Right, you bastards, I'm off to Glasgow today
Any last-minute advice before I face the Ginger Hellspawn herself tomorrow? Or insults you might want to throw at me in preparation? I know how you all love to help me prepare.

Alt Q - what's been going on lately, I haven't been around much on account of having better things to do
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 7:41, 65 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Go to Edinburgh instead.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 7:44, Reply)

Stirling advice, if a Scottish travel novel called Trainspotting is to be believed
Unfortunately the filming takes place in Glasgow so I have no choice. The Beeb have promised taxis to and from everywhere so I shouldn't have to actually see Glasgow at any point, thank fuck
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 7:47, Reply)

Remember to pronounce
it Glazz-gow (not Glazz-go, they hate that).
( djtrialprice, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:31, Reply)

I never knew that
It is true that your average Glaswegian can smell Englishness the way that sharks can sense fear?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Dunno, but my mate at Glasgow uni got non stop abuse when he wore a poppy last month. Nice bunch eh.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:34, Reply)

Your mate consciously decided to spend 3 years (at least) in fucking GLASGOW?!
It would've been decent of you to tap him on the shoulder and advise him that there are plenty of other Universities, and that the vast majority aren't located in Glasgow
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:37, Reply)

You're going to do just great up there.

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:38, Reply)

I know right
I assume everyone begins all their sentenecs with "och aye the noo" or "crivens" and the men in skirts are jovial about the deserved ribbing they endure for their dubious fashion sense
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:43, Reply)

He's in his third year now...but he's on a four year course the poor bugger.
He keeps trying to tell me how it's a better city than Newcastle. Oh how I laughed. Not that Newcastle's much better, it's tres boring.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:43, Reply)

Haven't been to Newcastle
I assume it's full of Ant & Dec copyists and delusional mentalists telling everyone that it's only a matter of time before the football team wins the World Cup and how they're such a big club

/lazy geographical stereotyping
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:47, Reply)

A surprisingly accurate portrayal.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Ooh, ooh, where else?
Manchester's full of badly-dressed idiots and piss-poor bands

I actually am unwilling to retract this one, any city that gives us Oasis, Take That and Simply Red has a fuckload of apologising to do
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Yes but Manchester also gave us The Courteeners so doesn't that make up for it? No? Alright then.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:56, Reply)

Manchester needs a new Faith No More and preferably several electronic bands of a Pendulum or CombiChrist level of brilliance
to make up for their many musical crimes against humanity
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:00, Reply)

You should listen to NekroDrako then

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Effort
Link?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Electronic/Industrial music, met the lads at Bloodstock
www.myspace.com/nekrodrako
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Lovely stuff
Not my words Michael... the words of Shakin' Stevens
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I remember Newcastle when it was full of of Spender lookalikes.
How times have changed.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:57, Reply)

We're positively cosmopolitan now.
Norwich, of course, is populated by Alan Partridge clones with unhealthy knowledge of their siblings and arable crop rotation systems.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:08, Reply)

As a fully qualified foreigner (pronounced "furriner") by Norfolk standards
I can confirm that this is entirely correct. You should see the place since Bernard Matthews died. There aren't this many long faces at the Grand National
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:11, Reply)

That's the idea, wear a black armband today
In memory of our Bernard
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Bah
No-one gives a shit about Robin Hood having carked it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:16, Reply)

That was some time ago though

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

Granted
But he did more than knacker a few turkeys. Assuming that films haven't lied to me, he overthrew a corrupt King whilst dealing with a wildly fluctuating accent
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:30, Reply)

He should have bought a Scottish poppy

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:39, Reply)

Rootz!
I passed the Liverpool sign yesterday, considered visiting, but then thought better of it.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:41, Reply)

You fucker

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:43, Reply)

Dignity, always dignity.
And flatulence.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:37, Reply)

Good point
I'll wait for the people nearest to me to be voted off before I start letting rip though. Nothing will get a man nominated like bad gas
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:38, Reply)

Best of luck and all that,
but are you going to tell us all how far you got before being booted, or do we have to wait for the programme? No secret gazzing so it comes to light slowly.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:43, Reply)

Thank you sir
I fully intend to fucking win it, so I'll tell you all how I do and when you can see it, assuming things go according to plan

If I go out first round you'll never hear from me on the subject again
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Do I need to remind you again?

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:46, Reply)

I'm still confused as to the purpose behind your FB mail
but I do have the memory of a goldfish. Which bodes very well for my taking part in a general knowledge-based quiz tomorrow
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:50, Reply)

*Sigh*
When she asks you for a demonstration of ballet (or whatever) Just say "OK, it's a deal if you will say "Preciousssss!" like you did in LOTR."
She is Gollum and I claim my five pounds.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:52, Reply)

Yes!
I like this

And now I remember the first time you said it

There's no way in hell that they'll broadcast that if I do say it, but I'll have a go anyway
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Last minute advice: don't bother going.
The Weakest Link is an embarrassing, hackneyed piece of piss-poor shit, Anne Robinson's a cunt and you're a bender.

Alt: loads of cool, secret stuff - it's been fucking AMAZING on here. And even better on the secret board.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:48, Reply)

Technically not last minute advice on two counts
1) It's not last minute until 11.56, when it will be less than 60 seconds until my train goes

2) I'm pretty sure you said that weeks ago
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:53, Reply)

it's like a speshul version of 15 to 1.

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:54, Reply)

I'm more of a 'Going for Gold' kind of fellow,
with professional padraig Henry Kelly.

'Gunther, you have control of the game'

'Who am I? I am small central European principality. I have borders with Germany and...'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:57, Reply)

now that was a quiz show
what I fucking hate about that sort of programme these days (although not the Weakest Link) is the way they talk through their fucking answers all the time. Reasoning out why it's not every other answer except the one they are going for. I blame that cunt Tarrant and Who wants to be a millionaire.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:00, Reply)

The talking through the answers is very crap.
Just give the answer and get on to the next question.

I would replace "pass" with "fuck knows" though
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Agreed
But I want Twitter to replace RT with "That's what SHE said"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Telly was telly back then

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:01, Reply)

'Dagmar, select.'
I once jostled against him whilst trying to get served in a bar.

I have lived a very full life.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:02, Reply)

unfortunately you aren't stupid enough to win
people who know stuff never win the Weakest Link because they get voted off by morons who are threatened by them.

Everything has happened. You have missed the end of the internet. This is just the debriefing.

edit: Tell Anne Robinson you are going to bend her over and take her to brown town.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:55, Reply)

^POTD so far
I've missed your dry humour, you shit

Ms Foxtrot also fears the tactical vote-off, but she's most worried that I'll come across as a bad loser (I am) and a bitter twat (again, fair) on national TV if I get voted off before the end
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:57, Reply)

I've not been on so much
need to be careful of my usage while on secondment.

good luck with it today.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:59, Reply)

Cheers mate :-)

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:03, Reply)

Just make sure your hair is awesome for the telly.
Good luck!
( girlinthehole, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 8:58, Reply)

Ms Foxtrot just cut it specially
Thank you honey
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:03, Reply)

Dunno, are you gonna wear your gayest diamonique earrings?
Just be yourself man, and by that I mean mince around the set and have Anne 'Piss can' Robinson rip the piss out of you. If you die a death I might even watch the show for the lols.
Love Rory x
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:00, Reply)

I'm fairly confident, having seen the way that taking the piss out of some contestants is like getting blood out of a stone,
that the BBC are rubbing their hands in gleeful anticipation of my attendance
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:05, Reply)

You should wear assless chaps

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:05, Reply)

No-one would know...
Except the poor bastard production team. No-one deserves that
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Dab some whiskey on your chops.
Then ask her if she likes your aftershave.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Hahaha!
I like this

If I employed every response I've been proposed by B3ta (I especially like Roota's instruction to tell her she's no fucking Scouser) they'd have to give me a show all to myself

Which actually sounds BRILLIANT
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Or, copy her wink.
Keep winking and see if she involuntarily does it back after a while, before it develops into a full on nervous tick.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:10, Reply)

It'll develop into a mass wink-off
Like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer and Skinner keep giving each other the curt military nod until they both end up looking like the Churchill dog on methamphetamine
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Well you are both massive winkers.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Try to shoehorn in a comment about how it looks like she's from heaven, it's just a shame she landed face first on arrival

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Good luck, but don't bother with any witty comebacks
they just edit them out
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Agreed
Am restricting myself to answering her questions in a self-deprecating way, and trying to avoid saying "you think that's an insult? You should hear what Monty called me the other day"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Good luck and all that.
But the television quiz reached its zenith with Ask The Family.
Robert Robinson giving us, the beans on toast eating underclass, a weekly reminder of how much better than us the middle class were.

I used to spend the whole show tugging my forelock. Let's face it you don't feel the urge to tug anything when Anne Robinson is on.
(Cave Duck, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Speak for yourself.
Often feel like tugging the toilet chain.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Dec 2010, 12:46, Reply)