Measuring up
For the first time in my life I’ve actually sorted out my Christmas presents early, so I won’t be joining the queue of nervous, agitated, annoyed muthafuckers at the Texaco late night garage on Christmas Eve to collect the usual upholstery cleaning sets, chamois leathers, car air fresheners and boxes of 200 Marlborough Lights to wrap in tin foil and pass round my nearest and dearest, which is apparently the most appropriate way to celebrate the birth of some fucking hippy who died two thousand years ago. No, this year my friends and family are getting proper presents instead. Nice presents. All properly wrapped with little bows and everything.

I’ve bought my partner various bits and pieces, but what with us trying for a kid at the moment it’s become painfully obvious that the whole sex thing has become slightly formulaic. It’s a never ending cycle of pissing on little ovulation sticks (her not me, apparently they don’t work if I do it), doing the deed, pissing on more sticks, taking temperatures, testing mucus (no matter how hard I think about this word in a sexy way it remains distinctly unsexy; reminds me of Slimer out of Ghosbusters), then we do the deed a bit more, then more stick pissing, and so on. Quite frankly it’s the first time in either of our lives we’ve thought about sex as a means to getting pregnant, and not a means for getting our rocks off, respectively.

So, with this in mind I decided the only plausible course of action was to go and buy some luxurious, prohibitively expensive - equivalent to the gross domestic product of a small African country expensive - lingerie. Oh, fuck me – if only I realized how fucking hard this could be…

Walking into the shop the assistant, who looked like she's about ten, noticed me hovering round the fancy pants, corsets and shit. After a while she came over: “You looking for something for yourself?” Great, she thinks I’m a fucking tranny, oh, just fucking marvelous… Then she laughs and goes into her sales spiel. Thank fuck she was only joking, breaking the ice. I explain I’m looking for some sexy gear for my girlfriend. Then she asks the question. The heart-stopper. “No problem, sir. Do you know her bra size?” Now, I know my girlfriend’s tits quite well (better than most, I’d hope), I could pick them out blindfolded in a You Bet style line-up of a hundred pairs of norks, with Matthew Kelly standing in the background egging me on. But – for the life of me – I didn’t have a fucking clue what bra size she is. “Do you know what size knickers she is?” asked the girl. Fuck! I shook my head, told her I’d have to get back to her, and left.

That night at home I rummaged through my girlfriend’s underwear drawer – nothing unusual about that. But this time I was actually doing something productive and didn’t have my pants round my ankles. I was searching for labels, labels with measurements. No joy. Every single fucking bra had the label neatly snipped out. Every pair of knickers was the same.

The next day at work I looked up at the receptionist, Nikki, as I was walking past. Or – to be more precise – I was assessing Nikki’s chesticles. They were pretty much the same make and model as hers indoors. After I’d gazed at Nikki’s rack for a little too long she coughed and enquired if I needed anything. I enquired: “What bra size are you?” Nikki just stared. And stared. And stared. And then she said: “Fuck off you dirty bastard,” and carried on with her filing. Oh, fucking marvelous! Just fucking fan-fucking-tastic!

Returning to my desk I started looking up lingerie on the internet. No help. Wasn’t going to find out what my girlfriend’s chest size was there… So, in desperation, I sent her a text asking her for her measurements outright. After a while she sent me the info back. Then on lunch I went down to the boutique and picked out an assortment of posh grundies, one of those corset things, some matching bras, the works. Then I went to the till and had a heart attack as the girl rang up the total. Paid. Left. Job done. Went back to work to be confronted by my boss who wanted to know why I’d been looking at, to use his own words: “saucy girls,” on the internet.

Later that evening at home my girlfriend enquired why I wanted to know her measurements. I considered saying: “Me and the fellas were playing girlfriend Top Trumps and I needed your stats,” thought better of it and said: “Oh well, you know… Christmas is coming…”

There was a long pause. “Yeah, fair enough. But if you buy kinky underwear that’s really a gift for you, not for me…”

Bollocks…. All that hassle… All that walking round London in the pissing rain… The possible sexual harrassment and ‘surfing for porn’ charges at work…

Think I might just get her an Ipod and be fucked with it.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:12, 25 replies)

And you were trying so hard to get her something nice and thoughtfull!
She does have a point though. Maybe you should get her pregnant and give her that baby she really wants. Can't be that hard, 14 year olds seem to manage it all the time!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:20, closed)

You're absolutely right
Only problem is she's got loads of medical issues with her lady garden area which culminated in a seven hour op a year or so ago, and I've masturbated so much in my life that when I shoot my load all that comes out the end of my cock is a jet of air and a whistle...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:24, closed)

that made me chortle
several times
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 1:40, closed)

this ^

( thyrf as in turf, but not, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 19:32, closed)

and then
Xmas gets really expensive,
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 1:22, closed)

You're lucky
My wife owns a horse. I go onto horsey web sites to look up things for her, and I'm accused of being a horse shagger.

(Not that I deny it, it's just nice to come out in your own time).
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:22, closed)

Horses are the sexiest of the farmyard animals, mate
My boss - who is of course an absolute cunt - doesn't like the thought of anyone anywhere getting some. I explained I was surfing for Xmas pressies and this just got him angrier. Cunt. Then again, I swear I've found him checking out my arse occasionally in the office.

I imagine his wife would be rather intruiged to here about this...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:26, closed)

Exactly
How could anyone resist this?

www.chortleberry.com/photo_97355/Cheeky
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:38, closed)

That's a damn fine looking lady
right there. Damn fine.

In all seriousness, horses are absolutely fucking awsome. They look like they've been designed by a six year old; this is a good thing.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:42, closed)

"In all seriousness, horses are absolutely fucking awsome. They look like they've been designed by a six year old" is quite possibly the best quote I've heard all year.

Good luck with the baby mate.
( Terry_Tibbs Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:48, closed)

hahahaha.
as soon as i saw you were gonna get knickers i thought that it might be for you rather than her. you have a woman of sense there. good luck on the baby front.
( tickle I was away, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:23, closed)

i like breasts
 
( broadsword now that's fresh, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 15:27, closed)

HOLY SHIT

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 16:10, closed)

ETC!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 26 Nov 2009, 16:11, closed)

Take it back now.
And save yourself the hassle of doing it in the new year. No matter what size a woman says she is the underwear will never fit.

It's a joke played on us at christmas time mate. The fuckers send underwear out to the shops that will never fit our partners and they get to laugh their heads off when we're queuing up for a refund in january. :)
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 16:52, closed)

....now she'll be really surprised when you buy her that ironing board :D

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 18:58, closed)

Frankspencer was much better than you.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 21:57, closed)

Maybe they're the same person

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 1:41, closed)

Re child
the best advice for you is to stop trying. Abandon all contraceptives, go at it like a couple of 15 year olds (but 15 year olds in some eastern European country where the age of consent is in single figures). Anytime you get the horn and she's about, get her to drop her undercrackers and bend over. She'll be fertilised faster than the estate bike on a park bench with White Lightning.

Unless of course when you were a teenager you were helping out in the physics lab at school and whilst the teacher left the room you enjoyed the warming sensation of rubbing cobalt-60 on to your bollocks and under your foreskin. In which case you're probably as sterile as I am. (Though my excuse is that I had the snip at 21)
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 1:46, closed)

Seconded
Apparently it's quite common for people who've really been 'trying', and even those who have been having IVF, to conceive naturally when they just give up and go back to having normal, spontaneous, non-mucus-dependent, sexy sex.

Good luck!
(flimflam_machine, Tue 1 Dec 2009, 14:29, closed)

Most women love getting lingerie
Its flattering that your man thinks you're sexy.
(jellyfish wish, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 9:29, closed)

^^true, unless they are easily sufferable from reverse complexes
eg "What are you saying, I'm not attractive unless I wear this? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?????"
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:24, closed)

just make sure
that ipod wears a condom.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 13:17, closed)

Once she's pregnant
the sexy undies will be relegated to the bottom of the drawer, unlikely to reappear for at least a year.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 28 Nov 2009, 0:01, closed)

and the fucking rest
:-(
(The man with the flan swashed his buckle on, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 16:33, closed)