Sit-com moments...

"So there I was with my trousers round my ankles and a big dildo in my hand...and the vicar walked in!"

Ever found yourself in a real life situation that was so ridiculous it would not look out of place in a dodgy sit-com?

note: example made up for inspiration purposes...the vicar did NOT walk in...it was the milkman.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Sun 2 Mar 2008, 10:28, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

It's may have already been done...
...but what about times you've (willingly?) made a tit of yourself/done something rather humiliating. "Willingly" may make it more interesting, provoking our b3tans to confess to behaviour they usually wouldn't resort to.

On thursday night I'd had a few beers at the comedy club at my SU. The compere led me to announce I could put my leg behind my head. I willingly got on stage (I'm a guy btw, somewhat flexible) and put my leg behind my head and subsequently received a bigger cheer than the second act, and two free pints from the bar staff :D
Humiliating, but worth it!
I'd post the full story if this was QOTW.
(joepublic 's opinion does not represent that of the public, Sat 1 Mar 2008, 23:39, Reply)

Awkward conversations
On one QOTW I read about a guy's father who had an achingly painful conversation with him about the location of the clitoris.
And he was wrong.

I want to hear about your awkward conversations!
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 23:53, Reply)

"They won't stay in business very long"
I bought a shiny new PC, reinstalled my wireless connection and the damn thing suddenly had a shocking signal strength.
After a while (six weeks!) I realised I was using somebody else's connection and connected to my own password-protected one.
Being a good neighbour I hunted around to see whose connection I had been leeching and to warn them.
I came to the last house house I thought it could be.
In the driveway was a big van with the advertising on the side saying "XXXXXX Solutions for all your computer needs".
"Web Design"
"Office systems
"Internet Security"
He worked from home.
His wireless connection had no password.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 16:44, Reply)

What about
OUtdoor sex?
Infidelity in a humourous manner?
Drink induced madness?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 16:23, Reply)

My, my
Going along the trend:
I witnesses a crime
Dead bodies

I propose the following:

What was the most painful conscious self-inflicted wound you have ever had? Pictures give extra points! (emos are banned!!)

and as next

What was the last time you wanted to end your life?
etc.
( Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 15:37, Reply)

How about ....
just post whatever the fuck you want

Maybe, just maybe it would stop all the shitty "highjack" attempts, the bitching and moaning that now are part of the routine.

EDIT: and the shitty tenuous puns, the idiots claiming first post but not posting anything remotely relevant but most of all the really shit unfunny trolling.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 10:48, Reply)

Superpower...
As a kid i dreamed about being able to turn invisible. Think of all the fun you could have not being able to be seen. Nowadays it would just be nice to have the superhuman power of being able to understand a tax return :)

What superpowers did you wish you had as a child and are they the same now?
(ReaperTG will appear behind your headboard on..., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 13:48, Reply)

horrible pick up lines...
maybe its the chlamydia, but you make my penis hot and bothered.

or...

I would be all over right now if you hadn't gotten a restraining order

ok they suck but You can see the possibility's, especially with this crowd
(Rated Arrr for pirates and nudity, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 2:01, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

A Bit Like Malaproprism.....
I'm getting on a bit now (32) and not sure if its due to being old, years of listening to loud music, or what, but I constantly mis-hear things...Often I hear my hubby, slimtallgoth come out with Filth when he's innocently talking about What to Do For Tea or Have We Got Any Cider...other times I just annoy my teenager with coming out with Alternate Lyrics because I Can't Hear The Words Properly ((which is a Nightmare when your favourite band is System of a Down)) (I actually prefer my own to the Real Ones) such as:

The River - Good Charlotte...

I heard that evil comes disguised (combs the skies)
Like a city of angels
I'm walking towards the light

Baptized in the river (Bad times in the river)
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered (An' I wanna bit of liver)

FFWD

Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river (Bad times in the river)
I'm delivered (On a liver)
I'm delivered (On a liver)

-This, delivered at high volume from your mum is so uncool, especially when your cutie gf is also in the car...

Well...I guess I should really be suggesting a QOTW whereby we all tell tales of being fucking well embarrassed by parents (or embarrassing our kids) intentionally or not...
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 1:02, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

The moment you realised you were well and truly a grown up
I spent all of my youth living at home and even during my misguided years during tertiary education I still had my parents to rely on. There comes time however where you realise that you can't just pick up the phone and get your parents to bail you out the sh*t. They bailed me out when I almost got expelled from school and lots of other times when I was so drunk I could hardly get in my car never mind driving it back from the pub.

There was one occasion however where I realised that the game was up and I needed to look after myself. I got arrested in the USA and ended up in Jail. I lost my passport, my money and was basically a criminal in a foreign land.

So my question would be what one event in your life cemented you transition from spotty teenager into a responsible grown up?

PS - I was rightly aquitted in the USA, but the bastards lost my passport!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 14:30, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

How did you end up in your present occupation?
My career is directly attribuatble to GCSE Latin and A-Level history. I'm sure your lives are funnier, though. How did you end up where you are now?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 12:08, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Snobs
I hate 'em. I was reminded of an ex-colleague who, in an act of desperate snobbery, kept their own bottle of Heinz Ketchup in their desk drawer to add to the occaisional bacon butty attack the department had. He maintained that he couldn't possibly eat a bs without ketchup and it HAD to be Heinz. Tosser.
(Crocodile, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 10:37, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Contents of your pockets
This morning i found peg and an old five penny piece ... i have no idea where they came from
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 1:35, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Geek Credentials
Who is the biggest Geek on b3ta.

I have never gone to a games workshop and i cant speak klingon.

What i did do though is recreate those scenes from war films when they disassemble and reasemble thier guns against there the clock.

Except i used a computer.
which had cold cathodes and a side window.
And an ultraviolet alien face on the other side.
And more fans than logical.
And played the Xfiles theme on start up.

And when I got good I would race against my friend.


So are you a geek, have you found yourself in a geeky situation or do you know someone who organises "Overclockable RAM" conventions during his time off from running nasa.
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 21:30, Reply)

Time travel
If you could go back in time and have a chat with someone, who would it be? Famous scientist, your own great grandparent (or someone else's)?

Or would you try to change history? Catch the apple before Isaac Newton got bopped, or give Hitler's dad a condom?

I might be tempted to pop back to 1912 and tell the captain of the Titanic to steer further south, then we might never have to hear that feckin song again!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 26 Feb 2008, 18:19, Reply)

It'll buff right out!
I was delivering pizzas at one stage, and taking a shortcut down a few backstreets.

As I'm driving past a local brothel, a car suddenly reverses out of the brothel carpark, onto the street right in front of me, and I really ruined his night.

Interesting car accidents
(Grey_Ghost has yet to decide on a sig on, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 12:14, Reply)

Accidently killed a pet?
My sister decided to clean out her goldfish tank after leaving it to fester for a month. The green sludge that had grown on the glass proved to be more stubburn than usual so she reached for the Domestos to help remove it. She then filled it up with water and was a little suprised the next day to find one fish had lost all its scales and was bopping belly up and the other one was still alive but had turn pure white and one of his eyes had popped out. We renamed this fish spacko jacko. It lived for another four months.

Have you managed to accidentally kill a beloved family pet in anyway?
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 21:03, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I should of called it a night when?
I threw up all over the carpet. But i decided to carry on shagging the morden lass and now its all over the papers.

Ashley Cole
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 20:50, Reply)

Ideas for QOTWs
Overworked, oversexed and overheard?
What's the funniest, sickest or weirdest things you've overheard co-workers saying?

Guy 1: "What's the best smell in the world?"
Guy 2: (without looking up) "...German girls."

and

Piece of shit car (or bike)

Everyone, surely, has pimped around in a collapsing, vile little rot-box - to which they've had an unhealthy attachment? Mine was a head gasket-eating Reliant Robin LX (i.e. it had AM radio AND tape player...) She's still sitting on my drive now...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 12:13, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Cruelty
My brother and I never got on as kids. We played together now and then because my sister was too old, but we argued. A lot. So I once told him that he was adopted and that we didn't like him. He believed it for a few months too.

What's the cruelest thing you've ever done to someone?
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 9:15, Reply)

Farting.
Now I know at first there will be many of you thinking, "Oh come on, farting is childish and unfunny", when it clearly isn't, but I shall tell you my tale of 'The Misplaced Fart' anyway.

Some years ago, I was sitting in a pub, drinking with two of my business partners and three prospective customers, in our preferred venue for a meeting. It soon became apparent that I was expecting. You know that bubbly build up as a generous portion of gas nears the exit. I decided, as the pub was otherwise quiet that I should adopt the NHGS or the No Hands Goatse Stance, where one raises one cheek to open the anus enough for the gas to escape without making a sound.
I think my error was to trust the opening was wide enough and probably pushed to hard as the resulting guff was released with a resounding blurt. A fart so great it could have frightened a police horse.

The people around the table were silenced. Glasses were put down and they all stared at me in disbelief. I decided to make light of it and began to joke about it when suddenly all the people sitting near to me began to stand up to make their escape. As the gas moved across the room more stood up. A bit like a one way Mexican wave. It was putrid. Foul. The worst smelling fart I had ever proudly produced. And no, we didn't get the business.
So why not be childish and unfunny and tell us your stories of embarrassing flatulence related capers.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sat 23 Feb 2008, 18:25, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

They looked at least 16...
After one too many at the pub, I got off with a rather attractive guy, my mate grabbed me by the shoulder saying he wanted a word...

Turns out the cute 16 year old I had been necking with was TWELVE. The My Chemical Romance hoodie should have given it away, but I digress.

I've been nicknamed "pedo" ever since. He looked at least 16, therefore I don't deserve the title female pedophile where I live...

Ever been caught out with someone young who looked a LOT older?
(trippeh, Sat 23 Feb 2008, 12:52, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Tantrums
A girl I'm not so keen on is currently in a performance of the musical Sweet Charity. The director cut one of her lines the other day, so she threw a tantrum and stormed out for an hour. She's 20 years old.

What examples of tantrums have you witnessed?
(__, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 11:39, Reply)

Things you loved as a child, but hate now.
I used to love America when I was 5. The concept of it, the movie star president, Disneyland, Disneyworld, Macdonalds, movies. The place had to be fabulous and far better than where I lived in the UK.

20 years later, I found myself bored to tits in some backwater in Michigan. It was only for a week, but still... I was losing the plot. The place was full of people lacking, well, gorm. And the president was a cunt, the country started a stuped and dangerous war, and Macdonalds are now evil, and Disney's not done anything good since the Little Mermaid (unless Pixar made it).

What else has changed from magic to mince since childhood?
( drunkenoaf, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 10:15, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

KARMA!

My dad used to help make his way by selling second hand cars on the side..turning our home into a 'mini dealership'.

All the neighbours complained - he told them to 'shove it'.

Now he's old, well-to-do and living in a posh bungalow...guess who's moved next door? A dodgy pretender who has turned his street into his own particular car-lot...and my dad is first in the queue to complain!

We hear hundreds of hard-luck stories that are replied with 'I believe in Karma'. Any examples of when it has actually happened? Or when you hope it will happen?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 20 Feb 2008, 20:57, Reply)

Chavs
I'm sure we've all got our own unique stories of encountering these charming little fuckers from the shallow end of the gene pool
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 15:16, Reply)

Mentals
who (what) is the best mental you have seen or know of... ?
(Mugabe_Scrotash for everyone!, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 11:32, Reply)