David from Margate says
"There's many times that I literally cry my heart out"

Ouch.
(kukomanga, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 18:39, Reply)

Honestly
To get the wonderful mooglemania into bed, first of all I gave his wife advice on how to fix their marrage (really, i was trying to help) then got invited by her to stop over when home and school got too much for me... really not sure how the hell we did get together, but i'm glad it worked!

Edit... mooglemania isnt a cradle snacher, i was 17, in 6th form
(becca_kitten Is odd at best, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 18:31, Reply)

Cunning Scheme
Once, when I was 15, I offered an extremely attractive girl a can of beer for a kiss.

She agreed.

Me, being the sly old thing I am, had, unbeknownst to her, already finished that can.

So, I got a kiss, and also didn't have to part with any beer.

Result.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 18:24, Reply)

Margate minger
Jesus. Looking at that profile is sad. I'd say that anyone who has the nerve to post a profile like that and then agree to be interviewed by a news agency about how much he sucks at life wins this week's QOTW contest.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 18 Apr 2007, 18:23, Reply)

We all know the apocryphal tale...
Of a desperate sort who puts cream on their plonker in order their rough-tongued feline chum will lick it off and bring them to a light-sandpapery 'conclusion'.

I'm the only person I know who's licked a full English breakfast off a labrador's cock first.
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Wed 18 Apr 2007, 18:11, Reply)

oh dear oh dear, no wondr he had no success
app10.datingdirect.com/public/profile/default.asp?frmMemberProfileId=1942046&frmReferer=101
(suboftheday, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 18:10, Reply)

Mates Birthday
Went out to a club for a mates 19th birthday...

(This was about 10 years ago)

After a cocktail of lager and cheap class A's cofidence was found to walk round club with said mate approaching groups of ladies with the line, "Alright ladies! It's my mates birthday can he have a birthday kiss?"

Never in a million years did I think this would work....

It did

Big time...

After he had finished full on tongue snogging about the 20th lady I thought I would 'break away' and it would become my birthday.

The first 2 ladies I approached hit me with the line, "I'm old enough to be your mother"

On closer inspection she appeared to be right.

Then she followed up with, "but i know someone who would like you, follow me"

She only introduced me to her daughter....with whom I had a very pleasant aquaintance for about 3 weeks...

It appears that every mother knows what her daughter likes.

Bonus.....
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 16:40, Reply)

BBC News Guy Person.
That guy is from my hometown (yeah I'm ashamed to be from Margate) and I've seen him around a few times.
I now feel tempted to laugh at and/or poke him with a stick every time I see him now.
Even if he does just want some sexy-love.

On-topic: I did something not too dissimilar to Joey in Friends.
I was sitting with a girl who I really liked and apparently really liked me, and I thought all the signs where there, so after a few hours of cuddling on the sofa in front of a few films, she goes out of the room to get a drink.
To return to see me with wanger out looking suggestive.
I swear if I hadn't been as solid as your average lampost I wouldn't have got away with it.
Not doing it again mind, even though it did work.
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Margate Saddo
I agree - It looks like his hairdo is trying to eat him.

-length joke here-
(Igor, The Evil Spacemonkey is behind you!, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 16:04, Reply)

Pants Pie
My crush at the time had a thing about Pants Pie. He loved it though it was difficult to find in shops. So upon discovering this fact I set about finding the recipe. The MADDEST thing was that I had to find pants in all different colours and made from all kinds of material, for differing textures and appearance made for different tastes. Took me almost a year to find the right pants and then I made the Pants Pie and got into his own Pants Pie. Huzzah!
(angelica666, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 15:51, Reply)

Simple solution
If he's going to spend that much money he might as well have surrounded himself with prostitutes. He could have had a shag every night tbh.

I'm bored of whores, whores are bored
I've bored whores... with a drill
(Crash0ng does not recognise your line., Wed 18 Apr 2007, 15:22, Reply)

A couple from the archives here:


For the chance of sharing my little single bed with the under-age girl-of-my-dreams when I was a horny jeune homme, I let her Mum sleep on the floor in the same room for a couple of days...now there's odd. My underpants were stretched beyond redemption before the second morning and my scrotum resembled an under-ripe kiwi fruit.

On a different tack (and according to my calculator) - in order to get the present Mrs Grimsdale to perform intersting and various acts of a sexual nature with me roughly 1,700 times, I agreed to dedicate my life to her and keep my filthy paws off all others....

...since 1985.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 14:56, Reply)

Legless 2.0
That guy need both a shag AND a haircut.

Let me put it this way - would you shag him with hair like that? ;-)
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 18 Apr 2007, 14:40, Reply)

Scooby who?
A mate of mine was in Chechozlo Czheck Checkoz... he was in a foreign place with some mates. Anyway, he gets chatting to these birds in a bar and when they ask him what he does, he tells them he draws Scooby Doo - for the telly and that. They believed him and were amazed. Later on, these same girls were shot at by a passing motorist. Coincidence? I think not!
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 14:27, Reply)

More of the same
In order to impress a woman, I* told her I didn't eat cake as it goes straight to my thighs.

*Not me, Jerry Seinfeld actually. No apologies for plagiarism either as this QOTW is dying a slow, painful death. It's like listening to an operetta.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Flattery gets you everywhere
I remember sitting down in a park about a year ago, chatting to some bird who had previously been seeing a mate of mine.

I somehow got her to give me an amazing blowy behind a tree, because i told her that her ex/my mate had said that "she was really good at it" and i wanted to see if he was exaggerating. Terrible, i know.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 13:45, Reply)

That Guy
Doesn't need a haircut. He needs a shag.

Would have been better, and cheaper, to come on here for advice. At the very least, he'd learn what *not* to do....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 13:38, Reply)

Laydiees
Well a bit of advice....If you work with or go to uni with a guy whose a bit of a loner, maybe spends too much time on his computer playing games or on B3ta- sleep with him just in case he goes nuts and shoots you and about 30 other people........ Prevention is better than cure!!!!


:)
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 13:11, Reply)

Talking themselves out of it
I recently went on a blind date (long story, very dull)...anyway, all was going well until he said to me "Good God, being with you is like being slapped in the face"

Ta.

And no, I haven't seen him again.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 12:48, Reply)

Citadels poem....
Is nobody going to comment on that? I mean, have i missed a really big joke in it? I couldnt see any hidden swears or anything.
( DLT's Musical Bonanza is totting up the p, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 12:47, Reply)

i wish this was my story because i love it...
my flatmate was on a date with a guy who was trying way way too hard. a man with chivalrous manners is of course as sexy as hell, but this guy had ruined the seductive restaurant by trying to cut up her food and feed her. then he told her not to order fish with olives. not like a normal person would because this is a disgusting combination, but because she had to "beware of stones and bones, stones and bones".

he then leaned over the table, looped a strand of hair behind her ear, and stroked her cheek with the back of his hand.

"you're so beautiful," he said thickly. "mmmmmmm, and i bet you look so much better in the dark ."

what an excellent way to talk yourself out of a whole night of fucking.

also, that margate waster looks like someone famous. who is it?? philip schofield in a bowie wig or something?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 12:06, Reply)

Margate Internet Saddo
Never mind spending £16K on dodgy foreign women, he should have spent a tenner on a decent hairdo - it might have increased his chances with the lay-dees.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 18 Apr 2007, 10:36, Reply)

Uncanny timing...
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/kent/6565125.stm

So which one of you on the board is this? Come on, own up...
( dan j what the buggery bollocks is this?, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 10:13, Reply)

Blue bum
I once painted my arse bright blue and waved it at a panda in the zoo in order to trap a man. Worked a treat
(angelica666, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 10:09, Reply)

b3tan again
I once told a girl that I was frankspencer from b3ta. The last I heard, she'd left the country along with all of her family.
(Fothermucker, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 9:16, Reply)

Hurt like buggery, it did
By 18 I was so incapable of scoring pussy I decided to try arse instead. So I shuffled into the local gheybar where I succeeded in attracting the attention of a fat ugly dominant type who made my arse hurt for two days. Not what I had planned on.
(mudskipper, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 1:58, Reply)

Zero Result
Valentines Day 2002. Myself and a cohort come up with a plan to lift the car keys of my crush at the time and plant a giant balloon and bunch of flowers inside the car while he was working.
Foolproof? No. While he was suitably impressed with the Man from Uncle style ingenuity, he actually turned out to be gay.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 1:34, Reply)

apeloverage
You had me at "how are you gentlemen !!"
(SusK, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 0:59, Reply)