05, Reply)

whilst rumaging in your pockets.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:05, Reply)

Being in a kilt will hinder this

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:06, Reply)

I wore a kilt to my sister's wedding
it was top fun and very liberating, I was the Dance Commander at their reception
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:09, Reply)

Did you have a hat and a sash?

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:11, Reply)

No, I'm scottish
not a fucking girl guide
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:12, Reply)

I'd want a hat
If I was dance commander.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:13, Reply)

You don't need a hat when you've got hips like Elvis

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:14, Reply)

Young Elvis would be good
Almost dead on the crapper Elvis, less so.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:31, Reply)

While patting your crotch like a bear trying to catch salmon.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:15, Reply)

my friend's dad made his father of the bride speech as follows
bearing in mind she was 5 years older and it was her second wedding. most of the guests did not necessarily know this.

"i call my daughter the boomerang bride cos i've given her away once, hahaha"

stunned silence. yorkshire humour goes down like a cup of cold sick in kent, it seems.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Making fun of the bride
Always a good idea.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:09, Reply)

good way to make sure your grandchildren grow up
thinking you died in ww2, yup
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:12, Reply)

on saturday I will be at the rehersal dinner of a wedding because I'm performing the ceremony and omg I've no idea what I'm doing
amusing wedding present, I guess a collage of photos of yourself to put in their house
oh yes that would be hilarious
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:13, Reply)

Alt-Q
Voyeur pictures of the bride naked.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:17, Reply)

you could also incorporate this into your speech
with a power point presentation
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:18, Reply)

The last wedding I went to had a power point presentation.
Several people heard me say "you must be fucking joking?" under my breath, as it started, and I was shunned for the rest of the reception.

It was crap though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:26, Reply)

they shunned you because your fly was undone
and it was winking at them
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:51, Reply)

Incorporate them in
but don't mention them. Have them between slides and such-what...
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Oh no, draw attention to them
All the time ribbing the groom and saying "Who's a lucky bastard then?" or "Seriously, is that a dead badger between her legs?" as appropriate.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:42, Reply)

Talk about the time you two went twos-up on a whore and got matching in-patient braclets at the STI clinic.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:18, Reply)

I'm sorry, I don't know why I say these things, that is highly inappropriate.
Please forgive me.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:23, Reply)

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I say these things, that is highly inappropriate"
You should so try and work that line into the speech after a totally innocuous comment, leaving the audience wondering who you just offended.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Haha, I like that.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:29, Reply)

Pancreas!
Alt Q: "his and hers" ass-tattoos. Done right there at the reception by yourself.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:24, Reply)

"Hi, for those that don't know me, I'm PenguinOfDeath. For many years I've been a close friend of the groom,
and I am deeply honoured and, in fact, humbled, that he has asked me to be his best man on this most special of days.

As is customary at these occasions, I've been asked to prepare a speech, and embarrass this poor feller with anecdotes about some of the ridiculous things we got up to when he was still footloose and fancy-free. But then I thought, just to make this really memorable, I'd share these hilarious stories with you through the medium of mime."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:27, Reply)

^This^

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:29, Reply)

For the speech, use a Neil Hamburger routine
Alt Q: Lingerie
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Alt Q
Wherever they go for their honeymoon, make sure that, at every single hotel they stay in, they receive a poo in the post.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:46, Reply)

aww Poos of the World

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

I think it's the hallmark of a true friend
To have them know that, wherever in the world they go, their best man knows their itinerary sufficiently well to ensure they receive a carefully wrapped parcel of faeces at every location.

And I think Poos of the World should go into production as a quality daily to rival the paper with which it shares a name. With a special opinion column written by Rebecca Poos.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:56, Reply)

I've been best man a couple of times, I've found a good opening gag is:
Ladies, Gentlemen, as you're sure to have realised, today has been a very emotional day for everyone... As you can see, even the cake is in tiers...
It's a bit 'old hat' but pleases the older folk at the start of the speech.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:30, Reply)

^ 24-carat comedy gold ^
Consider this appropriated
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:38, Reply)

I've used this one before...
I must apologise if I appear nervous. This isn’t the first time today that I’ve got up from a warm seat, with a sheet of paper in my hand.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 22 Jul 2010, 11:27, Reply)