I never learned to change my own nappy.

(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Sun 8 Feb 2015, 19:15, 2 replies)

Odd or Even Numbers....
I have no idea which is which!
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sun 8 Feb 2015, 18:14, 3 replies)

I still don't know the meaning of the word "week".

(McChinaman banned, Sun 8 Feb 2015, 11:06, 1 reply)

b3ta.com/questions/gettingold2/post1641225
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 7 Feb 2015, 10:20, 2 replies)

I never learned how to even
Imagine that. 35 years old and I just can't even. It's not, like, I just can't even right now. I just can't even, like, ever.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Sat 7 Feb 2015, 6:55, 3 replies)

As hard as I try...
...I can't manage to piss in my own mouth.
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Fri 6 Feb 2015, 18:17, 4 replies)

In the last 35 years I have smoked almost continually, enjoyed many and varied drugs etc. etc.
but I still can't roll a cigarette.

I'm beginning to wonder if my thumbs aren't opposable after all.
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Fri 6 Feb 2015, 14:54, 9 replies)

Tax largely remains a mystery to me
Thankfully my partner is an accountant, so I don't have to worry about it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 6 Feb 2015, 12:42, 19 replies)

put an accumulator bet on the football
that wins.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 6 Feb 2015, 12:02, Reply)

Make an omelette
No matter what insturctions, directions or advice i follow it always comes out like scrambled egg.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 6 Feb 2015, 8:14, 13 replies)

post on qotw

( Peej, Thu 5 Feb 2015, 18:32, Reply)

I reckon most of you could easily learn how to do these things without too much effort.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 5 Feb 2015, 16:03, 1 reply)

If I have a page from a magazine of a lady in a short skirt
How come by tipping the page on it's side, I'm not able to see up her skirt?

It's really annoying.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 5 Feb 2015, 12:31, 2 replies)

I still tie shoelaces by making bunny ears.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 5 Feb 2015, 11:42, 6 replies)

Farking Cling Wrap
*AHEM* If I must say so, I've played a fuck-ton of sport, studied physics up to university level, I have exceptional spatial reasoning.... but cling wrap does my farking head in....

I can't do a nice clean RRRIP using the serrations on the box. It always ends up as this munted mess that has folded in on itself and stuck together.

So I either have to unstick the mess or try again.

I do have a fool proof method using my forearm, but that doesn't seem particularly hygienic, and it's not how the birds do it on the TV commercials.
(Big Ramifications, Thu 5 Feb 2015, 7:52, 9 replies)

When I was a lad
I thought I'd never figure out how to get into the pants of a decent looking woman.
It turns out I was right.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 5 Feb 2015, 2:21, 4 replies)

at the ripe old age of 29
its took me 2 attempts to test milk for phosphatase

where has it all gone wrong?
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Wed 4 Feb 2015, 20:06, 6 replies)

Women
I still can't understand women: 'ban page 3' campaign one day and then 'free the nipple' the next. Do you want to get your boobs out or not? I don't care either way - just please make your minds up.
(l0bst3r, Wed 4 Feb 2015, 14:31, 36 replies)

Mum!
The mother of one of my son's school friends had to go into hospital for a few days for an operation. The father was left on his own to look after 2 children. It's not that he didn't know how to work a washing machine - he didn't even know where it was! (They did have quite a big house). Luckily his mum lived 2 doors away so he and the children just moved in with her until his wife was out of hospital.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 4 Feb 2015, 7:20, 13 replies)

I never learnt to read
in fact, I have no idea what I've just written here.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 4 Feb 2015, 2:54, 3 replies)

Optimus Prime isn't my favourite Transformer. He's not even in my top ten.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 19:28, 26 replies)

..work the washing machine
and have no desire to learn
(terryhoosh remembers when this was all fields, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 17:42, 6 replies)

Sorry, I don't have an answer, I'm a functioning adult.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 16:29, 5 replies)

i can't go a full day without shitting my pants

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 14:45, 8 replies)

I suppose I shouldn't give the satisfaction, but this is the last time I will ever visit this site. So long B3ta, thanks for the laughs.
But this is the last time I will ever visit this site.
So long B3ta, thanks for the laughs.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 12:58, 10 replies)

I can't remember East from West
Unless I picture a map of Britain in my head.
I also can't remember which way is clockwise, without picturing the face of a clock with the hands going round, speeded up.
(Porcupine, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 12:10, 9 replies)

I can't stay away from other peoples bins.

( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 11:58, 2 replies)

I can't...
put things back where they are supposed to be. Or at least thats what the missus says, as apparently there is a place where everything is supposed to be.

I also seem to be unable to realise when a carton of milk has expired, a bottle of coke, lemonade or bottle of sauce is now empty. They all go back into the fridge/cupboard (surely their rightful place).

Batteries are a constant source of confusion as well, rather buying new batteries I swap them from one remote control to the other to the wireless thermostat controller for the heating, until the inevitable happens and we have no handheld battery operated device that works in the house. Including sex toys. Yes.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 11:53, 3 replies)

Acting your age? BUT WHEN?
When I was young, say from 10 to around 14, just as you're starting to understand the world around you, I'd look at the grown ups in their suits driving to work, driving buses and trucks, doing the humdrum things I saw grown ups doing. I used to think there must be a point in life, like puberty, where you stop having these childish thoughts and that switch CLICKS over and suddenly - thats it, you're there, you've done it. Here's your medal - you're a grown up! No more thoughts of pushing toy cars, chucking Action Man out of the window on some string or doing wheelies on your bike as you ride off a high kerb.

I'm now 40 and nothings changed in my head. I feel the same, or at least I think I am. I'm 40 with a wife (perfectly sane and keeps me grounded and a better person), 3 kids (make me aspire to be even better), mortage - the lot. As a kid, 40 was like nearly DEAD. So here I am, nearly dead but I'm still that childish idiot who has no clue about money, economics, geo-political stability or how a car enginer works (magic?). We had work photos taken today, professional ones. What did I do on the first photo? Crossed my eyes and made a blem face. My 12 year old daughters phone rang at the weekend, a boy, so I answered it like Liam Neeson and said "I have a particular set of skills, I will find you, and I will kill you" and cackled before he hung up. I bought my sons Airfix kits - then did them myself (they had glue EVERYWHERE!), I play their consoles (I'm not allowed one 'being grown up') and I showed my oldest how to ollie on his Ben 10 skateboard and promptly broke it in half. I'm just an immature idiot with no idea.

I guess there's something wrong with me, cause I don't ever see myself growing up, is there a normal? and who would want to? I'm fucking DYING for snow - I've got half a blue plastic barrel to push down from the top of the local pitheap then jump in it.
(TheManofScience, Tue 3 Feb 2015, 11:41, 14 replies)