Not ungrateful...
I live in Scotland, but my family are still mostly in London, so presents get packaged and posted. I think my mother rather resents the postage, as she hates to send a parcel with the slightest bit of spare space. To fill it, she grabs random stuff that's lying around her house.

For my recent birthday I received, in a box, a book, some chocolate, a cake, free shampoo sachets from a magazine, some spice stuff for adding to roast tatties, a sachet of microwaveable porridge (?!?), one of her headscarves (I'm 25 not 45), and a scented bin liner. Just one scented bin liner. She's quite normal in all other respects...

She also paid for my best present, my new scaffold piercing, so sometimes she gets in right :D
( Dekazer, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:15, Reply)

My dad...
...got me a book about biscuits for Christmas. I pointed out that this was a poor (and pretty cheap-arsed) present, and he replied "But you like biscuits". Bastard.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:11, Reply)

Not really foisted...
A certain fellow poster and I try to out-crap-present each other. I once got him a "12-piece cutlery set" from a pound shop, which consisted of 12 forks. I now have the most hideous coaster imaginable.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:08, Reply)

i once got a girlfriend a pair of slippers and a dildo.
she said she didnt like the slippers.

i told her to go and fuck herself.

sorry
(incredible wrongun, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:06, Reply)

Aids.

( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:04, Reply)

My mum is addicted to the shopping channel.
In recent years we have endured presents which have included 'Kevlar Oven Gloves' - handy if you get ambushed by the SAS whilst making a casserole.
*SHITE*
'Jumbo Pack of Paint Brushes' - three hundred brushes which shed ALL of their bristles if you so much as open a colour swatch in the same building.
*SHITE*
'Electric Potato Peeler' - why do they even fucking make things like this?
*SHITE* *SHITE* *SHITE*.

/Calm.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:03, Reply)

exmas
for christmas:
fruit tingles
a flannel
(myosis, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 14:03, Reply)

Worse than shit presents
want to know what else i got on christmas/boxing day?

1. chlamydia
2. 24 stitches
3. 3 points on my driving licence
4. blow job from cousin (it was dark!)

as you can tell christmas is not the best for me
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:52, Reply)

I had a (relatively) wealthy great grandmother
who used to give us plastic chipshop forks and wooden icecream spoons that she'd found on southport beach. Washed obviously. (I think).

She also used to collect used and water-logged ship's coal for her fire ... it would burn for days without getting even slightly warm.

(thinking about it ... this is probably why she had more money than the rest of the family)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:46, Reply)

What is it about rich aunts?
I too have one who was renowned for giving my mother and I her recycled presents or just simply bits of tat. The most memorable gift was a brass curtain ring. She tried to tell me it was a gold bangle. The extra little loop on the 'bangle' for the curtain hook was a bit of a giveaway.

I also used to work for a wealthy woman who one Christmas, filled with the spirit of the season and the desire to give gifts to her employees, gave them stuff she didn't want anymore - including a very pretty diary. Two years old, various notes and appointments conveniently already written in, and a personal note in the front to her from the person who originally gave it to her. The 2nd recipient must have been overwhelmed by such a personal gift.
( HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:42, Reply)

Ahhh
A toothbrush. I mean, a friggin toothbrush, they weren't even dentists or anything. I was 13. AAAaarrrgh the injustice.
(Caligula, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:41, Reply)

Aunts Who Aren't Really Aunts
I have an aunt who isn't really an Aunt and since the age of 17 I've accumulated a large range of car care accessories (turtle wax, novelty air freshener et. al.) gifted to me during Christmases.

I hope she never finds out I don't, haven't and probably never will own a car.
(Dr GUID, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:38, Reply)

good and bad i suppose
about ten years ago my dad had the brainwave of having a large picture taken of me, brother and sister for mum's xmas present. she opened it on xmas morning and was absolutely made up, we were staying in a hotel as we often did for xmas and she proceeded to show every single fucking person the picture, we were all in our teens so you can imagine the shame of having lots of old grannies swooning over the three of us.
anyway, mum was not the only person so taken with the picture, the photographer was also pretty fucking pleased with himself wasnt he, oh yes. he decided to display it in the window of his fucking shop didnt he, his shop that nearly half our fucking high school walked past every fucking morning. i cannot begin to tell of the utter shame me and my brother endured. despite our protests, mum and dad, thinking it was hillarious refused to call the shop and ask him to remove it.
i suppose it does mean we are all good looking!
(incredible wrongun, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:32, Reply)

shite prezzies
My younger brother has recently taken it upon himself to not buy useful presents any more, instead buying "humourous" presents. Last Xmas I was presented with a DIY rocket kit, which consists of a plastic bottle and some assorted bits of paper and plastic. You mix ordinary vinegar and baking soda in the bottle which reacts and acts as the propellant. I am grateful for the thought, and indeed, the present, however I am sure that he is kicking himself after I had pointed out to him that he had spent the best part of £15 on a box of household waste. I am 40 today inidentally and I know that there is a big box sitting at home, a present from my ever loving brother. I shudder to think what's in there ( he was laughing and sniggering and said I would really like what's inside)
hmmmmmm... he tries too hard but bless him anyway as he's my bruv and I love him


OOH OOH UPDATE!!!

as I mentioned, it was my birthday on the 23rd and Bro felt so guilty about my shite plastic bottle rocket, that he went out and bought a really good one. And a radio controlled Monster truck!! I am such a lucky old sod.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:30, Reply)

Box of bits
One year for my birthday (I think it was my 13th) my Grandma sent me an old shoe box with 'bits and bobs' written in biro on the top and the lid was held shut with an elastic band. The contents were as follows:

buttons
gravel
old string
pebbles
a broken belt
a pot of dried up glue

I have to admit I wasn't very impressed!
( Tinfingers Lurk me long time, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:25, Reply)

Father Christmas
I think I was about four or five when I went to the Father Christmas who was residing in the local covered market.

He gave me a DUSTPAN AND BRUSH. to a five year old. Yeah, cheers.

The next day in my school journal I wrote about this experience. 'I went to see father christmas and he gave me a dustpan and brush'

when it came back from marking the teacher had noted 'Lucky girl!' Even then I could see the sarcasm dripping off the page.
(Rondette, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:23, Reply)

Crap!
I had an Aunt who was fucking loaded. Every year she invited herself to the family Xmas, brought a bottle of the cheapest wine known to man, and showered us with 'presents'.

For 5 years running I got a packet of playing cards. Now, being a youngster at the time, maybe different types of cards from all around the world, covered in different designs might have been nice. But no! These were bog standard, bought from a newsagent cheap shit ones!

Still, it could have been worse. My female cousins each kept getting a cheap plastic alice band (at least 30p worth) - and they had short hair!

A while later, she stopped coming to Xmas as she emigrated. So, she sold her mews house in St. Johns Wood (just around the corner from Abbey Road) and her Oxford Street offices for an obscene amount of money. Guess what we got as present before she left....cunt!
( iwannabeabonobo has been buying lots of gadgets this weekend, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:20, Reply)

not me, my g/f...
... her family is quite conservative, go to church, don't really swear - thankfully she's not like that - but anyway, you get the picture. So, Christmas two years ago, she opens a present from her auntie, expecting it to be a porcelain horse, or prayer beads or something, and instead it's a luminous magenta furry G-string. Certainly unexpected, if not crap.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:16, Reply)

definitely not me.
at one of my old jobs there was someone whom people didn't like much. he was part of the secret santa that year and got given a wank mag and a box of tissues.
(cerey, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:13, Reply)

Fucking hippy aunt
My nana is quite the knitter, and when I was younger was always knitting me jumpers and cardigans, sometimes with a Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle on the back, which was my favourite show when I was about 6. They were great, and of a really high quality.

Now, around the Christmas that just passed, I was reminiscing with my dad over said jumpers, and how great they were, when he suggested that I should ask her to knit me another one for Christmas, and that she'd really love to. So I phone up my nana and ask her, and she sounded really, really enthusiastic about doing it. So I described to her what I'd like - black and green hoops - and how thick the stripes should be and the shade of green and so on, and she said she'd get cracking.

The build up to that Christmas was electric for me, I was so unbelievably excited about getting this jumper.

So Boxing Day rolls around, which is the day that my dad's side of the family goes over to my nana's house for a big roast (she's a mean chef too) and exchange jollities. In the front room we all sit, me, my mum, my dad and my sister, then my nana and grandad, then my cousins and my mental hippy aunt.

We start opening the presents, and then it comes to the package from my nana. I knew what was in it, and she knew what was in it. I open the paper and unfold the jumper. It was absolutely perfect; the hoops were exactly as thick as I'd imagined, the shade of green was the exact shade I'd have imagined, it even fitted me exactly, even though I didn't give her my dimensions. I could have exploded with joy, and the beaming look on my nana's face was incredible, just a look of pure pride.

Then came my hippy aunt's present.

A yoga calendar.

A fucking YOGA calendar. Worse still, one that she's selling to send my cousin to India for the summer.

I gave a performance worthy of DeNiro that year.

Apologies for length, but I really had to get that off my chest.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:13, Reply)

Half a dead rabbit...
...generously left for me by my cat.
(Or was it half a rat? Guts of something...Yuk). Crap present.
Stupid cat. I wanted a Playstation.

Edit: plus side - no 'thankyou' letter required as cat can't read.
(Rata-tat-atouille, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:09, Reply)

bastard
My brother once went to tremendous lengths to give me a present I'd always remember. He got up extremely early, took a shit in a metal box, wrapped it up and slipped it into my pile of gifts. It was a surprise, I'll give him that.

The next year I gave him a box of live crickets.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:09, Reply)

Another one
I once went out with a girl whose stepbrother bought his dad a Rowntrees Drifter bar for Christmas. He didn't even like Drifters.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:08, Reply)

Christmas at the 50p shop
My grandparents used to drop a huge box of presents off for me and my parents each Christmas, and although we had loads to open it was all clearly from a 50p shop. Every year we'd open our parcels and find that we'd all received an identical box of chocolate mints, or all received pairs of "slipper sox" or whatever.

One year however I opened one of my presents and found it contained a pack of hacksaw blades. Not being a fan of woodwork, nor the owner of a hacksaw, I was frankly nonplussed by this. Moments later I opened another parcel at the bottom of the box and found it contained the handle for the hacksaw. Bless.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:07, Reply)

vegetables
are great as presents...i once gave my dad a cabbage for his birthday... wasn't even a whole one...he loved it...

gave a mate of mine an egg plant for his 18th... and a dress... we laughed... his family thought i was a bit mad...

ahh memories...
(kalimah, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:05, Reply)

I love giving crap presents
1.I bought James a cucumber & some ky jelly for his Birthday. He opened it in front of his family, who thankfully laughed. Next day he gave me back the cucumber and told me to shove-it.

2.My dad used to give us all some money at christmas to buy each other presents. My brother being a drug addict at the time spent the money on crack and gave me a 'tweety-pie' hairband that he stole from the market. Nice thought, albeit i'm male.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:04, Reply)

Oh yeah, just remembered
One year, santa got the xmas sacks mixed up. I was (and still am) a kid who wasnt into dolls or make up, but into art and mucky stuff. so to my horror i got all girly pink hair things and my bitchy sis got art stuff. over the years I had to pay her in these crap pink things inorder to play with the box or just look at the art stuff.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:02, Reply)

My mum.....
My mums Aunty once brought her a candle holder shaped like a cottage that was obviously second hand for a number of reasons.... 1) It was greasy and dirty as if been stuck in a kitchen for many a year 2) The candle had no wick and 3) There was a cobweb joining the chimmney and roof complete with spider great for my spider-fearing mother Shame though the cottage was nice and the spider was just a perfect extra!!!
Edit: Just remembered my Dad's mum and her great present buying qualities..... O how we laughed when my Dad opened his econo-de-icer one Christmas morning, several years later and he has still not even used a quarter it was that big!!!
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:00, Reply)

Tosh
My sister-in-law is queen of buying shite useless firkin presents. For Xmas one year, we got a 'muffin maker' - it cooks 3 large muffins in 'only' 15 minutes. (When I can cook 12 in the oven in the same amount of time). It got used once then shoved to the back of the cupboard. Useless tosh.
That same Xmas she bought me (not my daughter who was One at the time,note, but ME, aged 29) - a bloody Pooh bear hat - giant Pooh bear with chin straps. Fuck!
This years birthday present was a black tshirt with black writing on that said 'I'm only wearing black until they invent something darker' Ha Fuckin Ha. I was a goth aged 15. I am now 32.
Luckily they usually forget half our birthdays, so we miss out on more potential uselessness. Phew! Our wedding present was 3 years late - they 'forgot'! Wanted to buy us a plug-in wok, but we bravely spoke up & asked for something we actually could use :o)

"It's the thought that counts" PAH!
Ahh, I feel better for venting my spleen.
(Lambswax, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 13:00, Reply)

As a kid..
I used to get a copy of Brere Rabbit or Wind in the willows for xmas/birthday from my great grandmother every year.

Oh and my grandma always got me clothes which we asked here never to get as she keeps getting sizes way to big for my mum.

Oh, and same grandma+great grandma. My first ever present was half a packet of opened tissues.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 12:58, Reply)