Who
have you fantasized about, and what were you doing to them, or them to you....
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 19:09, Reply)

The point at which you lost all respect for someone
I know that for yearsofpractice it was when the future previous Mrs yearsofpractice confused Hulk Hogan with Terry Wogan.

Mine was when Ben "Fatchers Britain" Elton wrote a musical with Tim Rice.

We've all been there - put someone on a pedastal and watch them drop a monster turd.
(The Neptunian Number is counting on you, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 14:37, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Tear Jerkers
The_Mighty_Spleens post about the loss of his cat no doubt had a few tears rolling. Post your sad stories and lets all just sob our hearts out for a week. We'll wash all our troubles away!
(Miggyman, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 10:14, Reply)

Please
please, please lets have an original one today, there are so many good suggestions on here.
( Trollman, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:36, Reply)

Sex education shenanigans
What was Sex Ed like for you? How did you learn about sex, and what misconceptions did you have? Did anything interesting happen in Sex Ed classes? When the woman put the condom on the banana, my mate had a fit and passed out.
( SqueakyG, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 0:51, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tales of the Unexplained
I was driving my ex home one night, and we saw a large creature, clearly, in the headlights.
T'was a cougar.
I *know* it was, because I'm a zoologist.
My first thought was that it was a big golden lab, but then it looked at me, it's eyes did the cat-eye thing, and it did a twirly thing with it's tail. Dogs can't do that with their tails.

And my ex saw it too. Didn't have a fucking camera handy though.

Tell us your stories of crop-circles, ghostly encounters and twilight-zone moments.
( Cawl, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 11:59, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Unfortunately I can't take credit for this
but within a thread I noticed Oneinthepink suggested a "B3TA Room 101" QOTW. I'm sure there's plenty of things you B3tards would like to see banished to oblivion...
(Errorist, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 10:04, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's made of ivory and I'm ready for sex.
Is the joke that leads up to that punchline worth hearing?
(jvz, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 22:30, Reply)

Faking it...
We've all done it. From qualifications to orgasms, everyone likes to play "let's pretend" once in a while.

So when have you faked it? Did you get away with it? Or were you exposed as the big fat lying cheater you really are?
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 19:54, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

extreme discombobulation
i still shudder at this

me and mrs spimf and i were at my mums, we had enjoyed our evening and had a few drinks. Mrs spimf was becoming frisky and wanted to get home - she was whispering things she intended to do to me and generally being a bit filthy. :)

As i was bidding my mum goodbye i was also holding on to mrs spimf (by her left buttock actually) in a moment of extreme discombobulation i tried to kiss my mum goodbye

i will never forget the look of confusion on my mums face as she said..

"why did you just stick your tongue in my ear son"


when did you last get seriously muddled and what was the outcome?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 20:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Minor brushes with celebrity
I once met Bob Hoskins' dad.

He made me a cup of tea.

Beat that.
(Axeman Jim, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 16:45, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your Brutally Honest Lonely Hearts Advert
Having read a lonely hearts page in the local paper, I wonder how YOUR honest profile would appear? I'm not asking to take the mickey out of the people putting adverts in the rag. That would be too easy.

If you were given a limit of 40(ish) words and were BRUTALLY honest about yourself, what would you write? I'll start you off with with my go at this fun little game:

"SCREAMING SELF TO SLEEP AGAIN: Problem-drinking self-obsessed sociopath with honesty issues wltm (but not for long) morally barren human to act as emotional crutch and commitment-free sex object. Believes entitled to everything, unwilling to work for anything. Uninterested in emotion or closeness."

Go on. I dare you!

(With thanks to the_neptunian_number)
(yearsofpractice, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:15, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

how about telephone mishaps...
Has this been done before?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 15:59, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I suggest you post a QOTW
...before I REALLY kick off
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 15:38, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

.....and then it all kicked off,
What innocent or not so innocent things have you done that have nearly caused world war 3.
( Trollman, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Surviving the Apocalypse
All my friends and acquaintances have been chosen carefully for their usefulness in potentially surviving the apocalypse.

What service could you offer mankind in this instance?
(Jugular, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 14:12, Reply)

False Bravado
Recently, my missus and I went to Alton Towers theme park (we had free tickets from a friend). Neither of us like rollercoasters and things that spin you like you're in a washing machine, but we had fun on the Pirate Barrels (like a waltzer, I guess), and on the Congo Rapids, etc. On entering Hex (which was rated fine for family with young kids), we enjoyed the spooky story and special effects. Once we sat on the bench in the next room and a bar pinned us to our seats, we got a little confused, but thought we were off on a Ghost train-like ride. It was at that point, the floor dropped away and the seat span over the ceiling. I have to admit that for five minutes I tried to gnaw my way through the rail to get off whilst my missus prayed to live long enough to kiss the ground when she got off.

Afterwards, having had a soothing smoke, we ventured onto the Charlie and The Chocolate Factory ride, we had a lovely time mocking the kiddie-friendly ride until the end when we entered the Glass Elevator and it said "be careful to hang on to the railings so you don't fall over". The site of two adults gripping a railing and whimpering amused the room full of kids no end. Especially when all it did was wobble about a bit as the video screens played a set of animations (very cool, actually - all walls, floor and ceiling were screens, so it was like living in CGI).

Have you ever put on false bravado, only to have it bite you in the ass?
(Chad, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 13:56, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Politicians
Our elected civil servants are a perennial source of humour, regardless of whether they're having to explain what they're doing on Clapham Common sans trousers or being caught boffing their secretarial staff dressed in their favorite footie shirts.

I'd like to hear your stories about your mirthsome encounters with the political elite.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 19 Jun 2008, 13:39, Reply)

You dirty bastards
When i was younger i used to live happily in my own filth - leaving used bowls in my room, not taking my dirty pants to the laundry basket etc.

One day i was having a rare tidy, when i noticed half an apple under my bed. Well, when i say i noticed it what i mean is my hand delved into the mushy half maggot eaten remains.

What nasty suprises have you come across when tidying up? How bloody dirty are you?
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 12:21, Reply)

OCD...
Ok, maybe a bit over the top, but we're all obsessed by B3ta to keep coming back here every day/week. What other obsessive little habits or rituals do you have?
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 10:32, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Never Again
We've all done stupid things.
I once ate a live locust for a bet.
I knew a man who snorted an entire Sherbert Fountain.
A local legend features a gentleman that started a fight with a bull.

What breath-takingly foolish things have you done that get you thinking "No force on Earth will ever make me do that again"?
( Cawl, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 1:04, Reply)

Injustice
When I was a child I used to have riding lessons. Horses would be allocated on a "first come, first served" basis so if you were early you could bag a good steed but if you were late you had to take your chances.

One week I had arrived early and had chosen a wonderful horse called Victor. Everyone wanted to ride Victor, he was the best! So, two minutes into the lesson, some snotty posh kid turns up and says he wants to ride Victor and I was ordered to dismount. Being about 8 years old I complied and had to spend the rest of that lesson on the devil's own mule. It still makes me angry nearly 30 years later.

So what trivial injustices have people suffered that still causes them to fight back those hot tears?
(Mork, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:12, Reply)

Divine ownage
I have been on the recieving and giving end of plenty of ownage. Why not post stories of when you've divinely owned someone, or got owned yourself?

PS
Nicol33ta wanted me to write cock instead of ownage the dirty minded individual

PPS
It was my idea XD
(TMAce needs to enter another image challenge sometime, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:05, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Being over-optimistic (probably more delusional!)
On the bus this morning, A woman and her friend got on a few stops after me. One was wearing clothing that was waaaay too tight for her rather portly frame and could barely get up a step without careful manouvering. I thought she was either in pain or mentally ill.

She then struck up a conversation with her friend, within earshot of the whole bus that left me desperately trying suppress laughter.

"That diet is working a treat, believe it or not I'm down from an 18 to a size 12 now!"

I guess she walked that way to stop her clothes from tearing.

Being over optimistic, we've all done it, what's your story?
( Muns, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 12:03, Reply)

Unaccustomed as I am...............
Went to my Mam's 70th birthday bash on saturday. She'd asked me to say a few words and I was absolutely crapping myself. I don't know what it is about public speaking but it really scares me and I turn into a tongue tied witless stuttermonster.

Anyway, aside from dealing with a halfwit heckler (who I couldn't put down properly cos mam's vicar friend was there), a few words were indeed said (I winged it too). It went off well and apparently a few tears were shed (Eeee that was lovely etc.). Mam came to see me yesterday and said she was really impressed and it was a lovely few words. But really I needn't have gone to all the trouble cos all she wanted was for me to thank people for coming and mention the collection for the hospice.

Now she tells me.

Anyone else got tales of public speaking nightmares, howlers or just plain insanity?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:40, Reply)

Following on from some of the great tales in this thread here:
www.b3ta.com/board/8467215

I motion that we have a QOTW of the great tales that our Grandparents, and Old People in general have told us and the things they have done!

Funny, Inspiring or just down right loopy!

At the request of the masses, this should be a question for genuine advice that has helped and stories of Valour and Honour bestowed upon us by our elders and betters!
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:31, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Mismatched couples
Have you ever met a couple who you thought were just never meant to be together? Tell us about how badly mismatched they are.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:56, Reply)

mad welsh granny
My wee welsh granny is lovely but clearly as mad as cheese. If she has 'the man' round (this covers all tradesmen, plumbers etc) she will offer them a cup of tea. When they leave, she smashes the cup. Not washes - SMASHES the cup. Because 'you don't know where he's been'.

How mad is your nan?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:31, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

QOTW Diary
For one week only, people post aboutt their everyday occurences and try to put a humourous/touching/entertaining spin on it.

People could edit their first post to include each entry and post a link to it (or the page number) on the latest page, that way people can accumulate clicks for being consistently funny throughout the week and everybody wins!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 8:51, Reply)