My Great Uncle
told me:
'Never get drunk on Port'

I never have so don't know what it would do.

Although I do know of someone who did and puked purple puke down the side of a minibus all the way up the M6...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 8:15, 5 replies)

Thanks Granpa
"Now, you don't need to tell anyone our little secret, do you, boy?"
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 7:17, Reply)

FIST YOUR GRANDMOTHERS
right now
( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 3:15, 4 replies)

Nobody ever laid on their death bed
and wished they'd spent more time at the office.
( ..wil, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 2:24, 7 replies)

my nan was a bitter old crone
who never gave us any advice.
she did, however, allow us to touch her false leg in lieu of pocket money.

strangely, she did teach me(by deed rather than word) to never trust old people. they're cunning fuckers.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 1:45, Reply)

Old folks home
i did some work exp at a government share home for the elderly (or whatever bollocks they call them) they all told me to in no polite terms to "fuck off"

I stayed .

Took a month to get the smell of piss out of my hair...
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 1:16, Reply)

i make a thing of not listening to everything my mother says
my mother, easily panicked, read a newspaper article about students dealing with debt and came and found me.

'do NOT, whatever you do, kill yourself!'

i'll try not to, mum.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 0:49, 4 replies)

It's been varied, I must say.
Daddy Maladicta is unimpressed with my situation; like most fathers, he wants the best for his kids but is sadly out of touch with the real world, still believing that there is a magical thing called a "graduate job" that will take anyone from any degree course and train them up to be anything if they've never had a job ever. He also dislikes my decision to live with Mr Maladicta on the grounds that we are "living in sin", despite not having a religious bone in his body (he refused to be listed as a guarantor for us, which we need as we're both under 25, on the flat we are - hopefully - signing for sometime this week on these grounds). This has resulted in tears, yelling and a boyfriend who is very reluctant to ever be in the same room as my father again.

Ironically, my Catholic nan, who I usually paraphrase Zero Punctuation in describing as "a hybrid of Hitler and Skeletor, whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence" (we don't get on, usually, on account of me being a slightly overweight girly who can't drive), is perfectly fine with the whole arrangement, despite having only learned of Mr Maladicta's existence less than a week ago and having never met him. She said "you have to do what makes you happy."

Mummy Maladicta isn't really big on the whole advice thing but she has provided me with a few gems, mostly to do with relationships:

"If you can't be good, be careful. Just DO NOT get pregnant."
"If a man hits you, leave him. Don't believe he won't do it again, no matter how sorry he says he is, just go."

So far, so normal.

"Don't get married, Maladicta. See the world."

In fairness, this was after a row with my dad.

During a conversation on the phone where I told her I'd had a dodgy stomach for a few days and said I'd not been doing anything to cause it, meaning not undercooking my food or overdoing the alcomahol; however, she came out with this gem:

"If a man wants to have anal sex with you he's perverted and he doesn't love you."

WTF, mother?
( Maladicta, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 0:08, 12 replies)

went to my grandma's 83rd birthday lunch
today. bless her, she's recently moved into sheltered accommodation, which she hates . she has to be there because she is sharp as a tack when she's looked after. however, left to her own devices at her own house or ours, this sweet little 5' tall old lady can drink vodka like a russian sailor on leave and is forever falling over and being robbed etc.

anyway, she was having a really lovely time today, thoroughly overexcited by the spoiling and all the family being there and not a little drunk. she ordered the lobster and we were reminiscing about the meals at the house we had in spain when my mother was alive. the local spanish word for lobster is "bogavante" (pronounced boogabante, such a cool word!) and we were talking about a particular dish featuring paella rice and bogavante.

grandma beamed, waving a chunk of buttery lobster around on the end of her fork, sauce flying everywhere.

"i can't wait to tell them all at the home that i've had bugger-bugger-bugger-bollocky for my birthday," she giggled. "won't they be surprised?"

yes. yes, i think they probably were.

she is also full of wise yorkshire sayings. her favourite is "fat sorrow" whenever she is toasting anything, closely followed by "if women ruled the world, there would be no wars" and "hear all, see all, say nowt. eat all, sup all, pay nowt. and if ever tha does owt for nowt... do it for thysen."

happy birthday grandma!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 23:46, Reply)

After chopping chilli
Make sure you wash your hands, and, when wanking, don't wear headphones with music blaring...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 22:59, 2 replies)

I miss the old bugger
Admittedly, as someone hurtling towards 40 like a particularly depressed lemming, I realise that I am an old bugger to most of you, however I will pass on some gems from a man i wish I had known much, much better. With a few other from other assorted bods........

1. Always open doors for an alleged lady. Worst case, you can slam it in her face, shout 'surprise!' and be off the premises before she wakes up and starts talking about commitment and stuff.

2. Never give your real name and address on a first date.

3. They're all snakes with tits.

4. Shoot the officer, the radio operator, the NCO (who'll probably be hiding behind a private anyway), someone having a shit, or someone having scoff. Do not shoot the cook, as they'll cheer you for hours.

5. If you're not in bed by 10pm, go home.

6. Anyone born South of Leeds is a soft shandy drinking puff.

7. 1200 hrs is officialy beer o'clock.

8. If in doubt of right of way while driving through a junction, just CHARGE. They'll move.

9. All coppers are bastards.

10. And too young. I've got shoes, a souvenir Kukhri and three dried ears older than you.

Cheers Grandad. Give 'em Hell (and a Dimple Haig)
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 21:35, Reply)

don't die when not necessary
"When climbing in a tree, stop unpromptedly when you reach the top."
"When walking into a body of water, autonomously start swimming motion, when necessary."
This is to be read in the handbook for recruits of the german army, which supposedly some old geezer wrote. Still definitely some useful advice i'd say.
(Boor, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 21:35, 1 reply)

Friends Grandmother
When coming "out of the closet" to her grandmother was told "Well at least if your a lesbian, you can't get knocked up!"

First post! :)
(GhettoBird, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 21:33, Reply)

My Nan
My Nan told me that it was better to sleep without underwear on because it, "needs to breath."

As a seven-year-old, I didn't like the idea of it 'breathing' so I didn't take her advice. But I grew up knowing that my Nan sleeps commando.
(Arctix, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 21:07, 3 replies)

Just found this gem:
"If you can't have fun in your own home you clearly haven't been stocking your house correctly."
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 20:32, 1 reply)

from granny
Stay away from badgers/elephants
Marry somebody rich
always check your breasts
those flying fish, you don't even need a rod you can just catch them
(chazsnape, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 20:24, 2 replies)

My Nan once told me:
"Never take advice from anyone."

I sensibly avoided a paradox by not buying into the false dichotomy that was presented to me.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 19:58, 3 replies)

Old guy my Great-Uncle... Grand-Uncle? Whatever my Grandad's brother is
Walking by a pub on the main street (I can't see drink explaining/excusing this) there was an old guy sitting on the window sill who said "I know a Halpinstein when I see one (Or words to that effect). I know your grandad etc.*insert anecdote I think it involved moving furniture*"

People who know me know I hate talking in the street, if I'm outside I'm going somewhere so I was trying to politely get away. Unfortunately the bastard wouldn't stop shaking my hand.

Getting to the QOTW point he imparts some wisdom to me "A thing that has always kept me in good stead is remembering the truth is in their eyes. From your eyes I can tell you're one of the good ones *note my incredulity*. You can tell the bad ones by their eyes." There is some truth in that I guess, known a few people with dead eyes and they were cunts.

The part were he loses the minor, grudging acceptance from me was when he said.

"But do you know who it is most telling in? The ones you can REALLY tell it from?"

"No. Who?"

"The Niggers... -no need to continue-

Somewhat paraphrased but the main points are there.
(Dr. Halpinstein, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 18:34, Reply)

Auntie
From an Auntie: "While you're young, move abroad, dye your hair blue and pierce your bits."

I moved abroad, got a mohican and an earring.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 17:57, Reply)

More than enough, thanks
From dead Granddad: "More than a mouthful is a waste."

From Grandma: "Don't sit on the wet grass, you'll get King Cough". (an imaginary disease that covers all kinds of chills).

A teacher: "Never, ever stop asking questions."

An old flatmate: "Become a nurse, because you'll never make it as anything else."

An old boss on my impending change of career: "It'll be a disaster."
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 17:54, Reply)

How to judge what your girlfriend will look like when she gets old...
This is my advice for all you young men out there...


Yes, I suppose you can judge what your girlfriend will look like when she gets older by looking at how her mother has aged.

However....always, always make sure you know what your girlfriend is wearing when you're staying with her parents....

Why?

Because an affectionate pat on the backside is likely to offend if it's not your girlfriend.


That is all.


This public information announcement has been brought to you on behalf of PJM Red-Faced Productions
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 17:51, 7 replies)

Grandad's advice

My grandad is 81, deaf as a post, refuses to wear hishearing aidand sometimes comes across as a bit mad. But actually, he does pretty well, still drives and is a bit of a ladies man.

As he is old, he thinks he can get away with giving any advice he can think of.

He once found out that my cousin was chopping and changing his job and being a general loudmouth.

My grandad rang him up and gave him some advice:

"I can tell you this because i'm your grandad, but sometimes, but your a bit of a twat."

Greatest day ever
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 17:10, 2 replies)

Here's some advice for you: enjoy your summer with new and fun activities.
I just wanted to share with you a great new summer activity for the entire family: Squirrel Teleportation!

And how does one accomplish this, you ask? Why, nothing could be simpler! All you need are the following:

-a birdfeeder that squirrels know about
-a yard full of squirrels
-a Havahart trap
-some peanut butter
-a car

Options include:
-kids
-a small hyperactive dog who loves to chase squirrels

Set up the trap near the feeder. Bait the trap with peanut butter- it’s fragrant and sticky, so it will attract the squirrels but not be easy for them to steal. Sit back and wait for a bit.

After a while the squirrels will notice this new thing in the yard and will at first be leery of it, but after a time they’ll get used to it- and smell something appealing inside. When they go to investigate a sudden clang behind them will announce the beginning of their trip!

If you have kids or a small hyperactive dog (a Jack Russell terrorist is ideal), they will let you know when the squirrel has been caught. At this point you may be well advised to keep said children and/or idiot dogs at bay while you go to check. But once you have ascertained that you do indeed have a squirrel, you can let the kids and/or the idiot dog go check it out- but only for a moment, as the squirrel will not see the humor in this situation.

After you’ve peeled the idiot dog’s nose from the cage and banished it indoors, you can take the cage to the waiting car. During this walk you may taunt the squirrel to let him know just where things really stand. The word “pwn3d” may be used if the mood strikes.

Put the trap in the back seat of the car with the opening facing the door. The squirrel may try to take revenge by leaving a few fragrant reminders behind, so newspaper on the seats is recommended. Drive the squirrel a mile or two away, pull off to the side, open the door, bring the edge of the cage to open space, inform the squirrel that he has tasted the last of your goddam strawberries, then open the end of the cage. Watch for the vapor trail as the suitably chastised and pissed-off squirrel heads for the nearest cover.

Repeat as needed. Because as far as the other squirrels are concerned, that other one just vanished! Poof, and he was gone! But hey, what’s this metal thing? And what smells so good inside it?...

It makes for a wonderful game. We have:

-the Baiting of The Squirrel
-the Capture of The Squirrel
-the Taunting of The Squirrel
-the Transporting of The Squirrel
-the Launching of The Squirrel
And finally, start of the game all over again.

Bonus points if the idiot dog smells the squirrels inside the trap after you've released them, goes inside to sniff around and gets caught in the trap. At this point you can indulge in the Taunting of The Idiot Dog, and the term "pwn3d" should definitely be applied.

I can already tell you how my summer will be spent!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 17:08, 10 replies)

Oh, I'm sorry
A friend of mine once bought one of those cast-rubber-around-your-cock-and-make-a-plaster-of-paris-dildo kit, and he intended to surprise his girlfriend for her birthday. After working up a suitable stiffy, he picked out the bottle of liquid rubber, shuffled hands a few times before realising that the forthcoming operation was definitely a two-person job. Being understandably unwilling to phone a friend, he nipped out to the shed to finish the job, thanks to his Black & Decker Workmate.

Gently, VERY GENTLY, using the Workmate to hold his appendage steady, he bit off the top of the bottle and began to make his cast. All was going very well until his missus came home and decided she wanted to trim the hedge. With the shears. Which were in the shed.

Looking around the door, she was horrified to find her partner apparently engaged in solo S&M play with a workbench, fled and stayed the weekend at her parents.

Even now she speaks of when she Had Vice For a Mould Peep Hell.

Look, I said sorry in advance. You didn't have to read it.

BTW - parts of this story are actually true: I'm sure I can crowbar it into a future QOTW.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 16:55, 4 replies)

my grandad once told me:
"Don't bother trying to get an Ice Cream from the Ice cream van when it is playing the music; It means that it has run out"


sorry guys
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sun 22 Jun 2008, 16:53, 2 replies)

My old headteacher
when he left gave us a speech. In it he said: "You will be told that your schooldays are the best days of your life. With all due respect, I sincerely hope that they are not. I hope that your best days are always ahead of you."

I was only 16 at the time and didn't really get it then, but since I've realised, isn't that the best thing you could ever wish for anyone?
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 15:35, 3 replies)

Hmm
"You might need some lubricant, love... only I dried up in my 70s".

She wasn't wrong.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 15:12, Reply)

Best advice given to me ...
...from Gran was, "Always check how your boyfriend treats his mum, as that is going to be the way he treats you." And she was damn right!
(Faye Corgasm, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 15:06, 3 replies)