stitched up with kindness
so my tooth needs a filling. been holding off due to money and the fact i hate/am terrified of dental work and it's a minor one at the mo.
my gf announced the other day that we were paying a visit to her dentist brother, i was getting my teeth fixed. i said ok, when and how much. she says she's paying, it's a birthday present. the catch? he's only free ON my birthday, or early the day after. so i can either get my tooth angrily sodomised with a drill on my birthday, or during the inevitable hangover the following day. why god, why?!?! and i can't turn it down as it's a gift. i can't even call the dentist a motherfucker if he hurts me, or grab him by the scrotum as soon as he's in range and remind him the instinctive clench reaction to pain is still present, cos it's my girl's brother.
what's stitched you up recently?


alt question: i just had a surprise toilet-blocker of a shit. it was like a muddy ww2 hand grenade. i was expecting something more human looking, and wasn't planning on walking like john wayne for the rest of the day. when did your colon last surprise/terrify you?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:34, 56 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Saturday
I damn near shat myself on Cambridge high street. It was only a moment of remarkable mental clarity on my part that recognised the fart for what it really was that saved me. I managed to duck into a coffee shop and unleash hell just in time.

First and hopefully last time that's ever happened to me.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:50, Reply)

of all the places to shit oneself
cambridge is the best. toffs love that sort of thing.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

AND the hordes
of tourists with cameras and Facebook accounts, no doubt. Embarrassing yourself like that in these modern times has a whole new level of fame attached to it.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

I had a fairly unpleasant virus
weekend before last. I didn't so much shit as have arse gravy explode out of my wretched, red raw sphincter continually over two or three days. I also managed to follow through whilst trying to sneak a fart out during sunday dinner. That was a surprise I could have done without.
(berk, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:50, Reply)

ah, the old 'random seasonal uncontrollable shitting and woe virus'
popular.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:53, Reply)

That's not pleasant
I had a bug like that a year or two back. I spewed up violently, and was roughcasting the porcelain. Except that at one point I couldn't reach both the sink and the toilet at the same time, so I shat on the bathroom floor. Fortunately I wasn't in my own house. I was in a hotel room. I did clean up the worst of it with bog roll but there was still a yellow mark left for the cleaner the following morning.

Sorry, Holiday Inn cleaner!

I knew I'd emptied my digestive tract when the stuff coming from each end had the same smell and appearance.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

just change your birthday
for this year

simple
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:50, Reply)

this could work!
no, wait, it won't.
next.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

hey why not?
I do it when my birthday clashes with things like work and all my mates being away
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Yup, I've changed mine before too

( Peej, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:55, Reply)

only so you could get two cakes
you fat shit ;)
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

If I'm fat then you're Mr Creosote you bulbous monstrosity

( Peej, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:13, Reply)

well, it WAS only wafer thin!
you fuck.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

I had the devil in my undercrackers
On Saturday.

I was drinking 6x on Friday night, this might have had something to do with it. Either way, for most of the morning I couldn't be any more than 6 steps from plumbing.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:54, Reply)

that stuff is pond water
what's wrong with a nice refreshing mojito?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:55, Reply)

I was in a pub.
Not some poncey wine-bar full of blokes called Tarquin and birds called Jemima who spend their nights talking about gymkhanas and skiing.

It had a dart board and everything.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

I fucking love a game of darts
It's an acceptable way of being cool in a pub.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:03, Reply)

I too like playing darts.
But I didn't play darts on Friday. They didn't have any 'arrows' behind the bar. I did ask.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

that's shit
however I do own darts and feel smug right now.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:08, Reply)

I have a couple of sets of darts
But I never take them to the pub with me, unless we've already planned a game of arrows.

Why are you feeling so smug?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:17, Reply)

I refuse to engage in conversation about faecal matter.
I was out with a girl on Saturday night who was describing the frequency of her bowel movements, it was revolting. She was crass. I hate ladettes, I think they're vile.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:55, Reply)

I don't like anyone talking about poohs
but it does feel super wrong when a girl does it, one of my friends who is a lady always tells us when she needs a shit. I don't like that.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

you just engaged in one
AND referenced another one.
someone likes dooky.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Ew.
Girls don't poop.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:20, Reply)

They just beed out all their waste products
from their vaginas.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I'd rather deal with blood than poop

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Well you have to do both,
gutted.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:35, Reply)

MTFU and get the tooth filled.
If you don't, the horrific process of exctraction may well be on the cards. The only hassle is the initial injection, after that it is merely uncomfortable.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

alt q:
last week, it bought me flowers and took me out
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Didn't really surprise me
but I had a brilliant textbook magic poo yesterday. Then I did a dance to celebrate.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Alt Q: Yesterday
I've just got back from 4 days of festival food, leading to me feeling a little blocked up.

In the stretch, I appear to have torn something or other, and was somewhat shocked to wipe, and spot blood on the toilet roll. Not the best, by any stretch of the imagination.

And in advance, yes, I'm positive I didn't partake in any bum fun.

TMI?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

i once accepted a poison chalice
my housemate offered to cook a chilli before i went to download fest one year. you know when someone cooks for you you're sorta obliged to mnake an effort to eat it whatever it ends up like?
yeah
i was humming jonny cash whilst crying gently in a portaloo for the first half of the festival.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Speaking of fucked teeth
Holy jesus is fizzy Lucozade the sweetest stuff on earth? It's like concentrated sugar! Urgh, wish I never picked this up.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

They sale "Energy Mountin Dew" in all my local shops now.
It's like drinking fizzy limeaid from a machine, only with 25% syrup to 75% fizzy water.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:02, Reply)

I was just about to mention that
Mountain Dew is already virtually saturated with sugar!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:03, Reply)

I love mountain dew

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:04, Reply)

I've been drinking 'V' and 'Prudys' lately.
Lovely stuff.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:10, Reply)

I'm off to get plain old water. I feel sick!

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

I'm sorry, Pete, but I really don't feel comfortable sharing information about my colon's activities with anyone on here.
I do hope you don't mind, it's just that it's a very personal question.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

well, since most people's alt q is merely metaphorically speaking, shit
i thought i'd add a dash of nutty brown realism to proceedings.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Why would you like to know about the intrigates of my bowel movements anyway?
What's it to you, are you doing some sort of servay? What are your intentions for this data?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:09, Reply)

i intend to use it to justify new government initiatives
to enable you to self certify for up to two hours during a working day as 'pooping uncontrollably' or possibly 'troublesome fecal extraction procedure'
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:19, Reply)

"troublesome fecal extraction procedure"
sounds like you're digging it out with a spoon or something.

Perhaps 'violent faecal expulsion process' would be better.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:21, Reply)

spoon?
jcb ,morelike.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:22, Reply)

I didn't specify the size of the spoon...

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:23, Reply)

I don't like the fact that you're making fun of my legally registared medical condition and ailment that stops me from furfilling a productive life style.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:28, Reply)

I have been known to surprise people with my colon
if I use it in a text message.

I have also been known to use semi-colons. I like grammatically correct texts.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:05, Reply)

You could have
used one here, in fact.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Indeed!

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Is it sad
that a correctly placed semi-colon gives me joy?
( Kroney, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Not at all
I hate it when people write one continuous sentence without breaking it up with a comma, semicolon or even into two separate sentences.

"It was a nice day we took the kids to the beach they loved it"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Ahh
Well look on the bright side - you're getting your teeth done for free. It'll hurt in the short term but you'll probably feel a lot better after. And it'll be preferable to leaving it till the point where you need serious, much more agonising and not free work done on it so yeah, I'd bite the bullet and go for it.

Alt Q. Ever since I was stupid enough to trust a fart after I thought I was over a nasty stomouch bug my colon's been relatively well behaved...
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:10, Reply)

i know this
but somethign in my psyche is violently opposed to dental work, paid or otherwise during a day of celebration.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:21, Reply)

As you get older
You'll celebrate less on your birthday...

It wouldn't faze me if I had to go to the dentist on my birthday. Except for the fact that I'd likely be away somewhere as we usually have a short break at birthday time.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:23, Reply)

True
But it sounds like this guy is a genuinely nice bloke and going out of his way to help. My advice would be to take him up on it, re-arrange birthday celebrations to another day and invite him out to them as a thankyou. Oh and explain to him your fear of dentists, and that anything you do and/or say in the dentists chair is not personal and that you don't realy mean it. Mind you, if he's a dentist he's probably used to that sort of thing.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:25, Reply)

he's done minor work on me before.
to be fair, you wouldn't get one of them near me without armed support or possibly an airstrike under normnal conditions, this guy is a cracking bloke.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 14:09, Reply)