make an effort
For fucks sake, what is wrong with you? Clumsily raise some questions about how work is proceeding and chances are you'll never have to work again. I've been riding this wave for over a decade.
(latsot, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:13, Reply)

I have nothing meaningul to say about this week's question.
So I'll just waste some valuable work time reading everyone else's answers instead.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:08, Reply)

Meaningful procrastination
I have a job interview next week that I am really rather confident about. In my current job, literally all i have left to do is to enter 25, 6 digit numbers onto a student database. I need to string it out until the interview (26th) because I don't want to be given a huge job if I intend on leaving soon.

5 working days to enter 25 numbers. Each day is 8 and a half hours long. That calls for some legendary procrastination.
(GONEism, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:02, 3 replies)

Faffing about
I knew a trainee accountant who could faff for England, she was a lovely girl but she WILL be late for her own funeral.

A few years ago she had to drive to an ACCA accountancy exam, surprise surprise she left her house late and she knew that she would miss the start of the exam. She decided to go for it anyway as the invigilators will let you in during the first hour but you wont get any more time.

Anyhoo, she eventually arrived at the exam centre just before the 11am cutoff but noticed that the carpark was unusually empty, so she checked her exam entry slip. The exam had taken place the previous morning. She was 25 hours late for her exam.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:01, Reply)

I waited and lurked, lurked and waited...
debating whether or not to b3tarise myself. After all that, i only wanted to post...



Found this spoon sir


Knowing full well it had probably bindun to death and back.
And the fact I've actually got round to posting it, albeit late only goes to prove something about something.


Sorry about lack of funnies, so there.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 15:47, 8 replies)

This evening...
My band has been booked in to play a short gig this evening at the last minute. The venue is, conveniently, quite close to my office.

Unfortunately, my bass is not. I have to go home at some point and pick it up. There is a strong argument to be said for going home now to pick it up so that I can avoid being on the toob at peak time.

Why do I know I'm going to end up procrastinating over this one? _{(See, it was on topic...)}

Edit: In the end I went home and picked up my bass like the mug I am. This gig had better be worth it...

Edit Edit: The gig was not worth it. One technical disaster after another. But fortunately no audience to speak of, and not a serious gig anyway, so no harm done I guess.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 15:17, 5 replies)

My living room.
Here's my only video on Youtube that I put together maybe 6 years ago using a cheap webcam and Adobe Premiere.

Me cocking about

Nevermind the video per se, but you'll notice an black armchair in the background which is piled high with ironing.

This is a common feature in my house. 99% of the time, there is an armchair out of use because it has ironing piled up on it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 15:09, 4 replies)

My house
is full of flatpack kitchen units. Along with the sink, taps, waste-disposal and other related paraphenalia. In the kitchen, there's a dishwasher that needs plumbing in. That can't be done until the kitchen's fitted. The kitchen can't be fitted until the washing machine along with the dryer is installed in the shed which I boarded out this summer to convert it into a utility room.

In the hallway, there's a brand-new cooker hood to be fitted, along with two very large splashback panels.

The utility room needs an electric supply and the plumbing yet though. That can't go in until I've blocked off the porch bit between the house and the shed.

On the middle landing (or am I allowed to say mezzanine if I'm from Hull?) are the kitchen worktops, some timber, skirting boards and door frames and architrave.

At my parents house, in the spare bedroom are about 22 boxes of wooden flooring.

I'm not a DIY person. At all. All this stuff was delivered last June.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 15:01, 6 replies)

Maths Coursework
In order to delay having to actually do my A level maths coursework, I constructed a series of lies that eventually required far more effort to maintain than just doing the twunting thing would've.

When questioned on the first day of a new academic year why I had not handed in said coursework on the last day of the previous term, my brain ( dulled by a slovenly summer) came up with the following response:

"Oh, I posted it to you over the summer. It was recorded delivery, so if you were out when it arrived they would have taken it to the depot"

This was a less than perfect response for several reasons, the most obvious of those being that my teacher had never given me his address. Clearly he wanted to watch me squirm, as he then asked me to bring in the proof of recorded delivery bit of paper. The next day.

Right, time to construct an alibi.

1) Go to reception and request teacher's home address. Fairly easy
2) Run to post office at lunch time, obtain a blank recorded delivery form. Not too hard, since you only have to pay for them if you actually intend to send them
3) Go to Starbucks, tip extortionately for already overpriced coffee. Then ask coffee serving man (Barista? I Don't think so) if I can borrow date stamp. Fiddle with stamp to show a date sometime in the middle of previous summer.
4)Take now addressed, date stamped proof of recorded delivery back to teacher as triumphant proof that you did indeed post coursework.

To which teacher replies "Okay, print off another copy and bring it in tomorrow" Fucksocks

6) spend all night up to the eyeballs in f(x) graphs actually doing the sodding work, having wasted all day creating a pointlessly elaborate alibi

I think the moral of the story is think of better lies.

Oh, and 4 years of lurking probably counts as procrastinating too.
(wordsworthless is outnumbered but never outpunned, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 14:16, 8 replies)

I'm off work and supposed to be going to the gym
but I'm on here and a couple of other 'boards, gassing.

Buns of steel will never be mine.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 14:02, Reply)

Its quite ironic that I couldnt be arsed to think of anything for this week
but.. Its my day off work, I have a job list as long as my arm of very important things that need to be done. Its a beautiful day outside.

And Im still in bed :)

Ohh and Ive had some library books to take back but I couldn't be bothered. Then I couln't afford the fine at the time. Now the fines too big and I dont want to look like a naughty book stealer and now Ill probably never be able to use the library again.

They were due back Sept 7th.

I owe a £40 fine.

They're under my bed.

What should I do?
(i should have joined myspace, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 13:33, 23 replies)

If you're lean all day, some say that isn't productive
But that all depends on the demons that you're stuck with i think
( applehead herp derp, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 12:26, 5 replies)

Time is never wasted...
...when you're wasted all the time.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 12:07, Reply)

Microsoft Excel
In the last 15 minutes I have worked out the algorithm used for the IRB's World Rugby Rankings, and designed a complex spreadsheet showing all the potential outcomes of England v South Africa, Ireland v Argentina and England v New Zealand, to determine whether or not we will be in the top four seeds when the World Cup draw is made on 1 December.

The real work I meant to do when I opened up Excel isn't as complex or challenging, but I still haven't started it.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 12:03, 4 replies)

maths assignment
List of things I needed to do by noon.

Print out MathCAD sheets (twice)
Photo copy written questions for my reference
Stuff the lot in an envelope
Go evacuate my bowels
Go to Asda and pay for postage (it's a large letter)
While there, get something for the kids as they're coming home for dinner.

What I ended up doing:

Watching most of an episode of "Last of the Summer Wine" on G.O.L.D.
Came on here to post about it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 11:43, 3 replies)

I have ADD
Attention deficit disorder.

And not the hyperactive kind. The kind where despite being the night before A deadline I have been known to spend about 2 hours just doing nothing. Not work. Not TV. Not Internet. Nothing, just sitting at my desk looking at stuff.

During my last deadline I realised that there is the image of Madonna and child on the back of my bathroom door - that took up a good half an hour of what my friends refer to as "one of my stares"
It took me the best part of a year at Uni for me to get officially 'diagnosed' - partly due to the fact that I just never phoned learning support to make an appointment to get the results.

The uni gave me loads of stuff like a laptop and 25% extra time in exams - because what I really need is an excuse to tell myself I don't need to go to the library because I can look at online journals, and making a 3 hour exam last 3hours and 45 minutes is just what a person who cant hold concentration for more that about 30 minutes really needs.

Better than a smack in the mouth I suppose.
(ecilA Alice...has nothing to do, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 11:36, 6 replies)

I was going to answer last weeks QOTW
I'd found a Gary Glitter Annual from 1975 in my friends attic

It really is comedy gold but I need to bring it to work to scan it in, no point posting about it without the scans

ho hum...
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 11:26, 3 replies)

The amount of times I've gone to reply to a post...
Looked at the little white box, and thought "Fuck it. I can't be arsed." then gone back to reading with head propped on hand.
( snee held his breath since, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 11:11, 3 replies)

Today.
Today I'm working from home. That's because later today I'm going to Paris for a meeting.

I have to leave home at 13:00 to get to St Pancras for half two.

Before I leave home today I have to write a presentation, so I can upload it onto a website ready for my meeting.

So far today I've had a lie-in and drank many cups of tea.

I have been through my emails and cleared out my overflowing inbox, so that maybe I'll stop getting messages telling me my inbox is overflowing.

I've read through the QOTW answers that were added since I left work yesterday, then looked through the image challenge.

Having had an extra large breakfast, I've done the washing up and tidied the kitchen.

I've just been for a run, then lay in the bath for half an hour thinking up excuses for not having finished my presentation for which I've only managed to put the first word of the first title on the first slide.

Best make a cuppa then get on with it... after a bit of lunch perhaps.

Tempus fugit.
( Moey, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 11:11, 2 replies)

distracted
I think of another answer to post on the QOTW, but then I get distracted. Usually by something else on B3ta or quite often clicking 'Random Link' on Wikipedia, and then half hour later, the browser crashes because I have too many windows and tabs open. Anyway, this is what I've finally got around to post.

I've just found a stray wifi signal near my house that the owners have labelled "MY FUCKING SHIT CONNECTION"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 11:00, 1 reply)

In order to get out of bed in the morning
I have to take extreme measures. Simply the promise of another day in my godawful job and being crammed on smelly buses is nowhere near enough to get me out of my warm little coccoon.

So, I have put the fast food rockers as my alarm clock ringtone on my phone. Then, I put my phone on top of my wardrobe on the opposite side of my room and turn it up full blast.

Killing that fucking awful song is most definitely a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
(GONEism, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 10:40, 6 replies)

I'm tired today.
REALLY fucking tired.

The only reason for this is that, last night, whilst on my sofa watching some old shite I was too lazy to go to bed.

I mean, TOO LAZY to fall asleep?!

I actually remember thinking 'Shit, I'm tired. I'll go to bed in a minute' and NOT doing it.

5:30am.

up at 7:30.

Yay.



*Yawns*
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Tue 18 Nov 2008, 10:38, 6 replies)

*farts*
About 4 years ago I said I'd register on b3ta to comment and post funny stories. I never got around to it.

I finally did it yesterday, and am able to post... today.
(robo-kai, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 10:26, Reply)

Lazy bitch
One saturday morning, I was walking through a car park on my way to town. I was passing a parked car that had just engaged reverse gear, it's all in the lights you know. As I passed it, the woman driver leaned out of the window and said "in your own time" in a sarcastic tone.

"Hang on a minute, I'm moving via the power of my own feet whereas you are sitting on your fat arse and are only in a desperate hurry to get home because you want to stuff your face on the pies and cakes that you have just bought you greedy cunt"

Is what I should have said.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 9:50, 1 reply)

Cricket
I had never watched cricket in my life.

I was a maths student and supposed to be revising for an exam the next day, can't remember what, it may have been "Module 2104 Complex Fucking Bollox".

After about 10 minutes I decided to check whether I was missing anything on TV. "Cricket, England v Australia, I believe that this is a keenly contested rivalry" I mused and sat down to watch.

Six hours later, I had watched my first One Day International. Robin Smith who is as English as a child chimney sweep had scored 150 or so and we still lost. I was hooked.

Failed my exams.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 9:43, Reply)

v. Procrasturbate
The art of wasting time by masturbating.
(Merrep, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 9:35, 2 replies)

desktop calendar
I have one of those calendars on my desk at work where you rip off the page each day and get a cartoon strip as your reward.

A while back I was bored enough with the prospect of real work so I sat down and read all the cartoon strips for the rest of the year.

I now find myself on 18th November looking at a calendar that proclaims it to be 12th of April. I just can't be arsed to tear the page off each day knowing I've already read the cartoon strip.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 9:33, 1 reply)

A timely question
Several years ago, I wrote a scientific paper on the work I was doing at the time, which was to do with high resolution lithography for electronics. It was published, and shortly afterwards I received an e-mail from a bloke in a large American laboratory asking me for further details on the research.

I have never replied to it. I put it off at the time, as I was busy and it would have meant looking out experimental details from my lab book. So by the time I'd got round to it, months later, I decided it would be too late and that the moment would have passed.

I still have the e-mail though. I looked it out this morning, and it's dated 24th November 1998. Six days from now, it'll be ten years since it was sent.

I'm tempted to reply to it next Monday, as if I'd just received it, just for fun. Chances are the bloke will have moved on and his e-mail address will be dead, but still.

I'm just a big kid. A big lazy kid.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 9:05, 14 replies)

so, it's dad jokes you want, eh?
after having one more than necessary complimentary j.walker brand sensibility relaxants mid-air, my dad spotted a chap sitting nearby the whole time wearing a sleeping mask. he concluded everyone at the airport would not know the identity of said chap now that he was incognito as john citizen. but my dad would not allow them to be fooled. in fact, it seemed he found great joy in telling everyone zorro was standing in the far queue. "the far queue! look, zorro's in the farrrrr queuuuuuuuuuuuue!" hilarity did not ensue. but neither did any nuisance charges.
(fatty_boomba did something really bad @, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 6:20, Reply)

Anyone else been too lazy to actually be lazy?
Like for instance, using me as an example, I'm too lazy to boil the kettle in order to cook pasta quicker and have extra time for being lazy.

Or being too lazy to go to bed when I'm tired and instead sit at my desk and just generally laze around. Stuff like that. Anyone else do that?
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 6:17, 1 reply)